Acceptance

I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to say.  When ideas come to me, they come as the whole (yet blurry) picture.  I have to then take time to try and dissect the whole down into detailed pieces.  So, if it seems like I’m rambling – bear with me as I try and talk out my thoughts and feelings.

Just this past week, I had a very bad meltdown (which I know now was due to PMDD) and it got exacerbated by what I think was a paradoxical effect of a medication I took.  I won’t go into much detail about that because that is not what this idea is about. 

For too long I’ve beat myself up for the meltdowns, for acting irrationally even though I try so hard not to.  I think “I must not be trying hard enough” or “I must be trying to sabotage myself and everyone around me by acting this way”.  Every time PMDD comes around, it feels like Ground Hog’s Day all over again; it feels like I’ve not gotten anywhere – I’m back where I was when all this horrible mess started.

 But that’s just not true.  Even with this disorder and any other disorder a person deals with, people grow and change.  I know that, but my head keeps telling me “yeah, but what about that old saying you are what you repeatedly do”?  And then I’ll be back down in the dumps feeding my depression when I am supposed to be on my good days.

Dealing with PMDD is such a conundrum because part of you wants to fight and beat it.  And the other part wants to give up.  There have been times that I completely deny I even deal with this disorder.  This is especially true on the good days because if I were to admit it, that would mean I’m weak.  It would mean that I’m fallible.  It would mean I’m not perfect. 

But none of us are perfect.  Honestly, if you went through the DSM you could probably diagnose everyone with SOMETHING!  Everyone has traits of some sort of disorder.  No one person is without problems and/or issues.

Then it hit me.  I’ve not accepted PMDD.  I’ve not accepted that I live and deal with PMDD.  Every month comes and I’m caught off guard like a deer in the headlights.  And for what?  To save face?  Pride?  Self-preservation…thinking I’m helping myself from getting hurt?  By not accepting this, I’m hurting myself more.

So, if I accept PMDD… will that make me worse off? 

Will it mean I’ve been labeled “broken,” “ruined,” “fragile,” “damaged,” or any other label your mind can conjure up? 

Will it mean I’ve given up fighting?

What does acceptance actually mean?

 

I would love to give you a simple break down of A, B, C or 1, 2 3 in acceptance and how to achieve it, but in all honesty, I’m going through this process right now.  I just recognized a couple of weeks ago that I had not accepted PMDD…truly accepted it.  There is a difference between knowing it’s going on, hoping it will disappear and understanding the disorder as well as yourself.

 

As I continue down this journey, I will share more.  There is something to be said about learning who you are.  If you accept PMDD, you will begin to discover who you are…who you really are deep down inside.

That is my next step in the acceptance process. 

Shedding Some Light on PMDD

I happened upon a great article!  And I am so glad to see that they are FINALLY bringing some awareness of the condition here in the states and Dr. Oz is a huge entity in the U.S.  I'm also glad to hear the author, who is a neuropathic doctor who specializes in the area of PMS and PMDD, has jettisoned the previous, highly talked about among extreme feminist groups, idea that PMDD isn't real or it is used as a sign of weakness. 

Those of us who deal with the condition know how far from the truth that is and how often we try and be "OK" (when we clearly are not!) due to the taboo of the subject.  I encourage you to keep doing your own research.  Try not to get discouraged by the lack of understanding that you may come up against and if you feel up for it, raise awareness!!!  You are not alone!!!

Check out Dr. Daniel Heller's article "PMDD: When PMS Interferes With Life and Living" on Dr. Oz's website.  Let me know your thoughts :)

Comfort in the Pain

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (Message)

Oh, what a silly human I am sometimes.  Looking back over the last several years of my life and what a hardship I've been going through, things are just now coming into focus.  All I've ever wanted was to help others.  Then, all of a sudden I'm struck with hardships seen through PMDD and through my identity issues with being a TCK.  I completely closed myself off to others.  I almost lost my faith.  I was very close to throwing off all my belief in God, so frustrated that I have to go through these tough times.  So frustrated that it seems like I haven't gone anywhere since the tough times started.  Mad and angry that God didn't seem to be doing anything for me....that I wasn't being comforted.

As I started to read this wonderful message on "Where Can We Find Comfort" that is part of a series that RBC ministries has put out, something written really struck a chord with me. 

"We may want nothing more than a warm embrace and a reassuring word that will get us back on our feet and back to business as usual.  But Paul's experience of comfort show in some very specific ways that God may not want us to go back to where we were" (Sper, 2005, p. 7)

Honestly that sums up exactly what I've been wanting.  Just some reassurance or a kind word to get me back on my feet and back to where I was comfortable...

