Work in Progress

I'm on a journey, just like we all are. I'm trying to find out my purpose. I'm trying to figure out who the "real" me is buried deep inside. Past all the disappointments, the failures, the ups and the downs. I'm trying to believe a little bit more in myself instead of being swayed by each emotion that comes along.

I'm not perfect. You may say, well duh! None of us are. So, why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we think when something goes wrong it's because we didn't do it the right way or the perfect way.

If I don't beat myself up about not doing something the right way, I swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and become apathetic. I don't care what anyone thinks or feels (this is a very rare occurrence and if it does happen...it lasts for a couple of moments).

Sometimes I get so mad at people when the hurt me. I want to scream at them and try to make them understand all I go through. But then I realize there may have been times I have hurt someone else. I realize that I may have misunderstood someone based on my own experiences or lack there of.

This blog has a two-fold message. If you feel misunderstood and the lack of love, realize and accept that you are still a work in progress. If others have hurt you and you're angry at them, realize they are still a work in progress. We're all on this journey together, but none of us have arrived. We are constantly being molded and when it seems hopeless or that someone is a hopeless cause....

Just remember, you/they are a work in progress and there is always room for improvement!

Dancing in the Rain

I don't want to add more sadness to the world. I don't want to add more troubles than there already are. I don't want to be a bother or a nuisance. I want to help. I want to heal. But the pain will not subside. Am I lonely because I withdraw or because people genuinely don't want to be around me? This is more than my PMDD. But it started with my PMDD.

It started because I was put on wrong medication. I was misdiagnosed. I went through nasty side-effects. I moved away to regain my strength and my life. But I needed to heal from another wound created on top of dealing with the disorder of PMDD.

I had a "relapse"...that's what I'll call it, however I've never felt suicidal not being on medication...and being in the hospital made me feel like I was starting back at square one. I was re-living all the previous pain, all the previous humiliation, all the previous misunderstanding. The only thing that changed was my level of fear. I wasn't scared. I chose to seek help even though I don't feel I received help. I chose to go to the hospital. I chose to find a doctor. I'm choosing whether or not I want to be on medication. Before I didn't feel I had a choice. I left everything in the hands of strangers. We have a choice. We have the choice to educate ourselves about what is going on. We have a choice to find another doctor if we don't feel they are the right one. We have a choice to live this life to the fullest.

I am miserable right now. I feel continually lost and alone. I know I'm not alone in my journey, but my faith waivers when I've been surrounded by emptiness for years upon years. The edges become blurry and I don't know if my actions are creating reactions or if this is reality. I feel boxed in and suffocated. I want to break free.

Four corners
More corners
Boxed in
Caged

Locked up
Suffocating
Closed in
Ashamed

Looking out
watching reality pass by
The beauty out there
The misery in here
Longing to die

The rain begins to fall
Cool and serene
Look! She's dancing, she's dancing
It's washing her clean

She's living, she's healing
It's so captivating
She's moving, she's thriving
It's so motivating

She stomps
She pounds
She jumps
She spins round and round

How did she get there
Why am I still in here
I want to be

Breaking free
Carelessly
Dancing in the rain

There are always doors
That you may never have seen
Because you were busy looking out the window
Longing for things that could have been

You too can dance in the rain
Dance despite the shame or the pain
Now is your chance to break the chain
Open your door and watch what you'll gain

Your life, your happiness
Your sanity
Your smile, your joy
At last you are free

The answers lie within us. We just have to believe enough in ourselves to realize that the door to unlocking our happiness has been there all along. It is different for each person. Believe. Break the chain. Break the stigma. Know that you are free. You nor I are bound by an illness, or a label, or a circumstance, or a situation. We are so much more. We can dance despite the rain. We can dance in the rain.

Our Lives are Like...Angry Birds

Have you ever realized how much our lives are like angry birds?! It's amazing the similarities. Angry birds is a game...our lives are somewhat like a game....maybe - depends on how you look at it. The piggies stole what belonged to the birds (that's why they're so angry!) - I know there are things and situations in my life, the obstacles I call my "piggies", that have tried to steal my happiness and bits and pieces of my life over and over again!

"The thief does not come except to steal, and kill, and to destroy..." ~John 10:10

The game allows you to progress to different levels! It's awesome. That's how we are in life. We complete one "level" and get to move on to the next. Childhood. Teenagedom. The part of life where you're still growing your adult brain (18-25 years). Adulthood. Middleagedom. Gray-hairdom.

