Angry Rant

I'm so angry. I'm so mad. And when I feel like this...I feel so....alone. I feel like when I should be taking a step back from everything and calming myself - life pops up with all kinds of CRAP to pull me back under. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water and doing everything possible to live this life out to the best of my ability.

And then more crap is thrown at me. And I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere to dodge it. I can't escape it. So, I sit and wait. And it sucks. Then the thoughts start. And I'm angry and I don't feel worthy. And then I'm angry some more.

This just is not fair. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING is the way that I WANTED IT to be!!! I've poured out for so long to others. I've listened and shared in their happy times and their sad times and completely let me fade. I don't want to fade. And when I'm upset, I have nowhere to go. And here I am alone again. In my anger. In my misery. In this wretched place that I keep trying to escape. But it engulfs me. And I'm drowning. How the hell do I get out? How the hell did I get here to begin with?! Where is God? Where is my life going? What did I do to deserve this? Is this all there is to my pathetic life?

It's so hard to have hope on days like these, but I have to cling to God. That's what I promised. That's what I told myself. When I was in the darkest times of my life, I promised I would never let it get that dark again - but it just seems to come out of nowhere. The invisible attacks. The visible attacks. The attacks from the left - the attacks from the right. I can't escape and I need help.

Jekyll and Hyde - Stupid PMDD

So...the good mood is gone. The PMDD has reared its ugly head. It's taking everything within me not to run out of the room crying. It's taking everything within me to calm myself and reassure myself that everything will be OK. How the heck can I be a counselor to myself when I'm a patient at the same time. Isn't that like Jekyll and Hyde syndrome?

But that's what PMDD does. It comes out of nowhere...well, that's not true. You know its coming but you never know exactly how its going to rear its ugly self. You don't know if its going to be physical pain or all anxiety or a wave of paranoia or sheer, uncontrollable anger or complete and utter despair or self-hating or a mix of everything!

Its just so hard sometimes. It's hard to sit and try to complete your daily functions. Its hard to explain to people why you look so stressed out without breaking down. It's hard to know whats you and what's not. It's hard to just live sometimes.

"Magical" laughter

So, how I could absolutely and completely forget why I love my favorite movie as much as I do is beyond me!!! There are so many things that make me giggle in this movie. So, I will devote this blog to a clip that shows hilarious parts of my favorite #1 movie, the Tenth Kingdom.

When I can't....I hope

I'm agitated and angry today. I care but could care less. I want people around but want to push everyone away. Opposites are the epitome of my life or so it seems in this moment! I want to scream and I want to cry. I'm incredibly insecure, but I still want to conquer the world.

I'm trying so hard to push past this negative cloud that seems to follow me around. I try to fill my life with goodness and positive quotes. I try to bask in what little sunshine there is up here in the great white north. I try and try and try some more. My moods seem to take on the manifestation of the weather outside. When Mother Nature cries, I cry. When she's bright and chipper, I'm right by her side skipping along the way. When she is dark and dreary, I feel the same.

I want to be left alone, but I want a hug. I want to fit in but I want to be an individual. There is this constant balancing act of what to do, what to say. Did I say too much? Did I say too little? Did I say something too stupid? Am I acting stupid? Then comes the self monologue of screaming at myself to shut up!!! Stop whining. Stop complaining! Stop the madness! Yes, its true. I annoy the crap out of myself. It's like there are two people inside of me. One who is this little imp of an insecure baby and one who is a nasty, mean, vicious, snarling creature. They butt heads constantly and I'm left in the middle with this immense feeling of confusion!

In amongst all these crazed feelings, I deal with being a chameleon. Most TCK's are very good at this suit. We observe the situation, take in who it is we are around and mold ourselves carefully into our surroundings so to fit in. You have to when you're surrounded by different cultures and people. I don't necessarily see this as a "bad" thing. However, I feel like I don't know who the heck I am anymore. I know this change or adaptation is on the surface, but where am I down deep inside? And do I even want to know? I don't think I like this person that has been hiding away for so long. So much crap and goop I haven't dealt with. So much anger and hurt that's been sitting, festering, and growing.

I get confused about who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I have very few strong opinions about things and it seems the people I'm surrounded with in the place I'm at now ALL have strong opinions about EVERYTHING and there is something wrong with me if I'm not like them! I can't constantly try to appease everyone, but when I stop blending, it appears people don't want to be around me anymore. Then I'm back to this cycle of well if I'm withdrawing, that means people are going to withdraw from me.

I hate it!!! I hate me sometimes! I hate that I can't just be happy all of the time. I hate that I can't take the kindness and love I so desperately want to shower on others and shower a little on me. It's aggravating and frustrating and I'm angry at myself for not being able to move. I move a little and then get stuck. I wallow and get myself stuck even more. So I sit down because I grow weary.

I cling to the three things I know make up my identity. PMDD, being a TCK, and being a Christian. However, I still feel like I'm not fully accepted with any three of these things. I just so desperately want to be accepted. Not a freak. Not a failure. Just a well-adjusted person trying to get through life and hopefully making a difference.

I can and I can't. I will and I won't. I am and I'm not. I'm here but want to be there. I'm there and want to be somewhere else. Constantly and consistently the same. Wishy-washy. Mulled over by the simplest things. My feet aren't planted in rich soil, but instead this muck and I'm suck and I can't grow or move. I think I'd like to grow, but then I don't want to be rooted because I want to go. But with no roots, I have no real depth. So all this junk is out here on the surface. I'm just aggravated and wanting to throw in the towel.

