Make it a Choice

Many people set a resolution around this time of year as New Year's quickly approaches. One of the biggest resolutions people are bound and determined to make, as well as meet, is to lose weight.  I've had the privilege to watch my husband lose 25+ lbs over the entire month of November.  I am so proud of him and watching his success give me more desire to get back into a healthy lifestyle.

I've tried to "diet" before....many, many times.  No sooner do I quit just after a short period of time.  Typically, I last a day - two at most.  That's why I chose Weight Watchers because they define they're weight loss program as a lifestyle change, not a diet. 

One thing that I'm encouraging myself to do that works in conjunction with WW's "don't deprive yourself" is always ask the question - do I want to do __________ today? Do I want to eat healthy today? Do I want to exercise today? Sometimes the answer may be "no". The next step is to ask - will I do __________ today? It's very important to always give yourself the choice. This is a lesson I'm continually learning and it's a very important lesson to be learned.

I use to tell myself I was going to do something and then would end up sabotaging the whole thing by rebelling and doing the absolute opposite...and that was for any area in my life. Allowing yourself the choice to choose seems silly, but it works with kids and it works with our adult minds, too. 

This is a new beginning for me and although it may not be easy, I'm choosing this path; the path that will lead to a more abundant, fulfilling life.

Needing Change

Life feels like such a joke - such a farce.  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is consistent.

Everything I thought was real isn't.  Many of my religious beliefs have come from different religions and paganistic beliefs.  Christmas isn't even on Jesus' birthday. 

The way I grew up isn't even remotely a part of my existence now.  How the hell am I supposed to cope and deal with that??  The farther away I get from those times in my life, the harder life seems to get.  Like I'm trying to make it stand still, but we all know it can't.

So, I turn to what makes me comfortable.  Change.

Everything I've done seems like I've done it for the wrong reason. 

I jumped on the ball to start getting my masters because I felt like it took too long to get my undergrad.  PMDD played a huge role in me having to withdraw early from my first school.  So did trying to deal with feeling like I had no roots.  I'm not been the same since.

I jumped on the ball to go to a Christian college thinking I had to make up for not being able to graduate from the first Christian college.  It's a great school, but I feel like I'm back where I always end up.  Withdrawn from people. 

I deactivated facebook.  Now I'm withdrawn from more people.

When I'm hurting, I withdraw but it never helps.  It just solidifies my fears that people aren't around and they don't care to be around.  I shouldn't generalize like that because there are a very small handful, less than five, that have called and checked in on me.  It should be enough but all those people aren't here.  They are not tangible just like everything else in my life seems.  It all seems fake or dead.

I have ideas of things to change, but it's dependent upon other situations. 

I called my doctor and have another appointment this upcoming Thursday.  I just met with him last Monday.  I just can't shake this.  Everything seems cold and dead to me.  Nothing feel right. 

In light of what my counselor suggested, I'm writing openly and will always end or "sign-off" with something positive.

I'm super excited about buying the rest of everyone Christmas presents.  I've been trying to make a lot of gifts and planning isn't always easy for me, but I've got all the materials needed to get started.  I love creating.  I love seeing ideas become tangible - it's fun and exciting.

Peace

The same word has been popping up all over the place.  Peace.

I hear it in the Christmas music.  Peace on Earth.  Sleep in Heavenly Peace. 

I hear it in country music (that I'm forced to listen to - not by my own accord!)  Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.

I read in my devotion last night.

Peace is something I've been searching for for a long time.  What does it mean to be at peace?  What does this peace feel like?

I've been carrying around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years.  I've been carrying around burdens that are not my own.  I've been carrying around things that I long told God I would give to Him - that He's asked me to give to Him.

So many people in this world are hurting from so many different things.  Many people don't feel like anyone gives a crap about them, that no one cares to know who they are or what they have to offer. 

What does peace have to do with that?  I'm not sure.  I'm still trying to put all these thoughts and feelings together.

Dealing with PMDD has not allowed many peaceful times.  It feels like I'm always picking up broken pieces - pieces that I've broken, pieces of my heart, pieces from shattered relationships.  No time to truly mend and heal.  No time to bask in peace. 

I still don't know what it looks like.  I don't know what it feels like.  But I feel like I'm closer than ever to finding out.

Lessons from the Past

Before this blog, I use to write on xanga. I went there this afternoon and started reading some of my old posts. Even though I was writing during probably the hardest time of my life, I liked the person I was. I was real. I allowed myself to feel and feel freely - write about it freely. I continually sought after God regardless if I felt on the right track or not. I needed to read some of my old posts. God was always giving me analogies back then and I want to share them again.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I experienced a few range of emotions tonight and God showed me two very interesting points that I believe have a lot of symbolism. I love to read any kind of book that has to do with psychology and understanding one's personality. I always have and its always thrilled me to no end to understand others and the differences we all possess. Anywho. As I was reading through these books, I couldn't help but overlook sections about love and then sections about anger and bitterness. Basically, I feel as though there are many things from my past that I have drudged up and other things that I haven't even let go of even though I thought I had. I just laid down on my bed and started crying and asking God why I had to endure all the things I have and why I can't believe in myself and trust that I am the person He created me to be, when all of a sudden I felt this nasty rock-like thing in my mouth and I just stopped in the middle of what I was doing and pulled it out of my mouth. It smelt like a piece of lead, but I have no clue how it got there. After I had examined and focused on this little lead, rock thing in my mouth, I came to realize that I had forgotten all about what it was I was praying about. As I was thinking more about that....some symbolism came to mind. Sometimes when we allow negative things to come out of our mouths, we focus so much on that that we forget who we really are in Christ and forget that Jesus is there with us always in the first place. It startled me so much that I had something potentially hazardous come falling out of my mouth that I failed to realize, the negative words we spew out are just as hazardous if not more. Proverbs even speaks about the fact that the tongue holds the keys to either life or death. As I was letting everything that I had read tonight reel around in my mind and was doing my last bit of getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror and touched my lip. (A step back into the present real quick. I had gotten all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out earlier that summer and the lower, left quadrant of my mouth had not regained feeling for months. I actually didn't get feeling back for a total of 9 months. I still can scratch my chin and feel it up in my lip - it's weird!) I still haven't fully gained back all of my feeling or sensations....and in fact, the feeling that I have gotten back really hurts. The teeth that are just inside by my lip are so incredibly sensitive that it hurts to brush my teeth, it hurts to take a bite of anything, it hurts to barely even touch them and then if I press too hard on them, it sends this wild (and not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination) sensation flowing through my lip. God started showing me something through all of that about my own life. Sometimes, when we have been numb for so long, we can't just jump right back into things. We can't take a bite out of life and expect things to be a-okay. It hurts to get our feeling back when we've been hurt in the past. We have to be cautious and careful. It takes time and healing and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. All in all, healing hurts sometimes. Tuesday, July 25, 2006 Okay, so I just wanted to share an analogy I had today when me and my family were driving down to Dalton, GA. I was really frustrated that we had to be going down there. I don't want to have anything to do with this last semester and of course the counselor that I was seeing is down there, and we had to pay off two different medical bills from down there. So, I was just in this huge funk this morning and my parents were trying to be all sweet to me and saying really nice things and trying to include me in conversations...but I was just remaining withdrawn and funktified. So, I had this analogy come to me as I sat there in my cloud and gazed out the window as all of creation past by I pictured myself tied to a chair in this disgusting old basement where water was pouring in and rising fast. The harder I tried to set myself free, the tighter the ropes dug into my skin and the more painful it was to be in that predicament. I struggled more and more fearing for my life as I saw the water rising. But the more I struggled, the more in danger I put myself in. The more I tried to take things into my own hands, the more I just continually hurt myself and it obviously wasn't getting me anywhere. Then, I felt God tell me to be still. So, I sat still and He came to my rescue. No, he didn't undo the ropes all at once, but little by little He began to loosen the ropes. I watched Him with great eagerness and when he told me to move I moved. I listened to everything He had to tell me. I wasn't scared of drowning in the water anymore because even though the water had finally risen above my head and I could do absolutely nothing about it....he had oxygen there for me as He continually, steadily worked on getting me free. That really put a lot of things into perspective for me today. If I continue to whine and complain and miserably roll around in self pity, I just continue to hurt myself. But when we are still, that is when God can come to our rescue and guide us and lead us....not in our timing, but in His. I have definitely started to see God putting the pieces of my life back together and everything has totally changed. I profusely apologize for complaining so much all of the time. That is not faith and I long to live by faith and by the things that are unseen because I know my God is a pursuer and a loving God and wants the best for all of His children and never intends to harm us. I trust Him. I will say it over and over again until I get my flesh to obey and trust.

