Make it a Choice

Many people set a resolution around this time of year as New Year's quickly approaches. One of the biggest resolutions people are bound and determined to make, as well as meet, is to lose weight.  I've had the privilege to watch my husband lose 25+ lbs over the entire month of November.  I am so proud of him and watching his success give me more desire to get back into a healthy lifestyle.

I've tried to "diet" before....many, many times.  No sooner do I quit just after a short period of time.  Typically, I last a day - two at most.  That's why I chose Weight Watchers because they define they're weight loss program as a lifestyle change, not a diet. 

One thing that I'm encouraging myself to do that works in conjunction with WW's "don't deprive yourself" is always ask the question - do I want to do __________ today? Do I want to eat healthy today? Do I want to exercise today? Sometimes the answer may be "no". The next step is to ask - will I do __________ today? It's very important to always give yourself the choice. This is a lesson I'm continually learning and it's a very important lesson to be learned.

I use to tell myself I was going to do something and then would end up sabotaging the whole thing by rebelling and doing the absolute opposite...and that was for any area in my life. Allowing yourself the choice to choose seems silly, but it works with kids and it works with our adult minds, too. 

This is a new beginning for me and although it may not be easy, I'm choosing this path; the path that will lead to a more abundant, fulfilling life.

Needing Change

Life feels like such a joke - such a farce.  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is consistent.

Everything I thought was real isn't.  Many of my religious beliefs have come from different religions and paganistic beliefs.  Christmas isn't even on Jesus' birthday. 

The way I grew up isn't even remotely a part of my existence now.  How the hell am I supposed to cope and deal with that??  The farther away I get from those times in my life, the harder life seems to get.  Like I'm trying to make it stand still, but we all know it can't.

So, I turn to what makes me comfortable.  Change.

Everything I've done seems like I've done it for the wrong reason. 

I jumped on the ball to start getting my masters because I felt like it took too long to get my undergrad.  PMDD played a huge role in me having to withdraw early from my first school.  So did trying to deal with feeling like I had no roots.  I'm not been the same since.

I jumped on the ball to go to a Christian college thinking I had to make up for not being able to graduate from the first Christian college.  It's a great school, but I feel like I'm back where I always end up.  Withdrawn from people. 

I deactivated facebook.  Now I'm withdrawn from more people.

When I'm hurting, I withdraw but it never helps.  It just solidifies my fears that people aren't around and they don't care to be around.  I shouldn't generalize like that because there are a very small handful, less than five, that have called and checked in on me.  It should be enough but all those people aren't here.  They are not tangible just like everything else in my life seems.  It all seems fake or dead.

I have ideas of things to change, but it's dependent upon other situations. 

I called my doctor and have another appointment this upcoming Thursday.  I just met with him last Monday.  I just can't shake this.  Everything seems cold and dead to me.  Nothing feel right. 

In light of what my counselor suggested, I'm writing openly and will always end or "sign-off" with something positive.

I'm super excited about buying the rest of everyone Christmas presents.  I've been trying to make a lot of gifts and planning isn't always easy for me, but I've got all the materials needed to get started.  I love creating.  I love seeing ideas become tangible - it's fun and exciting.

Peace

The same word has been popping up all over the place.  Peace.

I hear it in the Christmas music.  Peace on Earth.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace. 

I hear it in country music (that I'm forced to listen to - not by my own accord!)  Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.

I read in my devotion last night.

Peace is something I've been searching for for a long time.  What does it mean to be at peace?  What does this peace feel like?

I've been carrying around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years.  I've been carrying around burdens that are not my own.  I've been carrying around things that I long told God I would give to Him - that He's asked me to give to Him.

So many people in this world are hurting from so many different things.  Many people don't feel like anyone gives a crap about them, that no one cares to know who they are or what they have to offer. 

What does peace have to do with that?  I'm not sure.  I'm still trying to put all these thoughts and feelings together.

Dealing with PMDD has not allowed many peaceful times.  It feels like I'm always picking up broken pieces - pieces that I've broken, pieces of my heart, pieces from shattered relationships.  No time to truly mend and heal.  No time to bask in peace. 

I still don't know what it looks like.  I don't know what it feels like.  But I feel like I'm closer than ever to finding out.

