Out of Step

I've always been one that enjoys change.  I like newness and something to look forward to.  Some people are really scared of change.  I admit, lots of change in a little amount of time can be incredibly overwhelming.  I think I did well with change when I was younger because I had constants in my life - my family unit and my religious beliefs.

Since coming back to my passport country, I've questioned both of my constants.  It's natural to progress away from your original family unit and it's healthy to question why you believe what you believe.  It's all a part of growing and maturing.  I didn't realize how important those two components were, though.  I continually search to have the life I use to have when I lived abroad and I just don't think that's going to happen.  I relied heavily on my constants to keep me afloat when things in my life changed.  So much of my identity was wrapped up in who my parents and friends saw and thought of me.  Now that I'm not around them, I feel peeled away and vulnerable and I especially feel like I'm not grounded at all. 

I think the reason I've had a difficult and prolonged time transitioning is because I didn't have time to truly dissect why I was going through all the anxiety and fear when I was first diagnosed with PMDD.  I was in the midst of the depression and I was just trying to survive.

Depression causes you to withdraw and push everyone away.  I've moved multiple times since living in the States and in doing that, I've nixed a lot of opportunities to have a support system.  I still have support - it's just the people I care most about are scattered all over the place. 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching, like I usually do, and I've tried to remember what makes me happy.  I'm happy when I'm helping others. I'm happy when I have newness and something to look forward to in my life.  My issue, though, is I'm expecting for others to understand and accept me now - the depressed, scared, vulnerable, identity-less me.  I've been looking for someone to seek me out and help me.  And that just isn't happening. 

Previously, I refused to become a chameleon because I felt I wasn't being true to myself.  I use to be really good at being a chameleon.  That's how I fit wherever I went.  That's how I fit when I met new people.  It's a great TCK trait.  But for whatever reason, I thought that trait was a negative.  The question that keeps popping up in my mind is - if it was such a bad trait, then why did I have so many friends?  Since I'm not using that technique anymore, I have little to no friends.  Makes a person think....

As stated previously, growing up, I was incredibly reliant on my family and friends to help mold my identity.  I don't see that as a bad thing, if anything the community I lived in was incredibly collectivistic.  Now, living in an individualist society, it's hard to fit in anywhere.  Everyone already has their family and friends.  It's difficult to make new friends when you live in a place where nobody ever really moves.  I'm trying, though. 

I often feel like these fish.  I exist in the world with other people, but it's like I live in an entirely different bowl, looking and longing to "be" in the same bowl as others. 

I guess where I'm at now is trying to decide if I want to continue to feel disconnected from my current state of being or if I want to do what I need to do to jive with the society I'm in.  I'm realizing more and more that my issues with PMDD and being a TCK are connected.  I'm trying really hard to find ways to flourish and truly live life instead of just surviving and constantly feeling out of step with everyone else.  What do you do to help yourself not feel so out of step?  Or do you ever feel out of step with others?   

Try Again

Closing yourself off.  Withdrawing from others.  Isolation.  All of these things come naturally when you're dealing with depression....but they're detrimental to any person's well being.

I've got a double whammy dealing with PMDD and also the cultural differences that come from being a TCK.  Both of these issues have made it difficult to thrive and exist happily in society. 

PMDD causes a woman to feel she is going crazy every month.  It makes her feel like nobody understands her - like she has no control over her thoughts and/or actions.  Because I didn't often understand my own moods, how could I expect anyone else too.  I became embarrassed and closed myself off from the rest of the world.

Being a TCK in my passport country has caused me a lot of heartache because I feel people are so segregated in the US.  A good majority of people don't know how to welcome newcomers and/or transplants.  Therefore, it's easy for a TCK to become isolated even if we have skills to jump into a new place.  I never had as difficult a time moving to different countries (granted, I only moved twice abroad) because there were always others in a similar situation that I was.  People were willing to open up their hearts to a newcomer and in turn, I did the same when I met newbies.  Here in the US, in my passport country, it seems there are a new set of rules that I haven't been privy too and I feel vulnerable and caught off guard so much of the time.  I feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be my home. 

Because of these two issues, it has been easy for me to close myself off from the rest of the world.  It has been easy to say, nobody gets me - who cares - what's the point.  There is a point, though.  And no matter how lonely it gets - no matter how hard it gets, you are not alone.

I was so hurt when I initially came back to the states, that I closed myself off from wanting to participate in everyday society.  I did what I needed to do to survive.  I got up every morning, went to my job, interacted if I had to, came home and stayed home.  This sort of living was not the person I was when I lived overseas.  I was very active in the community, always looking for something to get involved in.

