Three Little Words - NOS

I am scared and don't know what to do. It's probably nothing - but so often I'm left alone with nothing but my thoughts. Those thoughts turn into bigger thoughts and then the bigger thoughts begin to cycle out of control until it contributes to anxiety and I feel like I'm losing control. I would rather not lose control. Because when I lose control, I feel like I lose all sense of accomplishment that I've made so far.

I've been taking Prozac, fluoxetine, since last July. I've been on many different types of medications. I've been diagnosed with many different things but always with those three little words - NOS. For those who may not be familiar with psychiatric disorders and/or labeling, NOS is the acronym for Not Otherwise Specified....or in laymen’s terms, we really don't know what you have so we're going to slap a general label on you.

I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar NOS with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and my newest and most recent diagnosis is Mood Disorder NOS....which is probably the broadest diagnosis a person can have.

What I have is PMDD. What I deal with is insecurity in who I am because I grew up differently from my American peers. I wasn't prepared for the transition that I was going to experience and instead of someone acknowledging that I was having transition difficulties; I got told I was demon possessed. I really wish I could let go of that, but that has messed with me more than I care to admit.

Back to why I'm scared.

So, I've been on Prozac for over a year now and it really seems to regulate my moods. It works really well for me the week before my period when I would normally have anxiety attacks and meltdowns. HOWEVER....once my period ends, my supposed "good time" has now completely switched on the medication. What's the point of being on medication if it helps one thing but creates another problem? In my case, my symptoms have just flip flopped.

Sure this may not seem like a problem, but it's incredibly frustrating to me. Over the course of 8 years, I've been on 7 different antidepressants, 2 anti-anxiety meds, 1 mood stabilizer, and 2 antipsychotics. I've tried intermittent dosing. I've tried a couple of medications together. I've tried going off medication for three years.

All of this to say, I'm not even thirty years old yet. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. And with all of this and the stress I've experience in my short lifetime, my cycle has NEVER been but a week late at MOST!

Since May, I've dealt with 2 complete missed periods and one really late start. Why now? Why all of sudden have all my symptoms been purely emotional. Why now is my body sabotaging me in this way too?? That's how it feels. I've been through the ups and downs of dealing with the stigma attached to PMDD and all the other stigmas attached to mental illnesses. I've been through the ups and downs of losing any and all friends and support. I've been through the ups and downs of wondering if I should try and help others or just ignore what I'm dealing with.

I started crying at work today because I just feel like I can't win. I try to be positive...and I try to be good and kind to others. All of that is overshadowed by my negative attitude and my lack of faith, especially faith in myself.

Not Otherwise Specified......let me tell you something specific about PMDD. It comes on you and creates havoc like you wouldn't believe. Then you have to try and pick yourself back up secretly hoping and wishing that you haven't made a bigger mess. Things appear to cycle just as your menses cycles. Hardly any relief.

I thought I was starting to get relief. The medication was helping me....and now, this. I count on knowing when my period is going to start. I count on knowing it because that is when my relief comes. That is when my sanity comes back. That is when I can relax, pick myself up and move forward again. Now that it’s not coming....I'm having more meltdowns....I'm having more anxiety and more paranoid fleeting thoughts. I want to stay strong, but I'm scared.

I'm so tired of dealing with this and now something new.
I'm so tired of fighting and then feeling like I'm getting nowhere.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have nobody that cares
I'm so tired of feeling inadequate.
I'm so tired of feeling like people look down on me.
I'm so tired of feeling like a monster in a cage.

I wish I had some real answers.  I wish I had some real specifics.  I wish I had more than just speculation and guessses to go off of.
 

Stressed

Surprise, surprise.  I’m having a difficult time – yet again.  I don’t know if the difficult times every truly subside for me or I’m just able to focus on something else long enough to distract me from the pain that lingers inside due to feeling lost and displaced.

These past couples of weeks have been hard.  Mix that in with the fact that it is my PMDD time and women with PMDD should try really hard to relieve what stress they have in their lives.  I didn’t get much of a chance to do that.

We had a fire at our house on April 16^th.  Not too much damage was done, but the smoke was horrible inside the house and wasn’t livable.  We moved in with the in-laws for a bit and then decided to move into a hotel.  It was nice at first.  We were able to go down to the pool whenever we wanted (except on the days when they were having a cheer competition and little girls infested the entire place!!).  They have a really nice continental breakfast.  It kind of reminded me of all the summers of traveling. 

