Seeds of Hope

I recently have encountered some friends who are going through a difficult time.  I myself have been going through a difficult time the past several years...just take a look back through this blog and you'll see plenty of ups and downs. 

What I've come to realize is this world is not without hardships, trials, and tribulations.  There have been many times...MANY...that I've wanted to give up and felt there was no reason to keep going.  Whether that was to give up on a dream, a vision, a relationship, or even give up on my own life.

There are a couple of things I've learned so far on my short journey and I would like to share three thoughts with you through the analogy of a flower.

1. As a young seedling, a flower begins its growth process in the dark, by itself.  Somehow, it is programmed to find the light; to find the sun. During this process, it bumps into rocks and other plant that may be struggling to survive and utilize the nourishment that it has been provided with. 

At this point, the plant could just stop since there are already other plants and rocks in its way...but it doesn't.  You want to know why?  Because it was created with a greater purpose.  To find the light. The rocks peel back the young seedlings shell and reveals the start of a vulnerable stalk.  The rock draws moisture and once the flowers roots have been revealed, the rock has become a life support by supplying water.  The other obstacles in the soil begin to strengthen and mold the developing flower.

The rocks.  The other plants.  The darkness...it is all a natural part of life.  It is there to aid in the growth of the flower.  Just like the obstacles in our lives.  Keep in mind, these obstacles are only there to nurture.  They are not there to define.  They are there to help us grow and help us become strong as we continue on our journeys.  We have already been created with our purpose.  If you don't know what it is yet.  Keep striving.  Keep dreaming.  Your dreams often know your deepest parts better than you understand.  Keep reaching for the light.  Keep seeking the light.  (Matthew 6:33)

2. Another way flowers are unique is in the way they interact with other elements in nature.  Flowers rely on and are relied upon by completely different species.  To procreate, flowers utilize bees or the fur of animals to help spread their seed.  In order to fulfill their hunger, certain animals in nature rely on the nourishment from flowers.  It's interesting to know that flowers have the ability to evolve, if need be, and come into harmony with species completely different than it's own. 

As humans, we all are looking out for our own wants and needs and it can be incredibly frustrating when others don't get that or don't want to support us in our interests and goals.  Relationships are about give and take, though.  If we go through life assuming that everybody has to like what we like, has to do what we want when we want....we become overbearing and stifle the potential for growth.  If we fall flat on our faces and allow others who are overbearing to dictate our every move, we stunt our growth, as well.  It's all about balance and knowing that we already have a place in this world.  Don't try and grab more than you deserve, but at the same time don't minimize your potential. (1 Corinthians 12:12-31)

3. We may not always like our circumstances or we may feel that we have no control over what's going on in our lives.  I encourage you to look at the life of a flower.  A dandelion seedling may be carried far away from where it's original roots were.  It may not be surrounded by any other dandelions, but working in harmony and evolving with it's surroundings will allow the flower to grow to it's full potential.

Realize that just as nature comes into harmony, God is in control - we are not.  We never have been.  God created you and knew you in the womb before you were even born. (Psalms 139:13-16).  He knows what your blueprint - your purpose is, even if you're still trying to figure it out.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

Even if you don't know where you're going or why certain things are happening or have happened in your life, please do not give up hope.  Please realize that you are not alone and continue to strive towards the light.  You may never know how much others need you as a part of their functioning world, but you are unique and you are important.  Keep holding on. 

Comfort in the Pain

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (Message)

Oh, what a silly human I am sometimes.  Looking back over the last several years of my life and what a hardship I've been going through, things are just now coming into focus.  All I've ever wanted was to help others.  Then, all of a sudden I'm struck with hardships seen through PMDD and through my identity issues with being a TCK.  I completely closed myself off to others.  I almost lost my faith.  I was very close to throwing off all my belief in God, so frustrated that I have to go through these tough times.  So frustrated that it seems like I haven't gone anywhere since the tough times started.  Mad and angry that God didn't seem to be doing anything for me....that I wasn't being comforted.

As I started to read this wonderful message on "Where Can We Find Comfort" that is part of a series that RBC ministries has put out, something written really struck a chord with me. 

"We may want nothing more than a warm embrace and a reassuring word that will get us back on our feet and back to business as usual.  But Paul's experience of comfort show in some very specific ways that God may not want us to go back to where we were" (Sper, 2005, p. 7)

Honestly that sums up exactly what I've been wanting.  Just some reassurance or a kind word to get me back on my feet and back to where I was comfortable...

But God doesn't always want us to be comfortable.  Comfortable means a provision of physical ease and relaxation.  There are times in our walk with the Lord that we do need to rest and relax, but we shouldn't be in that mode often - otherwise we're not getting anywhere.  We're not growing, we're not changing, we're not being molded into who God wants us to be. 

All these years, I've been looking for ways to put myself back in a place/situation/familiar surrounding that makes me feel safe and comfortable - when maybe God has been trying to stretch me and enable to me to grow and meet the desire of my heart which is to help others.

There has been a lot of research done on how there are many health benefits to helping others - especially for patients with chronic pain and depression.  Here is a great link that discusses this matter.

But, if we look closely, the Bible already discusses what science and research has proven.  Several verses discuss the importance of putting others at the forefront of our preoccupations and to care for each other.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." ~ Romans 12:10

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." ~ Phillipians 2:3

Maybe part of the reason I've gone through hardships other than to change and be molded is so that I can help others in similar situations.  But I can't help others until I accept the comfort and help from the Lord.  And until I do that...I'm not going to move forward and I'm not going to be able to help others.

Maybe another reason I've gone through this season of hardship is to be brought closer to the Lord.  It didn't appear that way for the last several years.  In fact, I would almost say that it pushed me away from my faith...

But that is because I was relying on others to make me better.  I was relying on others to comfort me.  I was relying on the strength of myself (which I didn't often have) to pull me through. 

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" ~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Sometimes we have to get to the end of our rope to realize that we have never truly been alone. We have to have things taken away from us to realize the ONE thing that truly does matter. And to learn that no matter what sort of storm we go through, we have our ever-loving God right next to our side.

Try Again

Closing yourself off.  Withdrawing from others.  Isolation.  All of these things come naturally when you're dealing with depression....but they're detrimental to any person's well being.

I've got a double whammy dealing with PMDD and also the cultural differences that come from being a TCK.  Both of these issues have made it difficult to thrive and exist happily in society. 