But God doesn't always want us to be comfortable.  Comfortable means a provision of physical ease and relaxation.  There are times in our walk with the Lord that we do need to rest and relax, but we shouldn't be in that mode often - otherwise we're not getting anywhere.  We're not growing, we're not changing, we're not being molded into who God wants us to be. 

All these years, I've been looking for ways to put myself back in a place/situation/familiar surrounding that makes me feel safe and comfortable - when maybe God has been trying to stretch me and enable to me to grow and meet the desire of my heart which is to help others.

There has been a lot of research done on how there are many health benefits to helping others - especially for patients with chronic pain and depression.  Here is a great link that discusses this matter.

But, if we look closely, the Bible already discusses what science and research has proven.  Several verses discuss the importance of putting others at the forefront of our preoccupations and to care for each other.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." ~ Romans 12:10

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." ~ Phillipians 2:3

Maybe part of the reason I've gone through hardships other than to change and be molded is so that I can help others in similar situations.  But I can't help others until I accept the comfort and help from the Lord.  And until I do that...I'm not going to move forward and I'm not going to be able to help others.

Maybe another reason I've gone through this season of hardship is to be brought closer to the Lord.  It didn't appear that way for the last several years.  In fact, I would almost say that it pushed me away from my faith...

But that is because I was relying on others to make me better.  I was relying on others to comfort me.  I was relying on the strength of myself (which I didn't often have) to pull me through. 

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" ~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Sometimes we have to get to the end of our rope to realize that we have never truly been alone. We have to have things taken away from us to realize the ONE thing that truly does matter. And to learn that no matter what sort of storm we go through, we have our ever-loving God right next to our side.

Try Again

Closing yourself off.  Withdrawing from others.  Isolation.  All of these things come naturally when you're dealing with depression....but they're detrimental to any person's well being.

I've got a double whammy dealing with PMDD and also the cultural differences that come from being a TCK.  Both of these issues have made it difficult to thrive and exist happily in society. 

PMDD causes a woman to feel she is going crazy every month.  It makes her feel like nobody understands her - like she has no control over her thoughts and/or actions.  Because I didn't often understand my own moods, how could I expect anyone else too.  I became embarrassed and closed myself off from the rest of the world.

Being a TCK in my passport country has caused me a lot of heartache because I feel people are so segregated in the US.  A good majority of people don't know how to welcome newcomers and/or transplants.  Therefore, it's easy for a TCK to become isolated even if we have skills to jump into a new place.  I never had as difficult a time moving to different countries (granted, I only moved twice abroad) because there were always others in a similar situation that I was.  People were willing to open up their hearts to a newcomer and in turn, I did the same when I met newbies.  Here in the US, in my passport country, it seems there are a new set of rules that I haven't been privy too and I feel vulnerable and caught off guard so much of the time.  I feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be my home. 

Because of these two issues, it has been easy for me to close myself off from the rest of the world.  It has been easy to say, nobody gets me - who cares - what's the point.  There is a point, though.  And no matter how lonely it gets - no matter how hard it gets, you are not alone.

I was so hurt when I initially came back to the states, that I closed myself off from wanting to participate in everyday society.  I did what I needed to do to survive.  I got up every morning, went to my job, interacted if I had to, came home and stayed home.  This sort of living was not the person I was when I lived overseas.  I was very active in the community, always looking for something to get involved in.

I was a candy striper (volunteered at the hospital), I was in cross-country, I was in drama and plays, I was very active in music, I was our high school mascot, I was a bagger at the base commissary for three years (I would always sing to my customers at Christmas time to get better tips.  I don't know if they were paying me because they liked it or to get me to stop...haha!), I tutored, I babysat, I was involved in FBLA, NHS, my high school committee.  I took piano lessons from Gustaf and we often had recitals.  I always had something going on.  I felt apart of the community and that my life was a contribution rather than a nuisance or not worth anything.

Somewhere between dealing with the hardships of acclimating to the States and the onset of PMDD, I lost all grasp on the world that I knew.  It has felt like I've been falling down a black hole for a very long time.

I'm tired of closing myself off, though.  I'm tired of not believing in the person that I am because others don't understand me.  I'm tired of becoming defensive and hurt.  I'm tired being bored out of my mind because I've closed myself off to the possibilities of what could be.

Yes, I'm still incredibly sensitive to the fact that when I go to the gym, because I'm not there with other people from work or friends, the other people don't talk or interact with me.  But I'm an extrovert for crying out loud.  I'm going to weasel my way into people's lives because this other way that I've been living the past 9-10 years hasn't been working! 

