It lies in the power of our words

Holy crap! Everything seems to be out of place today. Everything seems to be out of sorts today. Every little ding, dang, darn thing is getting on my freaking nerves today and its not even 9 in the morning!

These are the times I wish I could have a body waiter and order up something completely different than what I have now. Or, more realistically, I wish I could just go to bed and sleep it away for the next couple of days.

The mind is a very interesting thing. It can be filled with thoughts that you don't want anything to do with and we can let our mouths tell all our mind's secrets....OR we can let our mouths tell our minds what it should think.

We often times don't believe we have the power to overcome bad days. We don't believe we can get past the depression or the sadness. We don't believe we can hang on when its all so overwhelming. But despite how you are feeling or what your mind is trying to tell you, we can overcome all of that.


It all lies in the power of our words.

If we speak life to ourselves, we will hear that life and it will be seeded deep in our minds. Just like when you're around a bunch of people that are negative. If that's all you hear is "wha-wha" this and "yip-yip" that, let me tell you how that wiggles its way deep into your mind and starts to fester until you start to "wha" and "yip" yourself. However, if you've ever been around a positive person and heard the great things coming out of their mouth....does it catch you off guard? I hope it does and I hope it makes you think.

Truth be told, its not easy to be positive. We have a lot of hard stuff we all deal with in this world. I use to think if I didn't tell people or myself how I was/am TRULY feeling, I'm not being honest with anyone. It's OK to vent. But when everything becomes negative and everything becomes sadness and everything becomes the bad icky stuff - that's where the problem lies.

I go through a storm every single month. It's not fun by any stretch of the imagination and because I know its coming, its THAT much harder to try and stay positive. It knocks me down time and time again. I'm not gonna lie - I wallow most of the time. If you look at my other posts, it helps me to express the inner turmoil I go through. But....

Now is the time I'm going to start speaking life and positivity. My feelings and most especially my mind may not jump on board right away, but I believe the more you seed good, beautiful, lovely, peaceful, grateful, positive and happy thoughts in, the more they will start to bloom and grow on their own.

Does this take away my struggles. No. Does it take away my need to get the anger, angst, irks, irritability, sadness, etc out. No. All of these things need to be validated and if they're not, I need to find a safe place where I can divulge this sensitive info. I encourage you as I encourage myself to grab hold of the positive in your life and turn your eyes to it instead of whatever else may be going on. Is it a cop out? No. It's a coping mechanism.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

Try just one more time

There are so few days where I feel the courage, strength, motivation,will, or want to keep going on. It's days like these I turn to words of hope and inspiration.

If you're feeling a little weary in your journey today, I hope some or even just one of these quotes will inspire you to keep going - to keep swimming. Because you are so worth it.


When the world says, "Give up,"Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~ Author Unknown


When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn


Consider the postage stamp; its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing until it gets there. ~Josh Billings


For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again. ~Proverbs 24:16


Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all. ~Emily Dickinson


Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. ~ Thomas Edison


I hope you find strength to keep trying just one more time.

Angry Rant

I'm so angry. I'm so mad. And when I feel like this...I feel so....alone. I feel like when I should be taking a step back from everything and calming myself - life pops up with all kinds of CRAP to pull me back under. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water and doing everything possible to live this life out to the best of my ability.

And then more crap is thrown at me. And I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere to dodge it. I can't escape it. So, I sit and wait. And it sucks. Then the thoughts start. And I'm angry and I don't feel worthy. And then I'm angry some more.

This just is not fair. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING is the way that I WANTED IT to be!!! I've poured out for so long to others. I've listened and shared in their happy times and their sad times and completely let me fade. I don't want to fade. And when I'm upset, I have nowhere to go. And here I am alone again. In my anger. In my misery. In this wretched place that I keep trying to escape. But it engulfs me. And I'm drowning. How the hell do I get out? How the hell did I get here to begin with?! Where is God? Where is my life going? What did I do to deserve this? Is this all there is to my pathetic life?

