Acceptance

I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to say.  When ideas come to me, they come as the whole (yet blurry) picture.  I have to then take time to try and dissect the whole down into detailed pieces.  So, if it seems like I’m rambling – bear with me as I try and talk out my thoughts and feelings.

Just this past week, I had a very bad meltdown (which I know now was due to PMDD) and it got exacerbated by what I think was a paradoxical effect of a medication I took.  I won’t go into much detail about that because that is not what this idea is about. 

For too long I’ve beat myself up for the meltdowns, for acting irrationally even though I try so hard not to.  I think “I must not be trying hard enough” or “I must be trying to sabotage myself and everyone around me by acting this way”.  Every time PMDD comes around, it feels like Ground Hog’s Day all over again; it feels like I’ve not gotten anywhere – I’m back where I was when all this horrible mess started.

 But that’s just not true.  Even with this disorder and any other disorder a person deals with, people grow and change.  I know that, but my head keeps telling me “yeah, but what about that old saying you are what you repeatedly do”?  And then I’ll be back down in the dumps feeding my depression when I am supposed to be on my good days.

Dealing with PMDD is such a conundrum because part of you wants to fight and beat it.  And the other part wants to give up.  There have been times that I completely deny I even deal with this disorder.  This is especially true on the good days because if I were to admit it, that would mean I’m weak.  It would mean that I’m fallible.  It would mean I’m not perfect. 

But none of us are perfect.  Honestly, if you went through the DSM you could probably diagnose everyone with SOMETHING!  Everyone has traits of some sort of disorder.  No one person is without problems and/or issues.

Then it hit me.  I’ve not accepted PMDD.  I’ve not accepted that I live and deal with PMDD.  Every month comes and I’m caught off guard like a deer in the headlights.  And for what?  To save face?  Pride?  Self-preservation…thinking I’m helping myself from getting hurt?  By not accepting this, I’m hurting myself more.

So, if I accept PMDD… will that make me worse off? 

Will it mean I’ve been labeled “broken,” “ruined,” “fragile,” “damaged,” or any other label your mind can conjure up? 

Will it mean I’ve given up fighting?

What does acceptance actually mean?

 

I would love to give you a simple break down of A, B, C or 1, 2 3 in acceptance and how to achieve it, but in all honesty, I’m going through this process right now.  I just recognized a couple of weeks ago that I had not accepted PMDD…truly accepted it.  There is a difference between knowing it’s going on, hoping it will disappear and understanding the disorder as well as yourself.

 

As I continue down this journey, I will share more.  There is something to be said about learning who you are.  If you accept PMDD, you will begin to discover who you are…who you really are deep down inside.

That is my next step in the acceptance process. 

Three Little Words - NOS

I am scared and don't know what to do. It's probably nothing - but so often I'm left alone with nothing but my thoughts. Those thoughts turn into bigger thoughts and then the bigger thoughts begin to cycle out of control until it contributes to anxiety and I feel like I'm losing control. I would rather not lose control. Because when I lose control, I feel like I lose all sense of accomplishment that I've made so far.

I've been taking Prozac, fluoxetine, since last July. I've been on many different types of medications. I've been diagnosed with many different things but always with those three little words - NOS. For those who may not be familiar with psychiatric disorders and/or labeling, NOS is the acronym for Not Otherwise Specified....or in laymen’s terms, we really don't know what you have so we're going to slap a general label on you.

I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar NOS with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and my newest and most recent diagnosis is Mood Disorder NOS....which is probably the broadest diagnosis a person can have.

What I have is PMDD. What I deal with is insecurity in who I am because I grew up differently from my American peers. I wasn't prepared for the transition that I was going to experience and instead of someone acknowledging that I was having transition difficulties; I got told I was demon possessed. I really wish I could let go of that, but that has messed with me more than I care to admit.

Back to why I'm scared.

So, I've been on Prozac for over a year now and it really seems to regulate my moods. It works really well for me the week before my period when I would normally have anxiety attacks and meltdowns. HOWEVER....once my period ends, my supposed "good time" has now completely switched on the medication. What's the point of being on medication if it helps one thing but creates another problem? In my case, my symptoms have just flip flopped.

Sure this may not seem like a problem, but it's incredibly frustrating to me. Over the course of 8 years, I've been on 7 different antidepressants, 2 anti-anxiety meds, 1 mood stabilizer, and 2 antipsychotics. I've tried intermittent dosing. I've tried a couple of medications together. I've tried going off medication for three years.

All of this to say, I'm not even thirty years old yet. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. And with all of this and the stress I've experience in my short lifetime, my cycle has NEVER been but a week late at MOST!

Since May, I've dealt with 2 complete missed periods and one really late start. Why now? Why all of sudden have all my symptoms been purely emotional. Why now is my body sabotaging me in this way too?? That's how it feels. I've been through the ups and downs of dealing with the stigma attached to PMDD and all the other stigmas attached to mental illnesses. I've been through the ups and downs of losing any and all friends and support. I've been through the ups and downs of wondering if I should try and help others or just ignore what I'm dealing with.

I started crying at work today because I just feel like I can't win. I try to be positive...and I try to be good and kind to others. All of that is overshadowed by my negative attitude and my lack of faith, especially faith in myself.

Not Otherwise Specified......let me tell you something specific about PMDD. It comes on you and creates havoc like you wouldn't believe. Then you have to try and pick yourself back up secretly hoping and wishing that you haven't made a bigger mess. Things appear to cycle just as your menses cycles. Hardly any relief.

I thought I was starting to get relief. The medication was helping me....and now, this. I count on knowing when my period is going to start. I count on knowing it because that is when my relief comes. That is when my sanity comes back. That is when I can relax, pick myself up and move forward again. Now that it’s not coming....I'm having more meltdowns....I'm having more anxiety and more paranoid fleeting thoughts. I want to stay strong, but I'm scared.

I'm so tired of dealing with this and now something new.
I'm so tired of fighting and then feeling like I'm getting nowhere.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have nobody that cares
I'm so tired of feeling inadequate.
I'm so tired of feeling like people look down on me.
I'm so tired of feeling like a monster in a cage.

I wish I had some real answers.  I wish I had some real specifics.  I wish I had more than just speculation and guessses to go off of.
 

