I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to say. When ideas come to me, they come as the whole
(yet blurry) picture. I have to then
take time to try and dissect the whole
down into detailed pieces. So, if it
seems like I’m rambling – bear with me as I try and talk out my thoughts and
feelings.
Just this past week, I had a very bad meltdown (which I know
now was due to PMDD) and it got exacerbated by what I think was a paradoxical
effect of a medication I took. I won’t
go into much detail about that because that is not what this idea is
about.
For too long I’ve beat myself up for the meltdowns, for
acting irrationally even though I try so hard not to. I think “I must not be trying hard enough” or
“I must be trying to sabotage myself and everyone around me by acting this
way”. Every time PMDD comes around, it
feels like Ground Hog’s Day all over again; it feels like I’ve not gotten
anywhere – I’m back where I was when all this horrible mess started.
But that’s just not
true. Even with this disorder and any
other disorder a person deals with, people grow and change. I know that, but my head keeps telling me
“yeah, but what about that old saying you are what you repeatedly do”? And then I’ll be back down in the dumps
feeding my depression when I am supposed to be on my good days.
Dealing with PMDD is such a conundrum because part of you
wants to fight and beat it. And the
other part wants to give up. There have
been times that I completely deny I even deal with this disorder. This is especially true on the good days
because if I were to admit it, that would mean I’m weak. It would mean that I’m
fallible. It would mean I’m not perfect.
But none of us are perfect.
Honestly, if you went through the DSM you could probably diagnose
everyone with SOMETHING! Everyone has
traits of some sort of disorder. No one
person is without problems and/or issues.
Then it hit me. I’ve
not accepted PMDD. I’ve not accepted
that I live and deal with PMDD. Every
month comes and I’m caught off guard like a deer in the headlights. And for what?
To save face? Pride? Self-preservation…thinking I’m helping myself
from getting hurt? By not accepting
this, I’m hurting myself more.
So, if I accept PMDD… will that make me worse off?
Will it mean I’ve been labeled “broken,” “ruined,”
“fragile,” “damaged,” or any other label your mind can conjure up?
Will it mean I’ve given up fighting?
What does acceptance actually mean?
I would love to give you a simple break down of A, B, C or
1, 2 3 in acceptance and how to achieve it, but in all honesty, I’m going
through this process right now. I just
recognized a couple of weeks ago that I had not accepted PMDD…truly accepted
it. There is a difference between
knowing it’s going on, hoping it will disappear and understanding the disorder
as well as yourself.
As I continue down this journey, I will share more. There is something to be said about learning
who you are. If you accept PMDD, you
will begin to discover who you are…who you really are deep down inside.
That is my next step in the acceptance process.