Everything I thought was real isn't. Many of my religious beliefs have come from different religions and paganistic beliefs. Christmas isn't even on Jesus' birthday.
The way I grew up isn't even remotely a part of my existence now. How the hell am I supposed to cope and deal with that?? The farther away I get from those times in my life, the harder life seems to get. Like I'm trying to make it stand still, but we all know it can't.
So, I turn to what makes me comfortable. Change.
Everything I've done seems like I've done it for the wrong reason.
I jumped on the ball to start getting my masters because I felt like it took too long to get my undergrad. PMDD played a huge role in me having to withdraw early from my first school. So did trying to deal with feeling like I had no roots. I'm not been the same since.
I jumped on the ball to go to a Christian college thinking I had to make up for not being able to graduate from the first Christian college. It's a great school, but I feel like I'm back where I always end up. Withdrawn from people.
I deactivated facebook. Now I'm withdrawn from more people.
When I'm hurting, I withdraw but it never helps. It just solidifies my fears that people aren't around and they don't care to be around. I shouldn't generalize like that because there are a very small handful, less than five, that have called and checked in on me. It should be enough but all those people aren't here. They are not tangible just like everything else in my life seems. It all seems fake or dead.
I have ideas of things to change, but it's dependent upon other situations.
I called my doctor and have another appointment this upcoming Thursday. I just met with him last Monday. I just can't shake this. Everything seems cold and dead to me. Nothing feel right.
In light of what my counselor suggested, I'm writing openly and will always end or "sign-off" with something positive.
I'm super excited about buying the rest of everyone Christmas presents. I've been trying to make a lot of gifts and planning isn't always easy for me, but I've got all the materials needed to get started. I love creating. I love seeing ideas become tangible - it's fun and exciting.
2 comments:
Christmas shopping!! All those signboards saying "SALE" makes me nuts...
I'm not PMDD, but I can relate to a lot of things in this post. Back in high school, I said hi to everyone and didn't have particular problem with anyone, at least on facade - but after the school is over and back in dorm, I didn't really interact with others. Except maybe one person, who is still my best friend.
I didn't have any meetings with counselors, but if I did, I bet I was on the verge of depression, up to 1st year in college. It was incredibly tough to deal with the fact that a lot of people don't care (+ unlike other kids who could easily see their parents, my parents are 13 hours away by flight), of all these people there's no one to share my thoughts and likes, and what is exciting to all others is "been there, done that" to me.
Fortunately, I got better after I declared another major, and that major was small yet close community. I was a part of that community and I felt very "settled."
I guess I somehow accepted the fact that it's a lonely life after all, without my realization (lol). I don't know this helps, but what I do is I just check up for meetup.com or local magazines, browse for any meetings that looks interesting, go there and hang out with new people. Admittedly, most of time it's a blow. But it's a good refershment for lonely life I guess.
And, most importantly, you have people who care and check you. I sometimes do get really really lonely, but I remind myself that I have several people that actually care for me/wouldn't mind me crashing into their place, etc. Trust me, I know a lot of people who looks good, have shining resume and bling-bling titles, but have no friends (or not-so-right ones). At least we have good friends - then the life looks better all of sudden!
You are absolutely right! Thank you so much for sharing :) I'm coming to the realization that what I thought I wanted when I moved back to the states is actually not what I want. I thought I could just jump into a life my husband already had - but I'm finding that we need to make our own friends and our own life!!!
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