Out of Step

I've always been one that enjoys change.  I like newness and something to look forward to.  Some people are really scared of change.  I admit, lots of change in a little amount of time can be incredibly overwhelming.  I think I did well with change when I was younger because I had constants in my life - my family unit and my religious beliefs.

Since coming back to my passport country, I've questioned both of my constants.  It's natural to progress away from your original family unit and it's healthy to question why you believe what you believe.  It's all a part of growing and maturing.  I didn't realize how important those two components were, though.  I continually search to have the life I use to have when I lived abroad and I just don't think that's going to happen.  I relied heavily on my constants to keep me afloat when things in my life changed.  So much of my identity was wrapped up in who my parents and friends saw and thought of me.  Now that I'm not around them, I feel peeled away and vulnerable and I especially feel like I'm not grounded at all. 

I think the reason I've had a difficult and prolonged time transitioning is because I didn't have time to truly dissect why I was going through all the anxiety and fear when I was first diagnosed with PMDD.  I was in the midst of the depression and I was just trying to survive.

Depression causes you to withdraw and push everyone away.  I've moved multiple times since living in the States and in doing that, I've nixed a lot of opportunities to have a support system.  I still have support - it's just the people I care most about are scattered all over the place. 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching, like I usually do, and I've tried to remember what makes me happy.  I'm happy when I'm helping others. I'm happy when I have newness and something to look forward to in my life.  My issue, though, is I'm expecting for others to understand and accept me now - the depressed, scared, vulnerable, identity-less me.  I've been looking for someone to seek me out and help me.  And that just isn't happening. 

Previously, I refused to become a chameleon because I felt I wasn't being true to myself.  I use to be really good at being a chameleon.  That's how I fit wherever I went.  That's how I fit when I met new people.  It's a great TCK trait.  But for whatever reason, I thought that trait was a negative.  The question that keeps popping up in my mind is - if it was such a bad trait, then why did I have so many friends?  Since I'm not using that technique anymore, I have little to no friends.  Makes a person think....

As stated previously, growing up, I was incredibly reliant on my family and friends to help mold my identity.  I don't see that as a bad thing, if anything the community I lived in was incredibly collectivistic.  Now, living in an individualist society, it's hard to fit in anywhere.  Everyone already has their family and friends.  It's difficult to make new friends when you live in a place where nobody ever really moves.  I'm trying, though. 

I often feel like these fish.  I exist in the world with other people, but it's like I live in an entirely different bowl, looking and longing to "be" in the same bowl as others. 

I guess where I'm at now is trying to decide if I want to continue to feel disconnected from my current state of being or if I want to do what I need to do to jive with the society I'm in.  I'm realizing more and more that my issues with PMDD and being a TCK are connected.  I'm trying really hard to find ways to flourish and truly live life instead of just surviving and constantly feeling out of step with everyone else.  What do you do to help yourself not feel so out of step?  Or do you ever feel out of step with others?   

Try Again

Closing yourself off.  Withdrawing from others.  Isolation.  All of these things come naturally when you're dealing with depression....but they're detrimental to any person's well being.

I've got a double whammy dealing with PMDD and also the cultural differences that come from being a TCK.  Both of these issues have made it difficult to thrive and exist happily in society. 

PMDD causes a woman to feel she is going crazy every month.  It makes her feel like nobody understands her - like she has no control over her thoughts and/or actions.  Because I didn't often understand my own moods, how could I expect anyone else too.  I became embarrassed and closed myself off from the rest of the world.

Being a TCK in my passport country has caused me a lot of heartache because I feel people are so segregated in the US.  A good majority of people don't know how to welcome newcomers and/or transplants.  Therefore, it's easy for a TCK to become isolated even if we have skills to jump into a new place.  I never had as difficult a time moving to different countries (granted, I only moved twice abroad) because there were always others in a similar situation that I was.  People were willing to open up their hearts to a newcomer and in turn, I did the same when I met newbies.  Here in the US, in my passport country, it seems there are a new set of rules that I haven't been privy too and I feel vulnerable and caught off guard so much of the time.  I feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be my home. 

Because of these two issues, it has been easy for me to close myself off from the rest of the world.  It has been easy to say, nobody gets me - who cares - what's the point.  There is a point, though.  And no matter how lonely it gets - no matter how hard it gets, you are not alone.

I was so hurt when I initially came back to the states, that I closed myself off from wanting to participate in everyday society.  I did what I needed to do to survive.  I got up every morning, went to my job, interacted if I had to, came home and stayed home.  This sort of living was not the person I was when I lived overseas.  I was very active in the community, always looking for something to get involved in.

