Seeds of Hope

I recently have encountered some friends who are going through a difficult time.  I myself have been going through a difficult time the past several years...just take a look back through this blog and you'll see plenty of ups and downs. 

What I've come to realize is this world is not without hardships, trials, and tribulations.  There have been many times...MANY...that I've wanted to give up and felt there was no reason to keep going.  Whether that was to give up on a dream, a vision, a relationship, or even give up on my own life.

There are a couple of things I've learned so far on my short journey and I would like to share three thoughts with you through the analogy of a flower.

1. As a young seedling, a flower begins its growth process in the dark, by itself.  Somehow, it is programmed to find the light; to find the sun. During this process, it bumps into rocks and other plant that may be struggling to survive and utilize the nourishment that it has been provided with. 

At this point, the plant could just stop since there are already other plants and rocks in its way...but it doesn't.  You want to know why?  Because it was created with a greater purpose.  To find the light. The rocks peel back the young seedlings shell and reveals the start of a vulnerable stalk.  The rock draws moisture and once the flowers roots have been revealed, the rock has become a life support by supplying water.  The other obstacles in the soil begin to strengthen and mold the developing flower.

The rocks.  The other plants.  The darkness...it is all a natural part of life.  It is there to aid in the growth of the flower.  Just like the obstacles in our lives.  Keep in mind, these obstacles are only there to nurture.  They are not there to define.  They are there to help us grow and help us become strong as we continue on our journeys.  We have already been created with our purpose.  If you don't know what it is yet.  Keep striving.  Keep dreaming.  Your dreams often know your deepest parts better than you understand.  Keep reaching for the light.  Keep seeking the light.  (Matthew 6:33)

2. Another way flowers are unique is in the way they interact with other elements in nature.  Flowers rely on and are relied upon by completely different species.  To procreate, flowers utilize bees or the fur of animals to help spread their seed.  In order to fulfill their hunger, certain animals in nature rely on the nourishment from flowers.  It's interesting to know that flowers have the ability to evolve, if need be, and come into harmony with species completely different than it's own. 

As humans, we all are looking out for our own wants and needs and it can be incredibly frustrating when others don't get that or don't want to support us in our interests and goals.  Relationships are about give and take, though.  If we go through life assuming that everybody has to like what we like, has to do what we want when we want....we become overbearing and stifle the potential for growth.  If we fall flat on our faces and allow others who are overbearing to dictate our every move, we stunt our growth, as well.  It's all about balance and knowing that we already have a place in this world.  Don't try and grab more than you deserve, but at the same time don't minimize your potential. (1 Corinthians 12:12-31)

3. We may not always like our circumstances or we may feel that we have no control over what's going on in our lives.  I encourage you to look at the life of a flower.  A dandelion seedling may be carried far away from where it's original roots were.  It may not be surrounded by any other dandelions, but working in harmony and evolving with it's surroundings will allow the flower to grow to it's full potential.

Realize that just as nature comes into harmony, God is in control - we are not.  We never have been.  God created you and knew you in the womb before you were even born. (Psalms 139:13-16).  He knows what your blueprint - your purpose is, even if you're still trying to figure it out.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

Even if you don't know where you're going or why certain things are happening or have happened in your life, please do not give up hope.  Please realize that you are not alone and continue to strive towards the light.  You may never know how much others need you as a part of their functioning world, but you are unique and you are important.  Keep holding on. 

Comfort in the Pain

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (Message)

Oh, what a silly human I am sometimes.  Looking back over the last several years of my life and what a hardship I've been going through, things are just now coming into focus.  All I've ever wanted was to help others.  Then, all of a sudden I'm struck with hardships seen through PMDD and through my identity issues with being a TCK.  I completely closed myself off to others.  I almost lost my faith.  I was very close to throwing off all my belief in God, so frustrated that I have to go through these tough times.  So frustrated that it seems like I haven't gone anywhere since the tough times started.  Mad and angry that God didn't seem to be doing anything for me....that I wasn't being comforted.

As I started to read this wonderful message on "Where Can We Find Comfort" that is part of a series that RBC ministries has put out, something written really struck a chord with me. 

"We may want nothing more than a warm embrace and a reassuring word that will get us back on our feet and back to business as usual.  But Paul's experience of comfort show in some very specific ways that God may not want us to go back to where we were" (Sper, 2005, p. 7)

Honestly that sums up exactly what I've been wanting.  Just some reassurance or a kind word to get me back on my feet and back to where I was comfortable...