Isolation

Any little attempt to be happy is squelched by the reality that is my darkness.

It follows me, it latches on, and it never truly lets go.

It hurts.  This constant pain that is weighing me down.

This constant rejection.

Isolation is my only comfort.  Isolation is my only friend.

It's familiar and safer.

The darkness looms. 

The emptiness grows.

Peace comes in solitude.  Peace comes facing the reality of my darkness.

They don't know.  They can't know.  They will never understand. 

They will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.

Airing my lonely heart out on the sleeves of vulnerability

Crushed by the nonexistence

Torn by the absence

Accepting the detriment

Isolation is my only friend.

The Will and Want to Understand

There is something beautiful and almost sacred when human beings show compassion towards each other.  The simple act of a smile.  The gentle ease of a hug.  The kindness of a listening ear.  We need each other and we need to lift each other up.

Our youth pastor, Rob Bateman, once discussed with me what he's taught his own children "There is enough hatred and hurt in the world.  It won't be like that in my house.  We will love each other and we will be here to support each other."

Those words penetrated deep into my heart and represent that we should not add to the hatred and hurt in the world, but add more love and kindness.

We may not always understand where people are coming from, but the will and want to understand may far outweigh the actual comprehension of what a person is going through.  The fact that another living person is interested enough to try and understand who we are, what we're about, what we like and don't, sharing in our fears and dreams, etc gives a sense of belonging.

There are a lot of people in this world that don't feel they belong.  If they don't act a certain way.  If they don't look a certain way.  If they don't speak a certain way.  Why do we judge?  Because of fear - because most times the unknown is scary.


"Be kind and compassionate towards each other" ~ Ephesians 4:32

"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" ~ Colossians 3:12 

I use to ask myself why I had to go through difficulties with my emotions; why I had to deal with the stigma and embarrassment of a mood disorder because I'm already a super empathetic person by nature.  However, over these past 7 years, I've gained a deeper understanding of the pain others go through - how it feels to be mistreated, judged, disliked, ostracized, let down, and rejected.  By the same token, I have also learned from those experiences how not to treat others and that often times people just want to be acknowledged.  They want others to just TRY and understand where they're coming from.  They want others to TRY and listen without speaking judgement or giving advice.  They want someone to be there.  They want someone to care.  They want to know their life is valuable and has meaning.

We are reminded to feel for others, and to feel deeply:

"Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering" ~ Hebrews 13:3

Here's a secret. You may never understand, but my encouragement is don't stop trying. Don't stop reaching out. Don't stop showering compassion.

Here comes the "PMDD" again

You know the Eurythmics song "Here comes the rain again"....just switch some of the words around and make into a tragedy song instead of a love song and that is how I feel today.
Here comes the "PMDD" again....
Here comes the "anger" again....
Here comes the "tears" again....
Here comes the "paranoia" again...

Don't talk to me....but if you don't I'll be sad
Don't hug me....but if you don't then I'll be mad
Just hate me like I know you do
Just give me a couple days until this is through

Yeah, that's how I feel yet again.

What really got me in a tizzy is my brain thinking too much. I seem to have a tendency to do that during this time of month. Either the hamster is working over time or he's taking a nap upstairs in his wheel. Today he seems to be reeling out all sorts of anxiety-like thoughts.

When I first went through my string of doctors, I was diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder. Every once in a while, I'll do research and look stuff up to see why I was diagnosed as such. From my findings, I understand why I have traits of BPD. I'm insecure, I fear abandonment, I get super anger and impulsive, and I've very confused about who I am a lot of times because of everything I've been through and/or being a TCK.

I just get to thinking - what the heck is wrong with me? Will I ever just be OK? Will I ever be able to live out a happy, healthy life without always feeling like I'm in the wrong one way or another? Will I ever feel like I'm enough? Will I ever feel like I have people who love me and care about me even though I'm told everyday? What is enough for me? What am I expecting? And most importantly...why am I like this?!

If I don't get some of this out - I will implode and I would much rather not go back to my old tactics of coping.

These are the times I wish I had a magic wand so I could bop myself on the head to either make the thoughts go away or just knock myself unconscious for a while so that I will wake up when this junk passes. Le sigh...

It must be so nice for "normal" people to live out their lives not questioning their everyday existence. I wonder what that's like. It must be so nice for women to go through this time of month with little to no repercussions. It must be so nice to not be a woman! It must be nice to have your family live right down the road. It must be nice to think you're an awesome person. It must be nice to not have your moods fluctuate on you every couple of weeks. It must be nice to know what strength and courage is. It must be nice to know how much you are loved and feel secure in it.

Don't ask me who that's directed towards, I just feel like spouting off. I'm feeling sorry for myself and just angry. It's what I do....

I guess instead of here comes the PMDD again, I should say here IS the PMDD again. Seesh.

Breaking the Stigma - The Down and Dirty about my PMDD Story

I have a mood disorder. I am not afraid to tell people anymore. People need to be aware and they need to be educated. There is such a negative stigma attached to the term "mood disorder". Depression is viewed negatively in the church - it is viewed as laziness and an action that can easily be controlled. I am here to say, it is not that easy to switch gears when you have a chemical imbalance.



The term "bipolar" has come a long way in being accepted in our society. Is there still a long road for people that suffer with that disorder, absolutely! But there is much more awareness about the disorder.

