The Will and Want to Understand

There is something beautiful and almost sacred when human beings show compassion towards each other.  The simple act of a smile.  The gentle ease of a hug.  The kindness of a listening ear.  We need each other and we need to lift each other up.

Our youth pastor, Rob Bateman, once discussed with me what he's taught his own children "There is enough hatred and hurt in the world.  It won't be like that in my house.  We will love each other and we will be here to support each other."

Those words penetrated deep into my heart and represent that we should not add to the hatred and hurt in the world, but add more love and kindness.

We may not always understand where people are coming from, but the will and want to understand may far outweigh the actual comprehension of what a person is going through.  The fact that another living person is interested enough to try and understand who we are, what we're about, what we like and don't, sharing in our fears and dreams, etc gives a sense of belonging.

There are a lot of people in this world that don't feel they belong.  If they don't act a certain way.  If they don't look a certain way.  If they don't speak a certain way.  Why do we judge?  Because of fear - because most times the unknown is scary.


"Be kind and compassionate towards each other" ~ Ephesians 4:32

"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" ~ Colossians 3:12 

I use to ask myself why I had to go through difficulties with my emotions; why I had to deal with the stigma and embarrassment of a mood disorder because I'm already a super empathetic person by nature.  However, over these past 7 years, I've gained a deeper understanding of the pain others go through - how it feels to be mistreated, judged, disliked, ostracized, let down, and rejected.  By the same token, I have also learned from those experiences how not to treat others and that often times people just want to be acknowledged.  They want others to just TRY and understand where they're coming from.  They want others to TRY and listen without speaking judgement or giving advice.  They want someone to be there.  They want someone to care.  They want to know their life is valuable and has meaning.

We are reminded to feel for others, and to feel deeply:

"Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering" ~ Hebrews 13:3

Here's a secret. You may never understand, but my encouragement is don't stop trying. Don't stop reaching out. Don't stop showering compassion.

Here comes the "PMDD" again

You know the Eurythmics song "Here comes the rain again"....just switch some of the words around and make into a tragedy song instead of a love song and that is how I feel today.
Here comes the "PMDD" again....
Here comes the "anger" again....
Here comes the "tears" again....
Here comes the "paranoia" again...

Don't talk to me....but if you don't I'll be sad
Don't hug me....but if you don't then I'll be mad
Just hate me like I know you do
Just give me a couple days until this is through

Yeah, that's how I feel yet again.

What really got me in a tizzy is my brain thinking too much. I seem to have a tendency to do that during this time of month. Either the hamster is working over time or he's taking a nap upstairs in his wheel. Today he seems to be reeling out all sorts of anxiety-like thoughts.

When I first went through my string of doctors, I was diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder. Every once in a while, I'll do research and look stuff up to see why I was diagnosed as such. From my findings, I understand why I have traits of BPD. I'm insecure, I fear abandonment, I get super anger and impulsive, and I've very confused about who I am a lot of times because of everything I've been through and/or being a TCK.

I just get to thinking - what the heck is wrong with me? Will I ever just be OK? Will I ever be able to live out a happy, healthy life without always feeling like I'm in the wrong one way or another? Will I ever feel like I'm enough? Will I ever feel like I have people who love me and care about me even though I'm told everyday? What is enough for me? What am I expecting? And most importantly...why am I like this?!

If I don't get some of this out - I will implode and I would much rather not go back to my old tactics of coping.

These are the times I wish I had a magic wand so I could bop myself on the head to either make the thoughts go away or just knock myself unconscious for a while so that I will wake up when this junk passes. Le sigh...

It must be so nice for "normal" people to live out their lives not questioning their everyday existence. I wonder what that's like. It must be so nice for women to go through this time of month with little to no repercussions. It must be so nice to not be a woman! It must be nice to have your family live right down the road. It must be nice to think you're an awesome person. It must be nice to not have your moods fluctuate on you every couple of weeks. It must be nice to know what strength and courage is. It must be nice to know how much you are loved and feel secure in it.

Don't ask me who that's directed towards, I just feel like spouting off. I'm feeling sorry for myself and just angry. It's what I do....

I guess instead of here comes the PMDD again, I should say here IS the PMDD again. Seesh.