Then I had my interview for transferring to a new graduate school.  I can never gauge those things and I’ve never participated in a group interview before.  It was really intimidating and even more so when several of the students interviewing already go to the school.  I left an hour early from work to give myself ample time to grab some lunch and then find a parking spot.  I ate crap from KFC, which was all carbs and didn’t help anything (but what’s new, the hubby and I have been eating out a lot since the fire since we don’t have a kitchen and have a teeny tiny little refrigerator).  Then I was trying to find a parking space and I pulled up to go into a deck until I realized you had to have a student pass.  Well, obviously I didn’t and needed to back out.  There was a car that had pulled in behind me and I signaled for her to let me out.  She started flailing in the car and flicking me off.  I stopped traffic to back out.  I did that AGAIN in another parking area.  I called the graduate office to help me out and the student worker started spouting off road names and I was like, look – I don’t know this area at all.  Finally, I just parked in the faculty parking lot.  It was the only one that didn’t have a little gate down.  By that point, I didn’t care if I got ticketed.  I got up to the interview a MINUTE before it started at noon.  It was so nerve racking.

I think I did ok.

I just don’t know.  I have such a lack of confidence in myself.  The main reason I wanted to transfer is so that I could have a connection and an opportunity to network with people.  But the problem with changing something YET AGAIN, is having to start new and fresh.  Explaining yourself and your story all over again.  And every time I explain that I’m not from here, I get awkward silence and people’s body language tend to withdraw from me.  I don’t know if they think I’m better than them…but that couldn’t be further from the truth!  If anything, I’m so insecure and want people to know that I’m open and accepting, but because of the way I grew up, I’m shunned.  But yet if I don’t mention that, I get looked at weird because I’m not from here.  Just like I was expected to know the streets down town where I was trying to find a parking spot!  It’s such a catch-22 and it gets exhausting.

And this is why I feel defeated all the time.  This is why I feel lost and like a loser.  This is why I get fed up and want to sleep all the time.  I feel like if I was plucked from the face of this earth, it wouldn’t change the picture at all. 

It’s so easy for others to say, take medication and be better.  Guess what, I do take medication and it doesn’t take away the pain and reality that I feel like a misfit in society.

It’s so easy for others to say, go see a counselor and have them solve all your problems.  I’ve been to multiple counselors over the years who just don’t seem to understand that I struggle with cultural and identity issues along with hormonal issues that magnify these existing problems on a monthly basis. 

All I can do, sometimes, is get my thoughts and feelings out into the open.  I don’t know if it changes a single thing.  I don’t even think it helps me anymore.  But it’s the one thing I have left to do to keep my sanity.

Drowning

I feel like nobody cares.  Like I’m being swept away by nothingness and an abundance of emotions all at the same time.

I always find myself back in this spot.  Caring when others tell me not to.  Caring and expecting when I know nothing is going to change.  So it makes me want to scream and it makes me want to shake people….but I know it won’t make them give a damn about me or my problems.

All I want…all anyone really wants is to be loved.

All I want is to be acknowledged.

All I want is to know that I’m not alone in this world.

All I want is to know that someone cares about me – that someone misses me.

But all I’m left to face is emptiness.  All I’m left to face is people who already have their own lives and not enough space to welcome in another soul.  And I’m left with questions.

I question my worth.

I question my existence.

Am I worth loving?  Am I worth caring about?  Am I worth the breath that I breathe?

If I am, then why doesn’t anyone care and why must I continually walk this path alone?

If I am, then why when I’m hurting and need a kind word – all I get is silence. 

A person can only take loneliness for so long before it consumes them and ruins anything worthwhile. 

It seeps deep into their soul and turns all light black.  It seeps in and suffocates the life that use to be there.  It feels like I’m drowning and trying to desperately gasp for air…the air that will fill my lungs with life once again.

I hate feeling like I’m drowning Every. Single. Month.

I hate feeling like I have to survive Every. Single. Month.

I get tired of trying.

Needing Change

Life feels like such a joke - such a farce.  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is consistent.

Everything I thought was real isn't.  Many of my religious beliefs have come from different religions and paganistic beliefs.  Christmas isn't even on Jesus' birthday. 

The way I grew up isn't even remotely a part of my existence now.  How the hell am I supposed to cope and deal with that??  The farther away I get from those times in my life, the harder life seems to get.  Like I'm trying to make it stand still, but we all know it can't.

So, I turn to what makes me comfortable.  Change.

Everything I've done seems like I've done it for the wrong reason. 

I jumped on the ball to start getting my masters because I felt like it took too long to get my undergrad.  PMDD played a huge role in me having to withdraw early from my first school.  So did trying to deal with feeling like I had no roots.  I'm not been the same since.