Shedding Some Light on PMDD

I happened upon a great article!  And I am so glad to see that they are FINALLY bringing some awareness of the condition here in the states and Dr. Oz is a huge entity in the U.S.  I'm also glad to hear the author, who is a neuropathic doctor who specializes in the area of PMS and PMDD, has jettisoned the previous, highly talked about among extreme feminist groups, idea that PMDD isn't real or it is used as a sign of weakness. 

Those of us who deal with the condition know how far from the truth that is and how often we try and be "OK" (when we clearly are not!) due to the taboo of the subject.  I encourage you to keep doing your own research.  Try not to get discouraged by the lack of understanding that you may come up against and if you feel up for it, raise awareness!!!  You are not alone!!!

Check out Dr. Daniel Heller's article "PMDD: When PMS Interferes With Life and Living" on Dr. Oz's website.  Let me know your thoughts :)

Out of Step

I've always been one that enjoys change.  I like newness and something to look forward to.  Some people are really scared of change.  I admit, lots of change in a little amount of time can be incredibly overwhelming.  I think I did well with change when I was younger because I had constants in my life - my family unit and my religious beliefs.

Since coming back to my passport country, I've questioned both of my constants.  It's natural to progress away from your original family unit and it's healthy to question why you believe what you believe.  It's all a part of growing and maturing.  I didn't realize how important those two components were, though.  I continually search to have the life I use to have when I lived abroad and I just don't think that's going to happen.  I relied heavily on my constants to keep me afloat when things in my life changed.  So much of my identity was wrapped up in who my parents and friends saw and thought of me.  Now that I'm not around them, I feel peeled away and vulnerable and I especially feel like I'm not grounded at all. 

I think the reason I've had a difficult and prolonged time transitioning is because I didn't have time to truly dissect why I was going through all the anxiety and fear when I was first diagnosed with PMDD.  I was in the midst of the depression and I was just trying to survive.

Depression causes you to withdraw and push everyone away.  I've moved multiple times since living in the States and in doing that, I've nixed a lot of opportunities to have a support system.  I still have support - it's just the people I care most about are scattered all over the place. 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching, like I usually do, and I've tried to remember what makes me happy.  I'm happy when I'm helping others. I'm happy when I have newness and something to look forward to in my life.  My issue, though, is I'm expecting for others to understand and accept me now - the depressed, scared, vulnerable, identity-less me.  I've been looking for someone to seek me out and help me.  And that just isn't happening. 

Previously, I refused to become a chameleon because I felt I wasn't being true to myself.  I use to be really good at being a chameleon.  That's how I fit wherever I went.  That's how I fit when I met new people.  It's a great TCK trait.  But for whatever reason, I thought that trait was a negative.  The question that keeps popping up in my mind is - if it was such a bad trait, then why did I have so many friends?  Since I'm not using that technique anymore, I have little to no friends.  Makes a person think....

As stated previously, growing up, I was incredibly reliant on my family and friends to help mold my identity.  I don't see that as a bad thing, if anything the community I lived in was incredibly collectivistic.  Now, living in an individualist society, it's hard to fit in anywhere.  Everyone already has their family and friends.  It's difficult to make new friends when you live in a place where nobody ever really moves.  I'm trying, though. 

I often feel like these fish.  I exist in the world with other people, but it's like I live in an entirely different bowl, looking and longing to "be" in the same bowl as others. 

I guess where I'm at now is trying to decide if I want to continue to feel disconnected from my current state of being or if I want to do what I need to do to jive with the society I'm in.  I'm realizing more and more that my issues with PMDD and being a TCK are connected.  I'm trying really hard to find ways to flourish and truly live life instead of just surviving and constantly feeling out of step with everyone else.  What do you do to help yourself not feel so out of step?  Or do you ever feel out of step with others?   

Try Again

Closing yourself off.  Withdrawing from others.  Isolation.  All of these things come naturally when you're dealing with depression....but they're detrimental to any person's well being.

I've got a double whammy dealing with PMDD and also the cultural differences that come from being a TCK.  Both of these issues have made it difficult to thrive and exist happily in society. 

PMDD causes a woman to feel she is going crazy every month.  It makes her feel like nobody understands her - like she has no control over her thoughts and/or actions.  Because I didn't often understand my own moods, how could I expect anyone else too.  I became embarrassed and closed myself off from the rest of the world.

Being a TCK in my passport country has caused me a lot of heartache because I feel people are so segregated in the US.  A good majority of people don't know how to welcome newcomers and/or transplants.  Therefore, it's easy for a TCK to become isolated even if we have skills to jump into a new place.  I never had as difficult a time moving to different countries (granted, I only moved twice abroad) because there were always others in a similar situation that I was.  People were willing to open up their hearts to a newcomer and in turn, I did the same when I met newbies.  Here in the US, in my passport country, it seems there are a new set of rules that I haven't been privy too and I feel vulnerable and caught off guard so much of the time.  I feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be my home. 

Because of these two issues, it has been easy for me to close myself off from the rest of the world.  It has been easy to say, nobody gets me - who cares - what's the point.  There is a point, though.  And no matter how lonely it gets - no matter how hard it gets, you are not alone.

I was so hurt when I initially came back to the states, that I closed myself off from wanting to participate in everyday society.  I did what I needed to do to survive.  I got up every morning, went to my job, interacted if I had to, came home and stayed home.  This sort of living was not the person I was when I lived overseas.  I was very active in the community, always looking for something to get involved in.

I was a candy striper (volunteered at the hospital), I was in cross-country, I was in drama and plays, I was very active in music, I was our high school mascot, I was a bagger at the base commissary for three years (I would always sing to my customers at Christmas time to get better tips.  I don't know if they were paying me because they liked it or to get me to stop...haha!), I tutored, I babysat, I was involved in FBLA, NHS, my high school committee.  I took piano lessons from Gustaf and we often had recitals.  I always had something going on.  I felt apart of the community and that my life was a contribution rather than a nuisance or not worth anything.

Somewhere between dealing with the hardships of acclimating to the States and the onset of PMDD, I lost all grasp on the world that I knew.  It has felt like I've been falling down a black hole for a very long time.

I'm tired of closing myself off, though.  I'm tired of not believing in the person that I am because others don't understand me.  I'm tired of becoming defensive and hurt.  I'm tired being bored out of my mind because I've closed myself off to the possibilities of what could be.