I'm just now passing from level 3 to level 4 (I finally grew in my adult brain!) However, this level is one of the hardest levels to pass! I thought Teenagedom was difficult! Eesh! There are more obstacles than ever before to hurdle over and more little "piggies" trying to steal what's not theirs! Or so it seems. Have you ever noticed that whatever "level" you're on in the moment seems like the absolute hardest thing to get through?

The neat thing about Angry Birds is that as the levels progress, become more difficult, and those piggies get a little more obnoxious, there are several birds you encounter along the way with different strengths. Some can split into three and break ice. Some can fly real fast and bust through wood. Some can poop out eggs. Some can turn into bombs and blast out whatever is in their way! It's so cool. But each bird is unique and with certain levels, only having one type of bird to combat the piggies would not suffice. They need each other!!!! Just like when we encounter different types of people in our own lives with different strengths. We can play this game of life much better together :)

Then there is the mighty eagle! This is my favorite part! Have you ever gotten stuck on a "level" before? Where no matter how hard you try and how many different angles you come at the obstacle/problem...you just can't seem to win? And those stupid little piggies laugh at you. Seriously. To top off your failure, they laugh in the most obnoxious snorting manner. How many times have we failed and feel like people are laughing at us? That's when the mighty eagle comes into play. When you've done everything you know how to do...the mighty eagle will swoop in and knock out EVERYTHING!!!! It's fantastic!!! This is God in my life. It doesn't mean we aren't supposed to do our part first. With angry birds you have to try everything you can first...and try multiple times! At least I do. Finally, I call in the mighty eagle to help out! And BAM!!! All those stubborn piggies are knocked out :)

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings." ~ Psalm 36:7

This is where Angry Birds and our lives may differ a bit. Some people might view utilizing the mighty eagle as "cheating". However, it is never considered cheating or a sign of weakness to call upon God when we need Him. In fact, he encourages us to call out to Him.

"Call to me, and I will answer you. I will tell you great and mysterious things you do not know." ~Jeremiah 33:3

Remember, you have the true Mighty Eagle by your side at any moment, at any time. All you need to do is confess your sins to the Lord and profess faith in Jesus Christ as your Savior. With Jesus on our team, we will always win!

"My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you I, whom you have redeemed. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.” ~Psalm 71:23-24

To finish the verse listed above, John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Now, what a fun game of life this will be to play! Don't you want to join me??

In the Darkness

I don't know how much longer I can hang on - to keep doing and being the same. Consistency is necessary for most, but when the constant equals a state of hell...I don't want it to be a part of my life.

I'm tired. It sounds like the boy who cried wolf. I'm always back in this place, engulfed by the darkness. But as it comes in its consistent way every single month without prevail, it is chipping away at my hope and I'm growing so weary.

I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of caring. I'm out of shape to run this race of life and I want to sit out. I want to be done. I don't see the point of doing the same things over and over. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

I know there are people out there that have it worse off than me and I always feel horrible if I voice my complaint. But I keep it bottled up and then it explodes. Every time it...I...explode, I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and trying to start again. Why start again if it's just going to happen over and over?

Life will go on. People will move on. How do they know...how do I know what a true cry for help is? I don't know if I'm going to choose life or choose to give up. I've fought for so long. I've fought for so long on my own and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying.

I've been looking and searching for some sort of meaning, but I haven't found it. Everything seems so superficial or what society deems acceptable. I don't want to play the universe's game any longer.

Anything that we don't deal with or believe ourselves is usually seen as "weird" or "wrong" or "dangerous". Look how we use to treat left-handed people. Look how we treated any person with a color other than white. Why does everybody have to do it our way? Why can't we accept people for the diversity they bring to the table? Do you realize if we were all the same what a boring world this would be? I refuse to be another consumerist barbie doll. But because I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm left groping for some sense of belonging. I'm left grasping at empty air all because I won't conform. But I can't because I don't belong anywhere. I'm not fully American and I'm not fully the other countries I lived in. Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? I've searched for some sort of identity, but I come up empty-handed every time.

If a choice is made, what amount of medication is going to truly change that? All it will do is make the person a vegetable; an empty shell moving through the motions dictated by the medical professionals of it's culture. That's not a way to live. I've been there and done that. Counselors have manipulated my memories and treated me like a machine instead of a living, breathing, emotive human being. Medication has made me into a monster, taken away my sanity, erased my memories. Why would I look to that again for help?

God...I don't know where He is. We, as Christians, are supposed to be His example on Earth. However, I've been ripped apart by fellow Christians. I've been scolded, chastised, reprimanded, accused of being demon-possessed. Is it inhuman to question God? Is it inhuman to want to know where He is, what He's doing? I don't go to church anymore because I feel it is a clique. It is another minority culture within the bigger American culture and if you don't do and say things just the way they think you should, you are ostracized.