I jumped on the ball to go to a Christian college thinking I had to make up for not being able to graduate from the first Christian college.  It's a great school, but I feel like I'm back where I always end up.  Withdrawn from people. 

I deactivated facebook.  Now I'm withdrawn from more people.

When I'm hurting, I withdraw but it never helps.  It just solidifies my fears that people aren't around and they don't care to be around.  I shouldn't generalize like that because there are a very small handful, less than five, that have called and checked in on me.  It should be enough but all those people aren't here.  They are not tangible just like everything else in my life seems.  It all seems fake or dead.

I have ideas of things to change, but it's dependent upon other situations. 

I called my doctor and have another appointment this upcoming Thursday.  I just met with him last Monday.  I just can't shake this.  Everything seems cold and dead to me.  Nothing feel right. 

In light of what my counselor suggested, I'm writing openly and will always end or "sign-off" with something positive.

I'm super excited about buying the rest of everyone Christmas presents.  I've been trying to make a lot of gifts and planning isn't always easy for me, but I've got all the materials needed to get started.  I love creating.  I love seeing ideas become tangible - it's fun and exciting.

Isolation

Any little attempt to be happy is squelched by the reality that is my darkness.

It follows me, it latches on, and it never truly lets go.

It hurts.  This constant pain that is weighing me down.

This constant rejection.

Isolation is my only comfort.  Isolation is my only friend.

It's familiar and safer.

The darkness looms. 

The emptiness grows.

Peace comes in solitude.  Peace comes facing the reality of my darkness.

They don't know.  They can't know.  They will never understand. 

They will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.

Airing my lonely heart out on the sleeves of vulnerability

Crushed by the nonexistence

Torn by the absence

Accepting the detriment

Isolation is my only friend.

In the Darkness

I don't know how much longer I can hang on - to keep doing and being the same. Consistency is necessary for most, but when the constant equals a state of hell...I don't want it to be a part of my life.

I'm tired. It sounds like the boy who cried wolf. I'm always back in this place, engulfed by the darkness. But as it comes in its consistent way every single month without prevail, it is chipping away at my hope and I'm growing so weary.

I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of caring. I'm out of shape to run this race of life and I want to sit out. I want to be done. I don't see the point of doing the same things over and over. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

I know there are people out there that have it worse off than me and I always feel horrible if I voice my complaint. But I keep it bottled up and then it explodes. Every time it...I...explode, I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and trying to start again. Why start again if it's just going to happen over and over?

Life will go on. People will move on. How do they know...how do I know what a true cry for help is? I don't know if I'm going to choose life or choose to give up. I've fought for so long. I've fought for so long on my own and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying.

I've been looking and searching for some sort of meaning, but I haven't found it. Everything seems so superficial or what society deems acceptable. I don't want to play the universe's game any longer.

Anything that we don't deal with or believe ourselves is usually seen as "weird" or "wrong" or "dangerous". Look how we use to treat left-handed people. Look how we treated any person with a color other than white. Why does everybody have to do it our way? Why can't we accept people for the diversity they bring to the table? Do you realize if we were all the same what a boring world this would be? I refuse to be another consumerist barbie doll. But because I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm left groping for some sense of belonging. I'm left grasping at empty air all because I won't conform. But I can't because I don't belong anywhere. I'm not fully American and I'm not fully the other countries I lived in. Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? I've searched for some sort of identity, but I come up empty-handed every time.

If a choice is made, what amount of medication is going to truly change that? All it will do is make the person a vegetable; an empty shell moving through the motions dictated by the medical professionals of it's culture. That's not a way to live. I've been there and done that. Counselors have manipulated my memories and treated me like a machine instead of a living, breathing, emotive human being. Medication has made me into a monster, taken away my sanity, erased my memories. Why would I look to that again for help?

God...I don't know where He is. We, as Christians, are supposed to be His example on Earth. However, I've been ripped apart by fellow Christians. I've been scolded, chastised, reprimanded, accused of being demon-possessed. Is it inhuman to question God? Is it inhuman to want to know where He is, what He's doing? I don't go to church anymore because I feel it is a clique. It is another minority culture within the bigger American culture and if you don't do and say things just the way they think you should, you are ostracized.


Maybe my moods will shift tomorrow and it will all be better, but it hasn't yet. I've steadily been feeling like this now for almost 3 weeks and due to PMDD time - I'm sinking deeper into the darkness. When is it too far? When is it too late? But that's not really your concern, is it? Life will go on with or without me. Life will go on and maybe one day I'll find the light and be at peace, but right now I'm wandering aimlessly through the darkness.