I have PMDD - Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. I have a chemical imbalance. When my hormones shift, it causes a shift in my thoughts, my moods, my actions. There is research about PMDD, but not a lot. Most of the medical profession still do not widely accept this term even though it is listed in the DSM IV. My own psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Mood Disorder NOS which is is the most basic, generic diagnoses out there. I'm hoping to get him to change the diagnosis once he sees how well I've been doing.

I've been through the ringer with doctors. I've been misdiagnosed because the medication I was on caused adverse reactions. I took myself off everything completely and had been medication free the past three years. However, it didn't take the PMDD away.

Every month, like clock work, I would sink into the depression. The anger would well up inside of me. Every little thing would frustrate me and push me to my breaking point. I couldn't handle stress. I couldn't handle being around people. I thought the world hated me. I would hide from everything and everyone. I thought in generalities instead of rationally. I would wake up feeling like something bad was going to happen to me. I couldn't shake the feeling and I would go throughout the day just trying to simply live. I would try so hard not to cry where people could see me. I would try so hard to be strong and tell myself that NOTHING was wrong! It was ALL in my head!! I'm NOT crazy!!!

Every month, two days before my cycle would start, I would have complete emotional outbursts....my PMDD meltdowns. It would be the simplest thing to set me off. I can't even recall what it was that set me off, but I can remember the devastating after effects. I would cry and scream and hyperventilate (sometimes scream so hard that it would make my nose bleed) - feeling the world crashing down upon me. Feeling the room closing in on me. Feeling that my life was going to end at the detriment of my own hands because I couldn't bear to go on one more day like this.

I would throw things, break things, scream, cuss, flail, cry....so much crying. I would put holes in the wall and hurt myself. I could not control it. Like a little kid, scared and alone, lost in a sea of raging emotions.

I could not control it because that's what PMDD does. It makes you question everything and everyone. It makes you feel like you're a crazy loony. It makes you feel like everyone hates you and nobody will ever understand you. It makes you hate everything and everyone one minute and feel completely alone and ashamed the next. It's a vicious, un-ending cycle.

You get through the month, feeling beat up and bruised mentally and emotionally (sometimes physically, too!). You make it to your good days and then remember the hell you just went through. Then the questioning and shame fall upon you. If you're lucky enough to forgive yourself and move on...here it comes yet again!

I love the way Ericka Kroll describes PMDD in her blog, PMDD - Hard to Endure Harder to Explain. She says "The crashes are devastating, the return to normalcy is suspicious and all-too-short. It’s like a roller coaster that doesn’t let you off."

There is still not a lot of information about what causes PMDD. They think it's serotonin levels dropping dramatically when the hormones shift. New research believes that child abuse may have some ties to PMDD.

With that being said, women that have PMDD are very sensitive and very vulnerable - even more than your average woman. We deal with our minds and our bodies beating us up on a consistent basis and many of us have dealt with the pain of abuse in our past.

It only affects about 3-8% of women! THAT'S IT!!! There are so few of us and PMS already gets a bad rap from most men and the rest of society...how are we ever going to get the support and help we need?

That's why I'm tired of being silent. I've sat around with PMDD for the past 7 years telling myself that nothing is wrong. I don't have a mental health disorder. It's all in my head. I can control this. But I can't. If I could, I would have by now. I ended up in the hospital over 10 times in 2006 alone. I ended up back in the hospital this year...just two months ago. I could not handle life's stresses. I did not feel a need or want to continue living my life. But I sought help.

I also said no to doctor's that wanted to push medications I had never heard of. I've said it time and time before, we know our bodies better than anyone else. It took me this long to learn to advocate for myself. It took me having to go through hardships, misdiagnosis, incorrect medications, terrible losses, horrible feelings to realize I can be more than this!

I want to help others understand that PMDD is a real and prevalent issue. I am one person and all I have to share is my own experience, but sometimes all it takes is one small pebble to create a ripple effect.

Not everyone that has PMDD may feel the urge to speak out, and that's ok. Not everyone that reads this will get it or even care, and that's ok. We are all at different stages. I have lost so much of my life because of PMDD and I have nothing more to lose. Others have rejected me because of their own fear of the unknown. However, I am not ashamed of who I am because I am wonderfully made in the image of God. God created us all with a purpose, so I am here to break the stigma by exposing my own story of PMDD.

Work in Progress

I'm on a journey, just like we all are. I'm trying to find out my purpose. I'm trying to figure out who the "real" me is buried deep inside. Past all the disappointments, the failures, the ups and the downs. I'm trying to believe a little bit more in myself instead of being swayed by each emotion that comes along.

I'm not perfect. You may say, well duh! None of us are. So, why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we think when something goes wrong it's because we didn't do it the right way or the perfect way.

If I don't beat myself up about not doing something the right way, I swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and become apathetic. I don't care what anyone thinks or feels (this is a very rare occurrence and if it does happen...it lasts for a couple of moments).

Sometimes I get so mad at people when the hurt me. I want to scream at them and try to make them understand all I go through. But then I realize there may have been times I have hurt someone else. I realize that I may have misunderstood someone based on my own experiences or lack there of.

This blog has a two-fold message. If you feel misunderstood and the lack of love, realize and accept that you are still a work in progress. If others have hurt you and you're angry at them, realize they are still a work in progress. We're all on this journey together, but none of us have arrived. We are constantly being molded and when it seems hopeless or that someone is a hopeless cause....

Just remember, you/they are a work in progress and there is always room for improvement!

Dancing in the Rain

I don't want to add more sadness to the world. I don't want to add more troubles than there already are. I don't want to be a bother or a nuisance. I want to help. I want to heal. But the pain will not subside. Am I lonely because I withdraw or because people genuinely don't want to be around me? This is more than my PMDD. But it started with my PMDD.

It started because I was put on wrong medication. I was misdiagnosed. I went through nasty side-effects. I moved away to regain my strength and my life. But I needed to heal from another wound created on top of dealing with the disorder of PMDD.

I had a "relapse"...that's what I'll call it, however I've never felt suicidal not being on medication...and being in the hospital made me feel like I was starting back at square one. I was re-living all the previous pain, all the previous humiliation, all the previous misunderstanding. The only thing that changed was my level of fear. I wasn't scared. I chose to seek help even though I don't feel I received help. I chose to go to the hospital. I chose to find a doctor. I'm choosing whether or not I want to be on medication. Before I didn't feel I had a choice. I left everything in the hands of strangers. We have a choice. We have the choice to educate ourselves about what is going on. We have a choice to find another doctor if we don't feel they are the right one. We have a choice to live this life to the fullest.

I am miserable right now. I feel continually lost and alone. I know I'm not alone in my journey, but my faith waivers when I've been surrounded by emptiness for years upon years. The edges become blurry and I don't know if my actions are creating reactions or if this is reality. I feel boxed in and suffocated. I want to break free.

