January 19, 2011

Blah - zay- Blah

Posted by Megzy at 1/19/2011 0 comments
Mood: Down and out

So, it's hit me. That one day out of the month where I feel no control over my mood and it seems to consume me. The littlest and strangest things can make me feel stupid or insignificant. For example...

My dreams are starting to become boring. I use to dream about fantastical things. I use to dream about searching for something - always searching for something! Well, I dreamed about freaking deodorant last night. Yes, you read correct...deodorant. The dream went like this:

I really wanted a particular kind of deodorant. It had a shimmering, sparkly yellow top. Not that there was anything "magical" about this deodorant, no I wanted it because I like the smell. I get home to discover there is no room in my vanity for this deodorant because there is already two other ones in the vanity occupying any free room.

And that was it folks. How boring. How completely dull. I woke up and asked myself, is this what my life has come to? I dream about what deodorant I want and get upset because I have no room in my freaking vanity? Good Lord! So, it's really upset me. Why, you ask? Because I feel like I have nothing creative to give. I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone that they could not get anywhere else. It makes my life feel meaningless and insignificant. I sit at work all day, earning a paycheck to pay my bills to go through life...but for what? Is there more than this? Is there more than having to constantly fight to stay positive and believe in one's self?

It hurts so much when I feel noone cares. I know I sound like a broken record, but that is what is truly ailing me. I don't have a close connection with anyone, but yet I give of myself until I can't give anymore...but I'm tired of giving. I'm tired of not being restored. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of dealing with this constantly. I'm tired of noone listening. I'm incredibly tired today.

January 12, 2011

Alice's Advice

Posted by Megzy at 1/12/2011 0 comments
Don't know what my mood is today, but maybe you can figure it out :)

So, I came to realize I was trying to shut out many parts of my life. I have been hurt time and time again, so an easy solution was to try and make it dissapper. The only problem with that was, I was also shutting out the good parts/memories as well. I had some little small puff of an epiphany today and I realized I'm only hurting myself by shutting certain times, people, and things out. I may not be close with certain people, but that doesn't mean I have to erase them altogether. There may be others who don't want to hear about my awesome stories and adventures of growing up, but that doesn't mean other people might not want to hear!

I am one of those people that it takes a couple of times to get things into my head. It's like...this stuff should make common sense...I've probably even given advice about this to a good friend! But I'm like Alice in Wonderland - I very seldom take my own advice.

I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
That explains the trouble that I'm always in,
Be patient, is very good advice,
But the waiting makes me curious,
And I'd love the change,
Should something strange begin,
Well I went along my merry way,
And I never stopped to reason,
I should have know there'd be a price to pay,
Someday...someday,
I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?


Yes, indeedy-do, that is me to a "T"! Anywho, it may seem like I delete and add people on facebook as often as I change my underpants, but it's only because I'm trying to figure things out. I'm trying to figure out where I belong. I'm trying to figure out whom to call friend. I'm trying to figure out why my moods change like the colors of the rainbow :) So, please don't be upset with me if you're one of the people I add and delete. Obviously, I still want you in my life...just be patient with me and I'll come around sooner or later!

January 9, 2011

Posted by Megzy at 1/09/2011 0 comments
Mood: reflective

I went to church today for the first time in close to a year...yeah it's been that long. I know I'm supposed to be there and be getting involved but I have been hurt more times than I can count and this was an area i truly struggled with. I don't understand what happened to me starting almost six years ago now, but whatever it was I don't wish the pain, rejection, heart ache, depression, and sheer loneliness upon anyone...not even my worst enemy.
I went through such a long season of complete solitude and isolation. I lost so many loved ones and friends because they couldn't understand where I had "gone" to. It almost destroyed my marriage on numerous occasions and all I wanted and needed was for people to care and want to help and what did i get? I got rejection. I got misunderstanding. I got absolute nothingness most times. When you are going through something others don't understand, often times it's easier not to get involved at all.
When I was in the midst of my storm at Lee, I was called a faker and a liar. I was told I was acting out for attention. Obviously those comments hurt me more than most because they are the ones that stick out in my mind here six years later. I know I need to forgive and move on, but there is still pain. The sting of rejection still resides. So I'm scared that all church people will treat me like that.
I'm a very out-going person by nature but the pain and immense depression I experienced caused me to be weary. I'm skeptical of most people and feel like I will go through most of my life with people not giving a crap about me or my life. It's so hard to keep a smile on my face at times because all I want is to show others love and that they have a purpose...but I feel like I don't get that in my own life and it's hard to be the strong one all the time.
I guess the one hidden blessing in all of the unexplainable pain - the screaming and crying - the hurt and loneliness - is that I realized nobody will ever be able to give me what I need. Only God will be able to fill that void. I've also learned to try my hardest not to treat others the way i was tossed to the side like a bag of garbage. There were so many times I felt like I couldn't go on. There were so many times I hurt myself in addition to the hurt and pain I was already experiencing...i didn't know how long I could stand it or if it would even matter if I was gone.
Then I realized. It matters to God. I matter to God. Maybe to noone else but He is enough. He is all I need. So now when the monthly pains of my PMDD come upon me and I feel out of control and like I'm worthless and like nobody cares, I know my savior cares. And now I can care at an even deeper level for others.
I do have enough faith for God to heal despite what people at Lee said. I just now have a deeper empathetic stream running through my veins. I desperately want to help others and let them know they are not alone. If I can help others not go through or feel the way I did, I will have succeeded in this life. Our God is gracious and merciful. He never gives us more than we can handle and He gives us what we need in His timing.
Be encouraged and know you are never alone and that you are deeply and wonderfully loved!

January 6, 2011

Blemish

Posted by Megzy at 1/06/2011 0 comments
I was opening a cabinet at work today and I had my pen in hand and accidentally marked on the cabinet. I tried to rub it out, but it just smeared and wouldn't come off. That little mark started driving me crazy each time I looked at the cabinet regardless of the fact that it was so small. It then dawned on me, that is often times how we feel about ourselves. We can have many good and decent qualities and call ourselves upstanding citizens, but if we have a "mark" or blemish we hone in on it and start to obsess over it. At least I do this with myself. I forget to see the good sometimes and focus solely on my problem areas. Those areas that may seem small and insignificant to others become huge ordeals. I focus on them and talk about them until it becomes a nusiance.

One of my friends said just yesterday, we all make mistakes but those mistakes don't make us the people that we are.

I'm sad today. I'm sad because it hurts to see people going through painful relationships. I'm sad because I feel like I can't do anything to help except sit and listen. I try to give good advice, but I don't feel like I have enough life experience nor the wisdom to be passing out advice. It makes me feel defeated. I'm sad to see people treating the one's they are supposed to love with such cruelty and immaturity.

I wish we all could look past the little blemishes and see the bigger picture. It would be so much easier that way.
 

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