I wish more than anything I could have energy. I wish more than anything I could find the positive in everything. I wish more than anything I could hold normal conversations with people and not think I'm doing something wrong or over analyze what they're thinking about me. I wish I could just be happy.
My problems seem so petty and insignificant compared to others. So, I doubt my issues and I doubt my sadness and I make things worse because I tell myself to be quiet and then I carry it around for several more months or years.
When I feel like this, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. I can't tell if its actually the PMDD or if I'm just a sorry loser. My self-esteem goes to the crapper and I can't handle ANYTHING! I doubt that I'm capable of anything good.
I'm so close to graduation, but I have this incessant fear in the back of my mind telling me that I'm so close, but I'm not going to make it. That's where I'm at right now. I don't feel like I'm going to make it. I keep telling myself to plug along - to keep going - to keep trying - to keep hoping - to keep praying - to keep seeking - to keep trusting - to keep believing.
My bad days aren't like the "typical" bad days. My bad days are trying to encourage myself that my life is worth living. That it feels good to breath. That things are not always what they seem. I'm so scared that this wretched disorder is going to ruin my life - my mind - for good and I won't be able to encourage myself or anyone else ever again.
I'm hurting so much and I don't know what to do to make it stop. I don't know where to go and I don't know how this is going to be OK. I feel so close to everything, but so far away.
----edit-----
This song has been stuck in my head all day and its what's getting me through right now. I hope it speaks to your heart like its doing mine.
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