Yes, I'm still incredibly sensitive to the fact that when I go to the gym, because I'm not there with other people from work or friends, the other people don't talk or interact with me.  But I'm an extrovert for crying out loud.  I'm going to weasel my way into people's lives because this other way that I've been living the past 9-10 years hasn't been working! 

I would just encourage other women with PMDD and others that are TCKs, don't close yourselves off.  I know there is a chance that you may get hurt and it's frustrating when you feel you're not understood or don't belong.  Just don't stop trying.  Stand up, brush yourself off, and try again.     

Stressed

Surprise, surprise.  I’m having a difficult time – yet again.  I don’t know if the difficult times every truly subside for me or I’m just able to focus on something else long enough to distract me from the pain that lingers inside due to feeling lost and displaced.

These past couples of weeks have been hard.  Mix that in with the fact that it is my PMDD time and women with PMDD should try really hard to relieve what stress they have in their lives.  I didn’t get much of a chance to do that.

We had a fire at our house on April 16^th.  Not too much damage was done, but the smoke was horrible inside the house and wasn’t livable.  We moved in with the in-laws for a bit and then decided to move into a hotel.  It was nice at first.  We were able to go down to the pool whenever we wanted (except on the days when they were having a cheer competition and little girls infested the entire place!!).  They have a really nice continental breakfast.  It kind of reminded me of all the summers of traveling. 

Then I had my interview for transferring to a new graduate school.  I can never gauge those things and I’ve never participated in a group interview before.  It was really intimidating and even more so when several of the students interviewing already go to the school.  I left an hour early from work to give myself ample time to grab some lunch and then find a parking spot.  I ate crap from KFC, which was all carbs and didn’t help anything (but what’s new, the hubby and I have been eating out a lot since the fire since we don’t have a kitchen and have a teeny tiny little refrigerator).  Then I was trying to find a parking space and I pulled up to go into a deck until I realized you had to have a student pass.  Well, obviously I didn’t and needed to back out.  There was a car that had pulled in behind me and I signaled for her to let me out.  She started flailing in the car and flicking me off.  I stopped traffic to back out.  I did that AGAIN in another parking area.  I called the graduate office to help me out and the student worker started spouting off road names and I was like, look – I don’t know this area at all.  Finally, I just parked in the faculty parking lot.  It was the only one that didn’t have a little gate down.  By that point, I didn’t care if I got ticketed.  I got up to the interview a MINUTE before it started at noon.  It was so nerve racking.

I think I did ok.

I just don’t know.  I have such a lack of confidence in myself.  The main reason I wanted to transfer is so that I could have a connection and an opportunity to network with people.  But the problem with changing something YET AGAIN, is having to start new and fresh.  Explaining yourself and your story all over again.  And every time I explain that I’m not from here, I get awkward silence and people’s body language tend to withdraw from me.  I don’t know if they think I’m better than them…but that couldn’t be further from the truth!  If anything, I’m so insecure and want people to know that I’m open and accepting, but because of the way I grew up, I’m shunned.  But yet if I don’t mention that, I get looked at weird because I’m not from here.  Just like I was expected to know the streets down town where I was trying to find a parking spot!  It’s such a catch-22 and it gets exhausting.

And this is why I feel defeated all the time.  This is why I feel lost and like a loser.  This is why I get fed up and want to sleep all the time.  I feel like if I was plucked from the face of this earth, it wouldn’t change the picture at all. 

It’s so easy for others to say, take medication and be better.  Guess what, I do take medication and it doesn’t take away the pain and reality that I feel like a misfit in society.

It’s so easy for others to say, go see a counselor and have them solve all your problems.  I’ve been to multiple counselors over the years who just don’t seem to understand that I struggle with cultural and identity issues along with hormonal issues that magnify these existing problems on a monthly basis. 

All I can do, sometimes, is get my thoughts and feelings out into the open.  I don’t know if it changes a single thing.  I don’t even think it helps me anymore.  But it’s the one thing I have left to do to keep my sanity.

Living vs Existing

Gah!  I have so many things I'm trying to decide what to do.  I've FINALLY figured out that I want to go into international education in higher education.  I'm looking to transfer to YSU and hoping if I get accepted that I'll be able to volunteer in the international department or at least get involved with the community somehow.

That's another thing I've been looking into.  I need to get involved in something.  I was volunteering for Reading for the Blind for a while.  I'm not really sure why I stopped.  I started to look on the Valley's website for more volunteer opportunities.  I know a big part of my problems stem from not feeling or being connected. 

Thinking back, I felt it was wise for us to move up to Ohio.  But by leaving and going to a new place, we had to get acclimated all over again.  Maybe my husband didn't because he grew up here, but I think he still had some adjustment issues.  We all do when we leave a place we call home and then try to come back to it.  It never really is the same.  We don't notice when we stay because we mold and change with the place.  It's only noticable when you leave.

Living up here for four years, we've been going to school and working.  And that's about it.  I'm so ready to do something new with my life....something different.  Obviously, having a job is a means of necessity.  Can't change that.  I have obligations now.  I have a family and a house.  We don't have children YET, but they'll eventually come along too. 

I need to find a way to appreciate and thrive in my life now instead of wishing it could be different.  The realizations I've come to about being a TCK have been refreshing and enlightening.  It's taken me a long time.  The realizations I'm coming to about PMDD are still coming into focus, and that's OK because it's a balancing act.  Now, it's time to take all of this information, accept it for what it is, and live my life.  I've been existing for so long.  Existing and living are two very different things.

It's all a matter of perspective and while my perspective is positive, I want to take full advantage of that!

Drowning

I feel like nobody cares.  Like I’m being swept away by nothingness and an abundance of emotions all at the same time.

I always find myself back in this spot.  Caring when others tell me not to.  Caring and expecting when I know nothing is going to change.  So it makes me want to scream and it makes me want to shake people….but I know it won’t make them give a damn about me or my problems.

All I want…all anyone really wants is to be loved.

All I want is to be acknowledged.

All I want is to know that I’m not alone in this world.

All I want is to know that someone cares about me – that someone misses me.

But all I’m left to face is emptiness.  All I’m left to face is people who already have their own lives and not enough space to welcome in another soul.  And I’m left with questions.

I question my worth.

I question my existence.

