I'm trying so hard to push past this negative cloud that seems to follow me around. I try to fill my life with goodness and positive quotes. I try to bask in what little sunshine there is up here in the great white north. I try and try and try some more. My moods seem to take on the manifestation of the weather outside. When Mother Nature cries, I cry. When she's bright and chipper, I'm right by her side skipping along the way. When she is dark and dreary, I feel the same.
I want to be left alone, but I want a hug. I want to fit in but I want to be an individual. There is this constant balancing act of what to do, what to say. Did I say too much? Did I say too little? Did I say something too stupid? Am I acting stupid? Then comes the self monologue of screaming at myself to shut up!!! Stop whining. Stop complaining! Stop the madness! Yes, its true. I annoy the crap out of myself. It's like there are two people inside of me. One who is this little imp of an insecure baby and one who is a nasty, mean, vicious, snarling creature. They butt heads constantly and I'm left in the middle with this immense feeling of confusion!
In amongst all these crazed feelings, I deal with being a chameleon. Most TCK's are very good at this suit. We observe the situation, take in who it is we are around and mold ourselves carefully into our surroundings so to fit in. You have to when you're surrounded by different cultures and people. I don't necessarily see this as a "bad" thing. However, I feel like I don't know who the heck I am anymore. I know this change or adaptation is on the surface, but where am I down deep inside? And do I even want to know? I don't think I like this person that has been hiding away for so long. So much crap and goop I haven't dealt with. So much anger and hurt that's been sitting, festering, and growing.
I get confused about who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I have very few strong opinions about things and it seems the people I'm surrounded with in the place I'm at now ALL have strong opinions about EVERYTHING and there is something wrong with me if I'm not like them! I can't constantly try to appease everyone, but when I stop blending, it appears people don't want to be around me anymore. Then I'm back to this cycle of well if I'm withdrawing, that means people are going to withdraw from me.
I hate it!!! I hate me sometimes! I hate that I can't just be happy all of the time. I hate that I can't take the kindness and love I so desperately want to shower on others and shower a little on me. It's aggravating and frustrating and I'm angry at myself for not being able to move. I move a little and then get stuck. I wallow and get myself stuck even more. So I sit down because I grow weary.
I cling to the three things I know make up my identity. PMDD, being a TCK, and being a Christian. However, I still feel like I'm not fully accepted with any three of these things. I just so desperately want to be accepted. Not a freak. Not a failure. Just a well-adjusted person trying to get through life and hopefully making a difference.
I can and I can't. I will and I won't. I am and I'm not. I'm here but want to be there. I'm there and want to be somewhere else. Constantly and consistently the same. Wishy-washy. Mulled over by the simplest things. My feet aren't planted in rich soil, but instead this muck and I'm suck and I can't grow or move. I think I'd like to grow, but then I don't want to be rooted because I want to go. But with no roots, I have no real depth. So all this junk is out here on the surface. I'm just aggravated and wanting to throw in the towel.
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