But God doesn't always want us to be comfortable.  Comfortable means a provision of physical ease and relaxation.  There are times in our walk with the Lord that we do need to rest and relax, but we shouldn't be in that mode often - otherwise we're not getting anywhere.  We're not growing, we're not changing, we're not being molded into who God wants us to be. 

All these years, I've been looking for ways to put myself back in a place/situation/familiar surrounding that makes me feel safe and comfortable - when maybe God has been trying to stretch me and enable to me to grow and meet the desire of my heart which is to help others.

There has been a lot of research done on how there are many health benefits to helping others - especially for patients with chronic pain and depression.  Here is a great link that discusses this matter.

But, if we look closely, the Bible already discusses what science and research has proven.  Several verses discuss the importance of putting others at the forefront of our preoccupations and to care for each other.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." ~ Romans 12:10

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." ~ Phillipians 2:3

Maybe part of the reason I've gone through hardships other than to change and be molded is so that I can help others in similar situations.  But I can't help others until I accept the comfort and help from the Lord.  And until I do that...I'm not going to move forward and I'm not going to be able to help others.

Maybe another reason I've gone through this season of hardship is to be brought closer to the Lord.  It didn't appear that way for the last several years.  In fact, I would almost say that it pushed me away from my faith...

But that is because I was relying on others to make me better.  I was relying on others to comfort me.  I was relying on the strength of myself (which I didn't often have) to pull me through. 

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" ~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Sometimes we have to get to the end of our rope to realize that we have never truly been alone. We have to have things taken away from us to realize the ONE thing that truly does matter. And to learn that no matter what sort of storm we go through, we have our ever-loving God right next to our side.

Unraveling Knots

"And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies' plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger" ~ The Last Battle C.S. Lewis

Far too long I've been believing my life doesn't matter.  Far too long I've forgotten that I'm not in this game of life alone.  I'm still incredibly gun shy, but I believe there is a reason for everything I've endured just as I believe there is a reason we all go through hardships.

A verse that comes to mind over and over again from the time that I was a young Christian is:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~ Galatians 1:10

Man, I'm a bad people pleaser.  Not as bad as I use to be, but it still seems to be an innate trait that won't go away.  I want to be liked and I want others to know that I like them.  I use to try so hard to find SOMETHING good about others even if they annoyed the crap out of me because I desperately didn't want to be rejected.  My altruistic service to others was coated in a fine sense of selfishness.

For whatever reason, every trial in my life has left me alone.  It has left me with little to no support.  It has left me with the sense of rejection and the thought that I have to deal with life all on on my own.

I get so wrapped up in my situation, that I forget the truth...the truth that we're never truly alone.  Even when people hurt you (which inevitably will happen - we're all human and we all make mistakes), God never forsakes us.

Why have I forgotten this truth?  Why have I failed to realize that I'm not alone?

Because the enemy is so crafty.  The enemy has a way of taking bits of truth and twisting them to where the lie seems to be nothing but reality and nothing but absolute truth.  It's like a string that becomes so twisted and manipulated that it's hard to find where the truth begins and where the lie ends.  It becomes a big ol' tangled mess.

My life has felt like a big ol' tangled mess for a really long time.  I've been so focused on this knotted up string of lies in my mind and moods that I forget that God has every capability and want to unravel what my feeble self cannot manage.

I want to learn things fast and want to do them now.  However, unraveling knots takes both time and patience.

Peace

The same word has been popping up all over the place.  Peace.

I hear it in the Christmas music.  Peace on Earth.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace. 

I hear it in country music (that I'm forced to listen to - not by my own accord!)  Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.

I read in my devotion last night.

Peace is something I've been searching for for a long time.  What does it mean to be at peace?  What does this peace feel like?

I've been carrying around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years.  I've been carrying around burdens that are not my own.  I've been carrying around things that I long told God I would give to Him - that He's asked me to give to Him.

So many people in this world are hurting from so many different things.  Many people don't feel like anyone gives a crap about them, that no one cares to know who they are or what they have to offer. 

What does peace have to do with that?  I'm not sure.  I'm still trying to put all these thoughts and feelings together.