Am I worth loving?  Am I worth caring about?  Am I worth the breath that I breathe?

If I am, then why doesn’t anyone care and why must I continually walk this path alone?

If I am, then why when I’m hurting and need a kind word – all I get is silence. 

A person can only take loneliness for so long before it consumes them and ruins anything worthwhile. 

It seeps deep into their soul and turns all light black.  It seeps in and suffocates the life that use to be there.  It feels like I’m drowning and trying to desperately gasp for air…the air that will fill my lungs with life once again.

I hate feeling like I’m drowning Every. Single. Month.

I hate feeling like I have to survive Every. Single. Month.

I get tired of trying.

PMDD and Acculturation

I was looking through academic journals for articles about PMDD and I ran across one out of the Journal of Affective Disorders out of SciVerse on Science Direct.  The article spoke to me specifically because it was about PMDD and acculturation.  Now, the article was specific to ethnic women of minority status being acculturated in American culture.  While I am not of a minority ethnic background, being a TCK makes me feel like a minority or like an immigrant in my passport culture.  The summary of the abstract explained that “the stressors that are associated with the ethnic minority life in America – discrimination, poverty, pressures to assimilate, etc. – may contribute to ethnic minority women’s vulnerability to PMDD” (Corey et al., 2011).

I have not dealt with poverty, except the lifestyle that a poor college student deals with, but discrimination and pressure to assimilate are issues that I’ve been dealing with since I moved back to the U.S.  I’m discriminated and pressured against to assimilate because I’m an American and I should know current pop culture and should dress appropriately for whatever subsection of the U.S. I’m in.  American culture, specifically for women, is latent with sexual images.  Women are taught from a young age, usually subconsciously, that we are sex idols.  We are to dress sexy, act sexy, be sexy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a partial feminist deep down inside, but I believe there is more to a woman than her body.  Women have been suppressed for decades upon decades.  We’ve made great strides, but take a look in a magazine sometime.  How are women in the ads depicted?  Sexy?  Being chased by something mysterious?  A young/younger girl-type picture?  This is another issue for another time.  My point is, I did not fit into the American culture in many ways when I moved back.

I grew up in Bahrain and the Azores.  Bahrain is a country that is very different from the United States and women do not have the same rights or freedoms they do here.  Many of my friends wore abayahs and when I turned 12, I could no longer where short-sleeve shirts.  That was the culture I was surrounded by.  I was convinced that wearing spaghetti strapped shirts was wrong because it showed off my bra straps.  So, ultimately, I was showing off my underwear!  This may sound absolutely ludicrous to some, but this was my reality.

When we moved to the Azores, I was not permitted to go and socialize in the clubs or discos.  If I had, maybe I would have been introduced to a more liberal way of life.  I understand why my parents wanted to keep me from that lifestyle.  A lot of it had to do with their Christian values.

So, I thought it appropriate to go to a Christian school when I graduated high school.  The problem is, just because we had faith in common….it wasn’t enough.  I still did not fit in with my peers.  For all intense purposes, I was a nerd and I didn’t think I would have to conform.  I was accepted in the other places that I lived even though I was different in many aspects from my friends.   

I’ve heard so often that your true friends will appreciate you and accept for who you are and if they don’t, then they’re not your friends.  That’s great when you’ve had several years to acclimate to a location or the time to develop relationships over an extended period of time.  However, moving away to college is a time in your life that you make new friends.  I made friends, but then I lost them because of PMDD.  So, in many ways I am like the ethnic minorities. 

The article also discussed that "foreign-born ethnic minorities have a mental health advantage over  US-born ethnic minorities that is attributable to certain protective factors engendered by immigrants' attachment to their country and culture of origin.  Research links these culturally-specific protective factors, namely strong social support networks, family cohesion, and religiosity, to positive mental health outcomes among minority populations".

So, I did fine when I was an "immigrant" or "expat" living overseas because I did have what the researchers were discussing.  I had a close support network with my parents, as well as other school teachers and their kids, and I had a strong religious background.  The article does not discuss anything related to immigrants moving back to their homelands but discusses that the US born minorities have a more difficult time because they are expected to assimilate.  I relate to this because I'm expected to be an all-American girl and in a lot of ways I've lost touch with my upbringing due to wanting to fit in.  It's not even remotely fair to say be yourself....there is a need for all people to fit into the bigger picture, to feel a sense of cultural or societal acceptance.  My lifestyle and the aspect of acculturation probably have played a big role in my PMDD. Stress plays a HUGE role in PMDD and can you image the stress that I've dealt with not being able to relate and integrate into the society that is supposed to be my own? 

So, where to go from here?  I’m still figuring that out, but a good start is to find others with whom I have things in common.  It was just an interesting observation.  It makes me feel better to discover these sorts of things.

References

Corey E. Pilver, Stanislav Kasl, Rani Desai, Becca R. Levy, Exposure to American culture is associated with premenstrual dysphoric disorder among ethnic minority women. Journal of Affective Disorders, Volume 130, Issues 1–2, April 2011, Pages 334-341,

Finding Happiness With a Chemical Imbalance

Sometimes, when people have chemical imbalances such as depression and PMDD, it can be difficult to find and maintain happiness.  Step into the shoes of women that deal with PMDD for a moment.  What do we look forward to?  We know that every single month, without doubt, anger, sadness, depression, irritability, among additional physical pains will be popping up to wreck their havoc on us.  Don’t you think that gets tiring?  Absolutely.  The disorder already conjures up depression on a monthly basis, but the cyclic pattern and knowing that it’s coming back around again also contributes to depression and not feeling very happy.  So, what happens is that many women with this disorder develop long-term depression (this is not a scientific fact just knowledge I’m going off of talking and discussing the issue with other women that also deal with PMDD) and feelings of hopelessness and a lot of unhappiness.

So, how can we curb this?  Being that it is a chemical imbalance, some medication may be required.  However, there are other things that an individual can do to help their well-being and mind set.

I had the opportunity to take a class called Happy Talk and two things I’ve learned about finding happiness involves finding “flow” and being “mindful”. 

A lot of research has been done about obtaining happiness.  It is said that happiness is subjective and relative.  Many people think that if they made more money, they would be happier.  That’s not always the case.  Brickman et al. (1978) explains that lottery-winners and people who have recently become quadriplegic don’t see much of a change in their happiness level as one might expect. 