PMDD causes a woman to feel she is going crazy every month.  It makes her feel like nobody understands her - like she has no control over her thoughts and/or actions.  Because I didn't often understand my own moods, how could I expect anyone else too.  I became embarrassed and closed myself off from the rest of the world.

Being a TCK in my passport country has caused me a lot of heartache because I feel people are so segregated in the US.  A good majority of people don't know how to welcome newcomers and/or transplants.  Therefore, it's easy for a TCK to become isolated even if we have skills to jump into a new place.  I never had as difficult a time moving to different countries (granted, I only moved twice abroad) because there were always others in a similar situation that I was.  People were willing to open up their hearts to a newcomer and in turn, I did the same when I met newbies.  Here in the US, in my passport country, it seems there are a new set of rules that I haven't been privy too and I feel vulnerable and caught off guard so much of the time.  I feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be my home. 

Because of these two issues, it has been easy for me to close myself off from the rest of the world.  It has been easy to say, nobody gets me - who cares - what's the point.  There is a point, though.  And no matter how lonely it gets - no matter how hard it gets, you are not alone.

I was so hurt when I initially came back to the states, that I closed myself off from wanting to participate in everyday society.  I did what I needed to do to survive.  I got up every morning, went to my job, interacted if I had to, came home and stayed home.  This sort of living was not the person I was when I lived overseas.  I was very active in the community, always looking for something to get involved in.

I was a candy striper (volunteered at the hospital), I was in cross-country, I was in drama and plays, I was very active in music, I was our high school mascot, I was a bagger at the base commissary for three years (I would always sing to my customers at Christmas time to get better tips.  I don't know if they were paying me because they liked it or to get me to stop...haha!), I tutored, I babysat, I was involved in FBLA, NHS, my high school committee.  I took piano lessons from Gustaf and we often had recitals.  I always had something going on.  I felt apart of the community and that my life was a contribution rather than a nuisance or not worth anything.

Somewhere between dealing with the hardships of acclimating to the States and the onset of PMDD, I lost all grasp on the world that I knew.  It has felt like I've been falling down a black hole for a very long time.

I'm tired of closing myself off, though.  I'm tired of not believing in the person that I am because others don't understand me.  I'm tired of becoming defensive and hurt.  I'm tired being bored out of my mind because I've closed myself off to the possibilities of what could be.

Yes, I'm still incredibly sensitive to the fact that when I go to the gym, because I'm not there with other people from work or friends, the other people don't talk or interact with me.  But I'm an extrovert for crying out loud.  I'm going to weasel my way into people's lives because this other way that I've been living the past 9-10 years hasn't been working! 

I would just encourage other women with PMDD and others that are TCKs, don't close yourselves off.  I know there is a chance that you may get hurt and it's frustrating when you feel you're not understood or don't belong.  Just don't stop trying.  Stand up, brush yourself off, and try again.     

Unraveling Knots

"And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies' plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger" ~ The Last Battle C.S. Lewis

Far too long I've been believing my life doesn't matter.  Far too long I've forgotten that I'm not in this game of life alone.  I'm still incredibly gun shy, but I believe there is a reason for everything I've endured just as I believe there is a reason we all go through hardships.

A verse that comes to mind over and over again from the time that I was a young Christian is:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~ Galatians 1:10

Man, I'm a bad people pleaser.  Not as bad as I use to be, but it still seems to be an innate trait that won't go away.  I want to be liked and I want others to know that I like them.  I use to try so hard to find SOMETHING good about others even if they annoyed the crap out of me because I desperately didn't want to be rejected.  My altruistic service to others was coated in a fine sense of selfishness.

For whatever reason, every trial in my life has left me alone.  It has left me with little to no support.  It has left me with the sense of rejection and the thought that I have to deal with life all on on my own.

I get so wrapped up in my situation, that I forget the truth...the truth that we're never truly alone.  Even when people hurt you (which inevitably will happen - we're all human and we all make mistakes), God never forsakes us.

Why have I forgotten this truth?  Why have I failed to realize that I'm not alone?

Because the enemy is so crafty.  The enemy has a way of taking bits of truth and twisting them to where the lie seems to be nothing but reality and nothing but absolute truth.  It's like a string that becomes so twisted and manipulated that it's hard to find where the truth begins and where the lie ends.  It becomes a big ol' tangled mess.

My life has felt like a big ol' tangled mess for a really long time.  I've been so focused on this knotted up string of lies in my mind and moods that I forget that God has every capability and want to unravel what my feeble self cannot manage.

I want to learn things fast and want to do them now.  However, unraveling knots takes both time and patience.

Finding Happiness With a Chemical Imbalance

Sometimes, when people have chemical imbalances such as depression and PMDD, it can be difficult to find and maintain happiness.  Step into the shoes of women that deal with PMDD for a moment.  What do we look forward to?  We know that every single month, without doubt, anger, sadness, depression, irritability, among additional physical pains will be popping up to wreck their havoc on us.  Don’t you think that gets tiring?  Absolutely.  The disorder already conjures up depression on a monthly basis, but the cyclic pattern and knowing that it’s coming back around again also contributes to depression and not feeling very happy.  So, what happens is that many women with this disorder develop long-term depression (this is not a scientific fact just knowledge I’m going off of talking and discussing the issue with other women that also deal with PMDD) and feelings of hopelessness and a lot of unhappiness.

So, how can we curb this?  Being that it is a chemical imbalance, some medication may be required.  However, there are other things that an individual can do to help their well-being and mind set.

I had the opportunity to take a class called Happy Talk and two things I’ve learned about finding happiness involves finding “flow” and being “mindful”. 

A lot of research has been done about obtaining happiness.  It is said that happiness is subjective and relative.  Many people think that if they made more money, they would be happier.  That’s not always the case.  Brickman et al. (1978) explains that lottery-winners and people who have recently become quadriplegic don’t see much of a change in their happiness level as one might expect. 

Another bit of research states that people who are more extroverted have a greater chance at happiness (Lucas, 2008).  Also, those who have personality traits such as conscientiousness, agreeableness, self-esteem, and optimism warrants the ability to basically be happier than those that are introverted or without the traits just mentioned (Lucas and Diener, 2008).