Dealing with PMDD has not allowed many peaceful times.  It feels like I'm always picking up broken pieces - pieces that I've broken, pieces of my heart, pieces from shattered relationships.  No time to truly mend and heal.  No time to bask in peace. 

I still don't know what it looks like.  I don't know what it feels like.  But I feel like I'm closer than ever to finding out.

Lessons from the Past

Before this blog, I use to write on xanga. I went there this afternoon and started reading some of my old posts. Even though I was writing during probably the hardest time of my life, I liked the person I was. I was real. I allowed myself to feel and feel freely - write about it freely. I continually sought after God regardless if I felt on the right track or not. I needed to read some of my old posts. God was always giving me analogies back then and I want to share them again.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I experienced a few range of emotions tonight and God showed me two very interesting points that I believe have a lot of symbolism. I love to read any kind of book that has to do with psychology and understanding one's personality. I always have and its always thrilled me to no end to understand others and the differences we all possess. Anywho. As I was reading through these books, I couldn't help but overlook sections about love and then sections about anger and bitterness. Basically, I feel as though there are many things from my past that I have drudged up and other things that I haven't even let go of even though I thought I had. I just laid down on my bed and started crying and asking God why I had to endure all the things I have and why I can't believe in myself and trust that I am the person He created me to be, when all of a sudden I felt this nasty rock-like thing in my mouth and I just stopped in the middle of what I was doing and pulled it out of my mouth. It smelt like a piece of lead, but I have no clue how it got there. After I had examined and focused on this little lead, rock thing in my mouth, I came to realize that I had forgotten all about what it was I was praying about. As I was thinking more about that....some symbolism came to mind. Sometimes when we allow negative things to come out of our mouths, we focus so much on that that we forget who we really are in Christ and forget that Jesus is there with us always in the first place. It startled me so much that I had something potentially hazardous come falling out of my mouth that I failed to realize, the negative words we spew out are just as hazardous if not more. Proverbs even speaks about the fact that the tongue holds the keys to either life or death. As I was letting everything that I had read tonight reel around in my mind and was doing my last bit of getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror and touched my lip. (A step back into the present real quick. I had gotten all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out earlier that summer and the lower, left quadrant of my mouth had not regained feeling for months. I actually didn't get feeling back for a total of 9 months. I still can scratch my chin and feel it up in my lip - it's weird!) I still haven't fully gained back all of my feeling or sensations....and in fact, the feeling that I have gotten back really hurts. The teeth that are just inside by my lip are so incredibly sensitive that it hurts to brush my teeth, it hurts to take a bite of anything, it hurts to barely even touch them and then if I press too hard on them, it sends this wild (and not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination) sensation flowing through my lip. God started showing me something through all of that about my own life. Sometimes, when we have been numb for so long, we can't just jump right back into things. We can't take a bite out of life and expect things to be a-okay. It hurts to get our feeling back when we've been hurt in the past. We have to be cautious and careful. It takes time and healing and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. All in all, healing hurts sometimes. Tuesday, July 25, 2006 Okay, so I just wanted to share an analogy I had today when me and my family were driving down to Dalton, GA. I was really frustrated that we had to be going down there. I don't want to have anything to do with this last semester and of course the counselor that I was seeing is down there, and we had to pay off two different medical bills from down there. So, I was just in this huge funk this morning and my parents were trying to be all sweet to me and saying really nice things and trying to include me in conversations...but I was just remaining withdrawn and funktified. So, I had this analogy come to me as I sat there in my cloud and gazed out the window as all of creation past by I pictured myself tied to a chair in this disgusting old basement where water was pouring in and rising fast. The harder I tried to set myself free, the tighter the ropes dug into my skin and the more painful it was to be in that predicament. I struggled more and more fearing for my life as I saw the water rising. But the more I struggled, the more in danger I put myself in. The more I tried to take things into my own hands, the more I just continually hurt myself and it obviously wasn't getting me anywhere. Then, I felt God tell me to be still. So, I sat still and He came to my rescue. No, he didn't undo the ropes all at once, but little by little He began to loosen the ropes. I watched Him with great eagerness and when he told me to move I moved. I listened to everything He had to tell me. I wasn't scared of drowning in the water anymore because even though the water had finally risen above my head and I could do absolutely nothing about it....he had oxygen there for me as He continually, steadily worked on getting me free. That really put a lot of things into perspective for me today. If I continue to whine and complain and miserably roll around in self pity, I just continue to hurt myself. But when we are still, that is when God can come to our rescue and guide us and lead us....not in our timing, but in His. I have definitely started to see God putting the pieces of my life back together and everything has totally changed. I profusely apologize for complaining so much all of the time. That is not faith and I long to live by faith and by the things that are unseen because I know my God is a pursuer and a loving God and wants the best for all of His children and never intends to harm us. I trust Him. I will say it over and over again until I get my flesh to obey and trust.