I was a candy striper (volunteered at the hospital), I was in cross-country, I was in drama and plays, I was very active in music, I was our high school mascot, I was a bagger at the base commissary for three years (I would always sing to my customers at Christmas time to get better tips.  I don't know if they were paying me because they liked it or to get me to stop...haha!), I tutored, I babysat, I was involved in FBLA, NHS, my high school committee.  I took piano lessons from Gustaf and we often had recitals.  I always had something going on.  I felt apart of the community and that my life was a contribution rather than a nuisance or not worth anything.

Somewhere between dealing with the hardships of acclimating to the States and the onset of PMDD, I lost all grasp on the world that I knew.  It has felt like I've been falling down a black hole for a very long time.

I'm tired of closing myself off, though.  I'm tired of not believing in the person that I am because others don't understand me.  I'm tired of becoming defensive and hurt.  I'm tired being bored out of my mind because I've closed myself off to the possibilities of what could be.

Yes, I'm still incredibly sensitive to the fact that when I go to the gym, because I'm not there with other people from work or friends, the other people don't talk or interact with me.  But I'm an extrovert for crying out loud.  I'm going to weasel my way into people's lives because this other way that I've been living the past 9-10 years hasn't been working! 

I would just encourage other women with PMDD and others that are TCKs, don't close yourselves off.  I know there is a chance that you may get hurt and it's frustrating when you feel you're not understood or don't belong.  Just don't stop trying.  Stand up, brush yourself off, and try again.     

Stressed

Surprise, surprise.  I’m having a difficult time – yet again.  I don’t know if the difficult times every truly subside for me or I’m just able to focus on something else long enough to distract me from the pain that lingers inside due to feeling lost and displaced.

These past couples of weeks have been hard.  Mix that in with the fact that it is my PMDD time and women with PMDD should try really hard to relieve what stress they have in their lives.  I didn’t get much of a chance to do that.

We had a fire at our house on April 16^th.  Not too much damage was done, but the smoke was horrible inside the house and wasn’t livable.  We moved in with the in-laws for a bit and then decided to move into a hotel.  It was nice at first.  We were able to go down to the pool whenever we wanted (except on the days when they were having a cheer competition and little girls infested the entire place!!).  They have a really nice continental breakfast.  It kind of reminded me of all the summers of traveling. 

Then I had my interview for transferring to a new graduate school.  I can never gauge those things and I’ve never participated in a group interview before.  It was really intimidating and even more so when several of the students interviewing already go to the school.  I left an hour early from work to give myself ample time to grab some lunch and then find a parking spot.  I ate crap from KFC, which was all carbs and didn’t help anything (but what’s new, the hubby and I have been eating out a lot since the fire since we don’t have a kitchen and have a teeny tiny little refrigerator).  Then I was trying to find a parking space and I pulled up to go into a deck until I realized you had to have a student pass.  Well, obviously I didn’t and needed to back out.  There was a car that had pulled in behind me and I signaled for her to let me out.  She started flailing in the car and flicking me off.  I stopped traffic to back out.  I did that AGAIN in another parking area.  I called the graduate office to help me out and the student worker started spouting off road names and I was like, look – I don’t know this area at all.  Finally, I just parked in the faculty parking lot.  It was the only one that didn’t have a little gate down.  By that point, I didn’t care if I got ticketed.  I got up to the interview a MINUTE before it started at noon.  It was so nerve racking.

I think I did ok.

I just don’t know.  I have such a lack of confidence in myself.  The main reason I wanted to transfer is so that I could have a connection and an opportunity to network with people.  But the problem with changing something YET AGAIN, is having to start new and fresh.  Explaining yourself and your story all over again.  And every time I explain that I’m not from here, I get awkward silence and people’s body language tend to withdraw from me.  I don’t know if they think I’m better than them…but that couldn’t be further from the truth!  If anything, I’m so insecure and want people to know that I’m open and accepting, but because of the way I grew up, I’m shunned.  But yet if I don’t mention that, I get looked at weird because I’m not from here.  Just like I was expected to know the streets down town where I was trying to find a parking spot!  It’s such a catch-22 and it gets exhausting.

And this is why I feel defeated all the time.  This is why I feel lost and like a loser.  This is why I get fed up and want to sleep all the time.  I feel like if I was plucked from the face of this earth, it wouldn’t change the picture at all. 

It’s so easy for others to say, take medication and be better.  Guess what, I do take medication and it doesn’t take away the pain and reality that I feel like a misfit in society.

It’s so easy for others to say, go see a counselor and have them solve all your problems.  I’ve been to multiple counselors over the years who just don’t seem to understand that I struggle with cultural and identity issues along with hormonal issues that magnify these existing problems on a monthly basis. 

All I can do, sometimes, is get my thoughts and feelings out into the open.  I don’t know if it changes a single thing.  I don’t even think it helps me anymore.  But it’s the one thing I have left to do to keep my sanity.