Dancing in the Rain

I don't want to add more sadness to the world. I don't want to add more troubles than there already are. I don't want to be a bother or a nuisance. I want to help. I want to heal. But the pain will not subside. Am I lonely because I withdraw or because people genuinely don't want to be around me? This is more than my PMDD. But it started with my PMDD.

It started because I was put on wrong medication. I was misdiagnosed. I went through nasty side-effects. I moved away to regain my strength and my life. But I needed to heal from another wound created on top of dealing with the disorder of PMDD.

I had a "relapse"...that's what I'll call it, however I've never felt suicidal not being on medication...and being in the hospital made me feel like I was starting back at square one. I was re-living all the previous pain, all the previous humiliation, all the previous misunderstanding. The only thing that changed was my level of fear. I wasn't scared. I chose to seek help even though I don't feel I received help. I chose to go to the hospital. I chose to find a doctor. I'm choosing whether or not I want to be on medication. Before I didn't feel I had a choice. I left everything in the hands of strangers. We have a choice. We have the choice to educate ourselves about what is going on. We have a choice to find another doctor if we don't feel they are the right one. We have a choice to live this life to the fullest.

I am miserable right now. I feel continually lost and alone. I know I'm not alone in my journey, but my faith waivers when I've been surrounded by emptiness for years upon years. The edges become blurry and I don't know if my actions are creating reactions or if this is reality. I feel boxed in and suffocated. I want to break free.

Four corners
More corners
Boxed in
Caged

Locked up
Suffocating
Closed in
Ashamed

Looking out
watching reality pass by
The beauty out there
The misery in here
Longing to die

The rain begins to fall
Cool and serene
Look! She's dancing, she's dancing
It's washing her clean

She's living, she's healing
It's so captivating
She's moving, she's thriving
It's so motivating

She stomps
She pounds
She jumps
She spins round and round

How did she get there
Why am I still in here
I want to be

Breaking free
Carelessly
Dancing in the rain

There are always doors
That you may never have seen
Because you were busy looking out the window
Longing for things that could have been

You too can dance in the rain
Dance despite the shame or the pain
Now is your chance to break the chain
Open your door and watch what you'll gain

Your life, your happiness
Your sanity
Your smile, your joy
At last you are free

The answers lie within us. We just have to believe enough in ourselves to realize that the door to unlocking our happiness has been there all along. It is different for each person. Believe. Break the chain. Break the stigma. Know that you are free. You nor I are bound by an illness, or a label, or a circumstance, or a situation. We are so much more. We can dance despite the rain. We can dance in the rain.

Our Lives are Like...Angry Birds

Have you ever realized how much our lives are like angry birds?! It's amazing the similarities. Angry birds is a game...our lives are somewhat like a game....maybe - depends on how you look at it. The piggies stole what belonged to the birds (that's why they're so angry!) - I know there are things and situations in my life, the obstacles I call my "piggies", that have tried to steal my happiness and bits and pieces of my life over and over again!

"The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and to destroy..." ~John 10:10

The game allows you to progress to different levels! It's awesome. That's how we are in life. We complete one "level" and get to move on to the next. Childhood. Teenagedom. The part of life where you're still growing your adult brain (18-25 years). Adulthood. Middleagedom. Gray-hairdom.

I'm just now passing from level 3 to level 4 (I finally grew in my adult brain!) However, this level is one of the hardest levels to pass! I thought Teenagedom was difficult! Eesh! There are more obstacles than ever before to hurdle over and more little "piggies" trying to steal what's not theirs! Or so it seems. Have you ever noticed that whatever "level" you're on in the moment seems like the absolute hardest thing to get through?

The neat thing about Angry Birds is that as the levels progress, become more difficult, and those piggies get a little more obnoxious, there are several birds you encounter along the way with different strengths. Some can split into three and break ice. Some can fly real fast and bust through wood. Some can poop out eggs. Some can turn into bombs and blast out whatever is in their way! It's so cool. But each bird is unique and with certain levels, only having one type of bird to combat the piggies would not suffice. They need each other!!!! Just like when we encounter different types of people in our own lives with different strengths. We can play this game of life much better together :)

Then there is the mighty eagle! This is my favorite part! Have you ever gotten stuck on a "level" before? Where no matter how hard you try and how many different angles you come at the obstacle/problem...you just can't seem to win? And those stupid little piggies laugh at you. Seriously. To top off your failure, they laugh in the most obnoxious snorting manner. How many times have we failed and feel like people are laughing at us? That's when the mighty eagle comes into play. When you've done everything you know how to do...the mighty eagle will swoop in and knock out EVERYTHING!!!! It's fantastic!!! This is God in my life. It doesn't mean we aren't supposed to do our part first. With angry birds you have to try everything you can first...and try multiple times! At least I do. Finally, I call in the mighty eagle to help out! And BAM!!! All those stubborn piggies are knocked out :)

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings." ~ Psalm 36:7

This is where Angry Birds and our lives may differ a bit. Some people might view utilizing the mighty eagle as "cheating". However, it is never considered cheating or a sign of weakness to call upon God when we need Him. In fact, he encourages us to call out to Him.

"Call to me, and I will answer you. I will tell you great and mysterious things you do not know." ~Jeremiah 33:3

Remember, you have the true Mighty Eagle by your side at any moment, at any time. All you need to do is confess your sins to the Lord and profess faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior. With Jesus on our team, we will always win!

"My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you I, whom you have redeemed. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.” ~Psalm 71:23-24

To finish the verse listed above, John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Now, what a fun game of life this will be to play! Don't you want to join me??