Maybe my moods will shift tomorrow and it will all be better, but it hasn't yet. I've steadily been feeling like this now for almost 3 weeks and due to PMDD time - I'm sinking deeper into the darkness. When is it too far? When is it too late? But that's not really your concern, is it? Life will go on with or without me. Life will go on and maybe one day I'll find the light and be at peace, but right now I'm wandering aimlessly through the darkness.

My Wishy-Washy Ways

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks. I could probably blame the majority of it on being utterly exhausted, but I'm feeling a lot of uneasiness in the sense of belonging. I recognize my emotional state becomes very sensitive when faced with stress, not enough sleep, and eating the wrong kinds of foods (ie too much sugar and/or caffeine). Most people can handle being out of their routine for a little while before it affecting them, but I'm affected in a major way.

I haven't felt this down and out in quite some time. In fact, I haven't had such a jolt in my mood that wasn't premenstrual since being on medication. It's disturbing enough to question your worth and existence for a day or two and tell yourself it'll be over with and you'll be back to "normal" in a couple of days. That's a monthly occurrence. But to feel estranged, sad, indifferent, and hopeless for almost two weeks straight is disheartening.

I wonder where the line is drawn. Is it because I've been out of my routine? Is it hormone related? Is it TCK syndrome rearing it's head making me feel I'll never be accepted in my current culture? Or is it a combination?

I've always been wishy washy and I've always questioned things. Lately, I've been questioning a lot more. Why do I believe in what I do? Where is God? Why do we follow tradition? Because it's what society tells us to do? What if we get out of sync with society...will we ever be accepted and able to function on our own without peer approval? Or is it so engrained within us to have the acceptance of others? To belong to something. To have an identity somewhere. What if you don't fit in anywhere? You've been completely alienated. Do you quit questioning, conform, and just exist to get by? Or do you make a new path?

I feel like I don't belong. This isn't new. It's become a lot more prevalent and in my face than I would like to endure, but it's a truth. So I can continue to be upset or I can accept the facts and learn from it. I can accept what God has given me and make something out of it. I can accept that I will struggle on a monthly basis because of PMDD and learn to help others. I can accept that not everyone I meet will like me or accept me, but I can still be kind to them and shower them with love and acceptance. I can learn to make a new path.

Despite my wishy-washiness, I just have to believe there is a reason for all of this. I just have to believe that good will come from all of this. I have to keep fighting. I have to keep enduring. I don't know why, but this isn't over yet.

No more holding back

I've been very silent about my struggles with PMDD over the past 6 years. And now all I can do is ask myself why? I see other people advocating for things they deal with...whatever it is. I've watched my mother excel at her goals with weight loss. Has it been easy? No way! Has she been embarrased along the way, I'm sure she has. But I know other people have benefited from her successes.

I've revamped my blog and its a new beginning; a fresh start to say I am not afraid to share my story anymore. Whether its uncomfortable or not. Whether people leave my life or not. This is something I deal with and will probably always have to deal with (until menopause) and I want my voice, my story, to be heard! It's time to stop holding back out of fear.

I hope you'll join me along my journey.

Developing Self-Esteem

I had the chance to take a self esteem in leadership class this past semester and I wanted to compile some thoughts of my own along with other sources to create a helpful list for developing one's self-esteem.

Being a person that deals with PMDD and the depression, anxiety, etc that comes with it, I know first hand what low self-esteem looks and feels like. I've "worn" low self-esteem for a very long time and its detrimental. Just like depression, PMDD causes a cyclic feeling of lows. However, it comes much more often than actual depression. With that, its hard to continue to stand on your own two feet and get through the days after being down in the dumps. I know for me, I've asked "why" for so many years and have felt stuck more times than not. I've been hurt many times in my past and a lot of times, low self-esteem is developed from past hurts. We have a tendency to hold onto horrible things and lies that were fed to us at a young age (or perhaps even more recent). Being a woman, we want to be loved, adored, cherished, and feel like we're safe. When those things have been compromised, low self-esteem seems to develop.

Perhaps you were told you were no good or that you would never amount to anything when you were a child. Perhaps you were, at one time or another, in a toxic relationship where you were taken advantage of or just treated like crap. Or perhaps you have an illness/disorder, like I do with PMDD, that causes you to question your worth. Perhaps its a combination of all the above or perhaps your situation is completely different. Whatever your situation is and whatever has caused the low self-esteem, the first step to developing a healthy sense of self is wanting to be in a better state.