Four corners
More corners
Boxed in
Caged

Locked up
Suffocating
Closed in
Ashamed

Looking out
watching reality pass by
The beauty out there
The misery in here
Longing to die

The rain begins to fall
Cool and serene
Look! She's dancing, she's dancing
It's washing her clean

She's living, she's healing
It's so captivating
She's moving, she's thriving
It's so motivating

She stomps
She pounds
She jumps
She spins round and round

How did she get there
Why am I still in here
I want to be

Breaking free
Carelessly
Dancing in the rain

There are always doors
That you may never have seen
Because you were busy looking out the window
Longing for things that could have been

You too can dance in the rain
Dance despite the shame or the pain
Now is your chance to break the chain
Open your door and watch what you'll gain

Your life, your happiness
Your sanity
Your smile, your joy
At last you are free

The answers lie within us. We just have to believe enough in ourselves to realize that the door to unlocking our happiness has been there all along. It is different for each person. Believe. Break the chain. Break the stigma. Know that you are free. You nor I are bound by an illness, or a label, or a circumstance, or a situation. We are so much more. We can dance despite the rain. We can dance in the rain.

Our Lives are Like...Angry Birds

Have you ever realized how much our lives are like angry birds?! It's amazing the similarities. Angry birds is a game...our lives are somewhat like a game....maybe - depends on how you look at it. The piggies stole what belonged to the birds (that's why they're so angry!) - I know there are things and situations in my life, the obstacles I call my "piggies", that have tried to steal my happiness and bits and pieces of my life over and over again!

"The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and to destroy..." ~John 10:10

The game allows you to progress to different levels! It's awesome. That's how we are in life. We complete one "level" and get to move on to the next. Childhood. Teenagedom. The part of life where you're still growing your adult brain (18-25 years). Adulthood. Middleagedom. Gray-hairdom.

I'm just now passing from level 3 to level 4 (I finally grew in my adult brain!) However, this level is one of the hardest levels to pass! I thought Teenagedom was difficult! Eesh! There are more obstacles than ever before to hurdle over and more little "piggies" trying to steal what's not theirs! Or so it seems. Have you ever noticed that whatever "level" you're on in the moment seems like the absolute hardest thing to get through?

The neat thing about Angry Birds is that as the levels progress, become more difficult, and those piggies get a little more obnoxious, there are several birds you encounter along the way with different strengths. Some can split into three and break ice. Some can fly real fast and bust through wood. Some can poop out eggs. Some can turn into bombs and blast out whatever is in their way! It's so cool. But each bird is unique and with certain levels, only having one type of bird to combat the piggies would not suffice. They need each other!!!! Just like when we encounter different types of people in our own lives with different strengths. We can play this game of life much better together :)

Then there is the mighty eagle! This is my favorite part! Have you ever gotten stuck on a "level" before? Where no matter how hard you try and how many different angles you come at the obstacle/problem...you just can't seem to win? And those stupid little piggies laugh at you. Seriously. To top off your failure, they laugh in the most obnoxious snorting manner. How many times have we failed and feel like people are laughing at us? That's when the mighty eagle comes into play. When you've done everything you know how to do...the mighty eagle will swoop in and knock out EVERYTHING!!!! It's fantastic!!! This is God in my life. It doesn't mean we aren't supposed to do our part first. With angry birds you have to try everything you can first...and try multiple times! At least I do. Finally, I call in the mighty eagle to help out! And BAM!!! All those stubborn piggies are knocked out :)

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings." ~ Psalm 36:7

This is where Angry Birds and our lives may differ a bit. Some people might view utilizing the mighty eagle as "cheating". However, it is never considered cheating or a sign of weakness to call upon God when we need Him. In fact, he encourages us to call out to Him.

"Call to me, and I will answer you. I will tell you great and mysterious things you do not know." ~Jeremiah 33:3

Remember, you have the true Mighty Eagle by your side at any moment, at any time. All you need to do is confess your sins to the Lord and profess faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior. With Jesus on our team, we will always win!

"My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you I, whom you have redeemed. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.” ~Psalm 71:23-24

To finish the verse listed above, John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Now, what a fun game of life this will be to play! Don't you want to join me??

In the Darkness

I don't know how much longer I can hang on - to keep doing and being the same. Consistency is necessary for most, but when the constant equals a state of hell...I don't want it to be a part of my life.

I'm tired. It sounds like the boy who cried wolf. I'm always back in this place, engulfed by the darkness. But as it comes in its consistent way every single month without prevail, it is chipping away at my hope and I'm growing so weary.

I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of caring. I'm out of shape to run this race of life and I want to sit out. I want to be done. I don't see the point of doing the same things over and over. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

I know there are people out there that have it worse off than me and I always feel horrible if I voice my complaint. But I keep it bottled up and then it explodes. Every time it...I...explode, I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and trying to start again. Why start again if it's just going to happen over and over?

Life will go on. People will move on. How do they know...how do I know what a true cry for help is? I don't know if I'm going to choose life or choose to give up. I've fought for so long. I've fought for so long on my own and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying.

I've been looking and searching for some sort of meaning, but I haven't found it. Everything seems so superficial or what society deems acceptable. I don't want to play the universe's game any longer.

Anything that we don't deal with or believe ourselves is usually seen as "weird" or "wrong" or "dangerous". Look how we use to treat left-handed people. Look how we treated any person with a color other than white. Why does everybody have to do it our way? Why can't we accept people for the diversity they bring to the table? Do you realize if we were all the same what a boring world this would be? I refuse to be another consumerist barbie doll. But because I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm left groping for some sense of belonging. I'm left grasping at empty air all because I won't conform. But I can't because I don't belong anywhere. I'm not fully American and I'm not fully the other countries I lived in. Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? I've searched for some sort of identity, but I come up empty-handed every time.

If a choice is made, what amount of medication is going to truly change that? All it will do is make the person a vegetable; an empty shell moving through the motions dictated by the medical professionals of it's culture. That's not a way to live. I've been there and done that. Counselors have manipulated my memories and treated me like a machine instead of a living, breathing, emotive human being. Medication has made me into a monster, taken away my sanity, erased my memories. Why would I look to that again for help?

God...I don't know where He is. We, as Christians, are supposed to be His example on Earth. However, I've been ripped apart by fellow Christians. I've been scolded, chastised, reprimanded, accused of being demon-possessed. Is it inhuman to question God? Is it inhuman to want to know where He is, what He's doing? I don't go to church anymore because I feel it is a clique. It is another minority culture within the bigger American culture and if you don't do and say things just the way they think you should, you are ostracized.


Maybe my moods will shift tomorrow and it will all be better, but it hasn't yet. I've steadily been feeling like this now for almost 3 weeks and due to PMDD time - I'm sinking deeper into the darkness. When is it too far? When is it too late? But that's not really your concern, is it? Life will go on with or without me. Life will go on and maybe one day I'll find the light and be at peace, but right now I'm wandering aimlessly through the darkness.

