Who Knows Better?

Who knows better, you or the doctor?  You would hope your doctor....

Every time I've gone to see my doc, he doesn't give me very much information as to what he thinks I'm dealing with.  That implies to me that he isn't quite sure.  I know what it is!  It's called PMDD!  I've known it for the past 6 years!!!  And when I get stressed out, I have a tendency to get depressed (shown through my anger and irritability). 

Why can't medical professionals just acknowledge that this is a real thing?!?!

My doctor prescribed me abilify along with my antidepressant.  I wasn't sure what it was.  It's considered an atypical anti psychotic (which sounded kinda heavy duty to me!).  When I researched it, it's a medication that is typically used for patients with schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder.   It can also be used for patients who aren't responding that well to their antidepressant.  It's suppose to augment the affects.

I've been on it now for three weeks today.  Ok, that's a lie.  I didn't take it last night and I had very good reason for it.  I, in no way, condone ignoring what a doctor prescribes.  But I am an advocate for understanding your own body and how you react to medications.

I was on lithium for over a year several years ago.  That is a time in my life that I barely remember anything.  I started to feel like that again.

The first week was ok, the depression had subsided.  But my menstrual cycle hasn't begun, so now I'm freaking out about if I'm pregnant or not.  I've taken two pregnancy tests so far and both have come back negative.  Last night was rough!  And when I say rough, I mean - my brain was having a hard time functioning.

My hubby and I got into a fight over some finances.  The stress of the fight got me really worked up.  I started screaming and crying and when he wanted to leave, I freaked out even more.  I don't do well when my loved ones want to leave me alone.  Anywho, from that point on I could barely formulate sentences and was exhausted trying to carry a conversation.  That's ridiculous for someone who doesn't typically have a hard time talking, thinking, or feeling.  Last night was an extreme to how I've been feeling the past two weeks.  It's affecting my job and I need to be on the ball and need to be able to explain concisely what I'm doing and why.

Because of these factors and the fact that I've been on a mood stabilizer and had a negative experience with it in the past, I decided to just take my antidepressant and not the abilify.

I already feel tons better today.  My mind seems to be quicker and sharper.  I'm tired, but that's because of the emotional outburst that happened last night.  Other than that, I'm quite alert mentally.

So, who knows better?  Me....or my doctor?

I'll take some Prozac, with Abilify and sprinkle some Xanax on the side...

I just realized that I've been on 10 DIFFERENT medications for my PMDD in the time span of 7 years.  That's sad.  I'm not even 30 years old yet.  And honestly, I feel like that is a problem.  I went for 3 years medication free until I had a relapse, but I'm realizing how stress plays a huge, and I mean HUGE, part in this disorder.  For more info, go here (type in stress in her search box) and read this article.

Man, I get so aggravated at myself.  You think I would know this by now, but it's like a light bulb just went on.  TADAH!  Stress really triggers your moods, Megan.  Stress is really not a good additive when you're in PMDD phase.

My friend and I were talking about how our doctor's pretty much blow us off when we bring any sort of self-found material into their office.  God forbid a person try to understand themselves and what might be beneficial to their health.  Oh, no.  You're encroaching on their precious territory and it becomes almost like we're showing them up.  Have you ever experienced this?  So, instead of listening to you....you get a fast food pharmacy instead. 

So, what do you want for it?

The oh, so infamous question. 

What do I want for it??? 

Well, first, I would love for you to listen to me.  Second, I would like for you to look at me.  And third, I would like to know if you know any other alternatives to what I can do to help myself besides pumping umpteethbagillion different drugs through my body.  That's what I want!!!! 

This is EXACTLY why I went stopped seeing doctors and stopped all medication for three years.  Was it hard?  Oh, yes.  Was it miserable every. single. bleeping. month?!  Oh, yes.  But did I feel true to myself the other parts of the month?  YES!  And that's the difference.

I don't want a smorgasbord of drugs.  I get that they're there to help, but when your doctor realizes that one medication, two medications, three medications, etc aren't working.....wouldn't you think they would be smart enough to figure out that maybe - just maybe - that's not the fast fix they're looking for?!

I shouldn't be as surprised as I am at how easy it is to get whatever drug you want.  I just would hope that doctor's have some human-ness left to their souls and would think about their patients' health and not always about the money.  A girl can dream right?

Make it a Choice

Many people set a resolution around this time of year as New Year's quickly approaches. One of the biggest resolutions people are bound and determined to make, as well as meet, is to lose weight.  I've had the privilege to watch my husband lose 25+ lbs over the entire month of November.  I am so proud of him and watching his success give me more desire to get back into a healthy lifestyle.

