Hold on

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ~ Romans 8:38-39



I have a lot on my mind today, so please bear with me as I try to sort out my thoughts and feelings.



This verse comes up time and time again in my life. I feel like any time I take a step towards God I get knocked down over and over again. I know this verse, but I feel like my faith is waivering. I feel like everything I once had hope in is being tested and pulled and broken and changed. Nothing is predictable in my life. I don't have the same home. I don't have the same friends - there are a few, but people change, I change. I don't know what my moods are going to be like from day to day. I feel like I'm standing on a tight rope high in the air with the wind blowing 100 mph. Nothing to hold on to but a little piece of string under my feet.



I feel like the devil is trying to turn me against everything and everyone and make me question everything and everyone and become so confused that I don't know which way is up. I feel like that a lot.



He's trying to turn me off to the one promise that I know I can stand on. That nothing will separate me from the love of Jesus.



I am fearful to go to church becuase I was ridiculed when I first starting dealing with PMDD. I was told I was demon-possessed and that I was looking to people to solve my problems. I was told that I just needed to read my bible and that I didn't have enough faith for God to heal me. I go to church and I feel alone - more alone than I do when I'm actually alone. So, I don't go. I feel ashamed for the things I've done and said. I'm becoming weary in my battle...and I'm fighting it alone because I don't feel like there is help. I don't have much strength to fight it and I know people get tired of hearing that I'm down and out. I know its tiresome to be around "depressed" people.

I was listening to Barlow Girl's "Never Alone" song on the way in to work this morning. That is exactly how I feel. I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side. But I am holding on tight to what I know. The truth that I'm never alone. The truth that God does not forsake His children. The truth that God is love and that He works all things together for good for those who love Him. That I have a purpose. That despite how many times I fall, or how many times people slap me in the face...I will get up - I will stand up. Not by my strength, but by His strength. I will love with the love Jesus put in me. I will care because He cares. I will forgive because He first forgave me. I will keep trying until I can't try anymore, and then I will let God do the rest.

I may be broken right now, but I know this is where He wants me to be. I may not know why, but now He can truly mold me into the vessel for His purpose. They say things get harder before they get better. This hardship has been going on for years. It hurts like the dickens, but I believe there is something on the other side. Even when I'm alone and people have forsaken me, I need to remember that is not a manisfestation of God's love. I can only control my actions and attitude. I realize I wallow around a lot, but its because I'm scared and I don't feel capable of doing this on my own. So, I do look to others to help me and am sorely dissapointed time and time again. This is NOT the way it's supposed to be! I hope that my aches and pains and disappointments and hardships can be used for good rather than to continually be a strong-hold in my life; rather than to continually be a reminder of what a failure I am.

I hope that someone else can see and relate to these hardships and know that they are not alone in their struggles even if they feel like it. I recognize that this is not going to be easy...probably for the first time in my Christian experience. I thought somehow it was all blessings and goodness. Then I became fearful and thought anytime I opened my bible or went to church I would get bombarded with blasts from the devil. For whatever reason, these are my struggles. We all have our own - mine might be different from yours - but that doesn't mean its not any less real and any less difficult.

My encouragment is even when things are so unpredictable, when grief is unbearable, when the hurt is detremental, when the shame is engulfing, when the pain won't go away....and you can't feel God anywhere...hold onto the promises. Look to those seeds that were planted maybe when you were a child. What's your favorite bible story? What's your favorite verse? That's God talking to you. He never leaves you. He never forsakes you. He is true to His promises and won't let you down when everything else does. Hold on. Hold on.

Finding Satisfaction

I feel...happy....?! I'm surprised because usually the happiness is followed by a steep downward spiral and as long as I don't do anything too self-destructive or detrimental, I'll be back up in no time!

I've started to use a natural progesterone cream to see if it will alter my moods and relieve some of the craziness I go through the week before my period. I started a little over a week ago. It's so hard to know what my cycle is on. I use to know it by heart, but that was when I was running and active! This past year, my cycle has been all over the place especially a couple of times that I thought I was pregnant. It's crazy because when I'm late, it makes my PMDD episodes longer and much more out of control than normal. My body screams that it hates me and I in turn hate me!

I forgot to put the cream on Sunday because I took a day to rest. I got so down that day - that is where the poem came from. I keep telling Steve that I feel like there is something that happened to me that I can't remember. There are events that I have blocked out, but when I get super down and when my emotions go whack-o, I feel intense like I'm re-living a painful experience but I have no images in my head. I'm super sensitive to stuff that I watch on T.V. I cannot watch horror films. Psychological thrillers throw me into a flurried mess. Anything that has to do with intimidation, rape, abuse, and bullying seriously upsets me.

I started putting only half a pump of the cream on this week and it seems to be helping. A whole pump was making my chest tight and there was even a day where I felt I was having trouble breathing. I think I'm doing better now too because I actually have stuff to do at work...not just sitting here idly twirling my thumbs, letting my mind race and get the better of me.

