I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to say. When ideas come to me, they come as the whole (yet blurry) picture. I have to then take time to try and dissect the whole down into detailed pieces. So, if it seems like I’m rambling – bear with me as I try and talk out my thoughts and feelings.
Just this past week, I had a very bad meltdown (which I know now was due to PMDD) and it got exacerbated by what I think was a paradoxical effect of a medication I took. I won’t go into much detail about that because that is not what this idea is about.
For too long I’ve beat myself up for the meltdowns, for acting irrationally even though I try so hard not to. I think “I must not be trying hard enough” or “I must be trying to sabotage myself and everyone around me by acting this way”. Every time PMDD comes around, it feels like Ground Hog’s Day all over again; it feels like I’ve not gotten anywhere – I’m back where I was when all this horrible mess started.
But that’s just not true. Even with this disorder and any other disorder a person deals with, people grow and change. I know that, but my head keeps telling me “yeah, but what about that old saying you are what you repeatedly do”? And then I’ll be back down in the dumps feeding my depression when I am supposed to be on my good days.
Dealing with PMDD is such a conundrum because part of you wants to fight and beat it. And the other part wants to give up. There have been times that I completely deny I even deal with this disorder. This is especially true on the good days because if I were to admit it, that would mean I’m weak. It would mean that I’m fallible. It would mean I’m not perfect.
But none of us are perfect. Honestly, if you went through the DSM you could probably diagnose everyone with SOMETHING! Everyone has traits of some sort of disorder. No one person is without problems and/or issues.
Then it hit me. I’ve not accepted PMDD. I’ve not accepted that I live and deal with PMDD. Every month comes and I’m caught off guard like a deer in the headlights. And for what? To save face? Pride? Self-preservation…thinking I’m helping myself from getting hurt? By not accepting this, I’m hurting myself more.
So, if I accept PMDD… will that make me worse off?
Will it mean I’ve been labeled “broken,” “ruined,” “fragile,” “damaged,” or any other label your mind can conjure up?
Will it mean I’ve given up fighting?
What does acceptance actually mean?
I would love to give you a simple break down of A, B, C or 1, 2 3 in acceptance and how to achieve it, but in all honesty, I’m going through this process right now. I just recognized a couple of weeks ago that I had not accepted PMDD…truly accepted it. There is a difference between knowing it’s going on, hoping it will disappear and understanding the disorder as well as yourself.
As I continue down this journey, I will share more. There is something to be said about learning who you are. If you accept PMDD, you will begin to discover who you are…who you really are deep down inside.
That is my next step in the acceptance process.