Ok, so what happens if you’re introverted and you may not be optimistic or have the best self-esteem.  Introversion is a personality trait, yes, but there are things that a person can do within their comfort zone to present themselves to a more social atmosphere that an extrovert may encounter.  Find a support group.  Allow yourself the opportunity to tell your story.  Talk with people you trust and if you don’t have any, find some.  If you feel you’re not good with people, there are things you can learn to help you out.  There are social skills that can be learned.  Make sure you start small.  And keep in mind that everyone has a story and many times people just want to be heard and want someone to be interested in them.  You’d be surprised to find out that not everyone is bad or not trustworthy!

So, back to finding “flow” and being “mindful”.  What is flow?

Flow is the state you're in when you are fully engaged in a task that is interesting, challenging, and intrinsically rewarding to you. This is the experience of "losing yourself in the moment" or, as sports players say, "being in the zone." (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990; 1998).  Flow can also be stated as finding your purpose and living out that purpose fully.  The first step to finding flow is to find out what your skills are.  Don’t compare yourself to others, this is about you and what you may be good at not what society, your parents, your teachers, or anyone else expects of you.

With that being said, I’m going to jump back for a moment and make sure that you understand that happiness is often based on expectations, as well (Gilbert, 2008).  By allowing yourself to lower your expectations about certain things, you’ll be allowing yourself the opportunity to experience happiness.

So, how do you obtain flow? 

After you figure out what your skill set is, challenge yourself.  Do something you’re good at but push it to the limit.  Don’t push it too far because you might become discouraged and give up altogether.  If you’re in a job that is boring or that you don’t like – consider getting another job.  If that is not feasible, challenge yourself in your job.  Make your own goals.  Make up games.  Make the job interesting.  Only you will truly know how to do that.

What is mindfulness?

 Mindfulness is paying attention to your situation, your actions, and your feelings.  This can take practice, too.  It means to slow down in the business that we can often get caught up in.  It means not allowing consumerism to take over our lives because now you know, these things ultimately won’t bring you happiness.

It’s about finding others, interacting with others, finding something you can get lost in the moment with and being mindful of yourself and your situation.  I’m going to give these things a try.  If you’ve had experience with any of this, I would love to hear your feedback!

References

Brickman, Coates, & Janoff-Bulman (1978). Lottery winners and accident victims: Is happiness relative? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36: 917-927.

Csikszentmihalyi (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York: Harper and Row.

Csikszentmihalyi (1998). Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement With Everyday Life. Basic Books.

Gilbert (2006). Stumbling on happiness. New York: Knopf.

Peace

The same word has been popping up all over the place.  Peace.

I hear it in the Christmas music.  Peace on Earth.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace. 

I hear it in country music (that I'm forced to listen to - not by my own accord!)  Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.

I read in my devotion last night.

Peace is something I've been searching for for a long time.  What does it mean to be at peace?  What does this peace feel like?

I've been carrying around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years.  I've been carrying around burdens that are not my own.  I've been carrying around things that I long told God I would give to Him - that He's asked me to give to Him.

So many people in this world are hurting from so many different things.  Many people don't feel like anyone gives a crap about them, that no one cares to know who they are or what they have to offer. 

What does peace have to do with that?  I'm not sure.  I'm still trying to put all these thoughts and feelings together.

Dealing with PMDD has not allowed many peaceful times.  It feels like I'm always picking up broken pieces - pieces that I've broken, pieces of my heart, pieces from shattered relationships.  No time to truly mend and heal.  No time to bask in peace. 

I still don't know what it looks like.  I don't know what it feels like.  But I feel like I'm closer than ever to finding out.

The Will and Want to Understand

There is something beautiful and almost sacred when human beings show compassion towards each other.  The simple act of a smile.  The gentle ease of a hug.  The kindness of a listening ear.  We need each other and we need to lift each other up.

Our youth pastor, Rob Bateman, once discussed with me what he's taught his own children "There is enough hatred and hurt in the world.  It won't be like that in my house.  We will love each other and we will be here to support each other."

Those words penetrated deep into my heart and represent that we should not add to the hatred and hurt in the world, but add more love and kindness.

We may not always understand where people are coming from, but the will and want to understand may far outweigh the actual comprehension of what a person is going through.  The fact that another living person is interested enough to try and understand who we are, what we're about, what we like and don't, sharing in our fears and dreams, etc gives a sense of belonging.

There are a lot of people in this world that don't feel they belong.  If they don't act a certain way.  If they don't look a certain way.  If they don't speak a certain way.  Why do we judge?  Because of fear - because most times the unknown is scary.


"Be kind and compassionate towards each other" ~ Ephesians 4:32

"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" ~ Colossians 3:12 

I use to ask myself why I had to go through difficulties with my emotions; why I had to deal with the stigma and embarrassment of a mood disorder because I'm already a super empathetic person by nature.  However, over these past 7 years, I've gained a deeper understanding of the pain others go through - how it feels to be mistreated, judged, disliked, ostracized, let down, and rejected.  By the same token, I have also learned from those experiences how not to treat others and that often times people just want to be acknowledged.  They want others to just TRY and understand where they're coming from.  They want others to TRY and listen without speaking judgement or giving advice.  They want someone to be there.  They want someone to care.  They want to know their life is valuable and has meaning.

We are reminded to feel for others, and to feel deeply:

"Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering" ~ Hebrews 13:3

Here's a secret. You may never understand, but my encouragement is don't stop trying. Don't stop reaching out. Don't stop showering compassion.

Dancing in the Rain

I don't want to add more sadness to the world. I don't want to add more troubles than there already are. I don't want to be a bother or a nuisance. I want to help. I want to heal. But the pain will not subside. Am I lonely because I withdraw or because people genuinely don't want to be around me? This is more than my PMDD. But it started with my PMDD.

It started because I was put on wrong medication. I was misdiagnosed. I went through nasty side-effects. I moved away to regain my strength and my life. But I needed to heal from another wound created on top of dealing with the disorder of PMDD.

I had a "relapse"...that's what I'll call it, however I've never felt suicidal not being on medication...and being in the hospital made me feel like I was starting back at square one. I was re-living all the previous pain, all the previous humiliation, all the previous misunderstanding. The only thing that changed was my level of fear. I wasn't scared. I chose to seek help even though I don't feel I received help. I chose to go to the hospital. I chose to find a doctor. I'm choosing whether or not I want to be on medication. Before I didn't feel I had a choice. I left everything in the hands of strangers. We have a choice. We have the choice to educate ourselves about what is going on. We have a choice to find another doctor if we don't feel they are the right one. We have a choice to live this life to the fullest.

