November 3, 2011

Lessons from the Past

Posted by Megzy at 11/03/2011 1 comments
Before this blog, I use to write on xanga. I went there this afternoon and started reading some of my old posts. Even though I was writing during probably the hardest time of my life, I liked the person I was. I was real. I allowed myself to feel and feel freely - write about it freely. I continually sought after God regardless if I felt on the right track or not. I needed to read some of my old posts. God was always giving me analogies back then and I want to share them again.




Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I experienced a few range of emotions tonight and God showed me two very interesting points that I believe have a lot of symbolism.


I love to read any kind of book that has to do with psychology and understanding one's personality. I always have and its always thrilled me to no end to understand others and the differences we all possess. Anywho. As I was reading through these books, I couldn't help but overlook sections about love and then sections about anger and bitterness. Basically, I feel as though there are many things from my past that I have drudged up and other things that I haven't even let go of even though I thought I had. I just laid down on my bed and started crying and asking God why I had to endure all the things I have and why I can't believe in myself and trust that I am the person He created me to be, when all of a sudden I felt this nasty rock-like thing in my mouth and I just stopped in the middle of what I was doing and pulled it out of my mouth. It smelt like a piece of lead, but I have no clue how it got there. After I had examined and focused on this little lead, rock thing in my mouth, I came to realize that I had forgotten all about what it was I was praying about. As I was thinking more about that....some symbolism came to mind. Sometimes when we allow negative things to come out of our mouths, we focus so much on that that we forget who we really are in Christ and forget that Jesus is there with us always in the first place. It startled me so much that I had something potentially hazardous come falling out of my mouth that I failed to realize, the negative words we spew out are just as hazardous if not more. Proverbs even speaks about the fact that the tongue holds the keys to either life or death.


As I was letting everything that I had read tonight reel around in my mind and was doing my last bit of getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror and touched my lip. (A step back into the present real quick. I had gotten all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out earlier that summer and the lower, left quadrant of my mouth had not regained feeling for months. I actually didn't get feeling back for a total of 9 months. I still can scratch my chin and feel it up in my lip - it's weird!) I still haven't fully gained back all of my feeling or sensations....and in fact, the feeling that I have gotten back really hurts. The teeth that are just inside by my lip are so incredibly sensitive that it hurts to brush my teeth, it hurts to take a bite of anything, it hurts to barely even touch them and then if I press too hard on them, it sends this wild (and not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination) sensation flowing through my lip. God started showing me something through all of that about my own life. Sometimes, when we have been numb for so long, we can't just jump right back into things. We can't take a bite out of life and expect things to be a-okay. It hurts to get our feeling back when we've been hurt in the past. We have to be cautious and careful. It takes time and healing and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. All in all, healing hurts sometimes.




Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Okay, so I just wanted to share an analogy I had today when me and my family were driving down to Dalton, GA.
I was really frustrated that we had to be going down there. I don't want to have anything to do with this last semester and of course the counselor that I was seeing is down there, and we had to pay off two different medical bills from down there. So, I was just in this huge funk this morning and my parents were trying to be all sweet to me and saying really nice things and trying to include me in conversations...but I was just remaining withdrawn and funktified.

So, I had this analogy come to me as I sat there in my cloud and gazed out the window as all of creation past by
I pictured myself tied to a chair in this disgusting old basement where water was pouring in and rising fast. The harder I tried to set myself free, the tighter the ropes dug into my skin and the more painful it was to be in that predicament. I struggled more and more fearing for my life as I saw the water rising. But the more I struggled, the more in danger I put myself in. The more I tried to take things into my own hands, the more I just continually hurt myself and it obviously wasn't getting me anywhere. Then, I felt God tell me to be still. So, I sat still and He came to my rescue. No, he didn't undo the ropes all at once, but little by little He began to loosen the ropes. I watched Him with great eagerness and when he told me to move I moved. I listened to everything He had to tell me. I wasn't scared of drowning in the water anymore because even though the water had finally risen above my head and I could do absolutely nothing about it....he had oxygen there for me as He continually, steadily worked on getting me free.

That really put a lot of things into perspective for me today. If I continue to whine and complain and miserably roll around in self pity, I just continue to hurt myself. But when we are still, that is when God can come to our rescue and guide us and lead us....not in our timing, but in His. I have definitely started to see God putting the pieces of my life back together and everything has totally changed. I profusely apologize for complaining so much all of the time. That is not faith and I long to live by faith and by the things that are unseen because I know my God is a pursuer and a loving God and wants the best for all of His children and never intends to harm us. I trust Him. I will say it over and over again until I get my flesh to obey and trust.

November 2, 2011

Isolation

Posted by Megzy at 11/02/2011 0 comments
Any little attempt to be happy is squelched by the reality that is my darkness.

It follows me, it latches on, and it never truly lets go.

It hurts.  This constant pain that is weighing me down.

This constant rejection.

Isolation is my only comfort.  Isolation is my only friend.

It's familiar and safer.

The darkness looms. 

The emptiness grows.

Peace comes in solitude.  Peace comes facing the reality of my darkness.

They don't know.  They can't know.  They will never understand. 

They will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.


Airing my lonely heart out on the sleeves of vulnerability

Crushed by the nonexistence

Torn by the absence

Accepting the detriment

Isolation is my only friend.

 

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