Angry Rant

I'm so angry. I'm so mad. And when I feel like this...I feel so....alone. I feel like when I should be taking a step back from everything and calming myself - life pops up with all kinds of CRAP to pull me back under. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water and doing everything possible to live this life out to the best of my ability.

And then more crap is thrown at me. And I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere to dodge it. I can't escape it. So, I sit and wait. And it sucks. Then the thoughts start. And I'm angry and I don't feel worthy. And then I'm angry some more.

This just is not fair. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING is the way that I WANTED IT to be!!! I've poured out for so long to others. I've listened and shared in their happy times and their sad times and completely let me fade. I don't want to fade. And when I'm upset, I have nowhere to go. And here I am alone again. In my anger. In my misery. In this wretched place that I keep trying to escape. But it engulfs me. And I'm drowning. How the hell do I get out? How the hell did I get here to begin with?! Where is God? Where is my life going? What did I do to deserve this? Is this all there is to my pathetic life?

It's so hard to have hope on days like these, but I have to cling to God. That's what I promised. That's what I told myself. When I was in the darkest times of my life, I promised I would never let it get that dark again - but it just seems to come out of nowhere. The invisible attacks. The visible attacks. The attacks from the left - the attacks from the right. I can't escape and I need help.