I am miserable right now. I feel continually lost and alone. I know I'm not alone in my journey, but my faith waivers when I've been surrounded by emptiness for years upon years. The edges become blurry and I don't know if my actions are creating reactions or if this is reality. I feel boxed in and suffocated. I want to break free.

Four corners
More corners
Boxed in
Caged

Locked up
Suffocating
Closed in
Ashamed

Looking out
watching reality pass by
The beauty out there
The misery in here
Longing to die

The rain begins to fall
Cool and serene
Look! She's dancing, she's dancing
It's washing her clean

She's living, she's healing
It's so captivating
She's moving, she's thriving
It's so motivating

She stomps
She pounds
She jumps
She spins round and round

How did she get there
Why am I still in here
I want to be

Breaking free
Carelessly
Dancing in the rain

There are always doors
That you may never have seen
Because you were busy looking out the window
Longing for things that could have been

You too can dance in the rain
Dance despite the shame or the pain
Now is your chance to break the chain
Open your door and watch what you'll gain

Your life, your happiness
Your sanity
Your smile, your joy
At last you are free

The answers lie within us. We just have to believe enough in ourselves to realize that the door to unlocking our happiness has been there all along. It is different for each person. Believe. Break the chain. Break the stigma. Know that you are free. You nor I are bound by an illness, or a label, or a circumstance, or a situation. We are so much more. We can dance despite the rain. We can dance in the rain.

Developing Self-Esteem

I had the chance to take a self esteem in leadership class this past semester and I wanted to compile some thoughts of my own along with other sources to create a helpful list for developing one's self-esteem.

Being a person that deals with PMDD and the depression, anxiety, etc that comes with it, I know first hand what low self-esteem looks and feels like. I've "worn" low self-esteem for a very long time and its detrimental. Just like depression, PMDD causes a cyclic feeling of lows. However, it comes much more often than actual depression. With that, its hard to continue to stand on your own two feet and get through the days after being down in the dumps. I know for me, I've asked "why" for so many years and have felt stuck more times than not. I've been hurt many times in my past and a lot of times, low self-esteem is developed from past hurts. We have a tendency to hold onto horrible things and lies that were fed to us at a young age (or perhaps even more recent). Being a woman, we want to be loved, adored, cherished, and feel like we're safe. When those things have been compromised, low self-esteem seems to develop.

Perhaps you were told you were no good or that you would never amount to anything when you were a child. Perhaps you were, at one time or another, in a toxic relationship where you were taken advantage of or just treated like crap. Or perhaps you have an illness/disorder, like I do with PMDD, that causes you to question your worth. Perhaps its a combination of all the above or perhaps your situation is completely different. Whatever your situation is and whatever has caused the low self-esteem, the first step to developing a healthy sense of self is wanting to be in a better state.

I am in no way a doctor or licensed to give advice, but I do have experience living and dealing with a chemical imbalance and have lived through the detriments that it causes. I am trying to live out a positive lifestyle for myself and I hope to pass along the good that comes from it.

The list you will find below has been complied from various places. Some items come from this book, Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem, that was used in the class I took, some come from this website, but a majority come from my own opinions, ideas, and things that I've tried for myself.

• PUT YOU FIRST: This can seem so hard. Often times we put others wants and needs ahead of our own and forget about yours truly. I use to get myself into toxic relationships where I constantly put others before myself all of the time. It became very unbalanced. I was hurting more times than helping them or myself. So my advice, put you first. Nobody knows you like you do. Treat yourself the way you would your best friend or child if they were going through a hard time (or whatever you're feeling/needing at that specific moment in time). Perhaps a little twist in the old golden rule: Do unto yourself as you would do unto others....During my bad week(s), I have to take time out for me. I'm honest with myself and with those around me. Others may not like it or understand it at first, but they will learn if they truly care about you. Try not to let it make you feel guilty. If people around you still make you feel guilty, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Which brings me to my next point...






• GED RID OF THE NEGATIVE IN YOUR LIFE: Whether its a negative relationship, negative friends, negative work environment, negative food/drink, negative talk. Now I'm not saying if its bad just to throw it out. There may be some things that are salvageable, but if its toxic...if its affecting you every day in every way, that's not good and it needs to get out of your life.


A big part of this is negative self-talk. We have this little (or maybe its a big) critic in our head ready to pounce anytime we screw up. Ready to tell you all your failures. Ready to lie to you over and over again. Negative self-talk typically shows itself as a permanent statement. I am so stupid. I am the worst person in the world. Not only is it permanent, it is a generalization. Not just a bad person, but the worst person in the whole world. These are just examples. So how to start to change that...





• REPLACE WITH POSITIVE: The website listed above states that "You can't think two thoughts at the same time. When you are thinking a positive thought about yourself, you can't be thinking a negative one." Well that's reassuring!! So, try to introduce happy, positive words into your everyday language and watch how the start to wiggle their way into your thoughts.
  
  For negative self-talk, try to not use words that are permanent - that sign, seal, and stamp the deal. Try not to use never, can't, won't. Instead, replace with what you are. It may seem silly at first, but try it. For example, I am good. I am loved. I am safe. I am a hard worker. I am a dedicated wife/girlfriend/friend. I am good at telling jokes. Anything else that is positive. It may be small at first because the negative talk has taken such precedence in your life for so long. Be aware that as you try this, the negative self talk will try to overpower the positive...but keep at it because remember, no two thoughts can occupy your mind at the same time!

Another way to replace positive with negative is to think about something that you are so proud of. Maybe the birth of a child. Maybe a praise you got on the job. Maybe an awesome craft you made. Maybe the fact you graduated (that's mine!). Whatever it is, think about it. If possible, display it so you can not only think about it, but you can physically see it manifested. Let it fill you up. Feel the proud. Feel the accomplishment.

Surround yourself with people that like you and treat you well. If you don't have any right now, be patient. Find ways to make new friends if all of yours are toxic. I had to do just that. I lost almost all of my friends, but I realized the majority were toxic. It took some time to develop new ones, but the opportunity will arise...if it doesn't, go to where you can make an opportunity (like a gym).
Read quotes that are inspirational. Discover what makes you feel happy and apply it.

Children are attracted to color and lights; it brings an instant smile to their faces. Tap into your inner child. Find something colorful, sparkly, or that is full of light. Create colors if you want.






