Moving forward from my daily struggle

I was really "moved" by the sermon I heard in church yesterday. It just seems like all the puzzle pieces fell into the right place at the right time. Here I have been desperately trying to hold onto my past - onto a better time and place - for the past six years....since I was diagnosed with PMDD and went through a really difficult time and lost everyone that I held near and dear.

But I soon realized that focusing on the past is no help at all, but its hard to see that when you're in the middle of the storm. I have heard so many times not to focus on the past and have heard so many different analogies like the one my husband told me that goes like this:

The past is like a rear view mirror. The present is like a windshield. There are some times and some things that we need to look back on, but we should never get so caught up on looking back that we forget where we are driving, otherwise we might crash. That's why that mirror is much smaller than the windshield.

So, I hear all these good analogies and stories about why not to focus on the past...but why am I stuck here six years later dealing with the same issue? Why do I long for the times that I was happiest? Because I lost something...I lost a lot of somethings and I haven't allowed myself to grieve over those losses. I lost myself. I haven't allowed myself to feel down and genuinely get it out of my system because I fear people will abandon me all over again if I were to act like that. I fear that people will say I don't have enough faith in God like they did before. Therefore its been building up inside of me, but seeping out my every pore. My fear of people leaving hasn't been warded off because this icky stuff is still spilling out onto people even though I'm trying to contain it inside.

It's OK to grieve your losses. This concept is super foreign to me and I can see it manifested by the way I react to the death of loved ones. When my grandpa died two years ago, I hardly shed a tear...not because I wasn't sad. I was immensly sad for my loss and the loss to our family, but I didn't know how to handle loss. Same thing happened when my Uncle passed away and then last year when one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly from Lupis. I miss her more than anything - and I think its because she was so young and her life just starting. But I didn't allow myself to cry. I wanted to several times...but I didn't. It's odd being such an emotional person, yet I won't allow myself to convey emotions in natural settings. So, the emotions sit and build and explode during my PMDD episodes. No wonder they're so extreme and intense. I haven't emptied my cup full of hurt and loss. That hurt and loss is constantly on the brink and nothing good - no life, no love can get inside. So, no matter how much people may try to help or pour into me, it just spills out since my cup is full of everything else.

I told Steve the other day that I don't think I'm a good friend sometimes because I feel that people are just going to leave anyway...so why even try? I wasn't always like this. In fact, growing up the way that I have with people coming in and out of my life every year to two years enabled me to be very open and accepting of new people. However, my experience at college after being diagnosed with a mood disorder and the crazy things that happened while I was on medication probably made people feel very weird around me. I don't blame them, but it still hurts that I don't have that solid connection with friends from that time of my life. Almost five years spent building relationships with people after having to leave my home and moving into being an adult and I am only good friends with one of the many hundreds of people I had developed a relationship with. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish as to want more than that. I don't always mean to be insecure about relationships. I don't always mean to not answer calls. I don't always mean to cancel previous plans. I just haven't emptied my cup...

I have to empty my cup. I have to grieve my losses. I have to learn to cry when I'm not hormonal. I have to learn healthy emotions and that it is OK to feel like this when I'm not going through my monthly storm. I guess since I go through the storm on a regular basis, I don't want to deal with anything else any other time. But I have to go through this process otherwise I will continue down a very long, dark road....and I will go around and around in circles instead of moving straight ahead. I have to learn to take my hand out of the past and only bring with me the memories that are good and valuable to my well-being. I have to turn towards the future now and enjoy the present. I must learn to bloom where I have been planted and realize that even if I'm uprooted again, once I'm re-planted I can learn to connect with others and build strong roots again and again.