I would just encourage other women with PMDD and others that are TCKs, don't close yourselves off.  I know there is a chance that you may get hurt and it's frustrating when you feel you're not understood or don't belong.  Just don't stop trying.  Stand up, brush yourself off, and try again.     

Unraveling Knots

"And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies' plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger" ~ The Last Battle C.S. Lewis

Far too long I've been believing my life doesn't matter.  Far too long I've forgotten that I'm not in this game of life alone.  I'm still incredibly gun shy, but I believe there is a reason for everything I've endured just as I believe there is a reason we all go through hardships.

A verse that comes to mind over and over again from the time that I was a young Christian is:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~ Galatians 1:10

Man, I'm a bad people pleaser.  Not as bad as I use to be, but it still seems to be an innate trait that won't go away.  I want to be liked and I want others to know that I like them.  I use to try so hard to find SOMETHING good about others even if they annoyed the crap out of me because I desperately didn't want to be rejected.  My altruistic service to others was coated in a fine sense of selfishness.

For whatever reason, every trial in my life has left me alone.  It has left me with little to no support.  It has left me with the sense of rejection and the thought that I have to deal with life all on on my own.

I get so wrapped up in my situation, that I forget the truth...the truth that we're never truly alone.  Even when people hurt you (which inevitably will happen - we're all human and we all make mistakes), God never forsakes us.

Why have I forgotten this truth?  Why have I failed to realize that I'm not alone?

Because the enemy is so crafty.  The enemy has a way of taking bits of truth and twisting them to where the lie seems to be nothing but reality and nothing but absolute truth.  It's like a string that becomes so twisted and manipulated that it's hard to find where the truth begins and where the lie ends.  It becomes a big ol' tangled mess.

My life has felt like a big ol' tangled mess for a really long time.  I've been so focused on this knotted up string of lies in my mind and moods that I forget that God has every capability and want to unravel what my feeble self cannot manage.

I want to learn things fast and want to do them now.  However, unraveling knots takes both time and patience.

Living vs Existing

Gah!  I have so many things I'm trying to decide what to do.  I've FINALLY figured out that I want to go into international education in higher education.  I'm looking to transfer to YSU and hoping if I get accepted that I'll be able to volunteer in the international department or at least get involved with the community somehow.

That's another thing I've been looking into.  I need to get involved in something.  I was volunteering for Reading for the Blind for a while.  I'm not really sure why I stopped.  I started to look on the Valley's website for more volunteer opportunities.  I know a big part of my problems stem from not feeling or being connected. 

Thinking back, I felt it was wise for us to move up to Ohio.  But by leaving and going to a new place, we had to get acclimated all over again.  Maybe my husband didn't because he grew up here, but I think he still had some adjustment issues.  We all do when we leave a place we call home and then try to come back to it.  It never really is the same.  We don't notice when we stay because we mold and change with the place.  It's only noticable when you leave.

Living up here for four years, we've been going to school and working.  And that's about it.  I'm so ready to do something new with my life....something different.  Obviously, having a job is a means of necessity.  Can't change that.  I have obligations now.  I have a family and a house.  We don't have children YET, but they'll eventually come along too. 

I need to find a way to appreciate and thrive in my life now instead of wishing it could be different.  The realizations I've come to about being a TCK have been refreshing and enlightening.  It's taken me a long time.  The realizations I'm coming to about PMDD are still coming into focus, and that's OK because it's a balancing act.  Now, it's time to take all of this information, accept it for what it is, and live my life.  I've been existing for so long.  Existing and living are two very different things.

It's all a matter of perspective and while my perspective is positive, I want to take full advantage of that!

Finding Happiness With a Chemical Imbalance

Sometimes, when people have chemical imbalances such as depression and PMDD, it can be difficult to find and maintain happiness.  Step into the shoes of women that deal with PMDD for a moment.  What do we look forward to?  We know that every single month, without doubt, anger, sadness, depression, irritability, among additional physical pains will be popping up to wreck their havoc on us.  Don’t you think that gets tiring?  Absolutely.  The disorder already conjures up depression on a monthly basis, but the cyclic pattern and knowing that it’s coming back around again also contributes to depression and not feeling very happy.  So, what happens is that many women with this disorder develop long-term depression (this is not a scientific fact just knowledge I’m going off of talking and discussing the issue with other women that also deal with PMDD) and feelings of hopelessness and a lot of unhappiness.

So, how can we curb this?  Being that it is a chemical imbalance, some medication may be required.  However, there are other things that an individual can do to help their well-being and mind set.