• MAKE AFFIRMATION LISTS: This one also comes straight from the website, but I really like the idea. I use to write affirmations on my mirror so that I had to read them when I got out of the shower or when I looked at myself in the mirror in the morning.
  
  Making lists, rereading them often, and rewriting them from time to time will help you to feel better about yourself. If you have a journal, you can write your lists there. If you don't, any piece of paper will do.
  
  Make a list of:
  At least five of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity
  
  At least five things you admire about yourself, for example the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with your brother, or your spirituality
  
  The five greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer
  
  At least 20 accomplishments - they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree
  
  10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, watching children playing on a playground, gazing at a baby's face or at a beautiful flower, or chatting with a friend
  
  10 things you can do to make yourself laugh
  
  10 things you could do to help someone else
  
  10 things that you do that make you feel good about yourself
  

This is just a start to help you develop your self-esteem. Let me know if you've tried any of these techniques or if you have any others to share. I wish you luck and lots of love on this journey.

Optimism versus Hope

Optimism -- "to expect the most favorable outcome"

Optimists and their counterparts, pessimists, are always looking at things, events, situations and perceive them with an either sunny-side up or runny-side down sort of attitude.

You've heard the old adage, "is the glass half-full or half-empty" and the optimist would chime in "half-full!" while the pessimist would lament "half-empty....sigh....". But what happens when there is no water in the glass at all? Or what happens if the glass shatters?

What I'm getting at is that both optimists and pessimists look at life based on facts and their reality. I would absolutely encourage people to have more of an optimistic point of view rather than pessimistic. However, there comes a point in all of our lives when we face harsh realities. Some more than others.

Some deal with chronic sickness. Some deal with the death of loved ones. Some deal with abuse from the past (or even present). Some deal with every day stress. Some deal with feeling absolutely no control over their lives. Whatever it is you have dealt with or still deal with, it is your reality and there are just some things in life we cannot look upon in an optimistic way.

And that is where hope comes into to play.

Optimism is based on the physical evidence. Hope is based on things that are not seen. Hope is faith driven; hope is a desire to want better. Hope is a desire to believe there is better regardless of how the situation actually looks. You can change your attitude and you can change your mindset, but without prefacing hope - optimism will never exist. Or if it does, it will soon tire because this world is full of harsh realities. Even the best optimist will grow weary in their positive outlook without hope.

"Hop" is apart of hope. A hop. A jump. A leap.

Hope is a leap of faith. Without it, despair and depression will take over. With it, we can turn our wants and desires to live a healthy, happy life into reality.

Try just one more time

There are so few days where I feel the courage, strength, motivation,will, or want to keep going on. It's days like these I turn to words of hope and inspiration.

If you're feeling a little weary in your journey today, I hope some or even just one of these quotes will inspire you to keep going - to keep swimming. Because you are so worth it.


When the world says, "Give up,"Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~ Author Unknown


When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn


Consider the postage stamp; its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing until it gets there. ~Josh Billings


For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again. ~Proverbs 24:16


Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson


Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. ~ Thomas Edison


I hope you find strength to keep trying just one more time.

When I can't....I hope

I'm agitated and angry today. I care but could care less. I want people around but want to push everyone away. Opposites are the epitome of my life or so it seems in this moment! I want to scream and I want to cry. I'm incredibly insecure, but I still want to conquer the world.

I'm trying so hard to push past this negative cloud that seems to follow me around. I try to fill my life with goodness and positive quotes. I try to bask in what little sunshine there is up here in the great white north. I try and try and try some more. My moods seem to take on the manifestation of the weather outside. When Mother Nature cries, I cry. When she's bright and chipper, I'm right by her side skipping along the way. When she is dark and dreary, I feel the same.

I want to be left alone, but I want a hug. I want to fit in but I want to be an individual. There is this constant balancing act of what to do, what to say. Did I say too much? Did I say too little? Did I say something too stupid? Am I acting stupid? Then comes the self monologue of screaming at myself to shut up!!! Stop whining. Stop complaining! Stop the madness! Yes, its true. I annoy the crap out of myself. It's like there are two people inside of me. One who is this little imp of an insecure baby and one who is a nasty, mean, vicious, snarling creature. They butt heads constantly and I'm left in the middle with this immense feeling of confusion!

In amongst all these crazed feelings, I deal with being a chameleon. Most TCK's are very good at this suit. We observe the situation, take in who it is we are around and mold ourselves carefully into our surroundings so to fit in. You have to when you're surrounded by different cultures and people. I don't necessarily see this as a "bad" thing. However, I feel like I don't know who the heck I am anymore. I know this change or adaptation is on the surface, but where am I down deep inside? And do I even want to know? I don't think I like this person that has been hiding away for so long. So much crap and goop I haven't dealt with. So much anger and hurt that's been sitting, festering, and growing.

I get confused about who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I have very few strong opinions about things and it seems the people I'm surrounded with in the place I'm at now ALL have strong opinions about EVERYTHING and there is something wrong with me if I'm not like them! I can't constantly try to appease everyone, but when I stop blending, it appears people don't want to be around me anymore. Then I'm back to this cycle of well if I'm withdrawing, that means people are going to withdraw from me.

I hate it!!! I hate me sometimes! I hate that I can't just be happy all of the time. I hate that I can't take the kindness and love I so desperately want to shower on others and shower a little on me. It's aggravating and frustrating and I'm angry at myself for not being able to move. I move a little and then get stuck. I wallow and get myself stuck even more. So I sit down because I grow weary.

I cling to the three things I know make up my identity. PMDD, being a TCK, and being a Christian. However, I still feel like I'm not fully accepted with any three of these things. I just so desperately want to be accepted. Not a freak. Not a failure. Just a well-adjusted person trying to get through life and hopefully making a difference.

I can and I can't. I will and I won't. I am and I'm not. I'm here but want to be there. I'm there and want to be somewhere else. Constantly and consistently the same. Wishy-washy. Mulled over by the simplest things. My feet aren't planted in rich soil, but instead this muck and I'm suck and I can't grow or move. I think I'd like to grow, but then I don't want to be rooted because I want to go. But with no roots, I have no real depth. So all this junk is out here on the surface. I'm just aggravated and wanting to throw in the towel.

A lesson in sailing.

I have this really cool app on my iPhone that is an inspirational app. The author/maker of the app uses themes from nature to inspire, guide and educate! It's pretty cool and has definitely helped me with my quest for positivity.