Another bit of research states that people who are more extroverted have a greater chance at happiness (Lucas, 2008).  Also, those who have personality traits such as conscientiousness, agreeableness, self-esteem, and optimism warrants the ability to basically be happier than those that are introverted or without the traits just mentioned (Lucas and Diener, 2008).

Ok, so what happens if you’re introverted and you may not be optimistic or have the best self-esteem.  Introversion is a personality trait, yes, but there are things that a person can do within their comfort zone to present themselves to a more social atmosphere that an extrovert may encounter.  Find a support group.  Allow yourself the opportunity to tell your story.  Talk with people you trust and if you don’t have any, find some.  If you feel you’re not good with people, there are things you can learn to help you out.  There are social skills that can be learned.  Make sure you start small.  And keep in mind that everyone has a story and many times people just want to be heard and want someone to be interested in them.  You’d be surprised to find out that not everyone is bad or not trustworthy!

So, back to finding “flow” and being “mindful”.  What is flow?

Flow is the state you're in when you are fully engaged in a task that is interesting, challenging, and intrinsically rewarding to you. This is the experience of "losing yourself in the moment" or, as sports players say, "being in the zone." (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990; 1998).  Flow can also be stated as finding your purpose and living out that purpose fully.  The first step to finding flow is to find out what your skills are.  Don’t compare yourself to others, this is about you and what you may be good at not what society, your parents, your teachers, or anyone else expects of you.

With that being said, I’m going to jump back for a moment and make sure that you understand that happiness is often based on expectations, as well (Gilbert, 2008).  By allowing yourself to lower your expectations about certain things, you’ll be allowing yourself the opportunity to experience happiness.

So, how do you obtain flow? 

After you figure out what your skill set is, challenge yourself.  Do something you’re good at but push it to the limit.  Don’t push it too far because you might become discouraged and give up altogether.  If you’re in a job that is boring or that you don’t like – consider getting another job.  If that is not feasible, challenge yourself in your job.  Make your own goals.  Make up games.  Make the job interesting.  Only you will truly know how to do that.

What is mindfulness?

 Mindfulness is paying attention to your situation, your actions, and your feelings.  This can take practice, too.  It means to slow down in the business that we can often get caught up in.  It means not allowing consumerism to take over our lives because now you know, these things ultimately won’t bring you happiness.

It’s about finding others, interacting with others, finding something you can get lost in the moment with and being mindful of yourself and your situation.  I’m going to give these things a try.  If you’ve had experience with any of this, I would love to hear your feedback!

References

Brickman, Coates, & Janoff-Bulman (1978). Lottery winners and accident victims: Is happiness relative? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36: 917-927.

Csikszentmihalyi (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York: Harper and Row.

Csikszentmihalyi (1998). Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement With Everyday Life. Basic Books.

Gilbert (2006). Stumbling on happiness. New York: Knopf.

Who Knows Better?

Who knows better, you or the doctor?  You would hope your doctor....

Every time I've gone to see my doc, he doesn't give me very much information as to what he thinks I'm dealing with.  That implies to me that he isn't quite sure.  I know what it is!  It's called PMDD!  I've known it for the past 6 years!!!  And when I get stressed out, I have a tendency to get depressed (shown through my anger and irritability). 

Why can't medical professionals just acknowledge that this is a real thing?!?!

My doctor prescribed me abilify along with my antidepressant.  I wasn't sure what it was.  It's considered an atypical anti psychotic (which sounded kinda heavy duty to me!).  When I researched it, it's a medication that is typically used for patients with schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder.   It can also be used for patients who aren't responding that well to their antidepressant.  It's suppose to augment the affects.

I've been on it now for three weeks today.  Ok, that's a lie.  I didn't take it last night and I had very good reason for it.  I, in no way, condone ignoring what a doctor prescribes.  But I am an advocate for understanding your own body and how you react to medications.

I was on lithium for over a year several years ago.  That is a time in my life that I barely remember anything.  I started to feel like that again.

The first week was ok, the depression had subsided.  But my menstrual cycle hasn't begun, so now I'm freaking out about if I'm pregnant or not.  I've taken two pregnancy tests so far and both have come back negative.  Last night was rough!  And when I say rough, I mean - my brain was having a hard time functioning.

My hubby and I got into a fight over some finances.  The stress of the fight got me really worked up.  I started screaming and crying and when he wanted to leave, I freaked out even more.  I don't do well when my loved ones want to leave me alone.  Anywho, from that point on I could barely formulate sentences and was exhausted trying to carry a conversation.  That's ridiculous for someone who doesn't typically have a hard time talking, thinking, or feeling.  Last night was an extreme to how I've been feeling the past two weeks.  It's affecting my job and I need to be on the ball and need to be able to explain concisely what I'm doing and why.

Because of these factors and the fact that I've been on a mood stabilizer and had a negative experience with it in the past, I decided to just take my antidepressant and not the abilify.

I already feel tons better today.  My mind seems to be quicker and sharper.  I'm tired, but that's because of the emotional outburst that happened last night.  Other than that, I'm quite alert mentally.

So, who knows better?  Me....or my doctor?

I'll take some Prozac, with Abilify and sprinkle some Xanax on the side...

I just realized that I've been on 10 DIFFERENT medications for my PMDD in the time span of 7 years.  That's sad.  I'm not even 30 years old yet.  And honestly, I feel like that is a problem.  I went for 3 years medication free until I had a relapse, but I'm realizing how stress plays a huge, and I mean HUGE, part in this disorder.  For more info, go here (type in stress in her search box) and read this article.

Man, I get so aggravated at myself.  You think I would know this by now, but it's like a light bulb just went on.  TADAH!  Stress really triggers your moods, Megan.  Stress is really not a good additive when you're in PMDD phase.

My friend and I were talking about how our doctor's pretty much blow us off when we bring any sort of self-found material into their office.  God forbid a person try to understand themselves and what might be beneficial to their health.  Oh, no.  You're encroaching on their precious territory and it becomes almost like we're showing them up.  Have you ever experienced this?  So, instead of listening to you....you get a fast food pharmacy instead. 

So, what do you want for it?

The oh, so infamous question. 

What do I want for it??? 