I was a candy striper (volunteered at the hospital), I was in cross-country, I was in drama and plays, I was very active in music, I was our high school mascot, I was a bagger at the base commissary for three years (I would always sing to my customers at Christmas time to get better tips.  I don't know if they were paying me because they liked it or to get me to stop...haha!), I tutored, I babysat, I was involved in FBLA, NHS, my high school committee.  I took piano lessons from Gustaf and we often had recitals.  I always had something going on.  I felt apart of the community and that my life was a contribution rather than a nuisance or not worth anything.

Somewhere between dealing with the hardships of acclimating to the States and the onset of PMDD, I lost all grasp on the world that I knew.  It has felt like I've been falling down a black hole for a very long time.

I'm tired of closing myself off, though.  I'm tired of not believing in the person that I am because others don't understand me.  I'm tired of becoming defensive and hurt.  I'm tired being bored out of my mind because I've closed myself off to the possibilities of what could be.

Yes, I'm still incredibly sensitive to the fact that when I go to the gym, because I'm not there with other people from work or friends, the other people don't talk or interact with me.  But I'm an extrovert for crying out loud.  I'm going to weasel my way into people's lives because this other way that I've been living the past 9-10 years hasn't been working! 

I would just encourage other women with PMDD and others that are TCKs, don't close yourselves off.  I know there is a chance that you may get hurt and it's frustrating when you feel you're not understood or don't belong.  Just don't stop trying.  Stand up, brush yourself off, and try again.     

Stressed

Surprise, surprise.  I’m having a difficult time – yet again.  I don’t know if the difficult times every truly subside for me or I’m just able to focus on something else long enough to distract me from the pain that lingers inside due to feeling lost and displaced.

These past couples of weeks have been hard.  Mix that in with the fact that it is my PMDD time and women with PMDD should try really hard to relieve what stress they have in their lives.  I didn’t get much of a chance to do that.

We had a fire at our house on April 16^th.  Not too much damage was done, but the smoke was horrible inside the house and wasn’t livable.  We moved in with the in-laws for a bit and then decided to move into a hotel.  It was nice at first.  We were able to go down to the pool whenever we wanted (except on the days when they were having a cheer competition and little girls infested the entire place!!).  They have a really nice continental breakfast.  It kind of reminded me of all the summers of traveling. 

Then I had my interview for transferring to a new graduate school.  I can never gauge those things and I’ve never participated in a group interview before.  It was really intimidating and even more so when several of the students interviewing already go to the school.  I left an hour early from work to give myself ample time to grab some lunch and then find a parking spot.  I ate crap from KFC, which was all carbs and didn’t help anything (but what’s new, the hubby and I have been eating out a lot since the fire since we don’t have a kitchen and have a teeny tiny little refrigerator).  Then I was trying to find a parking space and I pulled up to go into a deck until I realized you had to have a student pass.  Well, obviously I didn’t and needed to back out.  There was a car that had pulled in behind me and I signaled for her to let me out.  She started flailing in the car and flicking me off.  I stopped traffic to back out.  I did that AGAIN in another parking area.  I called the graduate office to help me out and the student worker started spouting off road names and I was like, look – I don’t know this area at all.  Finally, I just parked in the faculty parking lot.  It was the only one that didn’t have a little gate down.  By that point, I didn’t care if I got ticketed.  I got up to the interview a MINUTE before it started at noon.  It was so nerve racking.

I think I did ok.

I just don’t know.  I have such a lack of confidence in myself.  The main reason I wanted to transfer is so that I could have a connection and an opportunity to network with people.  But the problem with changing something YET AGAIN, is having to start new and fresh.  Explaining yourself and your story all over again.  And every time I explain that I’m not from here, I get awkward silence and people’s body language tend to withdraw from me.  I don’t know if they think I’m better than them…but that couldn’t be further from the truth!  If anything, I’m so insecure and want people to know that I’m open and accepting, but because of the way I grew up, I’m shunned.  But yet if I don’t mention that, I get looked at weird because I’m not from here.  Just like I was expected to know the streets down town where I was trying to find a parking spot!  It’s such a catch-22 and it gets exhausting.

And this is why I feel defeated all the time.  This is why I feel lost and like a loser.  This is why I get fed up and want to sleep all the time.  I feel like if I was plucked from the face of this earth, it wouldn’t change the picture at all. 

