I've started to use a natural progesterone cream to see if it will alter my moods and relieve some of the craziness I go through the week before my period. I started a little over a week ago. It's so hard to know what my cycle is on. I use to know it by heart, but that was when I was running and active! This past year, my cycle has been all over the place especially a couple of times that I thought I was pregnant. It's crazy because when I'm late, it makes my PMDD episodes longer and much more out of control than normal. My body screams that it hates me and I in turn hate me!
I forgot to put the cream on Sunday because I took a day to rest. I got so down that day - that is where the poem came from. I keep telling Steve that I feel like there is something that happened to me that I can't remember. There are events that I have blocked out, but when I get super down and when my emotions go whack-o, I feel intense like I'm re-living a painful experience but I have no images in my head. I'm super sensitive to stuff that I watch on T.V. I cannot watch horror films. Psychological thrillers throw me into a flurried mess. Anything that has to do with intimidation, rape, abuse, and bullying seriously upsets me.
I started putting only half a pump of the cream on this week and it seems to be helping. A whole pump was making my chest tight and there was even a day where I felt I was having trouble breathing. I think I'm doing better now too because I actually have stuff to do at work...not just sitting here idly twirling my thumbs, letting my mind race and get the better of me.
It's so strange. When I'm feeling down - I want nothing more than to get it out and describe it and talk about it (even if no one is around to listen - that will just fuel me feeling down and out) but when I'm happy, it seems I take it for granted. I'm not even sure if I take it for granted, but its like I know it won't last very long so why even talk about it? Something that is so normal to most people - I have a hard time partaking in. I guess I would much rather listen to other people's stories and journeys than to tell my own. I would much rather the focus be on others than on me (even if I'm dying inside). I think its a fear of rejection and people leaving. I think as long as I can keep the focus on others, they'll be interested in me.
But I don't want to do that anymore. That is what got me into trouble and losing all of my friends in the first place. By focusing on them ALL OF THE TIME! It left no room for me. I was just there to offer praise and attention, not to offer a piece of me. I guess that's why I question who I am all the time. I question why anyone would want to listen to me or would want to actually be my friend. I've had people in my life - countless relationships - who tear me down, who feed on my weaknesses when I don't be and become just who they want me to be.
I still have no clue who I am...somedays I feel I'm getting closer to figuring it out, but not knowing is one of the reasons why I cling to my moods. They are real and prevalent and I can feel them. It's not healthy because I know they change often and by making decisions based off my moods...well...not always the brightest thing to do. But my moods are a big part of who I am. I always labeled myself as wishy-washy. The sign for Pisces are two fish swimming in opposite directions and that is the epitome of my life! Always wanting something else, always wanting to be somewhere else, always wanting to do something other than what I'm presently doing. Never satisfied.
I know I'm supposed to let Jesus be my satisfaction, but I'm not satisfied with the way Christians present themselves. I'm not satisfied with how we are supposed to be there for each other, but yet I was completely abandoned by people whom I called friends. Yes, I know here I go again with the past...but obviously something inside of me hasn't been validated and understood otherwise I wouldn't continually bring it up. I trust in God and I trust in Jesus, I just believe there is more than this. I don't know where it is and I feel like I'm waiting all the time. I just don't want to wait and have things pass me by. I want to enjoy my happy times even if they are few and far between right now. I want to enjoy what life has given me even if its not what I want at all. I'm just not satisfied and I'm not sure how to find that satisfaction...
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