I have a mood disorder. I am not afraid to tell people anymore. People need to be aware and they need to be educated. There is such a negative stigma attached to the term "mood disorder". Depression is viewed negatively in the church - it is viewed as laziness and an action that can easily be controlled. I am here to say, it is not that easy to switch gears when you have a chemical imbalance.
The term "bipolar" has come a long way in being accepted in our society. Is there still a long road for people that suffer with that disorder, absolutely! But there is much more awareness about the disorder.
I have PMDD - Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. I have a chemical imbalance. When my hormones shift, it causes a shift in my thoughts, my moods, my actions. There
is research about PMDD, but not a lot. Most of the medical profession still do not widely accept this term even though it is listed in the DSM IV. My own psychiatrist has diagnosed me with
Mood Disorder NOS which is is the most basic, generic diagnoses out there. I'm hoping to get him to change the diagnosis once he sees how well I've been doing.
I've been through the ringer with doctors. I've been misdiagnosed because the medication I was on caused adverse reactions. I took myself off everything completely and had been medication free the past three years. However, it didn't take the PMDD away.
Every month, like clock work, I would sink into the depression. The anger would well up inside of me. Every little thing would frustrate me and push me to my breaking point.
I couldn't handle stress. I couldn't handle being around people. I thought the world hated me. I would hide from everything and everyone.
I thought in generalities instead of rationally. I would wake up feeling like something bad was going to happen to me. I couldn't shake the feeling and I would go throughout the day just trying to simply live. I would try so hard not to cry where people could see me. I would try so hard to be strong and tell myself that
NOTHING was wrong! It was
ALL in my head!!
I'm NOT crazy!!!
Every month, two days before my cycle would start, I would have complete emotional outbursts....my PMDD meltdowns. It would be the simplest thing to set me off. I can't even recall what it was that set me off, but I can remember the devastating after effects. I would cry and scream and hyperventilate (sometimes scream so hard that it would make my nose bleed) - feeling the world crashing down upon me. Feeling the room closing in on me. Feeling that my life was going to end at the detriment of my own hands because I couldn't bear to go on one more day like this.
I would throw things, break things, scream, cuss, flail, cry....so much crying. I would put holes in the wall and hurt myself.
I could not control it. Like a little kid, scared and alone, lost in a sea of raging emotions.
I could not control it because that's what PMDD does. It makes you question everything and everyone. It makes you feel like you're a crazy loony. It makes you feel like everyone hates you and nobody will ever understand you. It makes you hate everything and everyone one minute and feel completely alone and ashamed the next. It's a vicious, un-ending cycle.
You get through the month, feeling beat up and bruised mentally and emotionally (sometimes physically, too!). You make it to your good days and then remember the hell you just went through. Then the questioning and shame fall upon you. If you're lucky enough to forgive yourself and move on...here it comes yet again!
I love the way Ericka Kroll describes PMDD in her blog,
PMDD - Hard to Endure Harder to Explain. She says "The crashes are devastating, the return to normalcy is suspicious and all-too-short. It’s like a roller coaster that doesn’t let you off."
There is still not a lot of information about
what causes PMDD. They think it's serotonin levels dropping dramatically when the hormones shift. New research believes that child abuse may have some ties to PMDD.
With that being said, women that have PMDD are very sensitive and very vulnerable - even more than your average woman. We deal with our minds and our bodies beating us up on a consistent basis and many of us have dealt with the pain of abuse in our past.
It only affects about 3-8% of women!
THAT'S IT!!! There are so few of us and PMS already gets a bad rap from most men and the rest of society...how are we ever going to get the support and help we need?
That's why I'm tired of being silent. I've sat around with PMDD for the past 7 years telling myself that nothing is wrong. I don't have a mental health disorder. It's all in my head. I can control this. But I can't. If I could, I would have by now. I ended up in the hospital over 10 times in 2006 alone. I ended up back in the hospital this year...just two months ago. I could not handle life's stresses. I did not feel a need or want to continue living my life. But I sought help.
I also said no to doctor's that wanted to push medications I had never heard of. I've said it time and time before, we know our bodies better than anyone else. It took me this long to learn to advocate for myself. It took me having to go through hardships, misdiagnosis, incorrect medications, terrible losses, horrible feelings to realize I can be more than this!
I want to help others understand that PMDD is a real and prevalent issue. I am one person and all I have to share is my own experience, but sometimes all it takes is one small pebble to create a ripple effect.
Not everyone that has PMDD may feel the urge to speak out, and that's ok. Not everyone that reads this will get it or even care, and that's ok. We are all at different stages. I have lost so much of my life because of PMDD and I have nothing more to lose. Others have rejected me because of their own fear of the unknown. However, I am not ashamed of who I am because I am wonderfully made in the image of God. God created us all with a purpose, so I am here to break the stigma by exposing my own story of PMDD.