Well, I was looking through several of the emotions this weekend (don't ask me to tell you what they were because I honestly can't remember) but the same theme kept arising. The app was discussing polarity and how everything in nature wants and needs to find balance. I'm reading along and think I'm getting the gist of it all. However, I came across this first quote:


"In the mysterious mirror, life reflects you to yourself"

I'm not gonna lie, I started to get a little uncomfortable...but I kept going. I started to read about how polarity "actually shows the way energy attracts because of the way it is related". And how "attitudes can be polarized by the tendency to search for and interpret evidence to reinforce what you already believe." Here was the real kicker for me. The quote that said:
"Feeling rejected is a safe escape for your own fear of commitment."

Of course I just got ticked at first! I thought, that's so not true. I was let down by people and they deserted me, not the other way around. I didn't choose to have PMDD and I didn't choose go through all the crap I have gone through. I was mad and I didn't want to read anymore. But then I realized something. No I didn't choose what happened to me, but I have chosen every action there after.

The very first quote mentioned how life is like a mirror reflecting yourself back to you. I often times wonder why I was such a happy teenager and why I had so many great friends. If I look at my life as a mirror reflecting myself back to me, then I can assume that I was being a great friend at the time. Over the last several years, I haven't had many friends at all and perhaps that has been a reflection of my inability to let go. My inability to be warm and open because I was so hurt. My inability to trust and have good conversation. My inability to know how to be a good friend. Instead, the hurt that I was caused calloused me and my withdrawn reaction caused people to withdraw from me.

As a young Christian I found it difficult to understand why people had such a hard time forgiving other people. I often questioned why there was so much bitterness and I vowed that I would never be like that! It just wasn't in my nature! I would never be like the Isrealites going round and round their mountains! And then came my struggles with PMDD. Oh. How naive had I been.

For the first time I'm seeing PMDD in a different light. I'm seeing it as an opportunity to fall swifter and deeper into the arms of God when times of trouble come about. I use to see it as a personal attack. I would shake my fist at God and question what I did to deserve this. Why was this my punishment?! But now I see it as an opportunity to develop my attitude and to find out more about myself; it will be an opportunity to realize that I cannot go through this life without clinging to God. And I know I've said it before, but I believe my pains will hopefully help someone else. I also hope that I will learn how to enjoy life on a deeper level since I experience pain and the torrents of hell on earth.

Attitude will be the sail on my ship. With the right sails, we can catch the wind of goodness and steer in the direction we would like to go.

I may not always have the right attitude, especially when I feel I'm not in my right mind, but I feel I'm going in the right direction and that's a start. :)

Moving forward from my daily struggle

I was really "moved" by the sermon I heard in church yesterday. It just seems like all the puzzle pieces fell into the right place at the right time. Here I have been desperately trying to hold onto my past - onto a better time and place - for the past six years....since I was diagnosed with PMDD and went through a really difficult time and lost everyone that I held near and dear.

But I soon realized that focusing on the past is no help at all, but its hard to see that when you're in the middle of the storm. I have heard so many times not to focus on the past and have heard so many different analogies like the one my husband told me that goes like this:

The past is like a rear view mirror. The present is like a windshield. There are some times and some things that we need to look back on, but we should never get so caught up on looking back that we forget where we are driving, otherwise we might crash. That's why that mirror is much smaller than the windshield.

So, I hear all these good analogies and stories about why not to focus on the past...but why am I stuck here six years later dealing with the same issue? Why do I long for the times that I was happiest? Because I lost something...I lost a lot of somethings and I haven't allowed myself to grieve over those losses. I lost myself. I haven't allowed myself to feel down and genuinely get it out of my system because I fear people will abandon me all over again if I were to act like that. I fear that people will say I don't have enough faith in God like they did before. Therefore its been building up inside of me, but seeping out my every pore. My fear of people leaving hasn't been warded off because this icky stuff is still spilling out onto people even though I'm trying to contain it inside.

It's OK to grieve your losses. This concept is super foreign to me and I can see it manifested by the way I react to the death of loved ones. When my grandpa died two years ago, I hardly shed a tear...not because I wasn't sad. I was immensly sad for my loss and the loss to our family, but I didn't know how to handle loss. Same thing happened when my Uncle passed away and then last year when one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly from Lupis. I miss her more than anything - and I think its because she was so young and her life just starting. But I didn't allow myself to cry. I wanted to several times...but I didn't. It's odd being such an emotional person, yet I won't allow myself to convey emotions in natural settings. So, the emotions sit and build and explode during my PMDD episodes. No wonder they're so extreme and intense. I haven't emptied my cup full of hurt and loss. That hurt and loss is constantly on the brink and nothing good - no life, no love can get inside. So, no matter how much people may try to help or pour into me, it just spills out since my cup is full of everything else.

I told Steve the other day that I don't think I'm a good friend sometimes because I feel that people are just going to leave anyway...so why even try? I wasn't always like this. In fact, growing up the way that I have with people coming in and out of my life every year to two years enabled me to be very open and accepting of new people. However, my experience at college after being diagnosed with a mood disorder and the crazy things that happened while I was on medication probably made people feel very weird around me. I don't blame them, but it still hurts that I don't have that solid connection with friends from that time of my life. Almost five years spent building relationships with people after having to leave my home and moving into being an adult and I am only good friends with one of the many hundreds of people I had developed a relationship with. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish as to want more than that. I don't always mean to be insecure about relationships. I don't always mean to not answer calls. I don't always mean to cancel previous plans. I just haven't emptied my cup...

I have to empty my cup. I have to grieve my losses. I have to learn to cry when I'm not hormonal. I have to learn healthy emotions and that it is OK to feel like this when I'm not going through my monthly storm. I guess since I go through the storm on a regular basis, I don't want to deal with anything else any other time. But I have to go through this process otherwise I will continue down a very long, dark road....and I will go around and around in circles instead of moving straight ahead. I have to learn to take my hand out of the past and only bring with me the memories that are good and valuable to my well-being. I have to turn towards the future now and enjoy the present. I must learn to bloom where I have been planted and realize that even if I'm uprooted again, once I'm re-planted I can learn to connect with others and build strong roots again and again.

What is Happiness made of?

