I was talking to Steve last night on our date night and I told him I wanted to make a list of things that make me laugh - things that make me happy. I asked him what are some things that make him laugh. His response was: old people. And not just any type of old people, but those old people that are mumbling curse words under their breath and are just plain crotchety and rough around the edges. Steve loves it! To each his own....I don't know how to handle people like that. In fact, those types of people scare me! Well, not all because my grandpa was a classic version of what makes Steve laugh and I have to admit, Grandpa was hilarious!
He was laughing just telling me about it, which in turn made me laugh. The thing is. I was having a hard time thinking up items that made me laugh. Now, don't get me wrong - laughter is not the only element that comprises happiness, but its a big one in my book.
So, here I am trying to think of happy things and I'm getting upset because I can't really think of anything. I then realized this is an area I want to focus on. I truly want to learn what makes me happy...not what makes other people happy, but what is it deep down inside that satisfies me and makes me laugh out loud.
The turmoils of my PMDD and the swift changes of my moods have made depression, sadness, angst, anger, irritability and all the other things that come with this disorder, the norms in my life. I don't want these things to be the norms. I don't want the painful memories of my past to bog me down. I don't want to be frightened each month that I might go off the deep end and never return. This has been my life and my focus for way too long. I am beginning to understand the intricacies of my disorder and I'm beginning to understand what I need to do to take control of my life. Everyone has to learn what works for them and what does not. This whole depression suit has not worked for me, but it's there. If I can't necessarily take elements away - I can certainly introduce new ones and that's where this list of happiness comes into play.
Happiness is made of what we put into it. It is different for each individual. For me happiness is comprised of laughter and inspiration - of creativity and newness - of light and colors - of beautiful things and beautiful people. And all of these things are simply everywhere if you look for them through the right lenses. Right now, what is making me happy is being able to create and express myself through artistic means.
I've been drawing a lot and I have to make sure my inner monologue is quieted quickly otherwise it will start spouting off "oh that looks like a little kid drew it" or "you know you're not an artist, why are you even attempting to do this?!" I have to tell myself to SHUT UP!!! and then I get lost in drawing. I can go for hours at a time simply consumed with the movement and the colors. It's refreshing and I bet you I'm smiling while doing it. If you go here, you'll see one of my newest drawings. :)
The other thing that I'm having a blast with is Zumba. It's a form of dancing exercise. I love the beat of the music and how I can make my body flow with the rhythm...all while "exercising". I get tingles of happiness whilst I'm doing it! It's fantastic.
I also love to sit down at my piano and just play. I play whatever I feel. I feel whatever I play. I'll close my eyes and let my finger do the bidding; I let my fingers form the music. Does it always come out right or do the chord structures always sound good...heck no...but just having a means to get all of what is inside to come out is probably the best feeling ever.
All of those items are inner, still, quiet elements that make me happy...but still not things that make me laugh. No worries. I'll be putting a list together here in the near future as I seek out the funny in my everyday life. Laugh a little today :)
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