It’s so easy for others to say, take medication and be better.  Guess what, I do take medication and it doesn’t take away the pain and reality that I feel like a misfit in society.

It’s so easy for others to say, go see a counselor and have them solve all your problems.  I’ve been to multiple counselors over the years who just don’t seem to understand that I struggle with cultural and identity issues along with hormonal issues that magnify these existing problems on a monthly basis. 

All I can do, sometimes, is get my thoughts and feelings out into the open.  I don’t know if it changes a single thing.  I don’t even think it helps me anymore.  But it’s the one thing I have left to do to keep my sanity.

Living vs Existing

Gah!  I have so many things I'm trying to decide what to do.  I've FINALLY figured out that I want to go into international education in higher education.  I'm looking to transfer to YSU and hoping if I get accepted that I'll be able to volunteer in the international department or at least get involved with the community somehow.

That's another thing I've been looking into.  I need to get involved in something.  I was volunteering for Reading for the Blind for a while.  I'm not really sure why I stopped.  I started to look on the Valley's website for more volunteer opportunities.  I know a big part of my problems stem from not feeling or being connected. 

Thinking back, I felt it was wise for us to move up to Ohio.  But by leaving and going to a new place, we had to get acclimated all over again.  Maybe my husband didn't because he grew up here, but I think he still had some adjustment issues.  We all do when we leave a place we call home and then try to come back to it.  It never really is the same.  We don't notice when we stay because we mold and change with the place.  It's only noticable when you leave.

Living up here for four years, we've been going to school and working.  And that's about it.  I'm so ready to do something new with my life....something different.  Obviously, having a job is a means of necessity.  Can't change that.  I have obligations now.  I have a family and a house.  We don't have children YET, but they'll eventually come along too. 

I need to find a way to appreciate and thrive in my life now instead of wishing it could be different.  The realizations I've come to about being a TCK have been refreshing and enlightening.  It's taken me a long time.  The realizations I'm coming to about PMDD are still coming into focus, and that's OK because it's a balancing act.  Now, it's time to take all of this information, accept it for what it is, and live my life.  I've been existing for so long.  Existing and living are two very different things.

It's all a matter of perspective and while my perspective is positive, I want to take full advantage of that!

PMDD and Acculturation

I was looking through academic journals for articles about PMDD and I ran across one out of the Journal of Affective Disorders out of SciVerse on Science Direct.  The article spoke to me specifically because it was about PMDD and acculturation.  Now, the article was specific to ethnic women of minority status being acculturated in American culture.  While I am not of a minority ethnic background, being a TCK makes me feel like a minority or like an immigrant in my passport culture.  The summary of the abstract explained that “the stressors that are associated with the ethnic minority life in America – discrimination, poverty, pressures to assimilate, etc. – may contribute to ethnic minority women’s vulnerability to PMDD” (Corey et al., 2011).

I have not dealt with poverty, except the lifestyle that a poor college student deals with, but discrimination and pressure to assimilate are issues that I’ve been dealing with since I moved back to the U.S.  I’m discriminated and pressured against to assimilate because I’m an American and I should know current pop culture and should dress appropriately for whatever subsection of the U.S. I’m in.  American culture, specifically for women, is latent with sexual images.  Women are taught from a young age, usually subconsciously, that we are sex idols.  We are to dress sexy, act sexy, be sexy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a partial feminist deep down inside, but I believe there is more to a woman than her body.  Women have been suppressed for decades upon decades.  We’ve made great strides, but take a look in a magazine sometime.  How are women in the ads depicted?  Sexy?  Being chased by something mysterious?  A young/younger girl-type picture?  This is another issue for another time.  My point is, I did not fit into the American culture in many ways when I moved back.

I grew up in Bahrain and the Azores.  Bahrain is a country that is very different from the United States and women do not have the same rights or freedoms they do here.  Many of my friends wore abayahs and when I turned 12, I could no longer where short-sleeve shirts.  That was the culture I was surrounded by.  I was convinced that wearing spaghetti strapped shirts was wrong because it showed off my bra straps.  So, ultimately, I was showing off my underwear!  This may sound absolutely ludicrous to some, but this was my reality.

When we moved to the Azores, I was not permitted to go and socialize in the clubs or discos.  If I had, maybe I would have been introduced to a more liberal way of life.  I understand why my parents wanted to keep me from that lifestyle.  A lot of it had to do with their Christian values.

