Mood: reflective

I went to church today for the first time in close to a year...yeah it's been that long. I know I'm supposed to be there and be getting involved but I have been hurt more times than I can count and this was an area i truly struggled with. I don't understand what happened to me starting almost six years ago now, but whatever it was I don't wish the pain, rejection, heart ache, depression, and sheer loneliness upon anyone...not even my worst enemy.
I went through such a long season of complete solitude and isolation. I lost so many loved ones and friends because they couldn't understand where I had "gone" to. It almost destroyed my marriage on numerous occasions and all I wanted and needed was for people to care and want to help and what did i get? I got rejection. I got misunderstanding. I got absolute nothingness most times. When you are going through something others don't understand, often times it's easier not to get involved at all.
When I was in the midst of my storm at Lee, I was called a faker and a liar. I was told I was acting out for attention. Obviously those comments hurt me more than most because they are the ones that stick out in my mind here six years later. I know I need to forgive and move on, but there is still pain. The sting of rejection still resides. So I'm scared that all church people will treat me like that.
I'm a very out-going person by nature but the pain and immense depression I experienced caused me to be weary. I'm skeptical of most people and feel like I will go through most of my life with people not giving a crap about me or my life. It's so hard to keep a smile on my face at times because all I want is to show others love and that they have a purpose...but I feel like I don't get that in my own life and it's hard to be the strong one all the time.
I guess the one hidden blessing in all of the unexplainable pain - the screaming and crying - the hurt and loneliness - is that I realized nobody will ever be able to give me what I need. Only God will be able to fill that void. I've also learned to try my hardest not to treat others the way i was tossed to the side like a bag of garbage. There were so many times I felt like I couldn't go on. There were so many times I hurt myself in addition to the hurt and pain I was already experiencing...i didn't know how long I could stand it or if it would even matter if I was gone.
Then I realized. It matters to God. I matter to God. Maybe to noone else but He is enough. He is all I need. So now when the monthly pains of my PMDD come upon me and I feel out of control and like I'm worthless and like nobody cares, I know my savior cares. And now I can care at an even deeper level for others.
I do have enough faith for God to heal despite what people at Lee said. I just now have a deeper empathetic stream running through my veins. I desperately want to help others and let them know they are not alone. If I can help others not go through or feel the way I did, I will have succeeded in this life. Our God is gracious and merciful. He never gives us more than we can handle and He gives us what we need in His timing.
Be encouraged and know you are never alone and that you are deeply and wonderfully loved!