I am in no way a doctor or licensed to give advice, but I do have experience living and dealing with a chemical imbalance and have lived through the detriments that it causes. I am trying to live out a positive lifestyle for myself and I hope to pass along the good that comes from it.

The list you will find below has been complied from various places. Some items come from this book, Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem, that was used in the class I took, some come from this website, but a majority come from my own opinions, ideas, and things that I've tried for myself.

• PUT YOU FIRST: This can seem so hard. Often times we put others wants and needs ahead of our own and forget about yours truly. I use to get myself into toxic relationships where I constantly put others before myself all of the time. It became very unbalanced. I was hurting more times than helping them or myself. So my advice, put you first. Nobody knows you like you do. Treat yourself the way you would your best friend or child if they were going through a hard time (or whatever you're feeling/needing at that specific moment in time). Perhaps a little twist in the old golden rule: Do unto yourself as you would do unto others....During my bad week(s), I have to take time out for me. I'm honest with myself and with those around me. Others may not like it or understand it at first, but they will learn if they truly care about you. Try not to let it make you feel guilty. If people around you still make you feel guilty, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Which brings me to my next point...






• GED RID OF THE NEGATIVE IN YOUR LIFE: Whether its a negative relationship, negative friends, negative work environment, negative food/drink, negative talk. Now I'm not saying if its bad just to throw it out. There may be some things that are salvageable, but if its toxic...if its affecting you every day in every way, that's not good and it needs to get out of your life.


A big part of this is negative self-talk. We have this little (or maybe its a big) critic in our head ready to pounce anytime we screw up. Ready to tell you all your failures. Ready to lie to you over and over again. Negative self-talk typically shows itself as a permanent statement. I am so stupid. I am the worst person in the world. Not only is it permanent, it is a generalization. Not just a bad person, but the worst person in the whole world. These are just examples. So how to start to change that...





• REPLACE WITH POSITIVE: The website listed above states that "You can't think two thoughts at the same time. When you are thinking a positive thought about yourself, you can't be thinking a negative one." Well that's reassuring!! So, try to introduce happy, positive words into your everyday language and watch how the start to wiggle their way into your thoughts.
  
  For negative self-talk, try to not use words that are permanent - that sign, seal, and stamp the deal. Try not to use never, can't, won't. Instead, replace with what you are. It may seem silly at first, but try it. For example, I am good. I am loved. I am safe. I am a hard worker. I am a dedicated wife/girlfriend/friend. I am good at telling jokes. Anything else that is positive. It may be small at first because the negative talk has taken such precedence in your life for so long. Be aware that as you try this, the negative self talk will try to overpower the positive...but keep at it because remember, no two thoughts can occupy your mind at the same time!

Another way to replace positive with negative is to think about something that you are so proud of. Maybe the birth of a child. Maybe a praise you got on the job. Maybe an awesome craft you made. Maybe the fact you graduated (that's mine!). Whatever it is, think about it. If possible, display it so you can not only think about it, but you can physically see it manifested. Let it fill you up. Feel the proud. Feel the accomplishment.

Surround yourself with people that like you and treat you well. If you don't have any right now, be patient. Find ways to make new friends if all of yours are toxic. I had to do just that. I lost almost all of my friends, but I realized the majority were toxic. It took some time to develop new ones, but the opportunity will arise...if it doesn't, go to where you can make an opportunity (like a gym).
Read quotes that are inspirational. Discover what makes you feel happy and apply it.

Children are attracted to color and lights; it brings an instant smile to their faces. Tap into your inner child. Find something colorful, sparkly, or that is full of light. Create colors if you want.






• MAKE AFFIRMATION LISTS: This one also comes straight from the website, but I really like the idea. I use to write affirmations on my mirror so that I had to read them when I got out of the shower or when I looked at myself in the mirror in the morning.
  
  Making lists, rereading them often, and rewriting them from time to time will help you to feel better about yourself. If you have a journal, you can write your lists there. If you don't, any piece of paper will do.
  
  Make a list of:
  At least five of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity
  
  At least five things you admire about yourself, for example the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with your brother, or your spirituality
  
  The five greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer
  
  At least 20 accomplishments - they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree
  
  10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, watching children playing on a playground, gazing at a baby's face or at a beautiful flower, or chatting with a friend
  
  10 things you can do to make yourself laugh
  
  10 things you could do to help someone else
  
  10 things that you do that make you feel good about yourself
  

This is just a start to help you develop your self-esteem. Let me know if you've tried any of these techniques or if you have any others to share. I wish you luck and lots of love on this journey.