So, I thought it appropriate to go to a Christian school when I graduated high school.  The problem is, just because we had faith in common….it wasn’t enough.  I still did not fit in with my peers.  For all intense purposes, I was a nerd and I didn’t think I would have to conform.  I was accepted in the other places that I lived even though I was different in many aspects from my friends.   

I’ve heard so often that your true friends will appreciate you and accept for who you are and if they don’t, then they’re not your friends.  That’s great when you’ve had several years to acclimate to a location or the time to develop relationships over an extended period of time.  However, moving away to college is a time in your life that you make new friends.  I made friends, but then I lost them because of PMDD.  So, in many ways I am like the ethnic minorities. 

The article also discussed that "foreign-born ethnic minorities have a mental health advantage over  US-born ethnic minorities that is attributable to certain protective factors engendered by immigrants' attachment to their country and culture of origin.  Research links these culturally-specific protective factors, namely strong social support networks, family cohesion, and religiosity, to positive mental health outcomes among minority populations".

So, I did fine when I was an "immigrant" or "expat" living overseas because I did have what the researchers were discussing.  I had a close support network with my parents, as well as other school teachers and their kids, and I had a strong religious background.  The article does not discuss anything related to immigrants moving back to their homelands but discusses that the US born minorities have a more difficult time because they are expected to assimilate.  I relate to this because I'm expected to be an all-American girl and in a lot of ways I've lost touch with my upbringing due to wanting to fit in.  It's not even remotely fair to say be yourself....there is a need for all people to fit into the bigger picture, to feel a sense of cultural or societal acceptance.  My lifestyle and the aspect of acculturation probably have played a big role in my PMDD. Stress plays a HUGE role in PMDD and can you image the stress that I've dealt with not being able to relate and integrate into the society that is supposed to be my own? 

So, where to go from here?  I’m still figuring that out, but a good start is to find others with whom I have things in common.  It was just an interesting observation.  It makes me feel better to discover these sorts of things.

References

Corey E. Pilver, Stanislav Kasl, Rani Desai, Becca R. Levy, Exposure to American culture is associated with premenstrual dysphoric disorder among ethnic minority women. Journal of Affective Disorders, Volume 130, Issues 1–2, April 2011, Pages 334-341,

Needing Change

Life feels like such a joke - such a farce.  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is consistent.

Everything I thought was real isn't.  Many of my religious beliefs have come from different religions and paganistic beliefs.  Christmas isn't even on Jesus' birthday. 

The way I grew up isn't even remotely a part of my existence now.  How the hell am I supposed to cope and deal with that??  The farther away I get from those times in my life, the harder life seems to get.  Like I'm trying to make it stand still, but we all know it can't.

So, I turn to what makes me comfortable.  Change.

Everything I've done seems like I've done it for the wrong reason. 

I jumped on the ball to start getting my masters because I felt like it took too long to get my undergrad.  PMDD played a huge role in me having to withdraw early from my first school.  So did trying to deal with feeling like I had no roots.  I'm not been the same since.

I jumped on the ball to go to a Christian college thinking I had to make up for not being able to graduate from the first Christian college.  It's a great school, but I feel like I'm back where I always end up.  Withdrawn from people. 

I deactivated facebook.  Now I'm withdrawn from more people.

When I'm hurting, I withdraw but it never helps.  It just solidifies my fears that people aren't around and they don't care to be around.  I shouldn't generalize like that because there are a very small handful, less than five, that have called and checked in on me.  It should be enough but all those people aren't here.  They are not tangible just like everything else in my life seems.  It all seems fake or dead.

I have ideas of things to change, but it's dependent upon other situations. 

I called my doctor and have another appointment this upcoming Thursday.  I just met with him last Monday.  I just can't shake this.  Everything seems cold and dead to me.  Nothing feel right. 

In light of what my counselor suggested, I'm writing openly and will always end or "sign-off" with something positive.

I'm super excited about buying the rest of everyone Christmas presents.  I've been trying to make a lot of gifts and planning isn't always easy for me, but I've got all the materials needed to get started.  I love creating.  I love seeing ideas become tangible - it's fun and exciting.

In the Darkness

I don't know how much longer I can hang on - to keep doing and being the same. Consistency is necessary for most, but when the constant equals a state of hell...I don't want it to be a part of my life.

I'm tired. It sounds like the boy who cried wolf. I'm always back in this place, engulfed by the darkness. But as it comes in its consistent way every single month without prevail, it is chipping away at my hope and I'm growing so weary.

