Well, I was looking through several of the emotions this weekend (don't ask me to tell you what they were because I honestly can't remember) but the same theme kept arising. The app was discussing polarity and how everything in nature wants and needs to find balance. I'm reading along and think I'm getting the gist of it all. However, I came across this first quote:
"In the mysterious mirror, life reflects you to yourself"
I'm not gonna lie, I started to get a little uncomfortable...but I kept going. I started to read about how polarity "actually shows the way energy attracts because of the way it is related". And how "attitudes can be polarized by the tendency to search for and interpret evidence to reinforce what you already believe." Here was the real kicker for me. The quote that said:
"Feeling rejected is a safe escape for your own fear of commitment."
Of course I just got ticked at first! I thought, that's so not true. I was let down by people and they deserted me, not the other way around. I didn't choose to have PMDD and I didn't choose go through all the crap I have gone through. I was mad and I didn't want to read anymore. But then I realized something. No I didn't choose what happened to me, but I have chosen every action there after.
The very first quote mentioned how life is like a mirror reflecting yourself back to you. I often times wonder why I was such a happy teenager and why I had so many great friends. If I look at my life as a mirror reflecting myself back to me, then I can assume that I was being a great friend at the time. Over the last several years, I haven't had many friends at all and perhaps that has been a reflection of my inability to let go. My inability to be warm and open because I was so hurt. My inability to trust and have good conversation. My inability to know how to be a good friend. Instead, the hurt that I was caused calloused me and my withdrawn reaction caused people to withdraw from me.
As a young Christian I found it difficult to understand why people had such a hard time forgiving other people. I often questioned why there was so much bitterness and I vowed that I would never be like that! It just wasn't in my nature! I would never be like the Isrealites going round and round their mountains! And then came my struggles with PMDD. Oh. How naive had I been.
For the first time I'm seeing PMDD in a different light. I'm seeing it as an opportunity to fall swifter and deeper into the arms of God when times of trouble come about. I use to see it as a personal attack. I would shake my fist at God and question what I did to deserve this. Why was this my punishment?! But now I see it as an opportunity to develop my attitude and to find out more about myself; it will be an opportunity to realize that I cannot go through this life without clinging to God. And I know I've said it before, but I believe my pains will hopefully help someone else. I also hope that I will learn how to enjoy life on a deeper level since I experience pain and the torrents of hell on earth.
Attitude will be the sail on my ship. With the right sails, we can catch the wind of goodness and steer in the direction we would like to go.
I may not always have the right attitude, especially when I feel I'm not in my right mind, but I feel I'm going in the right direction and that's a start. :)
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