Here comes the "PMDD" again....
Here comes the "anger" again....
Here comes the "tears" again....
Here comes the "paranoia" again...
Don't talk to me....but if you don't I'll be sad
Don't hug me....but if you don't then I'll be mad
Just hate me like I know you do
Just give me a couple days until this is through
Yeah, that's how I feel yet again.
What really got me in a tizzy is my brain thinking too much. I seem to have a tendency to do that during this time of month. Either the hamster is working over time or he's taking a nap upstairs in his wheel. Today he seems to be reeling out all sorts of anxiety-like thoughts.
When I first went through my string of doctors, I was diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder. Every once in a while, I'll do research and look stuff up to see why I was diagnosed as such. From my findings, I understand why I have traits of BPD. I'm insecure, I fear abandonment, I get super anger and impulsive, and I've very confused about who I am a lot of times because of everything I've been through and/or being a TCK.
I just get to thinking - what the heck is wrong with me? Will I ever just be OK? Will I ever be able to live out a happy, healthy life without always feeling like I'm in the wrong one way or another? Will I ever feel like I'm enough? Will I ever feel like I have people who love me and care about me even though I'm told everyday? What is enough for me? What am I expecting? And most importantly...why am I like this?!
If I don't get some of this out - I will implode and I would much rather not go back to my old tactics of coping.
These are the times I wish I had a magic wand so I could bop myself on the head to either make the thoughts go away or just knock myself unconscious for a while so that I will wake up when this junk passes. Le sigh...
It must be so nice for "normal" people to live out their lives not questioning their everyday existence. I wonder what that's like. It must be so nice for women to go through this time of month with little to no repercussions. It must be so nice to not be a woman! It must be nice to have your family live right down the road. It must be nice to think you're an awesome person. It must be nice to not have your moods fluctuate on you every couple of weeks. It must be nice to know what strength and courage is. It must be nice to know how much you are loved and feel secure in it.
Don't ask me who that's directed towards, I just feel like spouting off. I'm feeling sorry for myself and just angry. It's what I do....
I guess instead of here comes the PMDD again, I should say here IS the PMDD again. Seesh.
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