Lessons from the Past

Before this blog, I use to write on xanga. I went there this afternoon and started reading some of my old posts. Even though I was writing during probably the hardest time of my life, I liked the person I was. I was real. I allowed myself to feel and feel freely - write about it freely. I continually sought after God regardless if I felt on the right track or not. I needed to read some of my old posts. God was always giving me analogies back then and I want to share them again.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I experienced a few range of emotions tonight and God showed me two very interesting points that I believe have a lot of symbolism. I love to read any kind of book that has to do with psychology and understanding one's personality. I always have and its always thrilled me to no end to understand others and the differences we all possess. Anywho. As I was reading through these books, I couldn't help but overlook sections about love and then sections about anger and bitterness. Basically, I feel as though there are many things from my past that I have drudged up and other things that I haven't even let go of even though I thought I had. I just laid down on my bed and started crying and asking God why I had to endure all the things I have and why I can't believe in myself and trust that I am the person He created me to be, when all of a sudden I felt this nasty rock-like thing in my mouth and I just stopped in the middle of what I was doing and pulled it out of my mouth. It smelt like a piece of lead, but I have no clue how it got there. After I had examined and focused on this little lead, rock thing in my mouth, I came to realize that I had forgotten all about what it was I was praying about. As I was thinking more about that....some symbolism came to mind. Sometimes when we allow negative things to come out of our mouths, we focus so much on that that we forget who we really are in Christ and forget that Jesus is there with us always in the first place. It startled me so much that I had something potentially hazardous come falling out of my mouth that I failed to realize, the negative words we spew out are just as hazardous if not more. Proverbs even speaks about the fact that the tongue holds the keys to either life or death. As I was letting everything that I had read tonight reel around in my mind and was doing my last bit of getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror and touched my lip. (A step back into the present real quick. I had gotten all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out earlier that summer and the lower, left quadrant of my mouth had not regained feeling for months. I actually didn't get feeling back for a total of 9 months. I still can scratch my chin and feel it up in my lip - it's weird!) I still haven't fully gained back all of my feeling or sensations....and in fact, the feeling that I have gotten back really hurts. The teeth that are just inside by my lip are so incredibly sensitive that it hurts to brush my teeth, it hurts to take a bite of anything, it hurts to barely even touch them and then if I press too hard on them, it sends this wild (and not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination) sensation flowing through my lip. God started showing me something through all of that about my own life. Sometimes, when we have been numb for so long, we can't just jump right back into things. We can't take a bite out of life and expect things to be a-okay. It hurts to get our feeling back when we've been hurt in the past. We have to be cautious and careful. It takes time and healing and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. All in all, healing hurts sometimes. Tuesday, July 25, 2006 Okay, so I just wanted to share an analogy I had today when me and my family were driving down to Dalton, GA. I was really frustrated that we had to be going down there. I don't want to have anything to do with this last semester and of course the counselor that I was seeing is down there, and we had to pay off two different medical bills from down there. So, I was just in this huge funk this morning and my parents were trying to be all sweet to me and saying really nice things and trying to include me in conversations...but I was just remaining withdrawn and funktified. So, I had this analogy come to me as I sat there in my cloud and gazed out the window as all of creation past by I pictured myself tied to a chair in this disgusting old basement where water was pouring in and rising fast. The harder I tried to set myself free, the tighter the ropes dug into my skin and the more painful it was to be in that predicament. I struggled more and more fearing for my life as I saw the water rising. But the more I struggled, the more in danger I put myself in. The more I tried to take things into my own hands, the more I just continually hurt myself and it obviously wasn't getting me anywhere. Then, I felt God tell me to be still. So, I sat still and He came to my rescue. No, he didn't undo the ropes all at once, but little by little He began to loosen the ropes. I watched Him with great eagerness and when he told me to move I moved. I listened to everything He had to tell me. I wasn't scared of drowning in the water anymore because even though the water had finally risen above my head and I could do absolutely nothing about it....he had oxygen there for me as He continually, steadily worked on getting me free. That really put a lot of things into perspective for me today. If I continue to whine and complain and miserably roll around in self pity, I just continue to hurt myself. But when we are still, that is when God can come to our rescue and guide us and lead us....not in our timing, but in His. I have definitely started to see God putting the pieces of my life back together and everything has totally changed. I profusely apologize for complaining so much all of the time. That is not faith and I long to live by faith and by the things that are unseen because I know my God is a pursuer and a loving God and wants the best for all of His children and never intends to harm us. I trust Him. I will say it over and over again until I get my flesh to obey and trust.

Isolation

Any little attempt to be happy is squelched by the reality that is my darkness.

It follows me, it latches on, and it never truly lets go.

It hurts.  This constant pain that is weighing me down.

This constant rejection.

Isolation is my only comfort.  Isolation is my only friend.

It's familiar and safer.

