I've got a double whammy dealing with PMDD and also the cultural differences that come from being a TCK. Both of these issues have made it difficult to thrive and exist happily in society.
PMDD causes a woman to feel she is going crazy every month. It makes her feel like nobody understands her - like she has no control over her thoughts and/or actions. Because I didn't often understand my own moods, how could I expect anyone else too. I became embarrassed and closed myself off from the rest of the world.
Being a TCK in my passport country has caused me a lot of heartache because I feel people are so segregated in the US. A good majority of people don't know how to welcome newcomers and/or transplants. Therefore, it's easy for a TCK to become isolated even if we have skills to jump into a new place. I never had as difficult a time moving to different countries (granted, I only moved twice abroad) because there were always others in a similar situation that I was. People were willing to open up their hearts to a newcomer and in turn, I did the same when I met newbies. Here in the US, in my passport country, it seems there are a new set of rules that I haven't been privy too and I feel vulnerable and caught off guard so much of the time. I feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be my home.
Because of these two issues, it has been easy for me to close myself off from the rest of the world. It has been easy to say, nobody gets me - who cares - what's the point. There is a point, though. And no matter how lonely it gets - no matter how hard it gets, you are not alone.
I was so hurt when I initially came back to the states, that I closed myself off from wanting to participate in everyday society. I did what I needed to do to survive. I got up every morning, went to my job, interacted if I had to, came home and stayed home. This sort of living was not the person I was when I lived overseas. I was very active in the community, always looking for something to get involved in.
I was a candy striper (volunteered at the hospital), I was in cross-country, I was in drama and plays, I was very active in music, I was our high school mascot, I was a bagger at the base commissary for three years (I would always sing to my customers at Christmas time to get better tips. I don't know if they were paying me because they liked it or to get me to stop...haha!), I tutored, I babysat, I was involved in FBLA, NHS, my high school committee. I took piano lessons from Gustaf and we often had recitals. I always had something going on. I felt apart of the community and that my life was a contribution rather than a nuisance or not worth anything.
Somewhere between dealing with the hardships of acclimating to the States and the onset of PMDD, I lost all grasp on the world that I knew. It has felt like I've been falling down a black hole for a very long time.
I'm tired of closing myself off, though. I'm tired of not believing in the person that I am because others don't understand me. I'm tired of becoming defensive and hurt. I'm tired being bored out of my mind because I've closed myself off to the possibilities of what could be.
Yes, I'm still incredibly sensitive to the fact that when I go to the gym, because I'm not there with other people from work or friends, the other people don't talk or interact with me. But I'm an extrovert for crying out loud. I'm going to weasel my way into people's lives because this other way that I've been living the past 9-10 years hasn't been working!
I would just encourage other women with PMDD and others that are TCKs, don't close yourselves off. I know there is a chance that you may get hurt and it's frustrating when you feel you're not understood or don't belong. Just don't stop trying. Stand up, brush yourself off, and try again.
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