The Will and Want to Understand

There is something beautiful and almost sacred when human beings show compassion towards each other.  The simple act of a smile.  The gentle ease of a hug.  The kindness of a listening ear.  We need each other and we need to lift each other up.

Our youth pastor, Rob Bateman, once discussed with me what he's taught his own children "There is enough hatred and hurt in the world.  It won't be like that in my house.  We will love each other and we will be here to support each other."

Those words penetrated deep into my heart and represent that we should not add to the hatred and hurt in the world, but add more love and kindness.

We may not always understand where people are coming from, but the will and want to understand may far outweigh the actual comprehension of what a person is going through.  The fact that another living person is interested enough to try and understand who we are, what we're about, what we like and don't, sharing in our fears and dreams, etc gives a sense of belonging.

There are a lot of people in this world that don't feel they belong.  If they don't act a certain way.  If they don't look a certain way.  If they don't speak a certain way.  Why do we judge?  Because of fear - because most times the unknown is scary.


"Be kind and compassionate towards each other" ~ Ephesians 4:32

"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" ~ Colossians 3:12 

I use to ask myself why I had to go through difficulties with my emotions; why I had to deal with the stigma and embarrassment of a mood disorder because I'm already a super empathetic person by nature.  However, over these past 7 years, I've gained a deeper understanding of the pain others go through - how it feels to be mistreated, judged, disliked, ostracized, let down, and rejected.  By the same token, I have also learned from those experiences how not to treat others and that often times people just want to be acknowledged.  They want others to just TRY and understand where they're coming from.  They want others to TRY and listen without speaking judgement or giving advice.  They want someone to be there.  They want someone to care.  They want to know their life is valuable and has meaning.

We are reminded to feel for others, and to feel deeply:

"Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering" ~ Hebrews 13:3

Here's a secret. You may never understand, but my encouragement is don't stop trying. Don't stop reaching out. Don't stop showering compassion.

Our Lives are Like...Angry Birds

Have you ever realized how much our lives are like angry birds?! It's amazing the similarities. Angry birds is a game...our lives are somewhat like a game....maybe - depends on how you look at it. The piggies stole what belonged to the birds (that's why they're so angry!) - I know there are things and situations in my life, the obstacles I call my "piggies", that have tried to steal my happiness and bits and pieces of my life over and over again!

"The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and to destroy..." ~John 10:10

The game allows you to progress to different levels! It's awesome. That's how we are in life. We complete one "level" and get to move on to the next. Childhood. Teenagedom. The part of life where you're still growing your adult brain (18-25 years). Adulthood. Middleagedom. Gray-hairdom.

I'm just now passing from level 3 to level 4 (I finally grew in my adult brain!) However, this level is one of the hardest levels to pass! I thought Teenagedom was difficult! Eesh! There are more obstacles than ever before to hurdle over and more little "piggies" trying to steal what's not theirs! Or so it seems. Have you ever noticed that whatever "level" you're on in the moment seems like the absolute hardest thing to get through?

The neat thing about Angry Birds is that as the levels progress, become more difficult, and those piggies get a little more obnoxious, there are several birds you encounter along the way with different strengths. Some can split into three and break ice. Some can fly real fast and bust through wood. Some can poop out eggs. Some can turn into bombs and blast out whatever is in their way! It's so cool. But each bird is unique and with certain levels, only having one type of bird to combat the piggies would not suffice. They need each other!!!! Just like when we encounter different types of people in our own lives with different strengths. We can play this game of life much better together :)