It's so strange. When I'm feeling down - I want nothing more than to get it out and describe it and talk about it (even if no one is around to listen - that will just fuel me feeling down and out) but when I'm happy, it seems I take it for granted. I'm not even sure if I take it for granted, but its like I know it won't last very long so why even talk about it? Something that is so normal to most people - I have a hard time partaking in. I guess I would much rather listen to other people's stories and journeys than to tell my own. I would much rather the focus be on others than on me (even if I'm dying inside). I think its a fear of rejection and people leaving. I think as long as I can keep the focus on others, they'll be interested in me.

But I don't want to do that anymore. That is what got me into trouble and losing all of my friends in the first place. By focusing on them ALL OF THE TIME! It left no room for me. I was just there to offer praise and attention, not to offer a piece of me. I guess that's why I question who I am all the time. I question why anyone would want to listen to me or would want to actually be my friend. I've had people in my life - countless relationships - who tear me down, who feed on my weaknesses when I don't be and become just who they want me to be.

I still have no clue who I am...somedays I feel I'm getting closer to figuring it out, but not knowing is one of the reasons why I cling to my moods. They are real and prevalent and I can feel them. It's not healthy because I know they change often and by making decisions based off my moods...well...not always the brightest thing to do. But my moods are a big part of who I am. I always labeled myself as wishy-washy. The sign for Pisces are two fish swimming in opposite directions and that is the epitome of my life! Always wanting something else, always wanting to be somewhere else, always wanting to do something other than what I'm presently doing. Never satisfied.

I know I'm supposed to let Jesus be my satisfaction, but I'm not satisfied with the way Christians present themselves. I'm not satisfied with how we are supposed to be there for each other, but yet I was completely abandoned by people whom I called friends. Yes, I know here I go again with the past...but obviously something inside of me hasn't been validated and understood otherwise I wouldn't continually bring it up. I trust in God and I trust in Jesus, I just believe there is more than this. I don't know where it is and I feel like I'm waiting all the time. I just don't want to wait and have things pass me by. I want to enjoy my happy times even if they are few and far between right now. I want to enjoy what life has given me even if its not what I want at all. I'm just not satisfied and I'm not sure how to find that satisfaction...

Finished Craziness

I finished this drawing today. I started it about two weeks ago when I was in a high drive to create. I don't think its beautiful by any means, but it really encompasses the many emotions and feelings I experience on a monthly (sometimes daily) basis.

The heart is at the center of it all with a tiny "light" of hope in the center of that. The heart is surrounded by two doors. There are always doors that are shut and opened in our lifetime. Leading to the doors are eyes that are either open or shut. Sometimes we see where we are going, when other times we are blind...either by choice or by chance. Sometimes we don't want to face the truth and other times circustances keep us from seeing what is right in front of us.

The bigger picture looks like a flower encompassing the whole thing. We are all in a state of blooming. All of this craziness...all of the craziness that is thrown at us in this lifetime creates our own story. Embrace your story and let it become your work of art.

To live and not just try

Here I am all alone again
Here I am on my own again
With nothing but my thoughts to accompany me


Here I am all alone again
Feel like I'm drowning in
All this pain that surrounds me


I want to live not just try
I want to laugh not just cry
I want to walk not just crawl
I want to stand not just fall


Spiraling down into this black hole
Spiraling further out of control
Into a dark place that I don't want to be

Reaching for help and fighting the fear
Crying out but noone hears
The desperation of my plea

I want to live not just try
I want to give not just die
I want to believe not fret
That He has paid all of my debts

I want to live - not just try...

Readily Available

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ." I Corinthians 12:12

I constantly get on myself for not being like everyone else. This is a DAILY struggle for me and Facebook makes it that much more prevalent in my life. I see people who have already finished their degrees in the "average" time it takes - I have not. I see people having babies - I have not. I see people who are doing great things in ministry - I have not. I look at others and see all the things I have not done. I see people living out their lives, healthy and happy - I on the other hand must struggle with the torrents of PMDD. Why, oh why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I so insecure in who I am that I think it would be that much better to be in someone else's shoes when quite possibily they're thinking they'd like to be in my shoes (if you are...trust me, you don't want this life or my mind!)ugh!

"Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body." I Corinthians 12:15

I often times think I don't have anything to offer to anyone...especially the church. Being involved in music for so long, I thought that was my "calling". I thought that was my ministry. Once I got hurt, I didn't want anything to do with music for quite a long time. I had conditioned myself to think the hurt came from the music I was apart of and creating. I see the wonderful talent I'm surrounded by and think I'll never be able to do that and I'll never be able to live up to that. I use to want to write music. Oh, how I had a desire to write music...to be able to express my inner most emotions in a beautiful way - now that takes TALENT. The only song I ever wrote was called "Storm" and its an instrumental piece and it got torn apart by a peer because it never modulates. You would think after going to school to be a music major for 4+ years I would know what the heck I'm doing. I don't know chord progressions, I can't play the guitar, I can't improvise. I'm scared to death to improvise! I can read music, though. So what do I do with that? Just lay it to rest in the back corners of my closet collecting dust like I've done with my clarinet?