Well, first, I would love for you to listen to me.  Second, I would like for you to look at me.  And third, I would like to know if you know any other alternatives to what I can do to help myself besides pumping umpteethbagillion different drugs through my body.  That's what I want!!!! 

This is EXACTLY why I went stopped seeing doctors and stopped all medication for three years.  Was it hard?  Oh, yes.  Was it miserable every. single. bleeping. month?!  Oh, yes.  But did I feel true to myself the other parts of the month?  YES!  And that's the difference.

I don't want a smorgasbord of drugs.  I get that they're there to help, but when your doctor realizes that one medication, two medications, three medications, etc aren't working.....wouldn't you think they would be smart enough to figure out that maybe - just maybe - that's not the fast fix they're looking for?!

I shouldn't be as surprised as I am at how easy it is to get whatever drug you want.  I just would hope that doctor's have some human-ness left to their souls and would think about their patients' health and not always about the money.  A girl can dream right?

Needing Change

Life feels like such a joke - such a farce.  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is consistent.

Everything I thought was real isn't.  Many of my religious beliefs have come from different religions and paganistic beliefs.  Christmas isn't even on Jesus' birthday. 

The way I grew up isn't even remotely a part of my existence now.  How the hell am I supposed to cope and deal with that??  The farther away I get from those times in my life, the harder life seems to get.  Like I'm trying to make it stand still, but we all know it can't.

So, I turn to what makes me comfortable.  Change.

Everything I've done seems like I've done it for the wrong reason. 

I jumped on the ball to start getting my masters because I felt like it took too long to get my undergrad.  PMDD played a huge role in me having to withdraw early from my first school.  So did trying to deal with feeling like I had no roots.  I'm not been the same since.

I jumped on the ball to go to a Christian college thinking I had to make up for not being able to graduate from the first Christian college.  It's a great school, but I feel like I'm back where I always end up.  Withdrawn from people. 

I deactivated facebook.  Now I'm withdrawn from more people.

When I'm hurting, I withdraw but it never helps.  It just solidifies my fears that people aren't around and they don't care to be around.  I shouldn't generalize like that because there are a very small handful, less than five, that have called and checked in on me.  It should be enough but all those people aren't here.  They are not tangible just like everything else in my life seems.  It all seems fake or dead.

I have ideas of things to change, but it's dependent upon other situations. 

I called my doctor and have another appointment this upcoming Thursday.  I just met with him last Monday.  I just can't shake this.  Everything seems cold and dead to me.  Nothing feel right. 

In light of what my counselor suggested, I'm writing openly and will always end or "sign-off" with something positive.

I'm super excited about buying the rest of everyone Christmas presents.  I've been trying to make a lot of gifts and planning isn't always easy for me, but I've got all the materials needed to get started.  I love creating.  I love seeing ideas become tangible - it's fun and exciting.

Peace

The same word has been popping up all over the place.  Peace.

I hear it in the Christmas music.  Peace on Earth.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace. 

I hear it in country music (that I'm forced to listen to - not by my own accord!)  Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.

I read in my devotion last night.

Peace is something I've been searching for for a long time.  What does it mean to be at peace?  What does this peace feel like?

I've been carrying around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years.  I've been carrying around burdens that are not my own.  I've been carrying around things that I long told God I would give to Him - that He's asked me to give to Him.

So many people in this world are hurting from so many different things.  Many people don't feel like anyone gives a crap about them, that no one cares to know who they are or what they have to offer. 

What does peace have to do with that?  I'm not sure.  I'm still trying to put all these thoughts and feelings together.

Dealing with PMDD has not allowed many peaceful times.  It feels like I'm always picking up broken pieces - pieces that I've broken, pieces of my heart, pieces from shattered relationships.  No time to truly mend and heal.  No time to bask in peace. 

I still don't know what it looks like.  I don't know what it feels like.  But I feel like I'm closer than ever to finding out.

Isolation

Any little attempt to be happy is squelched by the reality that is my darkness.

It follows me, it latches on, and it never truly lets go.

It hurts.  This constant pain that is weighing me down.

This constant rejection.

Isolation is my only comfort.  Isolation is my only friend.

It's familiar and safer.

The darkness looms. 

The emptiness grows.

Peace comes in solitude.  Peace comes facing the reality of my darkness.

They don't know.  They can't know.  They will never understand. 

They will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.

Airing my lonely heart out on the sleeves of vulnerability

Crushed by the nonexistence

Torn by the absence

Accepting the detriment

Isolation is my only friend.

Here comes the "PMDD" again

You know the Eurythmics song "Here comes the rain again"....just switch some of the words around and make into a tragedy song instead of a love song and that is how I feel today.
Here comes the "PMDD" again....
Here comes the "anger" again....
Here comes the "tears" again....
Here comes the "paranoia" again...

Don't talk to me....but if you don't I'll be sad
Don't hug me....but if you don't then I'll be mad
Just hate me like I know you do
Just give me a couple days until this is through

Yeah, that's how I feel yet again.

What really got me in a tizzy is my brain thinking too much. I seem to have a tendency to do that during this time of month. Either the hamster is working over time or he's taking a nap upstairs in his wheel. Today he seems to be reeling out all sorts of anxiety-like thoughts.

When I first went through my string of doctors, I was diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder. Every once in a while, I'll do research and look stuff up to see why I was diagnosed as such. From my findings, I understand why I have traits of BPD. I'm insecure, I fear abandonment, I get super anger and impulsive, and I've very confused about who I am a lot of times because of everything I've been through and/or being a TCK.

I just get to thinking - what the heck is wrong with me? Will I ever just be OK? Will I ever be able to live out a happy, healthy life without always feeling like I'm in the wrong one way or another? Will I ever feel like I'm enough? Will I ever feel like I have people who love me and care about me even though I'm told everyday? What is enough for me? What am I expecting? And most importantly...why am I like this?!

If I don't get some of this out - I will implode and I would much rather not go back to my old tactics of coping.

These are the times I wish I had a magic wand so I could bop myself on the head to either make the thoughts go away or just knock myself unconscious for a while so that I will wake up when this junk passes. Le sigh...

It must be so nice for "normal" people to live out their lives not questioning their everyday existence. I wonder what that's like. It must be so nice for women to go through this time of month with little to no repercussions. It must be so nice to not be a woman! It must be nice to have your family live right down the road. It must be nice to think you're an awesome person. It must be nice to not have your moods fluctuate on you every couple of weeks. It must be nice to know what strength and courage is. It must be nice to know how much you are loved and feel secure in it.

