In the Darkness

I don't know how much longer I can hang on - to keep doing and being the same. Consistency is necessary for most, but when the constant equals a state of hell...I don't want it to be a part of my life.

I'm tired. It sounds like the boy who cried wolf. I'm always back in this place, engulfed by the darkness. But as it comes in its consistent way every single month without prevail, it is chipping away at my hope and I'm growing so weary.

I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of caring. I'm out of shape to run this race of life and I want to sit out. I want to be done. I don't see the point of doing the same things over and over. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

I know there are people out there that have it worse off than me and I always feel horrible if I voice my complaint. But I keep it bottled up and then it explodes. Every time it...I...explode, I'm left trying to pick up the pieces and trying to start again. Why start again if it's just going to happen over and over?

Life will go on. People will move on. How do they know...how do I know what a true cry for help is? I don't know if I'm going to choose life or choose to give up. I've fought for so long. I've fought for so long on my own and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying.

I've been looking and searching for some sort of meaning, but I haven't found it. Everything seems so superficial or what society deems acceptable. I don't want to play the universe's game any longer.

Anything that we don't deal with or believe ourselves is usually seen as "weird" or "wrong" or "dangerous". Look how we use to treat left-handed people. Look how we treated any person with a color other than white. Why does everybody have to do it our way? Why can't we accept people for the diversity they bring to the table? Do you realize if we were all the same what a boring world this would be? I refuse to be another consumerist barbie doll. But because I don't want to be like everyone else, I'm left groping for some sense of belonging. I'm left grasping at empty air all because I won't conform. But I can't because I don't belong anywhere. I'm not fully American and I'm not fully the other countries I lived in. Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? I've searched for some sort of identity, but I come up empty-handed every time.

If a choice is made, what amount of medication is going to truly change that? All it will do is make the person a vegetable; an empty shell moving through the motions dictated by the medical professionals of it's culture. That's not a way to live. I've been there and done that. Counselors have manipulated my memories and treated me like a machine instead of a living, breathing, emotive human being. Medication has made me into a monster, taken away my sanity, erased my memories. Why would I look to that again for help?

God...I don't know where He is. We, as Christians, are supposed to be His example on Earth. However, I've been ripped apart by fellow Christians. I've been scolded, chastised, reprimanded, accused of being demon-possessed. Is it inhuman to question God? Is it inhuman to want to know where He is, what He's doing? I don't go to church anymore because I feel it is a clique. It is another minority culture within the bigger American culture and if you don't do and say things just the way they think you should, you are ostracized.


Maybe my moods will shift tomorrow and it will all be better, but it hasn't yet. I've steadily been feeling like this now for almost 3 weeks and due to PMDD time - I'm sinking deeper into the darkness. When is it too far? When is it too late? But that's not really your concern, is it? Life will go on with or without me. Life will go on and maybe one day I'll find the light and be at peace, but right now I'm wandering aimlessly through the darkness.