Then there is the mighty eagle! This is my favorite part! Have you ever gotten stuck on a "level" before? Where no matter how hard you try and how many different angles you come at the obstacle/problem...you just can't seem to win? And those stupid little piggies laugh at you. Seriously. To top off your failure, they laugh in the most obnoxious snorting manner. How many times have we failed and feel like people are laughing at us? That's when the mighty eagle comes into play. When you've done everything you know how to do...the mighty eagle will swoop in and knock out EVERYTHING!!!! It's fantastic!!! This is God in my life. It doesn't mean we aren't supposed to do our part first. With angry birds you have to try everything you can first...and try multiple times! At least I do. Finally, I call in the mighty eagle to help out! And BAM!!! All those stubborn piggies are knocked out :)

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings." ~ Psalm 36:7

This is where Angry Birds and our lives may differ a bit. Some people might view utilizing the mighty eagle as "cheating". However, it is never considered cheating or a sign of weakness to call upon God when we need Him. In fact, he encourages us to call out to Him.

"Call to me, and I will answer you. I will tell you great and mysterious things you do not know." ~Jeremiah 33:3

Remember, you have the true Mighty Eagle by your side at any moment, at any time. All you need to do is confess your sins to the Lord and profess faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior. With Jesus on our team, we will always win!

"My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you I, whom you have redeemed. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.” ~Psalm 71:23-24

To finish the verse listed above, John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Now, what a fun game of life this will be to play! Don't you want to join me??

Hold on

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ~ Romans 8:38-39



I have a lot on my mind today, so please bear with me as I try to sort out my thoughts and feelings.



This verse comes up time and time again in my life. I feel like any time I take a step towards God I get knocked down over and over again. I know this verse, but I feel like my faith is waivering. I feel like everything I once had hope in is being tested and pulled and broken and changed. Nothing is predictable in my life. I don't have the same home. I don't have the same friends - there are a few, but people change, I change. I don't know what my moods are going to be like from day to day. I feel like I'm standing on a tight rope high in the air with the wind blowing 100 mph. Nothing to hold on to but a little piece of string under my feet.



I feel like the devil is trying to turn me against everything and everyone and make me question everything and everyone and become so confused that I don't know which way is up. I feel like that a lot.



He's trying to turn me off to the one promise that I know I can stand on. That nothing will separate me from the love of Jesus.



I am fearful to go to church becuase I was ridiculed when I first starting dealing with PMDD. I was told I was demon-possessed and that I was looking to people to solve my problems. I was told that I just needed to read my bible and that I didn't have enough faith for God to heal me. I go to church and I feel alone - more alone than I do when I'm actually alone. So, I don't go. I feel ashamed for the things I've done and said. I'm becoming weary in my battle...and I'm fighting it alone because I don't feel like there is help. I don't have much strength to fight it and I know people get tired of hearing that I'm down and out. I know its tiresome to be around "depressed" people.

I was listening to Barlow Girl's "Never Alone" song on the way in to work this morning. That is exactly how I feel. I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side. But I am holding on tight to what I know. The truth that I'm never alone. The truth that God does not forsake His children. The truth that God is love and that He works all things together for good for those who love Him. That I have a purpose. That despite how many times I fall, or how many times people slap me in the face...I will get up - I will stand up. Not by my strength, but by His strength. I will love with the love Jesus put in me. I will care because He cares. I will forgive because He first forgave me. I will keep trying until I can't try anymore, and then I will let God do the rest.

I may be broken right now, but I know this is where He wants me to be. I may not know why, but now He can truly mold me into the vessel for His purpose. They say things get harder before they get better. This hardship has been going on for years. It hurts like the dickens, but I believe there is something on the other side. Even when I'm alone and people have forsaken me, I need to remember that is not a manisfestation of God's love. I can only control my actions and attitude. I realize I wallow around a lot, but its because I'm scared and I don't feel capable of doing this on my own. So, I do look to others to help me and am sorely dissapointed time and time again. This is NOT the way it's supposed to be! I hope that my aches and pains and disappointments and hardships can be used for good rather than to continually be a strong-hold in my life; rather than to continually be a reminder of what a failure I am.

I hope that someone else can see and relate to these hardships and know that they are not alone in their struggles even if they feel like it. I recognize that this is not going to be easy...probably for the first time in my Christian experience. I thought somehow it was all blessings and goodness. Then I became fearful and thought anytime I opened my bible or went to church I would get bombarded with blasts from the devil. For whatever reason, these are my struggles. We all have our own - mine might be different from yours - but that doesn't mean its not any less real and any less difficult.