I've tried to "diet" before....many, many times.  No sooner do I quit just after a short period of time.  Typically, I last a day - two at most.  That's why I chose Weight Watchers because they define they're weight loss program as a lifestyle change, not a diet. 

One thing that I'm encouraging myself to do that works in conjunction with WW's "don't deprive yourself" is always ask the question - do I want to do __________ today? Do I want to eat healthy today? Do I want to exercise today? Sometimes the answer may be "no". The next step is to ask - will I do __________ today? It's very important to always give yourself the choice. This is a lesson I'm continually learning and it's a very important lesson to be learned.

I use to tell myself I was going to do something and then would end up sabotaging the whole thing by rebelling and doing the absolute opposite...and that was for any area in my life. Allowing yourself the choice to choose seems silly, but it works with kids and it works with our adult minds, too. 

This is a new beginning for me and although it may not be easy, I'm choosing this path; the path that will lead to a more abundant, fulfilling life.

Needing Change

Life feels like such a joke - such a farce.  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is consistent.

Everything I thought was real isn't.  Many of my religious beliefs have come from different religions and paganistic beliefs.  Christmas isn't even on Jesus' birthday. 

The way I grew up isn't even remotely a part of my existence now.  How the hell am I supposed to cope and deal with that??  The farther away I get from those times in my life, the harder life seems to get.  Like I'm trying to make it stand still, but we all know it can't.

So, I turn to what makes me comfortable.  Change.

Everything I've done seems like I've done it for the wrong reason. 

I jumped on the ball to start getting my masters because I felt like it took too long to get my undergrad.  PMDD played a huge role in me having to withdraw early from my first school.  So did trying to deal with feeling like I had no roots.  I'm not been the same since.

I jumped on the ball to go to a Christian college thinking I had to make up for not being able to graduate from the first Christian college.  It's a great school, but I feel like I'm back where I always end up.  Withdrawn from people. 

I deactivated facebook.  Now I'm withdrawn from more people.

When I'm hurting, I withdraw but it never helps.  It just solidifies my fears that people aren't around and they don't care to be around.  I shouldn't generalize like that because there are a very small handful, less than five, that have called and checked in on me.  It should be enough but all those people aren't here.  They are not tangible just like everything else in my life seems.  It all seems fake or dead.

I have ideas of things to change, but it's dependent upon other situations. 

I called my doctor and have another appointment this upcoming Thursday.  I just met with him last Monday.  I just can't shake this.  Everything seems cold and dead to me.  Nothing feel right. 

In light of what my counselor suggested, I'm writing openly and will always end or "sign-off" with something positive.

I'm super excited about buying the rest of everyone Christmas presents.  I've been trying to make a lot of gifts and planning isn't always easy for me, but I've got all the materials needed to get started.  I love creating.  I love seeing ideas become tangible - it's fun and exciting.

Peace

The same word has been popping up all over the place.  Peace.

I hear it in the Christmas music.  Peace on Earth.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace. 

I hear it in country music (that I'm forced to listen to - not by my own accord!)  Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.

I read in my devotion last night.

Peace is something I've been searching for for a long time.  What does it mean to be at peace?  What does this peace feel like?

I've been carrying around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years.  I've been carrying around burdens that are not my own.  I've been carrying around things that I long told God I would give to Him - that He's asked me to give to Him.

So many people in this world are hurting from so many different things.  Many people don't feel like anyone gives a crap about them, that no one cares to know who they are or what they have to offer. 

What does peace have to do with that?  I'm not sure.  I'm still trying to put all these thoughts and feelings together.

Dealing with PMDD has not allowed many peaceful times.  It feels like I'm always picking up broken pieces - pieces that I've broken, pieces of my heart, pieces from shattered relationships.  No time to truly mend and heal.  No time to bask in peace. 

I still don't know what it looks like.  I don't know what it feels like.  But I feel like I'm closer than ever to finding out.