I was talking to Steve last night on our date night and I told him I wanted to make a list of things that make me laugh - things that make me happy. I asked him what are some things that make him laugh. His response was: old people. And not just any type of old people, but those old people that are mumbling curse words under their breath and are just plain crotchety and rough around the edges. Steve loves it! To each his own....I don't know how to handle people like that. In fact, those types of people scare me! Well, not all because my grandpa was a classic version of what makes Steve laugh and I have to admit, Grandpa was hilarious!

He was laughing just telling me about it, which in turn made me laugh. The thing is. I was having a hard time thinking up items that made me laugh. Now, don't get me wrong - laughter is not the only element that comprises happiness, but its a big one in my book.

So, here I am trying to think of happy things and I'm getting upset because I can't really think of anything. I then realized this is an area I want to focus on. I truly want to learn what makes me happy...not what makes other people happy, but what is it deep down inside that satisfies me and makes me laugh out loud.

The turmoils of my PMDD and the swift changes of my moods have made depression, sadness, angst, anger, irritability and all the other things that come with this disorder, the norms in my life. I don't want these things to be the norms. I don't want the painful memories of my past to bog me down. I don't want to be frightened each month that I might go off the deep end and never return. This has been my life and my focus for way too long. I am beginning to understand the intricacies of my disorder and I'm beginning to understand what I need to do to take control of my life. Everyone has to learn what works for them and what does not. This whole depression suit has not worked for me, but it's there. If I can't necessarily take elements away - I can certainly introduce new ones and that's where this list of happiness comes into play.

Happiness is made of what we put into it. It is different for each individual. For me happiness is comprised of laughter and inspiration - of creativity and newness - of light and colors - of beautiful things and beautiful people. And all of these things are simply everywhere if you look for them through the right lenses. Right now, what is making me happy is being able to create and express myself through artistic means.

I've been drawing a lot and I have to make sure my inner monologue is quieted quickly otherwise it will start spouting off "oh that looks like a little kid drew it" or "you know you're not an artist, why are you even attempting to do this?!" I have to tell myself to SHUT UP!!! and then I get lost in drawing. I can go for hours at a time simply consumed with the movement and the colors. It's refreshing and I bet you I'm smiling while doing it. If you go here, you'll see one of my newest drawings. :)

The other thing that I'm having a blast with is Zumba. It's a form of dancing exercise. I love the beat of the music and how I can make my body flow with the rhythm...all while "exercising". I get tingles of happiness whilst I'm doing it! It's fantastic.

I also love to sit down at my piano and just play. I play whatever I feel. I feel whatever I play. I'll close my eyes and let my finger do the bidding; I let my fingers form the music. Does it always come out right or do the chord structures always sound good...heck no...but just having a means to get all of what is inside to come out is probably the best feeling ever.

All of those items are inner, still, quiet elements that make me happy...but still not things that make me laugh. No worries. I'll be putting a list together here in the near future as I seek out the funny in my everyday life. Laugh a little today :)

Hold on

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ~ Romans 8:38-39



I have a lot on my mind today, so please bear with me as I try to sort out my thoughts and feelings.



This verse comes up time and time again in my life. I feel like any time I take a step towards God I get knocked down over and over again. I know this verse, but I feel like my faith is waivering. I feel like everything I once had hope in is being tested and pulled and broken and changed. Nothing is predictable in my life. I don't have the same home. I don't have the same friends - there are a few, but people change, I change. I don't know what my moods are going to be like from day to day. I feel like I'm standing on a tight rope high in the air with the wind blowing 100 mph. Nothing to hold on to but a little piece of string under my feet.



I feel like the devil is trying to turn me against everything and everyone and make me question everything and everyone and become so confused that I don't know which way is up. I feel like that a lot.



He's trying to turn me off to the one promise that I know I can stand on. That nothing will separate me from the love of Jesus.



I am fearful to go to church becuase I was ridiculed when I first starting dealing with PMDD. I was told I was demon-possessed and that I was looking to people to solve my problems. I was told that I just needed to read my bible and that I didn't have enough faith for God to heal me. I go to church and I feel alone - more alone than I do when I'm actually alone. So, I don't go. I feel ashamed for the things I've done and said. I'm becoming weary in my battle...and I'm fighting it alone because I don't feel like there is help. I don't have much strength to fight it and I know people get tired of hearing that I'm down and out. I know its tiresome to be around "depressed" people.

I was listening to Barlow Girl's "Never Alone" song on the way in to work this morning. That is exactly how I feel. I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side. But I am holding on tight to what I know. The truth that I'm never alone. The truth that God does not forsake His children. The truth that God is love and that He works all things together for good for those who love Him. That I have a purpose. That despite how many times I fall, or how many times people slap me in the face...I will get up - I will stand up. Not by my strength, but by His strength. I will love with the love Jesus put in me. I will care because He cares. I will forgive because He first forgave me. I will keep trying until I can't try anymore, and then I will let God do the rest.

I may be broken right now, but I know this is where He wants me to be. I may not know why, but now He can truly mold me into the vessel for His purpose. They say things get harder before they get better. This hardship has been going on for years. It hurts like the dickens, but I believe there is something on the other side. Even when I'm alone and people have forsaken me, I need to remember that is not a manisfestation of God's love. I can only control my actions and attitude. I realize I wallow around a lot, but its because I'm scared and I don't feel capable of doing this on my own. So, I do look to others to help me and am sorely dissapointed time and time again. This is NOT the way it's supposed to be! I hope that my aches and pains and disappointments and hardships can be used for good rather than to continually be a strong-hold in my life; rather than to continually be a reminder of what a failure I am.

I hope that someone else can see and relate to these hardships and know that they are not alone in their struggles even if they feel like it. I recognize that this is not going to be easy...probably for the first time in my Christian experience. I thought somehow it was all blessings and goodness. Then I became fearful and thought anytime I opened my bible or went to church I would get bombarded with blasts from the devil. For whatever reason, these are my struggles. We all have our own - mine might be different from yours - but that doesn't mean its not any less real and any less difficult.

My encouragment is even when things are so unpredictable, when grief is unbearable, when the hurt is detremental, when the shame is engulfing, when the pain won't go away....and you can't feel God anywhere...hold onto the promises. Look to those seeds that were planted maybe when you were a child. What's your favorite bible story? What's your favorite verse? That's God talking to you. He never leaves you. He never forsakes you. He is true to His promises and won't let you down when everything else does. Hold on. Hold on.