My Wishy-Washy Ways

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks. I could probably blame the majority of it on being utterly exhausted, but I'm feeling a lot of uneasiness in the sense of belonging. I recognize my emotional state becomes very sensitive when faced with stress, not enough sleep, and eating the wrong kinds of foods (ie too much sugar and/or caffeine). Most people can handle being out of their routine for a little while before it affecting them, but I'm affected in a major way.

I haven't felt this down and out in quite some time. In fact, I haven't had such a jolt in my mood that wasn't premenstrual since being on medication. It's disturbing enough to question your worth and existence for a day or two and tell yourself it'll be over with and you'll be back to "normal" in a couple of days. That's a monthly occurrence. But to feel estranged, sad, indifferent, and hopeless for almost two weeks straight is disheartening.

I wonder where the line is drawn. Is it because I've been out of my routine? Is it hormone related? Is it TCK syndrome rearing it's head making me feel I'll never be accepted in my current culture? Or is it a combination?

I've always been wishy washy and I've always questioned things. Lately, I've been questioning a lot more. Why do I believe in what I do? Where is God? Why do we follow tradition? Because it's what society tells us to do? What if we get out of sync with society...will we ever be accepted and able to function on our own without peer approval? Or is it so engrained within us to have the acceptance of others? To belong to something. To have an identity somewhere. What if you don't fit in anywhere? You've been completely alienated. Do you quit questioning, conform, and just exist to get by? Or do you make a new path?

I feel like I don't belong. This isn't new. It's become a lot more prevalent and in my face than I would like to endure, but it's a truth. So I can continue to be upset or I can accept the facts and learn from it. I can accept what God has given me and make something out of it. I can accept that I will struggle on a monthly basis because of PMDD and learn to help others. I can accept that not everyone I meet will like me or accept me, but I can still be kind to them and shower them with love and acceptance. I can learn to make a new path.

Despite my wishy-washiness, I just have to believe there is a reason for all of this. I just have to believe that good will come from all of this. I have to keep fighting. I have to keep enduring. I don't know why, but this isn't over yet.

No more holding back

I've been very silent about my struggles with PMDD over the past 6 years. And now all I can do is ask myself why? I see other people advocating for things they deal with...whatever it is. I've watched my mother excel at her goals with weight loss. Has it been easy? No way! Has she been embarrased along the way, I'm sure she has. But I know other people have benefited from her successes.

I've revamped my blog and its a new beginning; a fresh start to say I am not afraid to share my story anymore. Whether its uncomfortable or not. Whether people leave my life or not. This is something I deal with and will probably always have to deal with (until menopause) and I want my voice, my story, to be heard! It's time to stop holding back out of fear.

I hope you'll join me along my journey.

Developing Self-Esteem

I had the chance to take a self esteem in leadership class this past semester and I wanted to compile some thoughts of my own along with other sources to create a helpful list for developing one's self-esteem.

Being a person that deals with PMDD and the depression, anxiety, etc that comes with it, I know first hand what low self-esteem looks and feels like. I've "worn" low self-esteem for a very long time and its detrimental. Just like depression, PMDD causes a cyclic feeling of lows. However, it comes much more often than actual depression. With that, its hard to continue to stand on your own two feet and get through the days after being down in the dumps. I know for me, I've asked "why" for so many years and have felt stuck more times than not. I've been hurt many times in my past and a lot of times, low self-esteem is developed from past hurts. We have a tendency to hold onto horrible things and lies that were fed to us at a young age (or perhaps even more recent). Being a woman, we want to be loved, adored, cherished, and feel like we're safe. When those things have been compromised, low self-esteem seems to develop.

Perhaps you were told you were no good or that you would never amount to anything when you were a child. Perhaps you were, at one time or another, in a toxic relationship where you were taken advantage of or just treated like crap. Or perhaps you have an illness/disorder, like I do with PMDD, that causes you to question your worth. Perhaps its a combination of all the above or perhaps your situation is completely different. Whatever your situation is and whatever has caused the low self-esteem, the first step to developing a healthy sense of self is wanting to be in a better state.

I am in no way a doctor or licensed to give advice, but I do have experience living and dealing with a chemical imbalance and have lived through the detriments that it causes. I am trying to live out a positive lifestyle for myself and I hope to pass along the good that comes from it.

The list you will find below has been complied from various places. Some items come from this book, Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem, that was used in the class I took, some come from this website, but a majority come from my own opinions, ideas, and things that I've tried for myself.

• PUT YOU FIRST: This can seem so hard. Often times we put others wants and needs ahead of our own and forget about yours truly. I use to get myself into toxic relationships where I constantly put others before myself all of the time. It became very unbalanced. I was hurting more times than helping them or myself. So my advice, put you first. Nobody knows you like you do. Treat yourself the way you would your best friend or child if they were going through a hard time (or whatever you're feeling/needing at that specific moment in time). Perhaps a little twist in the old golden rule: Do unto yourself as you would do unto others....During my bad week(s), I have to take time out for me. I'm honest with myself and with those around me. Others may not like it or understand it at first, but they will learn if they truly care about you. Try not to let it make you feel guilty. If people around you still make you feel guilty, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Which brings me to my next point...






• GED RID OF THE NEGATIVE IN YOUR LIFE: Whether its a negative relationship, negative friends, negative work environment, negative food/drink, negative talk. Now I'm not saying if its bad just to throw it out. There may be some things that are salvageable, but if its toxic...if its affecting you every day in every way, that's not good and it needs to get out of your life.


A big part of this is negative self-talk. We have this little (or maybe its a big) critic in our head ready to pounce anytime we screw up. Ready to tell you all your failures. Ready to lie to you over and over again. Negative self-talk typically shows itself as a permanent statement. I am so stupid. I am the worst person in the world. Not only is it permanent, it is a generalization. Not just a bad person, but the worst person in the whole world. These are just examples. So how to start to change that...





• REPLACE WITH POSITIVE: The website listed above states that "You can't think two thoughts at the same time. When you are thinking a positive thought about yourself, you can't be thinking a negative one." Well that's reassuring!! So, try to introduce happy, positive words into your everyday language and watch how the start to wiggle their way into your thoughts.
  
  For negative self-talk, try to not use words that are permanent - that sign, seal, and stamp the deal. Try not to use never, can't, won't. Instead, replace with what you are. It may seem silly at first, but try it. For example, I am good. I am loved. I am safe. I am a hard worker. I am a dedicated wife/girlfriend/friend. I am good at telling jokes. Anything else that is positive. It may be small at first because the negative talk has taken such precedence in your life for so long. Be aware that as you try this, the negative self talk will try to overpower the positive...but keep at it because remember, no two thoughts can occupy your mind at the same time!

Another way to replace positive with negative is to think about something that you are so proud of. Maybe the birth of a child. Maybe a praise you got on the job. Maybe an awesome craft you made. Maybe the fact you graduated (that's mine!). Whatever it is, think about it. If possible, display it so you can not only think about it, but you can physically see it manifested. Let it fill you up. Feel the proud. Feel the accomplishment.

