This past week, I have felt a need to do and create like never before. I want to give and to reach out. I've started to draw, but the more I start to draw the more images, vibrant and beautiful, flood my head.
I feel the need to hold the ones I love close at hand and let them know how much they mean to me.
I feel the need to be positive and reassure those that are in a tough spot because I know all too well what that is like.
I'm not sure what I'm feeling. It's a new and different sensation. I feel a stirring going on, but not sure how to describe it.
I am still struggling with going to church. I'm struggling with the same issues as usual. Not yesterday, but last week, I had an incredibly difficult time. Whenever I exercise it has a tendency to set my cycle back and I have to be cautious of this because I need to be aware due to my PMDD. Whenever I am late, my "episodes" have a tendency to rear their ugly heads after instead of before. That is what happened.
I get to church and I felt alone. Even sitting next to people on the praise team, I feel alone. I go sit in the sanctuary. I feel alone. I watch the hustle and bustle of the people fellowshipping around me, but never apart of it. I start crying. I tell myself not to. The more I tell myself not to, the more I start to cry. It's embarrassing because once I start crying - I can't stop! I get up and go to the bathroom, give myself a pep talk in the mirror. It will all be over soon. You're gonna be OK! I muster up the courage to go back out into the sanctuary and immediately start crying again. I go up and start singing praise and worship and try to whole-heartily get lost in God. It works and I stop crying...but once I have to go sit back down, I get immensely sad all over again.
The pastor's sermon was great and I got a lot out of it, but when he gave the alter call I didn't want to go. I decided to tell my inner monologue to shut its whiny mouth and go. Pastor said they were going to pray for people starting at one side and go to the other side. I went up at the last minute, and stood praying and believing God to restore me. Time goes by and finally I open my eyes and somehow I was the only person on that side of the church and everyone else was getting prayed for on the opposite side. I was crushed and quite literally pissed off. I wasn't mad at anyone in particular, just hurt that I feel like yet again...I am alone! Always alone!
I got home and I told Steve that I was tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of surviving my life instead of living it. I don't understand why I'm constantly getting slapped in the face, but yet I feel like I have to be the strong one. I don't understand why I have to keep giving and not receiving. I don't understand why it's the same thing over and over and OVER again! What lesson am I not learning? What am I not getting? If someone could kindly point it out to me because I don't want to stay in this area of my life. I don't want to continue to deal with these things...but yet I am.
So, to cope - I started drawing this last week. There is a lot of emotion within me that wants and needs to get out. Do I think its any good or I'm gonna be the next Picasso, no, but it seems to be helping and it seems to be touching an area of my life that needs to be restored.
I'm looking for meaning. I'm looking for purpose and I don't view the world through the same eyes as you do. None of us do, but being a TCK and being a woman that deals with PMDD, my sights are different. My meaning is my Savior, but I don't agree with traditionalism. I don't agree with doing something because society says its what you're "supposed" to do. Church, right now, is like that for me. I'm not getting much out of it except to feel an incredible amount of anxiety and hurt. Will that change? I hope so. All I can do is work on my attitude and do what I do best...and that is to be me. I want to love people and help hurting people. I feel I do that best outside of the church - right now. I'm a hurting person and I'm not finding my healing in a place that is supposed to be my "Christian family". Am I looking at things the wrong way? Again, I don't know. But when the church doesn't look at issues such as depression, mood disorders, self-injury and try to understand... rather they slap a label of lazy, demon-possessed, or lack of faith on it.
I do not have a lack of faith. If anything, my trials have given me that much more faith because people have hurt me so much. If I didn't have faith in my God - I would have given up a long time ago. That's not to say that we don't all deal with our own thorns. These are issues, circumstances and insecurities I deal with on a daily basis and I don't want or need other people pushing them in further or harder.
All of that to say - I feel something brewing inside - tapping inside. Something is calling to me. I'm not sure what it is...but I'm curious to find out.
"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” ~ Tom Krause
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