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"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ." I Corinthians 12:12

I constantly get on myself for not being like everyone else. This is a DAILY struggle for me and Facebook makes it that much more prevalent in my life. I see people who have already finished their degrees in the "average" time it takes - I have not. I see people having babies - I have not. I see people who are doing great things in ministry - I have not. I look at others and see all the things I have not done. I see people living out their lives, healthy and happy - I on the other hand must struggle with the torrents of PMDD. Why, oh why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I so insecure in who I am that I think it would be that much better to be in someone else's shoes when quite possibily they're thinking they'd like to be in my shoes (if you are...trust me, you don't want this life or my mind!)ugh!

"Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body." I Corinthians 12:15

I often times think I don't have anything to offer to anyone...especially the church. Being involved in music for so long, I thought that was my "calling". I thought that was my ministry. Once I got hurt, I didn't want anything to do with music for quite a long time. I had conditioned myself to think the hurt came from the music I was apart of and creating. I see the wonderful talent I'm surrounded by and think I'll never be able to do that and I'll never be able to live up to that. I use to want to write music. Oh, how I had a desire to write music...to be able to express my inner most emotions in a beautiful way - now that takes TALENT. The only song I ever wrote was called "Storm" and its an instrumental piece and it got torn apart by a peer because it never modulates. You would think after going to school to be a music major for 4+ years I would know what the heck I'm doing. I don't know chord progressions, I can't play the guitar, I can't improvise. I'm scared to death to improvise! I can read music, though. So what do I do with that? Just lay it to rest in the back corners of my closet collecting dust like I've done with my clarinet?

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable" I Corinthians 2:21-22

Indispensable? Really? How can we make other people feel like this? Because I know I certainly feel dispensable rather than INdispensable! That is what I want to do. Make people feel special and loved and let them know they're not alone and that God is there for them no matter what and that even if they feel no one on this earth loves them...I do! I want to build other people up and praise them for their accomplishments even if they think they're small and insignificant. That's what we are called to do.

"But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." I Corinthians 12:24-26

So, why do we so often throw people to the side when things get tough? Do we not want to allow people into our lives or do we not want to take the time to get intimate in others lives? If this is what we're called to do, why aren't we doing it?

We should be readily available to give to others before they even have to ask.
We should be readily available to pour out love, kindness and encouragment instead of judgement, bitterness, and hate.

We should be readily available to reach across the aisle and hold hands with each other...in the good times and in the bad.

I can't hold your hand unless you're willing to hold my hand too.

Tap, tap, tap...

I feel a tapping at my heart. I see it and feel it everywhere.

This past week, I have felt a need to do and create like never before. I want to give and to reach out. I've started to draw, but the more I start to draw the more images, vibrant and beautiful, flood my head.

I feel the need to hold the ones I love close at hand and let them know how much they mean to me.

I feel the need to be positive and reassure those that are in a tough spot because I know all too well what that is like.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling. It's a new and different sensation. I feel a stirring going on, but not sure how to describe it.

I am still struggling with going to church. I'm struggling with the same issues as usual. Not yesterday, but last week, I had an incredibly difficult time. Whenever I exercise it has a tendency to set my cycle back and I have to be cautious of this because I need to be aware due to my PMDD. Whenever I am late, my "episodes" have a tendency to rear their ugly heads after instead of before. That is what happened.

I get to church and I felt alone. Even sitting next to people on the praise team, I feel alone. I go sit in the sanctuary. I feel alone. I watch the hustle and bustle of the people fellowshipping around me, but never apart of it. I start crying. I tell myself not to. The more I tell myself not to, the more I start to cry. It's embarrassing because once I start crying - I can't stop! I get up and go to the bathroom, give myself a pep talk in the mirror. It will all be over soon. You're gonna be OK! I muster up the courage to go back out into the sanctuary and immediately start crying again. I go up and start singing praise and worship and try to whole-heartily get lost in God. It works and I stop crying...but once I have to go sit back down, I get immensely sad all over again.

The pastor's sermon was great and I got a lot out of it, but when he gave the alter call I didn't want to go. I decided to tell my inner monologue to shut its whiny mouth and go. Pastor said they were going to pray for people starting at one side and go to the other side. I went up at the last minute, and stood praying and believing God to restore me. Time goes by and finally I open my eyes and somehow I was the only person on that side of the church and everyone else was getting prayed for on the opposite side. I was crushed and quite literally pissed off. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, just hurt that I feel like yet again...I am alone! Always alone!

I got home and I told Steve that I was tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of surviving my life instead of living it. I don't understand why I'm constantly getting slapped in the face, but yet I feel like I have to be the strong one. I don't understand why I have to keep giving and not receiving. I don't understand why it's the same thing over and over and OVER again! What lesson am I not learning? What am I not getting? If someone could kindly point it out to me because I don't want to stay in this area of my life. I don't want to continue to deal with these things...but yet I am.

So, to cope - I started drawing this last week. There is a lot of emotion within me that wants and needs to get out. Do I think its any good or I'm gonna be the next Picasso, no, but it seems to be helping and it seems to be touching an area of my life that needs to be restored.

I'm looking for meaning. I'm looking for purpose and I don't view the world through the same eyes as you do. None of us do, but being a TCK and being a woman that deals with PMDD, my sights are different. My meaning is my Savior, but I don't agree with traditionalism. I don't agree with doing something because society says its what you're "supposed" to do. Church, right now, is like that for me. I'm not getting much out of it except to feel an incredible amount of anxiety and hurt. Will that change? I hope so. All I can do is work on my attitude and do what I do best...and that is to be me. I want to love people and help hurting people. I feel I do that best outside of the church - right now. I'm a hurting person and I'm not finding my healing in a place that is supposed to be my "Christian family". Am I looking at things the wrong way? Again, I don't know. But when the church doesn't look at issues such as depression, mood disorders, self-injury and try to understand... rather they slap a label of lazy, demon-possessed, or lack of faith on it.

I do not have a lack of faith. If anything, my trials have given me that much more faith because people have hurt me so much. If I didn't have faith in my God - I would have given up a long time ago. That's not to say that we don't all deal with our own thorns. These are issues, circumstances and insecurities I deal with on a daily basis and I don't want or need other people pushing them in further or harder.

All of that to say - I feel something brewing inside - tapping inside. Something is calling to me. I'm not sure what it is...but I'm curious to find out.

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” ~ Tom Krause