My Wishy-Washy Ways

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks. I could probably blame the majority of it on being utterly exhausted, but I'm feeling a lot of uneasiness in the sense of belonging. I recognize my emotional state becomes very sensitive when faced with stress, not enough sleep, and eating the wrong kinds of foods (ie too much sugar and/or caffeine). Most people can handle being out of their routine for a little while before it affecting them, but I'm affected in a major way.

I haven't felt this down and out in quite some time. In fact, I haven't had such a jolt in my mood that wasn't premenstrual since being on medication. It's disturbing enough to question your worth and existence for a day or two and tell yourself it'll be over with and you'll be back to "normal" in a couple of days. That's a monthly occurrence. But to feel estranged, sad, indifferent, and hopeless for almost two weeks straight is disheartening.

I wonder where the line is drawn. Is it because I've been out of my routine? Is it hormone related? Is it TCK syndrome rearing it's head making me feel I'll never be accepted in my current culture? Or is it a combination?

I've always been wishy washy and I've always questioned things. Lately, I've been questioning a lot more. Why do I believe in what I do? Where is God? Why do we follow tradition? Because it's what society tells us to do? What if we get out of sync with society...will we ever be accepted and able to function on our own without peer approval? Or is it so engrained within us to have the acceptance of others? To belong to something. To have an identity somewhere. What if you don't fit in anywhere? You've been completely alienated. Do you quit questioning, conform, and just exist to get by? Or do you make a new path?

I feel like I don't belong. This isn't new. It's become a lot more prevalent and in my face than I would like to endure, but it's a truth. So I can continue to be upset or I can accept the facts and learn from it. I can accept what God has given me and make something out of it. I can accept that I will struggle on a monthly basis because of PMDD and learn to help others. I can accept that not everyone I meet will like me or accept me, but I can still be kind to them and shower them with love and acceptance. I can learn to make a new path.

Despite my wishy-washiness, I just have to believe there is a reason for all of this. I just have to believe that good will come from all of this. I have to keep fighting. I have to keep enduring. I don't know why, but this isn't over yet.

All I do is ask Why

I had an episode last night. Yes, a full blown panicky PMDD episode. I tried to contain it. I was exhausted and I just wanted to lay my head down to rest - to get some sleep. But it overcomes me. The sadness, the fear. I cover my ears and I just start screaming and crying. I can't breathe. I can't escape. I try to calm myself down in my mind, but its no use when you're in the midst of the storm.

And all I can do is ask why.

Why did I lose so much of my life. Why was I put on medication that was wrong for me. Why am I still going through this. Why am I not strong enough. Why am I a freak. Why am I acting like this. Why am I not any better. Why?

I cannot move ahead because I want an explanation. I've realized its not because I lost my home or because I lost all my friends at my first college. Of course those things have been difficult to deal with, especially the latter. It's because I don't understand it and I can't rationalize it - most especially when I'm in the middle of it. And I want to know why. I want to know what the purpose of this is. I want to know why so I can move forward.

But what happens if I never know why? Will I always be stuck in the "deer in headlights" surprise mode every time this comes upon me? That's how it feels! I switch from being able to handle things and go through life and deal with stresses to being knocked flat on my face by the pain, the agony, the depression, the emotions, and the thoughts.

And I'm tired. Because I WANT to move ahead. I'm not even angry at the moment that when I've reached out for help people turn the other way. I've gotten use to people not understanding. Doctors still don't really understand. It seems so easy to say here take birth control. Or here take an anti-depressant. Those things make it WORSE! Yes WORSE than what I'm dealing with now.

And because I ask why, I am stuck. I want help. I want people to know this is real. This is not pretend or in my head or an outburst for attention. There are other women suffering just as much as I am! But they may be keeping quiet because they don't know why they act this way either. They are scared. I'm scared, too.

PMDD causes shame and confusion. It causes us to withdraw. It causes heartache and ruins relationships. It causes people to turn their back on you because they don't understand. We don't always understand either! We are not crazy. It's a hormonal imbalance that wrecks havoc on our lives. It is miserable. And there is only so much one person can do.

I don't know why. I don't know if I'll ever know why. But I still ask it every single day.

So close, yet so far

I'm doing everything within my power not to give up for good at this point. It may not seem like it, but I've been fighting so hard lately. I am SO sad its ridiculous. I don't feel like anyone understands.