Don't ask me who that's directed towards, I just feel like spouting off. I'm feeling sorry for myself and just angry. It's what I do....

I guess instead of here comes the PMDD again, I should say here IS the PMDD again. Seesh.

Breaking the Stigma - The Down and Dirty about my PMDD Story

I have a mood disorder. I am not afraid to tell people anymore. People need to be aware and they need to be educated. There is such a negative stigma attached to the term "mood disorder". Depression is viewed negatively in the church - it is viewed as laziness and an action that can easily be controlled. I am here to say, it is not that easy to switch gears when you have a chemical imbalance.



The term "bipolar" has come a long way in being accepted in our society. Is there still a long road for people that suffer with that disorder, absolutely! But there is much more awareness about the disorder.

I have PMDD - Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. I have a chemical imbalance. When my hormones shift, it causes a shift in my thoughts, my moods, my actions. There is research about PMDD, but not a lot. Most of the medical profession still do not widely accept this term even though it is listed in the DSM IV. My own psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Mood Disorder NOS which is is the most basic, generic diagnoses out there. I'm hoping to get him to change the diagnosis once he sees how well I've been doing.

I've been through the ringer with doctors. I've been misdiagnosed because the medication I was on caused adverse reactions. I took myself off everything completely and had been medication free the past three years. However, it didn't take the PMDD away.

Every month, like clock work, I would sink into the depression. The anger would well up inside of me. Every little thing would frustrate me and push me to my breaking point. I couldn't handle stress. I couldn't handle being around people. I thought the world hated me. I would hide from everything and everyone. I thought in generalities instead of rationally. I would wake up feeling like something bad was going to happen to me. I couldn't shake the feeling and I would go throughout the day just trying to simply live. I would try so hard not to cry where people could see me. I would try so hard to be strong and tell myself that NOTHING was wrong! It was ALL in my head!! I'm NOT crazy!!!

Every month, two days before my cycle would start, I would have complete emotional outbursts....my PMDD meltdowns. It would be the simplest thing to set me off. I can't even recall what it was that set me off, but I can remember the devastating after effects. I would cry and scream and hyperventilate (sometimes scream so hard that it would make my nose bleed) - feeling the world crashing down upon me. Feeling the room closing in on me. Feeling that my life was going to end at the detriment of my own hands because I couldn't bear to go on one more day like this.

I would throw things, break things, scream, cuss, flail, cry....so much crying. I would put holes in the wall and hurt myself. I could not control it. Like a little kid, scared and alone, lost in a sea of raging emotions.

I could not control it because that's what PMDD does. It makes you question everything and everyone. It makes you feel like you're a crazy loony. It makes you feel like everyone hates you and nobody will ever understand you. It makes you hate everything and everyone one minute and feel completely alone and ashamed the next. It's a vicious, un-ending cycle.

You get through the month, feeling beat up and bruised mentally and emotionally (sometimes physically, too!). You make it to your good days and then remember the hell you just went through. Then the questioning and shame fall upon you. If you're lucky enough to forgive yourself and move on...here it comes yet again!

I love the way Ericka Kroll describes PMDD in her blog, PMDD - Hard to Endure Harder to Explain. She says "The crashes are devastating, the return to normalcy is suspicious and all-too-short. It’s like a roller coaster that doesn’t let you off."

There is still not a lot of information about what causes PMDD. They think it's serotonin levels dropping dramatically when the hormones shift. New research believes that child abuse may have some ties to PMDD.

With that being said, women that have PMDD are very sensitive and very vulnerable - even more than your average woman. We deal with our minds and our bodies beating us up on a consistent basis and many of us have dealt with the pain of abuse in our past.

It only affects about 3-8% of women! THAT'S IT!!! There are so few of us and PMS already gets a bad rap from most men and the rest of society...how are we ever going to get the support and help we need?

That's why I'm tired of being silent. I've sat around with PMDD for the past 7 years telling myself that nothing is wrong. I don't have a mental health disorder. It's all in my head. I can control this. But I can't. If I could, I would have by now. I ended up in the hospital over 10 times in 2006 alone. I ended up back in the hospital this year...just two months ago. I could not handle life's stresses. I did not feel a need or want to continue living my life. But I sought help.

I also said no to doctor's that wanted to push medications I had never heard of. I've said it time and time before, we know our bodies better than anyone else. It took me this long to learn to advocate for myself. It took me having to go through hardships, misdiagnosis, incorrect medications, terrible losses, horrible feelings to realize I can be more than this!

I want to help others understand that PMDD is a real and prevalent issue. I am one person and all I have to share is my own experience, but sometimes all it takes is one small pebble to create a ripple effect.

Not everyone that has PMDD may feel the urge to speak out, and that's ok. Not everyone that reads this will get it or even care, and that's ok. We are all at different stages. I have lost so much of my life because of PMDD and I have nothing more to lose. Others have rejected me because of their own fear of the unknown. However, I am not ashamed of who I am because I am wonderfully made in the image of God. God created us all with a purpose, so I am here to break the stigma by exposing my own story of PMDD.

Dancing in the Rain

I don't want to add more sadness to the world. I don't want to add more troubles than there already are. I don't want to be a bother or a nuisance. I want to help. I want to heal. But the pain will not subside. Am I lonely because I withdraw or because people genuinely don't want to be around me? This is more than my PMDD. But it started with my PMDD.

It started because I was put on wrong medication. I was misdiagnosed. I went through nasty side-effects. I moved away to regain my strength and my life. But I needed to heal from another wound created on top of dealing with the disorder of PMDD.

I had a "relapse"...that's what I'll call it, however I've never felt suicidal not being on medication...and being in the hospital made me feel like I was starting back at square one. I was re-living all the previous pain, all the previous humiliation, all the previous misunderstanding. The only thing that changed was my level of fear. I wasn't scared. I chose to seek help even though I don't feel I received help. I chose to go to the hospital. I chose to find a doctor. I'm choosing whether or not I want to be on medication. Before I didn't feel I had a choice. I left everything in the hands of strangers. We have a choice. We have the choice to educate ourselves about what is going on. We have a choice to find another doctor if we don't feel they are the right one. We have a choice to live this life to the fullest.