It's so hard to have hope on days like these, but I have to cling to God. That's what I promised. That's what I told myself. When I was in the darkest times of my life, I promised I would never let it get that dark again - but it just seems to come out of nowhere. The invisible attacks. The visible attacks. The attacks from the left - the attacks from the right. I can't escape and I need help.

Jekyll and Hyde - Stupid PMDD

So...the good mood is gone. The PMDD has reared its ugly head. It's taking everything within me not to run out of the room crying. It's taking everything within me to calm myself and reassure myself that everything will be OK. How the heck can I be a counselor to myself when I'm a patient at the same time. Isn't that like Jekyll and Hyde syndrome?

But that's what PMDD does. It comes out of nowhere...well, that's not true. You know its coming but you never know exactly how its going to rear its ugly self. You don't know if its going to be physical pain or all anxiety or a wave of paranoia or sheer, uncontrollable anger or complete and utter despair or self-hating or a mix of everything!

Its just so hard sometimes. It's hard to sit and try to complete your daily functions. Its hard to explain to people why you look so stressed out without breaking down. It's hard to know whats you and what's not. It's hard to just live sometimes.

"Magical" laughter

So, how I could absolutely and completely forget why I love my favorite movie as much as I do is beyond me!!! There are so many things that make me giggle in this movie. So, I will devote this blog to a clip that shows hilarious parts of my favorite #1 movie, the Tenth Kingdom.

When I can't....I hope

I'm agitated and angry today. I care but could care less. I want people around but want to push everyone away. Opposites are the epitome of my life or so it seems in this moment! I want to scream and I want to cry. I'm incredibly insecure, but I still want to conquer the world.

I'm trying so hard to push past this negative cloud that seems to follow me around. I try to fill my life with goodness and positive quotes. I try to bask in what little sunshine there is up here in the great white north. I try and try and try some more. My moods seem to take on the manifestation of the weather outside. When Mother Nature cries, I cry. When she's bright and chipper, I'm right by her side skipping along the way. When she is dark and dreary, I feel the same.

I want to be left alone, but I want a hug. I want to fit in but I want to be an individual. There is this constant balancing act of what to do, what to say. Did I say too much? Did I say too little? Did I say something too stupid? Am I acting stupid? Then comes the self monologue of screaming at myself to shut up!!! Stop whining. Stop complaining! Stop the madness! Yes, its true. I annoy the crap out of myself. It's like there are two people inside of me. One who is this little imp of an insecure baby and one who is a nasty, mean, vicious, snarling creature. They butt heads constantly and I'm left in the middle with this immense feeling of confusion!

In amongst all these crazed feelings, I deal with being a chameleon. Most TCK's are very good at this suit. We observe the situation, take in who it is we are around and mold ourselves carefully into our surroundings so to fit in. You have to when you're surrounded by different cultures and people. I don't necessarily see this as a "bad" thing. However, I feel like I don't know who the heck I am anymore. I know this change or adaptation is on the surface, but where am I down deep inside? And do I even want to know? I don't think I like this person that has been hiding away for so long. So much crap and goop I haven't dealt with. So much anger and hurt that's been sitting, festering, and growing.

I get confused about who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I have very few strong opinions about things and it seems the people I'm surrounded with in the place I'm at now ALL have strong opinions about EVERYTHING and there is something wrong with me if I'm not like them! I can't constantly try to appease everyone, but when I stop blending, it appears people don't want to be around me anymore. Then I'm back to this cycle of well if I'm withdrawing, that means people are going to withdraw from me.

I hate it!!! I hate me sometimes! I hate that I can't just be happy all of the time. I hate that I can't take the kindness and love I so desperately want to shower on others and shower a little on me. It's aggravating and frustrating and I'm angry at myself for not being able to move. I move a little and then get stuck. I wallow and get myself stuck even more. So I sit down because I grow weary.

I cling to the three things I know make up my identity. PMDD, being a TCK, and being a Christian. However, I still feel like I'm not fully accepted with any three of these things. I just so desperately want to be accepted. Not a freak. Not a failure. Just a well-adjusted person trying to get through life and hopefully making a difference.