My encouragment is even when things are so unpredictable, when grief is unbearable, when the hurt is detremental, when the shame is engulfing, when the pain won't go away....and you can't feel God anywhere...hold onto the promises. Look to those seeds that were planted maybe when you were a child. What's your favorite bible story? What's your favorite verse? That's God talking to you. He never leaves you. He never forsakes you. He is true to His promises and won't let you down when everything else does. Hold on. Hold on.

Finding Satisfaction

I feel...happy....?! I'm surprised because usually the happiness is followed by a steep downward spiral and as long as I don't do anything too self-destructive or detrimental, I'll be back up in no time!

I've started to use a natural progesterone cream to see if it will alter my moods and relieve some of the craziness I go through the week before my period. I started a little over a week ago. It's so hard to know what my cycle is on. I use to know it by heart, but that was when I was running and active! This past year, my cycle has been all over the place especially a couple of times that I thought I was pregnant. It's crazy because when I'm late, it makes my PMDD episodes longer and much more out of control than normal. My body screams that it hates me and I in turn hate me!

I forgot to put the cream on Sunday because I took a day to rest. I got so down that day - that is where the poem came from. I keep telling Steve that I feel like there is something that happened to me that I can't remember. There are events that I have blocked out, but when I get super down and when my emotions go whack-o, I feel intense like I'm re-living a painful experience but I have no images in my head. I'm super sensitive to stuff that I watch on T.V. I cannot watch horror films. Psychological thrillers throw me into a flurried mess. Anything that has to do with intimidation, rape, abuse, and bullying seriously upsets me.

I started putting only half a pump of the cream on this week and it seems to be helping. A whole pump was making my chest tight and there was even a day where I felt I was having trouble breathing. I think I'm doing better now too because I actually have stuff to do at work...not just sitting here idly twirling my thumbs, letting my mind race and get the better of me.

It's so strange. When I'm feeling down - I want nothing more than to get it out and describe it and talk about it (even if no one is around to listen - that will just fuel me feeling down and out) but when I'm happy, it seems I take it for granted. I'm not even sure if I take it for granted, but its like I know it won't last very long so why even talk about it? Something that is so normal to most people - I have a hard time partaking in. I guess I would much rather listen to other people's stories and journeys than to tell my own. I would much rather the focus be on others than on me (even if I'm dying inside). I think its a fear of rejection and people leaving. I think as long as I can keep the focus on others, they'll be interested in me.

But I don't want to do that anymore. That is what got me into trouble and losing all of my friends in the first place. By focusing on them ALL OF THE TIME! It left no room for me. I was just there to offer praise and attention, not to offer a piece of me. I guess that's why I question who I am all the time. I question why anyone would want to listen to me or would want to actually be my friend. I've had people in my life - countless relationships - who tear me down, who feed on my weaknesses when I don't be and become just who they want me to be.

I still have no clue who I am...somedays I feel I'm getting closer to figuring it out, but not knowing is one of the reasons why I cling to my moods. They are real and prevalent and I can feel them. It's not healthy because I know they change often and by making decisions based off my moods...well...not always the brightest thing to do. But my moods are a big part of who I am. I always labeled myself as wishy-washy. The sign for Pisces are two fish swimming in opposite directions and that is the epitome of my life! Always wanting something else, always wanting to be somewhere else, always wanting to do something other than what I'm presently doing. Never satisfied.

I know I'm supposed to let Jesus be my satisfaction, but I'm not satisfied with the way Christians present themselves. I'm not satisfied with how we are supposed to be there for each other, but yet I was completely abandoned by people whom I called friends. Yes, I know here I go again with the past...but obviously something inside of me hasn't been validated and understood otherwise I wouldn't continually bring it up. I trust in God and I trust in Jesus, I just believe there is more than this. I don't know where it is and I feel like I'm waiting all the time. I just don't want to wait and have things pass me by. I want to enjoy my happy times even if they are few and far between right now. I want to enjoy what life has given me even if its not what I want at all. I'm just not satisfied and I'm not sure how to find that satisfaction...

