Unraveling Knots

"And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies' plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger" ~ The Last Battle C.S. Lewis

Far too long I've been believing my life doesn't matter.  Far too long I've forgotten that I'm not in this game of life alone.  I'm still incredibly gun shy, but I believe there is a reason for everything I've endured just as I believe there is a reason we all go through hardships.

A verse that comes to mind over and over again from the time that I was a young Christian is:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~ Galatians 1:10

Man, I'm a bad people pleaser.  Not as bad as I use to be, but it still seems to be an innate trait that won't go away.  I want to be liked and I want others to know that I like them.  I use to try so hard to find SOMETHING good about others even if they annoyed the crap out of me because I desperately didn't want to be rejected.  My altruistic service to others was coated in a fine sense of selfishness.

For whatever reason, every trial in my life has left me alone.  It has left me with little to no support.  It has left me with the sense of rejection and the thought that I have to deal with life all on on my own.

I get so wrapped up in my situation, that I forget the truth...the truth that we're never truly alone.  Even when people hurt you (which inevitably will happen - we're all human and we all make mistakes), God never forsakes us.

Why have I forgotten this truth?  Why have I failed to realize that I'm not alone?

Because the enemy is so crafty.  The enemy has a way of taking bits of truth and twisting them to where the lie seems to be nothing but reality and nothing but absolute truth.  It's like a string that becomes so twisted and manipulated that it's hard to find where the truth begins and where the lie ends.  It becomes a big ol' tangled mess.

My life has felt like a big ol' tangled mess for a really long time.  I've been so focused on this knotted up string of lies in my mind and moods that I forget that God has every capability and want to unravel what my feeble self cannot manage.

I want to learn things fast and want to do them now.  However, unraveling knots takes both time and patience.

Living vs Existing

Gah!  I have so many things I'm trying to decide what to do.  I've FINALLY figured out that I want to go into international education in higher education.  I'm looking to transfer to YSU and hoping if I get accepted that I'll be able to volunteer in the international department or at least get involved with the community somehow.

That's another thing I've been looking into.  I need to get involved in something.  I was volunteering for Reading for the Blind for a while.  I'm not really sure why I stopped.  I started to look on the Valley's website for more volunteer opportunities.  I know a big part of my problems stem from not feeling or being connected. 

Thinking back, I felt it was wise for us to move up to Ohio.  But by leaving and going to a new place, we had to get acclimated all over again.  Maybe my husband didn't because he grew up here, but I think he still had some adjustment issues.  We all do when we leave a place we call home and then try to come back to it.  It never really is the same.  We don't notice when we stay because we mold and change with the place.  It's only noticable when you leave.

Living up here for four years, we've been going to school and working.  And that's about it.  I'm so ready to do something new with my life....something different.  Obviously, having a job is a means of necessity.  Can't change that.  I have obligations now.  I have a family and a house.  We don't have children YET, but they'll eventually come along too. 

I need to find a way to appreciate and thrive in my life now instead of wishing it could be different.  The realizations I've come to about being a TCK have been refreshing and enlightening.  It's taken me a long time.  The realizations I'm coming to about PMDD are still coming into focus, and that's OK because it's a balancing act.  Now, it's time to take all of this information, accept it for what it is, and live my life.  I've been existing for so long.  Existing and living are two very different things.

It's all a matter of perspective and while my perspective is positive, I want to take full advantage of that!

Drowning

I feel like nobody cares.  Like I’m being swept away by nothingness and an abundance of emotions all at the same time.

I always find myself back in this spot.  Caring when others tell me not to.  Caring and expecting when I know nothing is going to change.  So it makes me want to scream and it makes me want to shake people….but I know it won’t make them give a damn about me or my problems.

All I want…all anyone really wants is to be loved.

All I want is to be acknowledged.

All I want is to know that I’m not alone in this world.

All I want is to know that someone cares about me – that someone misses me.

But all I’m left to face is emptiness.  All I’m left to face is people who already have their own lives and not enough space to welcome in another soul.  And I’m left with questions.

I question my worth.

I question my existence.

Am I worth loving?  Am I worth caring about?  Am I worth the breath that I breathe?

If I am, then why doesn’t anyone care and why must I continually walk this path alone?

If I am, then why when I’m hurting and need a kind word – all I get is silence. 

A person can only take loneliness for so long before it consumes them and ruins anything worthwhile. 

It seeps deep into their soul and turns all light black.  It seeps in and suffocates the life that use to be there.  It feels like I’m drowning and trying to desperately gasp for air…the air that will fill my lungs with life once again.

I hate feeling like I’m drowning Every. Single. Month.

I hate feeling like I have to survive Every. Single. Month.

I get tired of trying.