I can and I can't. I will and I won't. I am and I'm not. I'm here but want to be there. I'm there and want to be somewhere else. Constantly and consistently the same. Wishy-washy. Mulled over by the simplest things. My feet aren't planted in rich soil, but instead this muck and I'm suck and I can't grow or move. I think I'd like to grow, but then I don't want to be rooted because I want to go. But with no roots, I have no real depth. So all this junk is out here on the surface. I'm just aggravated and wanting to throw in the towel.

A lesson in sailing.

I have this really cool app on my iPhone that is an inspirational app. The author/maker of the app uses themes from nature to inspire, guide and educate! It's pretty cool and has definitely helped me with my quest for positivity.

Well, I was looking through several of the emotions this weekend (don't ask me to tell you what they were because I honestly can't remember) but the same theme kept arising. The app was discussing polarity and how everything in nature wants and needs to find balance. I'm reading along and think I'm getting the gist of it all. However, I came across this first quote:


"In the mysterious mirror, life reflects you to yourself"

I'm not gonna lie, I started to get a little uncomfortable...but I kept going. I started to read about how polarity "actually shows the way energy attracts because of the way it is related". And how "attitudes can be polarized by the tendency to search for and interpret evidence to reinforce what you already believe." Here was the real kicker for me. The quote that said:
"Feeling rejected is a safe escape for your own fear of commitment."

Of course I just got ticked at first! I thought, that's so not true. I was let down by people and they deserted me, not the other way around. I didn't choose to have PMDD and I didn't choose go through all the crap I have gone through. I was mad and I didn't want to read anymore. But then I realized something. No I didn't choose what happened to me, but I have chosen every action there after.

The very first quote mentioned how life is like a mirror reflecting yourself back to you. I often times wonder why I was such a happy teenager and why I had so many great friends. If I look at my life as a mirror reflecting myself back to me, then I can assume that I was being a great friend at the time. Over the last several years, I haven't had many friends at all and perhaps that has been a reflection of my inability to let go. My inability to be warm and open because I was so hurt. My inability to trust and have good conversation. My inability to know how to be a good friend. Instead, the hurt that I was caused calloused me and my withdrawn reaction caused people to withdraw from me.

As a young Christian I found it difficult to understand why people had such a hard time forgiving other people. I often questioned why there was so much bitterness and I vowed that I would never be like that! It just wasn't in my nature! I would never be like the Isrealites going round and round their mountains! And then came my struggles with PMDD. Oh. How naive had I been.

For the first time I'm seeing PMDD in a different light. I'm seeing it as an opportunity to fall swifter and deeper into the arms of God when times of trouble come about. I use to see it as a personal attack. I would shake my fist at God and question what I did to deserve this. Why was this my punishment?! But now I see it as an opportunity to develop my attitude and to find out more about myself; it will be an opportunity to realize that I cannot go through this life without clinging to God. And I know I've said it before, but I believe my pains will hopefully help someone else. I also hope that I will learn how to enjoy life on a deeper level since I experience pain and the torrents of hell on earth.

Attitude will be the sail on my ship. With the right sails, we can catch the wind of goodness and steer in the direction we would like to go.

I may not always have the right attitude, especially when I feel I'm not in my right mind, but I feel I'm going in the right direction and that's a start. :)

Things that make me laugh - Part I

Ok, so I've still been having a difficult time thinking up things that make me laugh...and truly make me laugh - from deep within. You know, the joy that starts bubbling slowly and then bursts with goodness when it reaches the top! That's the kind of stuff I'm looking for.

With PMDD, there are so many days that I'm down and out and feel out of sorts. So, I feel its important to hold onto the good times and the things that bring joy into my life, even if they seem small, insignificant, silly, or even a little stupid sometimes. When you deal with a disorder that wrecks havoc on your life every single month and THAT is what you have to look forward to, well I think even the little things can become important things.

So, I'm divvying this up into parts because I can only think of a couple of things off hand right now that make me laugh and I hope it will bring some joy to your day too!!


