Hold on

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ~ Romans 8:38-39



I have a lot on my mind today, so please bear with me as I try to sort out my thoughts and feelings.



This verse comes up time and time again in my life. I feel like any time I take a step towards God I get knocked down over and over again. I know this verse, but I feel like my faith is waivering. I feel like everything I once had hope in is being tested and pulled and broken and changed. Nothing is predictable in my life. I don't have the same home. I don't have the same friends - there are a few, but people change, I change. I don't know what my moods are going to be like from day to day. I feel like I'm standing on a tight rope high in the air with the wind blowing 100 mph. Nothing to hold on to but a little piece of string under my feet.



I feel like the devil is trying to turn me against everything and everyone and make me question everything and everyone and become so confused that I don't know which way is up. I feel like that a lot.



He's trying to turn me off to the one promise that I know I can stand on. That nothing will separate me from the love of Jesus.



I am fearful to go to church becuase I was ridiculed when I first starting dealing with PMDD. I was told I was demon-possessed and that I was looking to people to solve my problems. I was told that I just needed to read my bible and that I didn't have enough faith for God to heal me. I go to church and I feel alone - more alone than I do when I'm actually alone. So, I don't go. I feel ashamed for the things I've done and said. I'm becoming weary in my battle...and I'm fighting it alone because I don't feel like there is help. I don't have much strength to fight it and I know people get tired of hearing that I'm down and out. I know its tiresome to be around "depressed" people.

I was listening to Barlow Girl's "Never Alone" song on the way in to work this morning. That is exactly how I feel. I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side. But I am holding on tight to what I know. The truth that I'm never alone. The truth that God does not forsake His children. The truth that God is love and that He works all things together for good for those who love Him. That I have a purpose. That despite how many times I fall, or how many times people slap me in the face...I will get up - I will stand up. Not by my strength, but by His strength. I will love with the love Jesus put in me. I will care because He cares. I will forgive because He first forgave me. I will keep trying until I can't try anymore, and then I will let God do the rest.

I may be broken right now, but I know this is where He wants me to be. I may not know why, but now He can truly mold me into the vessel for His purpose. They say things get harder before they get better. This hardship has been going on for years. It hurts like the dickens, but I believe there is something on the other side. Even when I'm alone and people have forsaken me, I need to remember that is not a manisfestation of God's love. I can only control my actions and attitude. I realize I wallow around a lot, but its because I'm scared and I don't feel capable of doing this on my own. So, I do look to others to help me and am sorely dissapointed time and time again. This is NOT the way it's supposed to be! I hope that my aches and pains and disappointments and hardships can be used for good rather than to continually be a strong-hold in my life; rather than to continually be a reminder of what a failure I am.

I hope that someone else can see and relate to these hardships and know that they are not alone in their struggles even if they feel like it. I recognize that this is not going to be easy...probably for the first time in my Christian experience. I thought somehow it was all blessings and goodness. Then I became fearful and thought anytime I opened my bible or went to church I would get bombarded with blasts from the devil. For whatever reason, these are my struggles. We all have our own - mine might be different from yours - but that doesn't mean its not any less real and any less difficult.

My encouragment is even when things are so unpredictable, when grief is unbearable, when the hurt is detremental, when the shame is engulfing, when the pain won't go away....and you can't feel God anywhere...hold onto the promises. Look to those seeds that were planted maybe when you were a child. What's your favorite bible story? What's your favorite verse? That's God talking to you. He never leaves you. He never forsakes you. He is true to His promises and won't let you down when everything else does. Hold on. Hold on.