All I do is ask Why

I had an episode last night. Yes, a full blown panicky PMDD episode. I tried to contain it. I was exhausted and I just wanted to lay my head down to rest - to get some sleep. But it overcomes me. The sadness, the fear. I cover my ears and I just start screaming and crying. I can't breathe. I can't escape. I try to calm myself down in my mind, but its no use when you're in the midst of the storm.

And all I can do is ask why.

Why did I lose so much of my life. Why was I put on medication that was wrong for me. Why am I still going through this. Why am I not strong enough. Why am I a freak. Why am I acting like this. Why am I not any better. Why?

I cannot move ahead because I want an explanation. I've realized its not because I lost my home or because I lost all my friends at my first college. Of course those things have been difficult to deal with, especially the latter. It's because I don't understand it and I can't rationalize it - most especially when I'm in the middle of it. And I want to know why. I want to know what the purpose of this is. I want to know why so I can move forward.

But what happens if I never know why? Will I always be stuck in the "deer in headlights" surprise mode every time this comes upon me? That's how it feels! I switch from being able to handle things and go through life and deal with stresses to being knocked flat on my face by the pain, the agony, the depression, the emotions, and the thoughts.

And I'm tired. Because I WANT to move ahead. I'm not even angry at the moment that when I've reached out for help people turn the other way. I've gotten use to people not understanding. Doctors still don't really understand. It seems so easy to say here take birth control. Or here take an anti-depressant. Those things make it WORSE! Yes WORSE than what I'm dealing with now.

And because I ask why, I am stuck. I want help. I want people to know this is real. This is not pretend or in my head or an outburst for attention. There are other women suffering just as much as I am! But they may be keeping quiet because they don't know why they act this way either. They are scared. I'm scared, too.

PMDD causes shame and confusion. It causes us to withdraw. It causes heartache and ruins relationships. It causes people to turn their back on you because they don't understand. We don't always understand either! We are not crazy. It's a hormonal imbalance that wrecks havoc on our lives. It is miserable. And there is only so much one person can do.

I don't know why. I don't know if I'll ever know why. But I still ask it every single day.