This is my FAVORITE Mr. Bean skit. We grew up on Mr. Bean and Rowan Atkinson's comedy. I love that it is hilarious yet he doesn't say a word!!! This is the full 9 min episode, so feel free to watch and laugh along :)


This one gets me EVERY TIME!!! I love, love, love the slugs from Flushed Away. The "eeekkk" is what always makes me laugh, but I also love when the slugs sing, too!


And then there is the "lion face". For those of you who are not yoga connoisseurs, this is indeed an actual yoga position. Try making the face....if it doesn't make you laugh, it will make someone else laugh! I guarantee it!!










These guys ALWAYS make me smile, laugh, fill me with good cheer :) Ah, Joey and Chandler and whimsical Phoebe. The love hate relationship between Ross and Rachel and nuerotic Monica....what more could you ask for?!







And then there is the Fox Family. When I'm having a bad day, a down day - when I can't think straight and I don't want to study anymore, I hide away in a comfortable spot and delve into the life of this funny family. They own a peice of my heart and bring me joy and laughter when I don't want to think about anything serious. If you would like to see more of Bill Amend's Foxtrot comics, go here





More to come later...

More doodles and colors :)

3-5-2011

Don't know what I think of this one. Would love your thoughts on it.






3-6-2011

This one reminds me of a drawing by Lisa Frank. :) She used to be my favorite "artist" as a kid! Had all her stuff on folders and pencil boxes!!










This one is my favorite of all my doodles so far. I finished this one a couple of weeks back...end of February. Worked on it pretty much all of Feb. :) Hope you enjoy!!!

Moving forward from my daily struggle

I was really "moved" by the sermon I heard in church yesterday. It just seems like all the puzzle pieces fell into the right place at the right time. Here I have been desperately trying to hold onto my past - onto a better time and place - for the past six years....since I was diagnosed with PMDD and went through a really difficult time and lost everyone that I held near and dear.

But I soon realized that focusing on the past is no help at all, but its hard to see that when you're in the middle of the storm. I have heard so many times not to focus on the past and have heard so many different analogies like the one my husband told me that goes like this:

The past is like a rear view mirror. The present is like a windshield. There are some times and some things that we need to look back on, but we should never get so caught up on looking back that we forget where we are driving, otherwise we might crash. That's why that mirror is much smaller than the windshield.

So, I hear all these good analogies and stories about why not to focus on the past...but why am I stuck here six years later dealing with the same issue? Why do I long for the times that I was happiest? Because I lost something...I lost a lot of somethings and I haven't allowed myself to grieve over those losses. I lost myself. I haven't allowed myself to feel down and genuinely get it out of my system because I fear people will abandon me all over again if I were to act like that. I fear that people will say I don't have enough faith in God like they did before. Therefore its been building up inside of me, but seeping out my every pore. My fear of people leaving hasn't been warded off because this icky stuff is still spilling out onto people even though I'm trying to contain it inside.

It's OK to grieve your losses. This concept is super foreign to me and I can see it manifested by the way I react to the death of loved ones. When my grandpa died two years ago, I hardly shed a tear...not because I wasn't sad. I was immensly sad for my loss and the loss to our family, but I didn't know how to handle loss. Same thing happened when my Uncle passed away and then last year when one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly from Lupis. I miss her more than anything - and I think its because she was so young and her life just starting. But I didn't allow myself to cry. I wanted to several times...but I didn't. It's odd being such an emotional person, yet I won't allow myself to convey emotions in natural settings. So, the emotions sit and build and explode during my PMDD episodes. No wonder they're so extreme and intense. I haven't emptied my cup full of hurt and loss. That hurt and loss is constantly on the brink and nothing good - no life, no love can get inside. So, no matter how much people may try to help or pour into me, it just spills out since my cup is full of everything else.