I wish more than anything I could have energy. I wish more than anything I could find the positive in everything. I wish more than anything I could hold normal conversations with people and not think I'm doing something wrong or over analyze what they're thinking about me. I wish I could just be happy.

My problems seem so petty and insignificant compared to others. So, I doubt my issues and I doubt my sadness and I make things worse because I tell myself to be quiet and then I carry it around for several more months or years.

When I feel like this, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. I can't tell if its actually the PMDD or if I'm just a sorry loser. My self-esteem goes to the crapper and I can't handle ANYTHING! I doubt that I'm capable of anything good.

I'm so close to graduation, but I have this incessant fear in the back of my mind telling me that I'm so close, but I'm not going to make it. That's where I'm at right now. I don't feel like I'm going to make it. I keep telling myself to plug along - to keep going - to keep trying - to keep hoping - to keep praying - to keep seeking - to keep trusting - to keep believing.

My bad days aren't like the "typical" bad days. My bad days are trying to encourage myself that my life is worth living. That it feels good to breath. That things are not always what they seem. I'm so scared that this wretched disorder is going to ruin my life - my mind - for good and I won't be able to encourage myself or anyone else ever again.

I'm hurting so much and I don't know what to do to make it stop. I don't know where to go and I don't know how this is going to be OK. I feel so close to everything, but so far away.

----edit-----

This song has been stuck in my head all day and its what's getting me through right now. I hope it speaks to your heart like its doing mine.

When I can't....I hope

I'm agitated and angry today. I care but could care less. I want people around but want to push everyone away. Opposites are the epitome of my life or so it seems in this moment! I want to scream and I want to cry. I'm incredibly insecure, but I still want to conquer the world.

I'm trying so hard to push past this negative cloud that seems to follow me around. I try to fill my life with goodness and positive quotes. I try to bask in what little sunshine there is up here in the great white north. I try and try and try some more. My moods seem to take on the manifestation of the weather outside. When Mother Nature cries, I cry. When she's bright and chipper, I'm right by her side skipping along the way. When she is dark and dreary, I feel the same.

I want to be left alone, but I want a hug. I want to fit in but I want to be an individual. There is this constant balancing act of what to do, what to say. Did I say too much? Did I say too little? Did I say something too stupid? Am I acting stupid? Then comes the self monologue of screaming at myself to shut up!!! Stop whining. Stop complaining! Stop the madness! Yes, its true. I annoy the crap out of myself. It's like there are two people inside of me. One who is this little imp of an insecure baby and one who is a nasty, mean, vicious, snarling creature. They butt heads constantly and I'm left in the middle with this immense feeling of confusion!

In amongst all these crazed feelings, I deal with being a chameleon. Most TCK's are very good at this suit. We observe the situation, take in who it is we are around and mold ourselves carefully into our surroundings so to fit in. You have to when you're surrounded by different cultures and people. I don't necessarily see this as a "bad" thing. However, I feel like I don't know who the heck I am anymore. I know this change or adaptation is on the surface, but where am I down deep inside? And do I even want to know? I don't think I like this person that has been hiding away for so long. So much crap and goop I haven't dealt with. So much anger and hurt that's been sitting, festering, and growing.

I get confused about who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I have very few strong opinions about things and it seems the people I'm surrounded with in the place I'm at now ALL have strong opinions about EVERYTHING and there is something wrong with me if I'm not like them! I can't constantly try to appease everyone, but when I stop blending, it appears people don't want to be around me anymore. Then I'm back to this cycle of well if I'm withdrawing, that means people are going to withdraw from me.

I hate it!!! I hate me sometimes! I hate that I can't just be happy all of the time. I hate that I can't take the kindness and love I so desperately want to shower on others and shower a little on me. It's aggravating and frustrating and I'm angry at myself for not being able to move. I move a little and then get stuck. I wallow and get myself stuck even more. So I sit down because I grow weary.

I cling to the three things I know make up my identity. PMDD, being a TCK, and being a Christian. However, I still feel like I'm not fully accepted with any three of these things. I just so desperately want to be accepted. Not a freak. Not a failure. Just a well-adjusted person trying to get through life and hopefully making a difference.

I can and I can't. I will and I won't. I am and I'm not. I'm here but want to be there. I'm there and want to be somewhere else. Constantly and consistently the same. Wishy-washy. Mulled over by the simplest things. My feet aren't planted in rich soil, but instead this muck and I'm suck and I can't grow or move. I think I'd like to grow, but then I don't want to be rooted because I want to go. But with no roots, I have no real depth. So all this junk is out here on the surface. I'm just aggravated and wanting to throw in the towel.