I am miserable right now. I feel continually lost and alone. I know I'm not alone in my journey, but my faith waivers when I've been surrounded by emptiness for years upon years. The edges become blurry and I don't know if my actions are creating reactions or if this is reality. I feel boxed in and suffocated. I want to break free.

Four corners
More corners
Boxed in
Caged

Locked up
Suffocating
Closed in
Ashamed

Looking out
watching reality pass by
The beauty out there
The misery in here
Longing to die

The rain begins to fall
Cool and serene
Look! She's dancing, she's dancing
It's washing her clean

She's living, she's healing
It's so captivating
She's moving, she's thriving
It's so motivating

She stomps
She pounds
She jumps
She spins round and round

How did she get there
Why am I still in here
I want to be

Breaking free
Carelessly
Dancing in the rain

There are always doors
That you may never have seen
Because you were busy looking out the window
Longing for things that could have been

You too can dance in the rain
Dance despite the shame or the pain
Now is your chance to break the chain
Open your door and watch what you'll gain

Your life, your happiness
Your sanity
Your smile, your joy
At last you are free

The answers lie within us. We just have to believe enough in ourselves to realize that the door to unlocking our happiness has been there all along. It is different for each person. Believe. Break the chain. Break the stigma. Know that you are free. You nor I are bound by an illness, or a label, or a circumstance, or a situation. We are so much more. We can dance despite the rain. We can dance in the rain.

In the Darkness

I don't know how much longer I can hang on - to keep doing and being the same. Consistency is necessary for most, but when the constant equals a state of hell...I don't want it to be a part of my life.

I'm tired. It sounds like the boy who cried wolf. I'm always back in this place, engulfed by the darkness. But as it comes in its consistent way every single month without prevail, it is chipping away at my hope and I'm growing so weary.

I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of caring. I'm out of shape to run this race of life and I want to sit out. I want to be done. I don't see the point of doing the same things over and over. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

I know there are people out there that have it worse off than me and I always feel horrible if I voice my complaint. But I keep it bottled up and then it explodes. Every time it...I...explode, I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and trying to start again. Why start again if it's just going to happen over and over?

Life will go on. People will move on. How do they know...how do I know what a true cry for help is? I don't know if I'm going to choose life or choose to give up. I've fought for so long. I've fought for so long on my own and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying.

I've been looking and searching for some sort of meaning, but I haven't found it. Everything seems so superficial or what society deems acceptable. I don't want to play the universe's game any longer.

Anything that we don't deal with or believe ourselves is usually seen as "weird" or "wrong" or "dangerous". Look how we use to treat left-handed people. Look how we treated any person with a color other than white. Why does everybody have to do it our way? Why can't we accept people for the diversity they bring to the table? Do you realize if we were all the same what a boring world this would be? I refuse to be another consumerist barbie doll. But because I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm left groping for some sense of belonging. I'm left grasping at empty air all because I won't conform. But I can't because I don't belong anywhere. I'm not fully American and I'm not fully the other countries I lived in. Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? I've searched for some sort of identity, but I come up empty-handed every time.

If a choice is made, what amount of medication is going to truly change that? All it will do is make the person a vegetable; an empty shell moving through the motions dictated by the medical professionals of it's culture. That's not a way to live. I've been there and done that. Counselors have manipulated my memories and treated me like a machine instead of a living, breathing, emotive human being. Medication has made me into a monster, taken away my sanity, erased my memories. Why would I look to that again for help?

God...I don't know where He is. We, as Christians, are supposed to be His example on Earth. However, I've been ripped apart by fellow Christians. I've been scolded, chastised, reprimanded, accused of being demon-possessed. Is it inhuman to question God? Is it inhuman to want to know where He is, what He's doing? I don't go to church anymore because I feel it is a clique. It is another minority culture within the bigger American culture and if you don't do and say things just the way they think you should, you are ostracized.


Maybe my moods will shift tomorrow and it will all be better, but it hasn't yet. I've steadily been feeling like this now for almost 3 weeks and due to PMDD time - I'm sinking deeper into the darkness. When is it too far? When is it too late? But that's not really your concern, is it? Life will go on with or without me. Life will go on and maybe one day I'll find the light and be at peace, but right now I'm wandering aimlessly through the darkness.

My Wishy-Washy Ways

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks. I could probably blame the majority of it on being utterly exhausted, but I'm feeling a lot of uneasiness in the sense of belonging. I recognize my emotional state becomes very sensitive when faced with stress, not enough sleep, and eating the wrong kinds of foods (ie too much sugar and/or caffeine). Most people can handle being out of their routine for a little while before it affecting them, but I'm affected in a major way.

I haven't felt this down and out in quite some time. In fact, I haven't had such a jolt in my mood that wasn't premenstrual since being on medication. It's disturbing enough to question your worth and existence for a day or two and tell yourself it'll be over with and you'll be back to "normal" in a couple of days. That's a monthly occurrence. But to feel estranged, sad, indifferent, and hopeless for almost two weeks straight is disheartening.

I wonder where the line is drawn. Is it because I've been out of my routine? Is it hormone related? Is it TCK syndrome rearing it's head making me feel I'll never be accepted in my current culture? Or is it a combination?

I've always been wishy washy and I've always questioned things. Lately, I've been questioning a lot more. Why do I believe in what I do? Where is God? Why do we follow tradition? Because it's what society tells us to do? What if we get out of sync with society...will we ever be accepted and able to function on our own without peer approval? Or is it so engrained within us to have the acceptance of others? To belong to something. To have an identity somewhere. What if you don't fit in anywhere? You've been completely alienated. Do you quit questioning, conform, and just exist to get by? Or do you make a new path?

I feel like I don't belong. This isn't new. It's become a lot more prevalent and in my face than I would like to endure, but it's a truth. So I can continue to be upset or I can accept the facts and learn from it. I can accept what God has given me and make something out of it. I can accept that I will struggle on a monthly basis because of PMDD and learn to help others. I can accept that not everyone I meet will like me or accept me, but I can still be kind to them and shower them with love and acceptance. I can learn to make a new path.

Despite my wishy-washiness, I just have to believe there is a reason for all of this. I just have to believe that good will come from all of this. I have to keep fighting. I have to keep enduring. I don't know why, but this isn't over yet.