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"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ." I Corinthians 12:12

I constantly get on myself for not being like everyone else. This is a DAILY struggle for me and Facebook makes it that much more prevalent in my life. I see people who have already finished their degrees in the "average" time it takes - I have not. I see people having babies - I have not. I see people who are doing great things in ministry - I have not. I look at others and see all the things I have not done. I see people living out their lives, healthy and happy - I on the other hand must struggle with the torrents of PMDD. Why, oh why do we do this to ourselves? Why am I so insecure in who I am that I think it would be that much better to be in someone else's shoes when quite possibily they're thinking they'd like to be in my shoes (if you are...trust me, you don't want this life or my mind!)ugh!

"Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body." I Corinthians 12:15

I often times think I don't have anything to offer to anyone...especially the church. Being involved in music for so long, I thought that was my "calling". I thought that was my ministry. Once I got hurt, I didn't want anything to do with music for quite a long time. I had conditioned myself to think the hurt came from the music I was apart of and creating. I see the wonderful talent I'm surrounded by and think I'll never be able to do that and I'll never be able to live up to that. I use to want to write music. Oh, how I had a desire to write music...to be able to express my inner most emotions in a beautiful way - now that takes TALENT. The only song I ever wrote was called "Storm" and its an instrumental piece and it got torn apart by a peer because it never modulates. You would think after going to school to be a music major for 4+ years I would know what the heck I'm doing. I don't know chord progressions, I can't play the guitar, I can't improvise. I'm scared to death to improvise! I can read music, though. So what do I do with that? Just lay it to rest in the back corners of my closet collecting dust like I've done with my clarinet?

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable" I Corinthians 2:21-22

Indispensable? Really? How can we make other people feel like this? Because I know I certainly feel dispensable rather than INdispensable! That is what I want to do. Make people feel special and loved and let them know they're not alone and that God is there for them no matter what and that even if they feel no one on this earth loves them...I do! I want to build other people up and praise them for their accomplishments even if they think they're small and insignificant. That's what we are called to do.

"But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." I Corinthians 12:24-26

So, why do we so often throw people to the side when things get tough? Do we not want to allow people into our lives or do we not want to take the time to get intimate in others lives? If this is what we're called to do, why aren't we doing it?

We should be readily available to give to others before they even have to ask.
We should be readily available to pour out love, kindness and encouragment instead of judgement, bitterness, and hate.

We should be readily available to reach across the aisle and hold hands with each other...in the good times and in the bad.

I can't hold your hand unless you're willing to hold my hand too.

Tap, tap, tap...

I feel a tapping at my heart. I see it and feel it everywhere.

This past week, I have felt a need to do and create like never before. I want to give and to reach out. I've started to draw, but the more I start to draw the more images, vibrant and beautiful, flood my head.

I feel the need to hold the ones I love close at hand and let them know how much they mean to me.

I feel the need to be positive and reassure those that are in a tough spot because I know all too well what that is like.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling. It's a new and different sensation. I feel a stirring going on, but not sure how to describe it.

I am still struggling with going to church. I'm struggling with the same issues as usual. Not yesterday, but last week, I had an incredibly difficult time. Whenever I exercise it has a tendency to set my cycle back and I have to be cautious of this because I need to be aware due to my PMDD. Whenever I am late, my "episodes" have a tendency to rear their ugly heads after instead of before. That is what happened.

I get to church and I felt alone. Even sitting next to people on the praise team, I feel alone. I go sit in the sanctuary. I feel alone. I watch the hustle and bustle of the people fellowshipping around me, but never apart of it. I start crying. I tell myself not to. The more I tell myself not to, the more I start to cry. It's embarrassing because once I start crying - I can't stop! I get up and go to the bathroom, give myself a pep talk in the mirror. It will all be over soon. You're gonna be OK! I muster up the courage to go back out into the sanctuary and immediately start crying again. I go up and start singing praise and worship and try to whole-heartily get lost in God. It works and I stop crying...but once I have to go sit back down, I get immensely sad all over again.

The pastor's sermon was great and I got a lot out of it, but when he gave the alter call I didn't want to go. I decided to tell my inner monologue to shut its whiny mouth and go. Pastor said they were going to pray for people starting at one side and go to the other side. I went up at the last minute, and stood praying and believing God to restore me. Time goes by and finally I open my eyes and somehow I was the only person on that side of the church and everyone else was getting prayed for on the opposite side. I was crushed and quite literally pissed off. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, just hurt that I feel like yet again...I am alone! Always alone!

