Three Little Words - NOS

I am scared and don't know what to do. It's probably nothing - but so often I'm left alone with nothing but my thoughts. Those thoughts turn into bigger thoughts and then the bigger thoughts begin to cycle out of control until it contributes to anxiety and I feel like I'm losing control. I would rather not lose control. Because when I lose control, I feel like I lose all sense of accomplishment that I've made so far.

I've been taking Prozac, fluoxetine, since last July. I've been on many different types of medications. I've been diagnosed with many different things but always with those three little words - NOS. For those who may not be familiar with psychiatric disorders and/or labeling, NOS is the acronym for Not Otherwise Specified....or in laymen’s terms, we really don't know what you have so we're going to slap a general label on you.

I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar NOS with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and my newest and most recent diagnosis is Mood Disorder NOS....which is probably the broadest diagnosis a person can have.

What I have is PMDD. What I deal with is insecurity in who I am because I grew up differently from my American peers. I wasn't prepared for the transition that I was going to experience and instead of someone acknowledging that I was having transition difficulties; I got told I was demon possessed. I really wish I could let go of that, but that has messed with me more than I care to admit.

Back to why I'm scared.

So, I've been on Prozac for over a year now and it really seems to regulate my moods. It works really well for me the week before my period when I would normally have anxiety attacks and meltdowns. HOWEVER....once my period ends, my supposed "good time" has now completely switched on the medication. What's the point of being on medication if it helps one thing but creates another problem? In my case, my symptoms have just flip flopped.

Sure this may not seem like a problem, but it's incredibly frustrating to me. Over the course of 8 years, I've been on 7 different antidepressants, 2 anti-anxiety meds, 1 mood stabilizer, and 2 antipsychotics. I've tried intermittent dosing. I've tried a couple of medications together. I've tried going off medication for three years.

All of this to say, I'm not even thirty years old yet. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. And with all of this and the stress I've experience in my short lifetime, my cycle has NEVER been but a week late at MOST!

Since May, I've dealt with 2 complete missed periods and one really late start. Why now? Why all of sudden have all my symptoms been purely emotional. Why now is my body sabotaging me in this way too?? That's how it feels. I've been through the ups and downs of dealing with the stigma attached to PMDD and all the other stigmas attached to mental illnesses. I've been through the ups and downs of losing any and all friends and support. I've been through the ups and downs of wondering if I should try and help others or just ignore what I'm dealing with.

I started crying at work today because I just feel like I can't win. I try to be positive...and I try to be good and kind to others. All of that is overshadowed by my negative attitude and my lack of faith, especially faith in myself.

Not Otherwise Specified......let me tell you something specific about PMDD. It comes on you and creates havoc like you wouldn't believe. Then you have to try and pick yourself back up secretly hoping and wishing that you haven't made a bigger mess. Things appear to cycle just as your menses cycles. Hardly any relief.

I thought I was starting to get relief. The medication was helping me....and now, this. I count on knowing when my period is going to start. I count on knowing it because that is when my relief comes. That is when my sanity comes back. That is when I can relax, pick myself up and move forward again. Now that it’s not coming....I'm having more meltdowns....I'm having more anxiety and more paranoid fleeting thoughts. I want to stay strong, but I'm scared.

I'm so tired of dealing with this and now something new.
I'm so tired of fighting and then feeling like I'm getting nowhere.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have nobody that cares
I'm so tired of feeling inadequate.
I'm so tired of feeling like people look down on me.
I'm so tired of feeling like a monster in a cage.

I wish I had some real answers.  I wish I had some real specifics.  I wish I had more than just speculation and guessses to go off of.
 

Who Knows Better?

Who knows better, you or the doctor?  You would hope your doctor....

Every time I've gone to see my doc, he doesn't give me very much information as to what he thinks I'm dealing with.  That implies to me that he isn't quite sure.  I know what it is!  It's called PMDD!  I've known it for the past 6 years!!!  And when I get stressed out, I have a tendency to get depressed (shown through my anger and irritability). 

Why can't medical professionals just acknowledge that this is a real thing?!?!

My doctor prescribed me abilify along with my antidepressant.  I wasn't sure what it was.  It's considered an atypical anti psychotic (which sounded kinda heavy duty to me!).  When I researched it, it's a medication that is typically used for patients with schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder.   It can also be used for patients who aren't responding that well to their antidepressant.  It's suppose to augment the affects.