The darkness looms. 

The emptiness grows.

Peace comes in solitude.  Peace comes facing the reality of my darkness.

They don't know.  They can't know.  They will never understand. 

They will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.

Airing my lonely heart out on the sleeves of vulnerability

Crushed by the nonexistence

Torn by the absence

Accepting the detriment

Isolation is my only friend.

The Will and Want to Understand

There is something beautiful and almost sacred when human beings show compassion towards each other.  The simple act of a smile.  The gentle ease of a hug.  The kindness of a listening ear.  We need each other and we need to lift each other up.

Our youth pastor, Rob Bateman, once discussed with me what he's taught his own children "There is enough hatred and hurt in the world.  It won't be like that in my house.  We will love each other and we will be here to support each other."

Those words penetrated deep into my heart and represent that we should not add to the hatred and hurt in the world, but add more love and kindness.

We may not always understand where people are coming from, but the will and want to understand may far outweigh the actual comprehension of what a person is going through.  The fact that another living person is interested enough to try and understand who we are, what we're about, what we like and don't, sharing in our fears and dreams, etc gives a sense of belonging.

There are a lot of people in this world that don't feel they belong.  If they don't act a certain way.  If they don't look a certain way.  If they don't speak a certain way.  Why do we judge?  Because of fear - because most times the unknown is scary.


"Be kind and compassionate towards each other" ~ Ephesians 4:32

"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" ~ Colossians 3:12 

I use to ask myself why I had to go through difficulties with my emotions; why I had to deal with the stigma and embarrassment of a mood disorder because I'm already a super empathetic person by nature.  However, over these past 7 years, I've gained a deeper understanding of the pain others go through - how it feels to be mistreated, judged, disliked, ostracized, let down, and rejected.  By the same token, I have also learned from those experiences how not to treat others and that often times people just want to be acknowledged.  They want others to just TRY and understand where they're coming from.  They want others to TRY and listen without speaking judgement or giving advice.  They want someone to be there.  They want someone to care.  They want to know their life is valuable and has meaning.

We are reminded to feel for others, and to feel deeply:

"Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering" ~ Hebrews 13:3

Here's a secret. You may never understand, but my encouragement is don't stop trying. Don't stop reaching out. Don't stop showering compassion.

Here comes the "PMDD" again

You know the Eurythmics song "Here comes the rain again"....just switch some of the words around and make into a tragedy song instead of a love song and that is how I feel today.
Here comes the "PMDD" again....
Here comes the "anger" again....
Here comes the "tears" again....
Here comes the "paranoia" again...

Don't talk to me....but if you don't I'll be sad
Don't hug me....but if you don't then I'll be mad
Just hate me like I know you do
Just give me a couple days until this is through

Yeah, that's how I feel yet again.

What really got me in a tizzy is my brain thinking too much. I seem to have a tendency to do that during this time of month. Either the hamster is working over time or he's taking a nap upstairs in his wheel. Today he seems to be reeling out all sorts of anxiety-like thoughts.

When I first went through my string of doctors, I was diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder. Every once in a while, I'll do research and look stuff up to see why I was diagnosed as such. From my findings, I understand why I have traits of BPD. I'm insecure, I fear abandonment, I get super anger and impulsive, and I've very confused about who I am a lot of times because of everything I've been through and/or being a TCK.

I just get to thinking - what the heck is wrong with me? Will I ever just be OK? Will I ever be able to live out a happy, healthy life without always feeling like I'm in the wrong one way or another? Will I ever feel like I'm enough? Will I ever feel like I have people who love me and care about me even though I'm told everyday? What is enough for me? What am I expecting? And most importantly...why am I like this?!

If I don't get some of this out - I will implode and I would much rather not go back to my old tactics of coping.

These are the times I wish I had a magic wand so I could bop myself on the head to either make the thoughts go away or just knock myself unconscious for a while so that I will wake up when this junk passes. Le sigh...

It must be so nice for "normal" people to live out their lives not questioning their everyday existence. I wonder what that's like. It must be so nice for women to go through this time of month with little to no repercussions. It must be so nice to not be a woman! It must be nice to have your family live right down the road. It must be nice to think you're an awesome person. It must be nice to not have your moods fluctuate on you every couple of weeks. It must be nice to know what strength and courage is. It must be nice to know how much you are loved and feel secure in it.

Don't ask me who that's directed towards, I just feel like spouting off. I'm feeling sorry for myself and just angry. It's what I do....

I guess instead of here comes the PMDD again, I should say here IS the PMDD again. Seesh.