I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of caring. I'm out of shape to run this race of life and I want to sit out. I want to be done. I don't see the point of doing the same things over and over. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

I know there are people out there that have it worse off than me and I always feel horrible if I voice my complaint. But I keep it bottled up and then it explodes. Every time it...I...explode, I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and trying to start again. Why start again if it's just going to happen over and over?

Life will go on. People will move on. How do they know...how do I know what a true cry for help is? I don't know if I'm going to choose life or choose to give up. I've fought for so long. I've fought for so long on my own and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying.

I've been looking and searching for some sort of meaning, but I haven't found it. Everything seems so superficial or what society deems acceptable. I don't want to play the universe's game any longer.

Anything that we don't deal with or believe ourselves is usually seen as "weird" or "wrong" or "dangerous". Look how we use to treat left-handed people. Look how we treated any person with a color other than white. Why does everybody have to do it our way? Why can't we accept people for the diversity they bring to the table? Do you realize if we were all the same what a boring world this would be? I refuse to be another consumerist barbie doll. But because I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm left groping for some sense of belonging. I'm left grasping at empty air all because I won't conform. But I can't because I don't belong anywhere. I'm not fully American and I'm not fully the other countries I lived in. Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? I've searched for some sort of identity, but I come up empty-handed every time.

If a choice is made, what amount of medication is going to truly change that? All it will do is make the person a vegetable; an empty shell moving through the motions dictated by the medical professionals of it's culture. That's not a way to live. I've been there and done that. Counselors have manipulated my memories and treated me like a machine instead of a living, breathing, emotive human being. Medication has made me into a monster, taken away my sanity, erased my memories. Why would I look to that again for help?

God...I don't know where He is. We, as Christians, are supposed to be His example on Earth. However, I've been ripped apart by fellow Christians. I've been scolded, chastised, reprimanded, accused of being demon-possessed. Is it inhuman to question God? Is it inhuman to want to know where He is, what He's doing? I don't go to church anymore because I feel it is a clique. It is another minority culture within the bigger American culture and if you don't do and say things just the way they think you should, you are ostracized.


Maybe my moods will shift tomorrow and it will all be better, but it hasn't yet. I've steadily been feeling like this now for almost 3 weeks and due to PMDD time - I'm sinking deeper into the darkness. When is it too far? When is it too late? But that's not really your concern, is it? Life will go on with or without me. Life will go on and maybe one day I'll find the light and be at peace, but right now I'm wandering aimlessly through the darkness.

My Wishy-Washy Ways

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks. I could probably blame the majority of it on being utterly exhausted, but I'm feeling a lot of uneasiness in the sense of belonging. I recognize my emotional state becomes very sensitive when faced with stress, not enough sleep, and eating the wrong kinds of foods (ie too much sugar and/or caffeine). Most people can handle being out of their routine for a little while before it affecting them, but I'm affected in a major way.

I haven't felt this down and out in quite some time. In fact, I haven't had such a jolt in my mood that wasn't premenstrual since being on medication. It's disturbing enough to question your worth and existence for a day or two and tell yourself it'll be over with and you'll be back to "normal" in a couple of days. That's a monthly occurrence. But to feel estranged, sad, indifferent, and hopeless for almost two weeks straight is disheartening.

I wonder where the line is drawn. Is it because I've been out of my routine? Is it hormone related? Is it TCK syndrome rearing it's head making me feel I'll never be accepted in my current culture? Or is it a combination?

I've always been wishy washy and I've always questioned things. Lately, I've been questioning a lot more. Why do I believe in what I do? Where is God? Why do we follow tradition? Because it's what society tells us to do? What if we get out of sync with society...will we ever be accepted and able to function on our own without peer approval? Or is it so engrained within us to have the acceptance of others? To belong to something. To have an identity somewhere. What if you don't fit in anywhere? You've been completely alienated. Do you quit questioning, conform, and just exist to get by? Or do you make a new path?

I feel like I don't belong. This isn't new. It's become a lot more prevalent and in my face than I would like to endure, but it's a truth. So I can continue to be upset or I can accept the facts and learn from it. I can accept what God has given me and make something out of it. I can accept that I will struggle on a monthly basis because of PMDD and learn to help others. I can accept that not everyone I meet will like me or accept me, but I can still be kind to them and shower them with love and acceptance. I can learn to make a new path.

Despite my wishy-washiness, I just have to believe there is a reason for all of this. I just have to believe that good will come from all of this. I have to keep fighting. I have to keep enduring. I don't know why, but this isn't over yet.