I've been on it now for three weeks today.  Ok, that's a lie.  I didn't take it last night and I had very good reason for it.  I, in no way, condone ignoring what a doctor prescribes.  But I am an advocate for understanding your own body and how you react to medications.

I was on lithium for over a year several years ago.  That is a time in my life that I barely remember anything.  I started to feel like that again.

The first week was ok, the depression had subsided.  But my menstrual cycle hasn't begun, so now I'm freaking out about if I'm pregnant or not.  I've taken two pregnancy tests so far and both have come back negative.  Last night was rough!  And when I say rough, I mean - my brain was having a hard time functioning.

My hubby and I got into a fight over some finances.  The stress of the fight got me really worked up.  I started screaming and crying and when he wanted to leave, I freaked out even more.  I don't do well when my loved ones want to leave me alone.  Anywho, from that point on I could barely formulate sentences and was exhausted trying to carry a conversation.  That's ridiculous for someone who doesn't typically have a hard time talking, thinking, or feeling.  Last night was an extreme to how I've been feeling the past two weeks.  It's affecting my job and I need to be on the ball and need to be able to explain concisely what I'm doing and why.

Because of these factors and the fact that I've been on a mood stabilizer and had a negative experience with it in the past, I decided to just take my antidepressant and not the abilify.

I already feel tons better today.  My mind seems to be quicker and sharper.  I'm tired, but that's because of the emotional outburst that happened last night.  Other than that, I'm quite alert mentally.

So, who knows better?  Me....or my doctor?

Here comes the "PMDD" again

You know the Eurythmics song "Here comes the rain again"....just switch some of the words around and make into a tragedy song instead of a love song and that is how I feel today.
Here comes the "PMDD" again....
Here comes the "anger" again....
Here comes the "tears" again....
Here comes the "paranoia" again...

Don't talk to me....but if you don't I'll be sad
Don't hug me....but if you don't then I'll be mad
Just hate me like I know you do
Just give me a couple days until this is through

Yeah, that's how I feel yet again.

What really got me in a tizzy is my brain thinking too much. I seem to have a tendency to do that during this time of month. Either the hamster is working over time or he's taking a nap upstairs in his wheel. Today he seems to be reeling out all sorts of anxiety-like thoughts.

When I first went through my string of doctors, I was diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder. Every once in a while, I'll do research and look stuff up to see why I was diagnosed as such. From my findings, I understand why I have traits of BPD. I'm insecure, I fear abandonment, I get super anger and impulsive, and I've very confused about who I am a lot of times because of everything I've been through and/or being a TCK.

I just get to thinking - what the heck is wrong with me? Will I ever just be OK? Will I ever be able to live out a happy, healthy life without always feeling like I'm in the wrong one way or another? Will I ever feel like I'm enough? Will I ever feel like I have people who love me and care about me even though I'm told everyday? What is enough for me? What am I expecting? And most importantly...why am I like this?!

If I don't get some of this out - I will implode and I would much rather not go back to my old tactics of coping.

These are the times I wish I had a magic wand so I could bop myself on the head to either make the thoughts go away or just knock myself unconscious for a while so that I will wake up when this junk passes. Le sigh...

It must be so nice for "normal" people to live out their lives not questioning their everyday existence. I wonder what that's like. It must be so nice for women to go through this time of month with little to no repercussions. It must be so nice to not be a woman! It must be nice to have your family live right down the road. It must be nice to think you're an awesome person. It must be nice to not have your moods fluctuate on you every couple of weeks. It must be nice to know what strength and courage is. It must be nice to know how much you are loved and feel secure in it.

Don't ask me who that's directed towards, I just feel like spouting off. I'm feeling sorry for myself and just angry. It's what I do....

I guess instead of here comes the PMDD again, I should say here IS the PMDD again. Seesh.

My Wishy-Washy Ways

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks. I could probably blame the majority of it on being utterly exhausted, but I'm feeling a lot of uneasiness in the sense of belonging. I recognize my emotional state becomes very sensitive when faced with stress, not enough sleep, and eating the wrong kinds of foods (ie too much sugar and/or caffeine). Most people can handle being out of their routine for a little while before it affecting them, but I'm affected in a major way.