Surround yourself with people that like you and treat you well. If you don't have any right now, be patient. Find ways to make new friends if all of yours are toxic. I had to do just that. I lost almost all of my friends, but I realized the majority were toxic. It took some time to develop new ones, but the opportunity will arise...if it doesn't, go to where you can make an opportunity (like a gym).
Read quotes that are inspirational. Discover what makes you feel happy and apply it.

Children are attracted to color and lights; it brings an instant smile to their faces. Tap into your inner child. Find something colorful, sparkly, or that is full of light. Create colors if you want.






• MAKE AFFIRMATION LISTS: This one also comes straight from the website, but I really like the idea. I use to write affirmations on my mirror so that I had to read them when I got out of the shower or when I looked at myself in the mirror in the morning.
  
  Making lists, rereading them often, and rewriting them from time to time will help you to feel better about yourself. If you have a journal, you can write your lists there. If you don't, any piece of paper will do.
  
  Make a list of:
  At least five of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity
  
  At least five things you admire about yourself, for example the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with your brother, or your spirituality
  
  The five greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer
  
  At least 20 accomplishments - they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree
  
  10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, watching children playing on a playground, gazing at a baby's face or at a beautiful flower, or chatting with a friend
  
  10 things you can do to make yourself laugh
  
  10 things you could do to help someone else
  
  10 things that you do that make you feel good about yourself
  

This is just a start to help you develop your self-esteem. Let me know if you've tried any of these techniques or if you have any others to share. I wish you luck and lots of love on this journey.

Creativity

It always seems to be after the storm passes that my creative gears start twisting and turning. I have a deep desire to conquer the world, but not in the sense of obtaining power over people. Conquering the world, to me, means instilling power in others; enabling others to know what good they are capable of; what awesome abilities they have to do and to create.

I believe that is why the arts are so powerful. You’re taking nothing and making it into something. You can take a blank piece of paper and fill it with wondrous, fanciful things. You can take a piece of wood or metal, blow through it and create beautiful tones and luscious harmonies. You can take a body and make it move in a way that tells a wonderful or tear-jerking story. There are so many other things that we can take and make into something else. To create is so powerful. It instills a sense of imagination; a way for your mind to play. By taking things that seemingly have no real use and transforming it into something beautiful and useful gives me such a sense of hope for better things to come.



Then I get discouraged because I feel like its all been done before. What could I throw in the pot to spice things up? What could I add to the mix to make things more colorful? What can I do that hasn’t been done before?

Even though I get discouraged, I still want to try. I’m striving for something better – to create something better – to motivate someone for better – to tweak something for the better. Ideas are bubbling and bursting in my mind constantly. I only wish I could hold onto one, make it concrete, and form it into something a tad more tangible. It’s that darn Idealist in me!!



I have a couple of things up my sleeve that I’ll be sharing soon. For now, though, I would love to know and hear your thoughts on the following questions. What are some things you would like to do better? What is something that you would like to create?

Walk the Talk

I've been writing a lot about positivity and how to make it relevant and applicable. I even wrote a blog about the power of your words and how to talk effectively to change bad habits of thinking, but I'm learning that words alone aren't always enough. I'm learning that your actions have to convey what your words are saying.

Some people know how to use words to their benefit. They speak eloquently and with fervor and when they say things, we think they have it all together. However, when other's words and actions don't line up, we feel a sense of violation. We feel "had". It may even become a "boy who cried wolf" situation and we lose a lot of respect for those people. I'm sure we've all encountered situations like that - I know I have, but how often do we step back and take a moment to examine our own actions and how they line up with what we say? How often do we examine if we're falling into the same pretense?

I've done just that recently and realized I've had little to no motivation to put into action any of my positive thinking. Instead, I've let my circumstances beat me down until my old ways of thinking, talking, and doing creep back up. I'm trying not to whine about "how hard it is" or that "I can't do it". Instead of negative talk, I just don't say anything at all. But, honestly, I ask myself how conducive is that really. What am I doing to put forth my plan for positivity? Not much lately...

Not saying or doing anything at all can be just as bad as negative talk, and here is the reason why.

Negative talk means you're moving, but usually in the wrong direction. Not saying or doing anything means you're stagnant; you're not progressing forward. It's good to sometimes be still and assess the situation before moving forward, but I've made a plan and my actions are not lining up with my words. So, how the heck do I do this? I've chosen a couple of quotes to help me answer this question.

"Life is like riding a bicycle - in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving." ~Albert Einstein~


"There is no one giant step that does it. It's a lot of little steps." ~Peter Cohen~

"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time." ~Joe Girard~

The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. ~Chinese Proverb~

I guess what I'm seeing with these quotes is that there does have to be an action, a movement, but that action does not have to be giant or monumental. No, its quite the opposite. Little steps. Baby steps. I had forgotten that was part of the plan.

I keep saying how much I want to lose weight, and then I sit on the couch every night when I get home. I keep saying how much I want to be positive, and then I complain and gripe about things that irk me every chance I get. I keep saying how I want deep meaningful friendships, but then I cancel on people left and right. I keep saying how I want to develop my relationship with God, but I struggle to read my bible. So.....are my actions lining up with my words? Not really. It's a learning process and I'm gonna start one step at a time.

Wish me luck as I begin to not just talk the talk, but learn to walk the talk one baby step at a time.

Optimism versus Hope

Optimism -- "to expect the most favorable outcome"

Optimists and their counterparts, pessimists, are always looking at things, events, situations and perceive them with an either sunny-side up or runny-side down sort of attitude.

You've heard the old adage, "is the glass half-full or half-empty" and the optimist would chime in "half-full!" while the pessimist would lament "half-empty....sigh....". But what happens when there is no water in the glass at all? Or what happens if the glass shatters?

What I'm getting at is that both optimists and pessimists look at life based on facts and their reality. I would absolutely encourage people to have more of an optimistic point of view rather than pessimistic. However, there comes a point in all of our lives when we face harsh realities. Some more than others.

Some deal with chronic sickness. Some deal with the death of loved ones. Some deal with abuse from the past (or even present). Some deal with every day stress. Some deal with feeling absolutely no control over their lives. Whatever it is you have dealt with or still deal with, it is your reality and there are just some things in life we cannot look upon in an optimistic way.

And that is where hope comes into to play.

Optimism is based on the physical evidence. Hope is based on things that are not seen. Hope is faith driven; hope is a desire to want better. Hope is a desire to believe there is better regardless of how the situation actually looks. You can change your attitude and you can change your mindset, but without prefacing hope - optimism will never exist. Or if it does, it will soon tire because this world is full of harsh realities. Even the best optimist will grow weary in their positive outlook without hope.

"Hop" is apart of hope. A hop. A jump. A leap.

Hope is a leap of faith. Without it, despair and depression will take over. With it, we can turn our wants and desires to live a healthy, happy life into reality.

I'm an Idealist, what are you?

I was thinking about creating a new blog of all self-assesement tests and this was the first blog to be written, but I said....nnnaaaahhhh...so I moved it over here. Hope you enjoy :)

If you haven't already taken the Myers-Briggs personality test, you can still do so here.
I'm an ENFP. According to David Keirsey, PHd., I fall into the line of being an Idealist.

