I don't want to add more sadness to the world. I don't want to add more troubles than there already are. I don't want to be a bother or a nuisance. I want to help. I want to heal. But the pain will not subside. Am I lonely because I withdraw or because people genuinely don't want to be around me? This is more than my PMDD. But it started with my PMDD.
It started because I was put on wrong medication. I was misdiagnosed. I went through nasty side-effects. I moved away to regain my strength and my life. But I needed to heal from another wound created on top of dealing with the disorder of PMDD.
I had a "relapse"...that's what I'll call it, however I've never felt suicidal not being on medication...and being in the hospital made me feel like I was starting back at square one. I was re-living all the previous pain, all the previous humiliation, all the previous misunderstanding. The only thing that changed was my level of fear. I wasn't scared. I chose to seek help even though I don't feel I received help. I chose to go to the hospital. I chose to find a doctor. I'm choosing whether or not I want to be on medication. Before I didn't feel I had a choice. I left everything in the hands of strangers. We have a choice. We have the choice to educate ourselves about what is going on. We have a choice to find another doctor if we don't feel they are the right one. We have a choice to live this life to the fullest.
I am miserable right now. I feel continually lost and alone. I know I'm not alone in my journey, but my faith waivers when I've been surrounded by emptiness for years upon years. The edges become blurry and I don't know if my actions are creating reactions or if this is reality. I feel boxed in and suffocated. I want to break free.
Four corners
More corners
Boxed in
Caged
Locked up
Suffocating
Closed in
Ashamed
Looking out
watching reality pass by
The beauty out there
The misery in here
Longing to die
The rain begins to fall
Cool and serene
Look! She's dancing, she's dancing
It's washing her clean
She's living, she's healing
It's so captivating
She's moving, she's thriving
It's so motivating
She stomps
She pounds
She jumps
She spins round and round
How did she get there
Why am I still in here
I want to be
Breaking free
Carelessly
Dancing in the rain
There are always doors
That you may never have seen
Because you were busy looking out the window
Longing for things that could have been
You too can dance in the rain
Dance despite the shame or the pain
Now is your chance to break the chain
Open your door and watch what you'll gain
Your life, your happiness
Your sanity
Your smile, your joy
At last you are free
The answers lie within us. We just have to believe enough in ourselves to realize that the door to unlocking our happiness has been there all along. It is different for each person. Believe. Break the chain. Break the stigma. Know that you are free. You nor I are bound by an illness, or a label, or a circumstance, or a situation. We are so much more. We can dance despite the rain. We can dance in the rain.