Lessons from the Past

Before this blog, I use to write on xanga. I went there this afternoon and started reading some of my old posts. Even though I was writing during probably the hardest time of my life, I liked the person I was. I was real. I allowed myself to feel and feel freely - write about it freely. I continually sought after God regardless if I felt on the right track or not. I needed to read some of my old posts. God was always giving me analogies back then and I want to share them again.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I experienced a few range of emotions tonight and God showed me two very interesting points that I believe have a lot of symbolism. I love to read any kind of book that has to do with psychology and understanding one's personality. I always have and its always thrilled me to no end to understand others and the differences we all possess. Anywho. As I was reading through these books, I couldn't help but overlook sections about love and then sections about anger and bitterness. Basically, I feel as though there are many things from my past that I have drudged up and other things that I haven't even let go of even though I thought I had. I just laid down on my bed and started crying and asking God why I had to endure all the things I have and why I can't believe in myself and trust that I am the person He created me to be, when all of a sudden I felt this nasty rock-like thing in my mouth and I just stopped in the middle of what I was doing and pulled it out of my mouth. It smelt like a piece of lead, but I have no clue how it got there. After I had examined and focused on this little lead, rock thing in my mouth, I came to realize that I had forgotten all about what it was I was praying about. As I was thinking more about that....some symbolism came to mind. Sometimes when we allow negative things to come out of our mouths, we focus so much on that that we forget who we really are in Christ and forget that Jesus is there with us always in the first place. It startled me so much that I had something potentially hazardous come falling out of my mouth that I failed to realize, the negative words we spew out are just as hazardous if not more. Proverbs even speaks about the fact that the tongue holds the keys to either life or death. As I was letting everything that I had read tonight reel around in my mind and was doing my last bit of getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror and touched my lip. (A step back into the present real quick. I had gotten all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out earlier that summer and the lower, left quadrant of my mouth had not regained feeling for months. I actually didn't get feeling back for a total of 9 months. I still can scratch my chin and feel it up in my lip - it's weird!) I still haven't fully gained back all of my feeling or sensations....and in fact, the feeling that I have gotten back really hurts. The teeth that are just inside by my lip are so incredibly sensitive that it hurts to brush my teeth, it hurts to take a bite of anything, it hurts to barely even touch them and then if I press too hard on them, it sends this wild (and not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination) sensation flowing through my lip. God started showing me something through all of that about my own life. Sometimes, when we have been numb for so long, we can't just jump right back into things. We can't take a bite out of life and expect things to be a-okay. It hurts to get our feeling back when we've been hurt in the past. We have to be cautious and careful. It takes time and healing and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. All in all, healing hurts sometimes. Tuesday, July 25, 2006 Okay, so I just wanted to share an analogy I had today when me and my family were driving down to Dalton, GA. I was really frustrated that we had to be going down there. I don't want to have anything to do with this last semester and of course the counselor that I was seeing is down there, and we had to pay off two different medical bills from down there. So, I was just in this huge funk this morning and my parents were trying to be all sweet to me and saying really nice things and trying to include me in conversations...but I was just remaining withdrawn and funktified. So, I had this analogy come to me as I sat there in my cloud and gazed out the window as all of creation past by I pictured myself tied to a chair in this disgusting old basement where water was pouring in and rising fast. The harder I tried to set myself free, the tighter the ropes dug into my skin and the more painful it was to be in that predicament. I struggled more and more fearing for my life as I saw the water rising. But the more I struggled, the more in danger I put myself in. The more I tried to take things into my own hands, the more I just continually hurt myself and it obviously wasn't getting me anywhere. Then, I felt God tell me to be still. So, I sat still and He came to my rescue. No, he didn't undo the ropes all at once, but little by little He began to loosen the ropes. I watched Him with great eagerness and when he told me to move I moved. I listened to everything He had to tell me. I wasn't scared of drowning in the water anymore because even though the water had finally risen above my head and I could do absolutely nothing about it....he had oxygen there for me as He continually, steadily worked on getting me free. That really put a lot of things into perspective for me today. If I continue to whine and complain and miserably roll around in self pity, I just continue to hurt myself. But when we are still, that is when God can come to our rescue and guide us and lead us....not in our timing, but in His. I have definitely started to see God putting the pieces of my life back together and everything has totally changed. I profusely apologize for complaining so much all of the time. That is not faith and I long to live by faith and by the things that are unseen because I know my God is a pursuer and a loving God and wants the best for all of His children and never intends to harm us. I trust Him. I will say it over and over again until I get my flesh to obey and trust.

Isolation

Any little attempt to be happy is squelched by the reality that is my darkness.

It follows me, it latches on, and it never truly lets go.

It hurts.  This constant pain that is weighing me down.

This constant rejection.

Isolation is my only comfort.  Isolation is my only friend.

It's familiar and safer.

The darkness looms. 

The emptiness grows.

Peace comes in solitude.  Peace comes facing the reality of my darkness.

They don't know.  They can't know.  They will never understand. 

They will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.

Airing my lonely heart out on the sleeves of vulnerability

Crushed by the nonexistence

Torn by the absence

Accepting the detriment

Isolation is my only friend.