I haven't felt this down and out in quite some time. In fact, I haven't had such a jolt in my mood that wasn't premenstrual since being on medication. It's disturbing enough to question your worth and existence for a day or two and tell yourself it'll be over with and you'll be back to "normal" in a couple of days. That's a monthly occurrence. But to feel estranged, sad, indifferent, and hopeless for almost two weeks straight is disheartening.

I wonder where the line is drawn. Is it because I've been out of my routine? Is it hormone related? Is it TCK syndrome rearing it's head making me feel I'll never be accepted in my current culture? Or is it a combination?

I've always been wishy washy and I've always questioned things. Lately, I've been questioning a lot more. Why do I believe in what I do? Where is God? Why do we follow tradition? Because it's what society tells us to do? What if we get out of sync with society...will we ever be accepted and able to function on our own without peer approval? Or is it so engrained within us to have the acceptance of others? To belong to something. To have an identity somewhere. What if you don't fit in anywhere? You've been completely alienated. Do you quit questioning, conform, and just exist to get by? Or do you make a new path?

I feel like I don't belong. This isn't new. It's become a lot more prevalent and in my face than I would like to endure, but it's a truth. So I can continue to be upset or I can accept the facts and learn from it. I can accept what God has given me and make something out of it. I can accept that I will struggle on a monthly basis because of PMDD and learn to help others. I can accept that not everyone I meet will like me or accept me, but I can still be kind to them and shower them with love and acceptance. I can learn to make a new path.

Despite my wishy-washiness, I just have to believe there is a reason for all of this. I just have to believe that good will come from all of this. I have to keep fighting. I have to keep enduring. I don't know why, but this isn't over yet.

Readily Available

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ." I Corinthians 12:12

I constantly get on myself for not being like everyone else. This is a DAILY struggle for me and Facebook makes it that much more prevalent in my life. I see people who have already finished their degrees in the "average" time it takes - I have not. I see people having babies - I have not. I see people who are doing great things in ministry - I have not. I look at others and see all the things I have not done. I see people living out their lives, healthy and happy - I on the other hand must struggle with the torrents of PMDD. Why, oh why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I so insecure in who I am that I think it would be that much better to be in someone else's shoes when quite possibily they're thinking they'd like to be in my shoes (if you are...trust me, you don't want this life or my mind!)ugh!

"Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body." I Corinthians 12:15

I often times think I don't have anything to offer to anyone...especially the church. Being involved in music for so long, I thought that was my "calling". I thought that was my ministry. Once I got hurt, I didn't want anything to do with music for quite a long time. I had conditioned myself to think the hurt came from the music I was apart of and creating. I see the wonderful talent I'm surrounded by and think I'll never be able to do that and I'll never be able to live up to that. I use to want to write music. Oh, how I had a desire to write music...to be able to express my inner most emotions in a beautiful way - now that takes TALENT. The only song I ever wrote was called "Storm" and its an instrumental piece and it got torn apart by a peer because it never modulates. You would think after going to school to be a music major for 4+ years I would know what the heck I'm doing. I don't know chord progressions, I can't play the guitar, I can't improvise. I'm scared to death to improvise! I can read music, though. So what do I do with that? Just lay it to rest in the back corners of my closet collecting dust like I've done with my clarinet?

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable" I Corinthians 2:21-22

Indispensable? Really? How can we make other people feel like this? Because I know I certainly feel dispensable rather than INdispensable! That is what I want to do. Make people feel special and loved and let them know they're not alone and that God is there for them no matter what and that even if they feel no one on this earth loves them...I do! I want to build other people up and praise them for their accomplishments even if they think they're small and insignificant. That's what we are called to do.

"But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." I Corinthians 12:24-26

So, why do we so often throw people to the side when things get tough? Do we not want to allow people into our lives or do we not want to take the time to get intimate in others lives? If this is what we're called to do, why aren't we doing it?

We should be readily available to give to others before they even have to ask.
We should be readily available to pour out love, kindness and encouragment instead of judgement, bitterness, and hate.

We should be readily available to reach across the aisle and hold hands with each other...in the good times and in the bad.

I can't hold your hand unless you're willing to hold my hand too.