I'm a huge Alice in Wonderland fan and the newest Tim Burton version that came out in 2010 portrays several characters into each of the four quadraints of Keirsey's Tempermants. Feel free to click on the title to read more about yourself. I'm just listing the core elements of each along with the Myers-Briggs personality types that fall under each.


GUARDIAN

Before you get your panties in a knot, you have to know that Guardians aren't bad. Even though a guardian is displayed as the mean Red Queen in Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland, guardians are very good at directing and keeping people safe.

Core qualities
*Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working.
*Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders.
*Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions.
*Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice.

ESTJ (Superivsor)
ISTJ (Inspector)
ESFJ (Provider)
ISFJ (Protector)


ARTISAN Such a great heroine. An adventurer at heart. Always seeking new and creative ways to do something.

Core qualities
*Artisans tend to be fun-loving, optimistic, realistic, and focused on the here and now.
*Artisans pride themselves on being unconventional, bold, and spontaneous.
*Artisans make playful mates, creative parents, and troubleshooting leaders.
*Artisans are excitable, trust their impulses, want to make a splash, seek stimulation, prize freedom, and dream of mastering action skills.

ESTP (Promoter)
ISTP (Crafter)
ESFP (Performer)
ISFP (Composer)


IDEALIST
You either loved these two or they got on your nerves. Keep in mind all of these characters are an absolute exaggeration of the tempermant types. These two, the White Queen and the hound dog, just wanted things to come together in harmony and were the "family-oriented" type. Don't hate, cuz I fall into this category :)

Core qualities
*Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
*Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
*Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
*Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

ENFJ (Teacher)
INFJ (Counselor)
ENFP (Champion) (pssst...this is me!!!)
INFP (Healer)

RATIONALS I'm sure we've all encountered a rational. The ones that are fabulous at coming up with answers to complex problems. Super curious. I love the irony in the fact that Tim Burton made the Mad Hatter a rational :)

Core qualities
*Rationals tend to be pragmatic, skeptical, self-contained, and focused on problem-solving and systems analysis.
*Rationals pride themselves on being ingenious, independent, and strong willed.
*Rationals make reasonable mates, individualizing parents, and strategic leaders.
*Rationals are even-tempered, they trust logic, yearn for achievement, seek knowledge, prize technology, and dream of understanding how the world works.

ENTJ (Fieldmarshal)
INTJ (Mastermind)
ENTP (Inventor)
INTP (Architect)

So, do you think Tim Burton did a good job of displaying Keirsey's 4 temmpermants in these 4 characters? Can you see yourself in the character in which you fall into the same category? Let me know what you think?

Because, afterall, it's all about you, don't you know?!

Positivity is a Choice

Even when you're trying to be positive, you will still have your down days. You will still have things - life - stress thrown at you, but positivity pays off in the end. You are not only changing your mindset, you are also changing your lifestyle.

I don't FEEL positive, but I'm choosing to be positive. I don't FEEL happy, but I'm choosing to acknowledge the good in my life. I don't FEEL the change, but I believe it's coming.

Do you see the real enemy? Or at least its my enemy...FEELINGS. In an earlier post I discussed how I clung to my feelings because they were the only things that made me believe I was alive. When I was put on all kinds of medication, I couldn't feel anything and I told myself that I would much rather feel than to go through life numb. Some feelings are good, but too many can drown you.

I equate it to watering a plant. Some water is good and you need it to sustain life to the plant. However, too much water will inevitably kill the plant.




My feelings have been drowning me. They have been suffocating me. I recognize that I am among the type that are more emotional on the outside and express those emotions a lot more freely than others, but just as much as I have a lot of feelings, those people that don't have enough or express any emotions will hurt their "plant" just as easily as having too many.

It's all a balancing act, really. It's easier said than done. So where does the balance come into play? It comes from choosing to be positive. You don't have to be annoying about the positivity. And its not a disservice to your true self. That is something I had to (and am still having to) allow myself to understand. I thought the universe ethics police would come knocking at my door if I were to *gasp* not tell the truth about how I was really feeling!

You don't have to lie. You just have to make a choice about how you WANT to feel and then put that into action.

First step is, it is a choice.

Nobody is making you choose to be happy. Nobody is making you choose to be negative. You're at a fork in the road. Which one do you choose?

Plan for Positivity

I've been very down lately. And I'm tired of being down. I'm tired of wallowing.

Do not get me wrong. I completely, 100% accept that I have a hormone imbalance that jades my thoughts and effects my emotions, however I want to stop asking why and start moving forward. Also I want and need to realize this is only one aspect of who I am - not the whole.

What helped me out of my mood yesterday was a combination of a couple of things.

I've been listening to stories about others who aren't doing anything with their lives. They are completely "content" in their misery. Then I've listened to others around me and how NEGATIVE they are about EVERYTHING. Lastly, I've been hearing and seeing glimmers of hope and positivity everywhere I turn. Out of those three, I would like to contribute the last thing to the world. Not more stagnation. Not more negativity. Not more hopelessness. More positivity. More life. More hope. More good.




No more Negative Nancy!




To aid with this I have a plan (SHOCKER ~ yes I know! It's me, the one who never plans for anything). My plan is as follows:


1.Say Thank You --- And Mean It!
To a compliment, to someone who did something genuinely nice for you, to someone who may not deserve it, and lastly to yourself. Say thank you. We often give thanks at Thanksgiving. We recognize the things that we are grateful for and then eat a big meal. But what if we looked for the things to be grateful for and things to give thanks about every day?
Start small. Baby steps. Find three things to be thankful about each day. After a while, it will become like second nature and thankful, grateful thoughts will fill your mind quickly and with ease.


2.Seek out Hope and Inspiration
You know that old saying, when you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all? I've kinda been doing that with a twist. When I'm down or in a foul mood, sometimes (though not all of the time, remember baby steps) instead of voicing my complaint I find an inspirational quote that will help me through the day. The more good and hopeful we put in, the more good and hopeful we'll get out.







3.Lend a Helping Hand
I try to look for at least one opportunity each day to be a Good Samaritan for someone else. Whether it be something small like smiling at someone who looks down or just because, or complimenting a person -- to something a little bigger like helping someone on the side of the road or blessing a person with money. Whatever it is, just do something! Acts of altruism are the fastest way to feeling better about yourself and the world we live in. Volunteering is also another great way to lend a helping hand. I've recently started volunteering for a Reading for the Blind Service and I've met the neatest, most kind-hearted people who fight life with such fervency despite their disabilities. It's a beautiful thing to be able to give your time and talents to those who need it and even more to those who need it and haven't asked for it.