I told Steve the other day that I don't think I'm a good friend sometimes because I feel that people are just going to leave anyway...so why even try? I wasn't always like this. In fact, growing up the way that I have with people coming in and out of my life every year to two years enabled me to be very open and accepting of new people. However, my experience at college after being diagnosed with a mood disorder and the crazy things that happened while I was on medication probably made people feel very weird around me. I don't blame them, but it still hurts that I don't have that solid connection with friends from that time of my life. Almost five years spent building relationships with people after having to leave my home and moving into being an adult and I am only good friends with one of the many hundreds of people I had developed a relationship with. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish as to want more than that. I don't always mean to be insecure about relationships. I don't always mean to not answer calls. I don't always mean to cancel previous plans. I just haven't emptied my cup...

I have to empty my cup. I have to grieve my losses. I have to learn to cry when I'm not hormonal. I have to learn healthy emotions and that it is OK to feel like this when I'm not going through my monthly storm. I guess since I go through the storm on a regular basis, I don't want to deal with anything else any other time. But I have to go through this process otherwise I will continue down a very long, dark road....and I will go around and around in circles instead of moving straight ahead. I have to learn to take my hand out of the past and only bring with me the memories that are good and valuable to my well-being. I have to turn towards the future now and enjoy the present. I must learn to bloom where I have been planted and realize that even if I'm uprooted again, once I'm re-planted I can learn to connect with others and build strong roots again and again.

What is Happiness made of?

I was talking to Steve last night on our date night and I told him I wanted to make a list of things that make me laugh - things that make me happy. I asked him what are some things that make him laugh. His response was: old people. And not just any type of old people, but those old people that are mumbling curse words under their breath and are just plain crotchety and rough around the edges. Steve loves it! To each his own....I don't know how to handle people like that. In fact, those types of people scare me! Well, not all because my grandpa was a classic version of what makes Steve laugh and I have to admit, Grandpa was hilarious!

He was laughing just telling me about it, which in turn made me laugh. The thing is. I was having a hard time thinking up items that made me laugh. Now, don't get me wrong - laughter is not the only element that comprises happiness, but its a big one in my book.

So, here I am trying to think of happy things and I'm getting upset because I can't really think of anything. I then realized this is an area I want to focus on. I truly want to learn what makes me happy...not what makes other people happy, but what is it deep down inside that satisfies me and makes me laugh out loud.

The turmoils of my PMDD and the swift changes of my moods have made depression, sadness, angst, anger, irritability and all the other things that come with this disorder, the norms in my life. I don't want these things to be the norms. I don't want the painful memories of my past to bog me down. I don't want to be frightened each month that I might go off the deep end and never return. This has been my life and my focus for way too long. I am beginning to understand the intricacies of my disorder and I'm beginning to understand what I need to do to take control of my life. Everyone has to learn what works for them and what does not. This whole depression suit has not worked for me, but it's there. If I can't necessarily take elements away - I can certainly introduce new ones and that's where this list of happiness comes into play.

Happiness is made of what we put into it. It is different for each individual. For me happiness is comprised of laughter and inspiration - of creativity and newness - of light and colors - of beautiful things and beautiful people. And all of these things are simply everywhere if you look for them through the right lenses. Right now, what is making me happy is being able to create and express myself through artistic means.

I've been drawing a lot and I have to make sure my inner monologue is quieted quickly otherwise it will start spouting off "oh that looks like a little kid drew it" or "you know you're not an artist, why are you even attempting to do this?!" I have to tell myself to SHUT UP!!! and then I get lost in drawing. I can go for hours at a time simply consumed with the movement and the colors. It's refreshing and I bet you I'm smiling while doing it. If you go here, you'll see one of my newest drawings. :)

The other thing that I'm having a blast with is Zumba. It's a form of dancing exercise. I love the beat of the music and how I can make my body flow with the rhythm...all while "exercising". I get tingles of happiness whilst I'm doing it! It's fantastic.

I also love to sit down at my piano and just play. I play whatever I feel. I feel whatever I play. I'll close my eyes and let my finger do the bidding; I let my fingers form the music. Does it always come out right or do the chord structures always sound good...heck no...but just having a means to get all of what is inside to come out is probably the best feeling ever.

All of those items are inner, still, quiet elements that make me happy...but still not things that make me laugh. No worries. I'll be putting a list together here in the near future as I seek out the funny in my everyday life. Laugh a little today :)