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable" I Corinthians 2:21-22

Indispensable? Really? How can we make other people feel like this? Because I know I certainly feel dispensable rather than INdispensable! That is what I want to do. Make people feel special and loved and let them know they're not alone and that God is there for them no matter what and that even if they feel no one on this earth loves them...I do! I want to build other people up and praise them for their accomplishments even if they think they're small and insignificant. That's what we are called to do.

"But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." I Corinthians 12:24-26

So, why do we so often throw people to the side when things get tough? Do we not want to allow people into our lives or do we not want to take the time to get intimate in others lives? If this is what we're called to do, why aren't we doing it?

We should be readily available to give to others before they even have to ask.
We should be readily available to pour out love, kindness and encouragment instead of judgement, bitterness, and hate.

We should be readily available to reach across the aisle and hold hands with each other...in the good times and in the bad.

I can't hold your hand unless you're willing to hold my hand too.

Tap, tap, tap...

I feel a tapping at my heart. I see it and feel it everywhere.

This past week, I have felt a need to do and create like never before. I want to give and to reach out. I've started to draw, but the more I start to draw the more images, vibrant and beautiful, flood my head.

I feel the need to hold the ones I love close at hand and let them know how much they mean to me.

I feel the need to be positive and reassure those that are in a tough spot because I know all too well what that is like.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling. It's a new and different sensation. I feel a stirring going on, but not sure how to describe it.

I am still struggling with going to church. I'm struggling with the same issues as usual. Not yesterday, but last week, I had an incredibly difficult time. Whenever I exercise it has a tendency to set my cycle back and I have to be cautious of this because I need to be aware due to my PMDD. Whenever I am late, my "episodes" have a tendency to rear their ugly heads after instead of before. That is what happened.

I get to church and I felt alone. Even sitting next to people on the praise team, I feel alone. I go sit in the sanctuary. I feel alone. I watch the hustle and bustle of the people fellowshipping around me, but never apart of it. I start crying. I tell myself not to. The more I tell myself not to, the more I start to cry. It's embarrassing because once I start crying - I can't stop! I get up and go to the bathroom, give myself a pep talk in the mirror. It will all be over soon. You're gonna be OK! I muster up the courage to go back out into the sanctuary and immediately start crying again. I go up and start singing praise and worship and try to whole-heartily get lost in God. It works and I stop crying...but once I have to go sit back down, I get immensely sad all over again.

The pastor's sermon was great and I got a lot out of it, but when he gave the alter call I didn't want to go. I decided to tell my inner monologue to shut its whiny mouth and go. Pastor said they were going to pray for people starting at one side and go to the other side. I went up at the last minute, and stood praying and believing God to restore me. Time goes by and finally I open my eyes and somehow I was the only person on that side of the church and everyone else was getting prayed for on the opposite side. I was crushed and quite literally pissed off. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, just hurt that I feel like yet again...I am alone! Always alone!

I got home and I told Steve that I was tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of surviving my life instead of living it. I don't understand why I'm constantly getting slapped in the face, but yet I feel like I have to be the strong one. I don't understand why I have to keep giving and not receiving. I don't understand why it's the same thing over and over and OVER again! What lesson am I not learning? What am I not getting? If someone could kindly point it out to me because I don't want to stay in this area of my life. I don't want to continue to deal with these things...but yet I am.

So, to cope - I started drawing this last week. There is a lot of emotion within me that wants and needs to get out. Do I think its any good or I'm gonna be the next Picasso, no, but it seems to be helping and it seems to be touching an area of my life that needs to be restored.

I'm looking for meaning. I'm looking for purpose and I don't view the world through the same eyes as you do. None of us do, but being a TCK and being a woman that deals with PMDD, my sights are different. My meaning is my Savior, but I don't agree with traditionalism. I don't agree with doing something because society says its what you're "supposed" to do. Church, right now, is like that for me. I'm not getting much out of it except to feel an incredible amount of anxiety and hurt. Will that change? I hope so. All I can do is work on my attitude and do what I do best...and that is to be me. I want to love people and help hurting people. I feel I do that best outside of the church - right now. I'm a hurting person and I'm not finding my healing in a place that is supposed to be my "Christian family". Am I looking at things the wrong way? Again, I don't know. But when the church doesn't look at issues such as depression, mood disorders, self-injury and try to understand... rather they slap a label of lazy, demon-possessed, or lack of faith on it.

I do not have a lack of faith. If anything, my trials have given me that much more faith because people have hurt me so much. If I didn't have faith in my God - I would have given up a long time ago. That's not to say that we don't all deal with our own thorns. These are issues, circumstances and insecurities I deal with on a daily basis and I don't want or need other people pushing them in further or harder.

All of that to say - I feel something brewing inside - tapping inside. Something is calling to me. I'm not sure what it is...but I'm curious to find out.

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” ~ Tom Krause