4.Be the Better Influence This is actually a combination of Gandhi's quote "Be the change you wish to see in the world" and the commercial against drugs that says "be above the influence".
There are natural leaders and followers in all of us. Sometimes we would rather be a follower than a leader, but I encourage you as I encourage myself to be a better influence to those around you. If people are speaking negatively, speak positivity into their lives. You don't have to do it in a "I'm better than you" way. If someone is doing something you don't agree with - don't follow their actions. We teach this value of integrity to children all the time, but yet often forget how to apply it to our own lives.
This point is not to say that I'm BETTER than anyone else, but rather I'm CHOOSING ACTIONS THAT ARE BETTER SUITED TO LIVE A POSITIVE AND HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. Does that make sense?

All I do is ask Why

I had an episode last night. Yes, a full blown panicky PMDD episode. I tried to contain it. I was exhausted and I just wanted to lay my head down to rest - to get some sleep. But it overcomes me. The sadness, the fear. I cover my ears and I just start screaming and crying. I can't breathe. I can't escape. I try to calm myself down in my mind, but its no use when you're in the midst of the storm.

And all I can do is ask why.

Why did I lose so much of my life. Why was I put on medication that was wrong for me. Why am I still going through this. Why am I not strong enough. Why am I a freak. Why am I acting like this. Why am I not any better. Why?

I cannot move ahead because I want an explanation. I've realized its not because I lost my home or because I lost all my friends at my first college. Of course those things have been difficult to deal with, especially the latter. It's because I don't understand it and I can't rationalize it - most especially when I'm in the middle of it. And I want to know why. I want to know what the purpose of this is. I want to know why so I can move forward.

But what happens if I never know why? Will I always be stuck in the "deer in headlights" surprise mode every time this comes upon me? That's how it feels! I switch from being able to handle things and go through life and deal with stresses to being knocked flat on my face by the pain, the agony, the depression, the emotions, and the thoughts.

And I'm tired. Because I WANT to move ahead. I'm not even angry at the moment that when I've reached out for help people turn the other way. I've gotten use to people not understanding. Doctors still don't really understand. It seems so easy to say here take birth control. Or here take an anti-depressant. Those things make it WORSE! Yes WORSE than what I'm dealing with now.

And because I ask why, I am stuck. I want help. I want people to know this is real. This is not pretend or in my head or an outburst for attention. There are other women suffering just as much as I am! But they may be keeping quiet because they don't know why they act this way either. They are scared. I'm scared, too.

PMDD causes shame and confusion. It causes us to withdraw. It causes heartache and ruins relationships. It causes people to turn their back on you because they don't understand. We don't always understand either! We are not crazy. It's a hormonal imbalance that wrecks havoc on our lives. It is miserable. And there is only so much one person can do.

I don't know why. I don't know if I'll ever know why. But I still ask it every single day.

So close, yet so far

I'm doing everything within my power not to give up for good at this point. It may not seem like it, but I've been fighting so hard lately. I am SO sad its ridiculous. I don't feel like anyone understands.

I wish more than anything I could have energy. I wish more than anything I could find the positive in everything. I wish more than anything I could hold normal conversations with people and not think I'm doing something wrong or over analyze what they're thinking about me. I wish I could just be happy.

My problems seem so petty and insignificant compared to others. So, I doubt my issues and I doubt my sadness and I make things worse because I tell myself to be quiet and then I carry it around for several more months or years.

When I feel like this, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. I can't tell if its actually the PMDD or if I'm just a sorry loser. My self-esteem goes to the crapper and I can't handle ANYTHING! I doubt that I'm capable of anything good.

I'm so close to graduation, but I have this incessant fear in the back of my mind telling me that I'm so close, but I'm not going to make it. That's where I'm at right now. I don't feel like I'm going to make it. I keep telling myself to plug along - to keep going - to keep trying - to keep hoping - to keep praying - to keep seeking - to keep trusting - to keep believing.

My bad days aren't like the "typical" bad days. My bad days are trying to encourage myself that my life is worth living. That it feels good to breath. That things are not always what they seem. I'm so scared that this wretched disorder is going to ruin my life - my mind - for good and I won't be able to encourage myself or anyone else ever again.

I'm hurting so much and I don't know what to do to make it stop. I don't know where to go and I don't know how this is going to be OK. I feel so close to everything, but so far away.

----edit-----

This song has been stuck in my head all day and its what's getting me through right now. I hope it speaks to your heart like its doing mine.

It lies in the power of our words

Holy crap! Everything seems to be out of place today. Everything seems to be out of sorts today. Every little ding, dang, darn thing is getting on my freaking nerves today and its not even 9 in the morning!

These are the times I wish I could have a body waiter and order up something completely different than what I have now. Or, more realistically, I wish I could just go to bed and sleep it away for the next couple of days.

The mind is a very interesting thing. It can be filled with thoughts that you don't want anything to do with and we can let our mouths tell all our mind's secrets....OR we can let our mouths tell our minds what it should think.

We often times don't believe we have the power to overcome bad days. We don't believe we can get past the depression or the sadness. We don't believe we can hang on when its all so overwhelming. But despite how you are feeling or what your mind is trying to tell you, we can overcome all of that.


It all lies in the power of our words.

If we speak life to ourselves, we will hear that life and it will be seeded deep in our minds. Just like when you're around a bunch of people that are negative. If that's all you hear is "wha-wha" this and "yip-yip" that, let me tell you how that wiggles its way deep into your mind and starts to fester until you start to "wha" and "yip" yourself. However, if you've ever been around a positive person and heard the great things coming out of their mouth....does it catch you off guard? I hope it does and I hope it makes you think.

Truth be told, its not easy to be positive. We have a lot of hard stuff we all deal with in this world. I use to think if I didn't tell people or myself how I was/am TRULY feeling, I'm not being honest with anyone. It's OK to vent. But when everything becomes negative and everything becomes sadness and everything becomes the bad icky stuff - that's where the problem lies.

I go through a storm every single month. It's not fun by any stretch of the imagination and because I know its coming, its THAT much harder to try and stay positive. It knocks me down time and time again. I'm not gonna lie - I wallow most of the time. If you look at my other posts, it helps me to express the inner turmoil I go through. But....

Now is the time I'm going to start speaking life and positivity. My feelings and most especially my mind may not jump on board right away, but I believe the more you seed good, beautiful, lovely, peaceful, grateful, positive and happy thoughts in, the more they will start to bloom and grow on their own.

Does this take away my struggles. No. Does it take away my need to get the anger, angst, irks, irritability, sadness, etc out. No. All of these things need to be validated and if they're not, I need to find a safe place where I can divulge this sensitive info. I encourage you as I encourage myself to grab hold of the positive in your life and turn your eyes to it instead of whatever else may be going on. Is it a cop out? No. It's a coping mechanism.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

Try just one more time

There are so few days where I feel the courage, strength, motivation,will, or want to keep going on. It's days like these I turn to words of hope and inspiration.

If you're feeling a little weary in your journey today, I hope some or even just one of these quotes will inspire you to keep going - to keep swimming. Because you are so worth it.


When the world says, "Give up,"Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~ Author Unknown


When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn


Consider the postage stamp; its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing until it gets there. ~Josh Billings


For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again. ~Proverbs 24:16


Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson


Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. ~ Thomas Edison


I hope you find strength to keep trying just one more time.