I had the opportunity to take a class called Happy Talk and two things I’ve learned about finding happiness involves finding “flow” and being “mindful”. 

A lot of research has been done about obtaining happiness.  It is said that happiness is subjective and relative.  Many people think that if they made more money, they would be happier.  That’s not always the case.  Brickman et al. (1978) explains that lottery-winners and people who have recently become quadriplegic don’t see much of a change in their happiness level as one might expect. 

Another bit of research states that people who are more extroverted have a greater chance at happiness (Lucas, 2008).  Also, those who have personality traits such as conscientiousness, agreeableness, self-esteem, and optimism warrants the ability to basically be happier than those that are introverted or without the traits just mentioned (Lucas and Diener, 2008).

Ok, so what happens if you’re introverted and you may not be optimistic or have the best self-esteem.  Introversion is a personality trait, yes, but there are things that a person can do within their comfort zone to present themselves to a more social atmosphere that an extrovert may encounter.  Find a support group.  Allow yourself the opportunity to tell your story.  Talk with people you trust and if you don’t have any, find some.  If you feel you’re not good with people, there are things you can learn to help you out.  There are social skills that can be learned.  Make sure you start small.  And keep in mind that everyone has a story and many times people just want to be heard and want someone to be interested in them.  You’d be surprised to find out that not everyone is bad or not trustworthy!

So, back to finding “flow” and being “mindful”.  What is flow?

Flow is the state you're in when you are fully engaged in a task that is interesting, challenging, and intrinsically rewarding to you. This is the experience of "losing yourself in the moment" or, as sports players say, "being in the zone." (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990; 1998).  Flow can also be stated as finding your purpose and living out that purpose fully.  The first step to finding flow is to find out what your skills are.  Don’t compare yourself to others, this is about you and what you may be good at not what society, your parents, your teachers, or anyone else expects of you.

With that being said, I’m going to jump back for a moment and make sure that you understand that happiness is often based on expectations, as well (Gilbert, 2008).  By allowing yourself to lower your expectations about certain things, you’ll be allowing yourself the opportunity to experience happiness.

So, how do you obtain flow? 

After you figure out what your skill set is, challenge yourself.  Do something you’re good at but push it to the limit.  Don’t push it too far because you might become discouraged and give up altogether.  If you’re in a job that is boring or that you don’t like – consider getting another job.  If that is not feasible, challenge yourself in your job.  Make your own goals.  Make up games.  Make the job interesting.  Only you will truly know how to do that.

What is mindfulness?

 Mindfulness is paying attention to your situation, your actions, and your feelings.  This can take practice, too.  It means to slow down in the business that we can often get caught up in.  It means not allowing consumerism to take over our lives because now you know, these things ultimately won’t bring you happiness.

It’s about finding others, interacting with others, finding something you can get lost in the moment with and being mindful of yourself and your situation.  I’m going to give these things a try.  If you’ve had experience with any of this, I would love to hear your feedback!

References

Brickman, Coates, & Janoff-Bulman (1978). Lottery winners and accident victims: Is happiness relative? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36: 917-927.

Csikszentmihalyi (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York: Harper and Row.

Csikszentmihalyi (1998). Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement With Everyday Life. Basic Books.

Gilbert (2006). Stumbling on happiness. New York: Knopf.

Make it a Choice

Many people set a resolution around this time of year as New Year's quickly approaches. One of the biggest resolutions people are bound and determined to make, as well as meet, is to lose weight.  I've had the privilege to watch my husband lose 25+ lbs over the entire month of November.  I am so proud of him and watching his success give me more desire to get back into a healthy lifestyle.

I've tried to "diet" before....many, many times.  No sooner do I quit just after a short period of time.  Typically, I last a day - two at most.  That's why I chose Weight Watchers because they define they're weight loss program as a lifestyle change, not a diet. 

One thing that I'm encouraging myself to do that works in conjunction with WW's "don't deprive yourself" is always ask the question - do I want to do __________ today? Do I want to eat healthy today? Do I want to exercise today? Sometimes the answer may be "no". The next step is to ask - will I do __________ today? It's very important to always give yourself the choice. This is a lesson I'm continually learning and it's a very important lesson to be learned.

I use to tell myself I was going to do something and then would end up sabotaging the whole thing by rebelling and doing the absolute opposite...and that was for any area in my life. Allowing yourself the choice to choose seems silly, but it works with kids and it works with our adult minds, too. 

This is a new beginning for me and although it may not be easy, I'm choosing this path; the path that will lead to a more abundant, fulfilling life.