I got home and I told Steve that I was tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of surviving my life instead of living it. I don't understand why I'm constantly getting slapped in the face, but yet I feel like I have to be the strong one. I don't understand why I have to keep giving and not receiving. I don't understand why it's the same thing over and over and OVER again! What lesson am I not learning? What am I not getting? If someone could kindly point it out to me because I don't want to stay in this area of my life. I don't want to continue to deal with these things...but yet I am.

So, to cope - I started drawing this last week. There is a lot of emotion within me that wants and needs to get out. Do I think its any good or I'm gonna be the next Picasso, no, but it seems to be helping and it seems to be touching an area of my life that needs to be restored.

I'm looking for meaning. I'm looking for purpose and I don't view the world through the same eyes as you do. None of us do, but being a TCK and being a woman that deals with PMDD, my sights are different. My meaning is my Savior, but I don't agree with traditionalism. I don't agree with doing something because society says its what you're "supposed" to do. Church, right now, is like that for me. I'm not getting much out of it except to feel an incredible amount of anxiety and hurt. Will that change? I hope so. All I can do is work on my attitude and do what I do best...and that is to be me. I want to love people and help hurting people. I feel I do that best outside of the church - right now. I'm a hurting person and I'm not finding my healing in a place that is supposed to be my "Christian family". Am I looking at things the wrong way? Again, I don't know. But when the church doesn't look at issues such as depression, mood disorders, self-injury and try to understand... rather they slap a label of lazy, demon-possessed, or lack of faith on it.

I do not have a lack of faith. If anything, my trials have given me that much more faith because people have hurt me so much. If I didn't have faith in my God - I would have given up a long time ago. That's not to say that we don't all deal with our own thorns. These are issues, circumstances and insecurities I deal with on a daily basis and I don't want or need other people pushing them in further or harder.

All of that to say - I feel something brewing inside - tapping inside. Something is calling to me. I'm not sure what it is...but I'm curious to find out.

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” ~ Tom Krause

Mood: reflective

I went to church today for the first time in close to a year...yeah it's been that long. I know I'm supposed to be there and be getting involved but I have been hurt more times than I can count and this was an area i truly struggled with. I don't understand what happened to me starting almost six years ago now, but whatever it was I don't wish the pain, rejection, heart ache, depression, and sheer loneliness upon anyone...not even my worst enemy.
I went through such a long season of complete solitude and isolation. I lost so many loved ones and friends because they couldn't understand where I had "gone" to. It almost destroyed my marriage on numerous occasions and all I wanted and needed was for people to care and want to help and what did i get? I got rejection. I got misunderstanding. I got absolute nothingness most times. When you are going through something others don't understand, often times it's easier not to get involved at all.
When I was in the midst of my storm at Lee, I was called a faker and a liar. I was told I was acting out for attention. Obviously those comments hurt me more than most because they are the ones that stick out in my mind here six years later. I know I need to forgive and move on, but there is still pain. The sting of rejection still resides. So I'm scared that all church people will treat me like that.
I'm a very out-going person by nature but the pain and immense depression I experienced caused me to be weary. I'm skeptical of most people and feel like I will go through most of my life with people not giving a crap about me or my life. It's so hard to keep a smile on my face at times because all I want is to show others love and that they have a purpose...but I feel like I don't get that in my own life and it's hard to be the strong one all the time.
I guess the one hidden blessing in all of the unexplainable pain - the screaming and crying - the hurt and loneliness - is that I realized nobody will ever be able to give me what I need. Only God will be able to fill that void. I've also learned to try my hardest not to treat others the way i was tossed to the side like a bag of garbage. There were so many times I felt like I couldn't go on. There were so many times I hurt myself in addition to the hurt and pain I was already experiencing...i didn't know how long I could stand it or if it would even matter if I was gone.
Then I realized. It matters to God. I matter to God. Maybe to noone else but He is enough. He is all I need. So now when the monthly pains of my PMDD come upon me and I feel out of control and like I'm worthless and like nobody cares, I know my savior cares. And now I can care at an even deeper level for others.
I do have enough faith for God to heal despite what people at Lee said. I just now have a deeper empathetic stream running through my veins. I desperately want to help others and let them know they are not alone. If I can help others not go through or feel the way I did, I will have succeeded in this life. Our God is gracious and merciful. He never gives us more than we can handle and He gives us what we need in His timing.
Be encouraged and know you are never alone and that you are deeply and wonderfully loved!