A lesson in sailing.

I have this really cool app on my iPhone that is an inspirational app. The author/maker of the app uses themes from nature to inspire, guide and educate! It's pretty cool and has definitely helped me with my quest for positivity.

Well, I was looking through several of the emotions this weekend (don't ask me to tell you what they were because I honestly can't remember) but the same theme kept arising. The app was discussing polarity and how everything in nature wants and needs to find balance. I'm reading along and think I'm getting the gist of it all. However, I came across this first quote:


"In the mysterious mirror, life reflects you to yourself"

I'm not gonna lie, I started to get a little uncomfortable...but I kept going. I started to read about how polarity "actually shows the way energy attracts because of the way it is related". And how "attitudes can be polarized by the tendency to search for and interpret evidence to reinforce what you already believe." Here was the real kicker for me. The quote that said:
"Feeling rejected is a safe escape for your own fear of commitment."

Of course I just got ticked at first! I thought, that's so not true. I was let down by people and they deserted me, not the other way around. I didn't choose to have PMDD and I didn't choose go through all the crap I have gone through. I was mad and I didn't want to read anymore. But then I realized something. No I didn't choose what happened to me, but I have chosen every action there after.

The very first quote mentioned how life is like a mirror reflecting yourself back to you. I often times wonder why I was such a happy teenager and why I had so many great friends. If I look at my life as a mirror reflecting myself back to me, then I can assume that I was being a great friend at the time. Over the last several years, I haven't had many friends at all and perhaps that has been a reflection of my inability to let go. My inability to be warm and open because I was so hurt. My inability to trust and have good conversation. My inability to know how to be a good friend. Instead, the hurt that I was caused calloused me and my withdrawn reaction caused people to withdraw from me.

As a young Christian I found it difficult to understand why people had such a hard time forgiving other people. I often questioned why there was so much bitterness and I vowed that I would never be like that! It just wasn't in my nature! I would never be like the Isrealites going round and round their mountains! And then came my struggles with PMDD. Oh. How naive had I been.

For the first time I'm seeing PMDD in a different light. I'm seeing it as an opportunity to fall swifter and deeper into the arms of God when times of trouble come about. I use to see it as a personal attack. I would shake my fist at God and question what I did to deserve this. Why was this my punishment?! But now I see it as an opportunity to develop my attitude and to find out more about myself; it will be an opportunity to realize that I cannot go through this life without clinging to God. And I know I've said it before, but I believe my pains will hopefully help someone else. I also hope that I will learn how to enjoy life on a deeper level since I experience pain and the torrents of hell on earth.

Attitude will be the sail on my ship. With the right sails, we can catch the wind of goodness and steer in the direction we would like to go.

I may not always have the right attitude, especially when I feel I'm not in my right mind, but I feel I'm going in the right direction and that's a start. :)

Things that make me laugh - Part I

Ok, so I've still been having a difficult time thinking up things that make me laugh...and truly make me laugh - from deep within. You know, the joy that starts bubbling slowly and then bursts with goodness when it reaches the top! That's the kind of stuff I'm looking for.

With PMDD, there are so many days that I'm down and out and feel out of sorts. So, I feel its important to hold onto the good times and the things that bring joy into my life, even if they seem small, insignificant, silly, or even a little stupid sometimes. When you deal with a disorder that wrecks havoc on your life every single month and THAT is what you have to look forward to, well I think even the little things can become important things.

So, I'm divvying this up into parts because I can only think of a couple of things off hand right now that make me laugh and I hope it will bring some joy to your day too!!


This is my FAVORITE Mr. Bean skit. We grew up on Mr. Bean and Rowan Atkinson's comedy. I love that it is hilarious yet he doesn't say a word!!! This is the full 9 min episode, so feel free to watch and laugh along :)


This one gets me EVERY TIME!!! I love, love, love the slugs from Flushed Away. The "eeekkk" is what always makes me laugh, but I also love when the slugs sing, too!


And then there is the "lion face". For those of you who are not yoga connoisseurs, this is indeed an actual yoga position. Try making the face....if it doesn't make you laugh, it will make someone else laugh! I guarantee it!!










These guys ALWAYS make me smile, laugh, fill me with good cheer :) Ah, Joey and Chandler and whimsical Phoebe. The love hate relationship between Ross and Rachel and nuerotic Monica....what more could you ask for?!







And then there is the Fox Family. When I'm having a bad day, a down day - when I can't think straight and I don't want to study anymore, I hide away in a comfortable spot and delve into the life of this funny family. They own a peice of my heart and bring me joy and laughter when I don't want to think about anything serious. If you would like to see more of Bill Amend's Foxtrot comics, go here





More to come later...

More doodles and colors :)

3-5-2011

Don't know what I think of this one. Would love your thoughts on it.






3-6-2011

This one reminds me of a drawing by Lisa Frank. :) She used to be my favorite "artist" as a kid! Had all her stuff on folders and pencil boxes!!










This one is my favorite of all my doodles so far. I finished this one a couple of weeks back...end of February. Worked on it pretty much all of Feb. :) Hope you enjoy!!!